Violent communication is coercive, manipulative  and hurts.It includes making generalizations  

and a use of language that induces fear,shame or  guilt.It is often ineffective since it diverts our  

attention away from clarifying our actual needs  and distracts us from solving the actual conflict.

Nonviolent Communication is based on the idea that  we all share universal human desires such as the  

need for trust, safety,and appreciation.It  allows us to empathize and think clearly.  

And as a result, reach a better and  more honest understanding of each other.

Nonviolent Communication follows 4 steps:  observation,feeling,needs and requests.

To understand how it works, let's imagine  a college student being late for class.Old  

Jay, her former teacher,would usually  have just said “and here she comes again,  

late Ann.”In class he then would give her a hard  time and after - as his form of punishment - a  

bunch of senseless assignments.Then, both  would often feel bad for the rest of the day.

New Jay, who's her current teacher,  learned about Nonviolent Communication  

and knows that it begins with a clear observation.

During observation he tries noticing  concrete facts - things that happen at  

that very moment.New Jay jots down that Ann  arrived 20 minutes late and that his pulse  

is up- possibly a sign of stress.Note that  sharing observations should not be combined  

with evaluating them, because then others  can hear criticism and naturally resist.

When focusing on his feelings, New Jay connects  with his heart and can learn to understand various  

underlying emotions.This is important because what  seems to be anger,might in fact be sadness.During  

this step it is essential to distinguish feelings  from thoughts.After class, New Jay shares his  

observation and explains to Ann that he feels  disrespected when someone is late for his class.

Knowing his needs is important  because it allows him to enrich  

his life , and feel at peace. If we  disregard our needs or don't live  

up to our values,we experience stress  and frustration.Understanding that we  

all have universal human needs is perhaps  the most important step in the process.New  

Jay tells Ann that they should find a way  to respect each other's values and desires.

Lastly there is the Request which clarifies  what future New Jay wants for himself  

and this relationship.Clear requests are hence  crucial to a transformative communication.When  

we ask for concrete actions, we often find  creative ways to ensure that everyone's needs  

are met. New Jay asks Ann not to come to class at  all, if she happens to run later than 1 minute.

Marshall Rosenberg, who developed the  model, liked to show the differences  

between the communication styles with two  animals.The Jackal was a symbol of aggression,  

dominance and violent communication.The  Giraffe with his long neck and big heart  

represents a clear-sighted and compassionate  speaker and nonviolent communication style.

"All violence”, Rosenberg wrote, “is the result  of people tricking themselves into believing  

that their pain derives from other people and that  consequently those people deserve to be punished.”

What are your thoughts on this model?  Share your thoughts in the comments below  

and check the description for more details,  and interesting links about the topic.

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