I am your host, Garyx Wormuloid.

This week's artifact is Aladdin, a classic Disney hit responsible for the barefoot / shirtless

vest / tiny hat craze that became the defining look for a generation.

The film takes place in the land of Agrabah, home to Earth's booming population of primarily

English-speaking Muslims, and ruled with a cuddly fist by Sultan, the sultan.

Jafar, the vice sultan, is a power-hungry sociopath who only cares about magic lamps

inside very exclusive caves.

Using science, he determines that a homeless peasant named Aladdin is the man for him.

To get the lamp, not to date.

Although he does have a pretty nice bod...

No!

It would never work.

Meanwhile, Aladdin meets and instantaneously falls in love with Princess Jasmine, who is

doing an undercover boss thing to root out unfair labor practices in the market square.

Jafar has Aladdin arrested for owning and operating a monkey without a permit, and then,

pretending to be a fellow prisoner, frees Aladdin so they can finally go on that date.

Once inside the Cave of Oneders, Aladdin's monkey Abu touches a monkey egg, causing the

cave to trap them like a monkey inside an egg.

Aladdin rubs the lamp and a Genie pops out and does some cocaine-fueled stand-up before

granting him three wishes.

So he wishes to be a prince, which I guess means the Genie creates an entire kingdom

for him somewhere else?

But not one for him to rule, since he's only a prince, so does the Genie make him a fake

mom and dad to be king and queen?

Unconcerned with the semantics, Aladdin parades into town as Prince Ali A-barbara to force

Jasmine on a magic carpet ride for what must be weeks based on the amount of ground they cover.

And just like that, they're back in love city, population them.

Unfortunately, Jafar, who is clearly just making it up as he goes along, has now decided

he wants to become sultan by marrying Jasmine.

So he sends Prince Ali to sleep with the fishes, with the hope that Jasmine will break up with

him when she finds out he f*cked a bunch of fish.

but the Genie uses wish #2 to keep his buddy's

dick safely in his parachute pants.

To keep things moving, Jafar steals the lamp from Aladdin and starts wishing up a storm.

He turns into a giant snake, and using rudimentary shape association, Aladdin figures it's time

to use the old noodle.

He tricks Jafar into wishing to become a genie, which seems like it should be against the

rules, but whatever, it traps him.

Aladdin uses his final wish to free the original Genie, whose name is Kevin, and tells Jasmine

the truth about his homelessness.

She gives him some spare change and sends him on his way.

Aladdin explores the concept of freedom, which Earthlings were obsessed with because they

were trapped in only three dimensions.

Many characters in the film feel inhibited in some way.

Jafar hates serving the Sultan, Aladdin is frustrated that everyone he knows is a monkey,

the Genie wants to be able to wear Hawaiian shirts, and Jasmine's got her whole deal.

The film illustrates Jasmine's plight using the metaphor of a caged bird . This recurring

trope appears in literature and film to symbolize literal or metaphorical imprisonment, usually

of a young woman.

Or a bird.

The characters believe they are limited by who they are; thus, they constantly change

their identities.

Aladdin disguises himself as a prince in order to win Jasmine some free concert tickets.

Conversely, Jasmine dresses as a commoner to get away from all the concerts they're

always having at the palace.

But it is Jafar who has truly mastered the art of obfuscation.

By naming his parrot Iago, the film equates him to one of the great manipulators in literary

history: Shakespeare's Iago, the sneaky lieutenant who deceives Shakespeare's Othello into murdering

his own wife, Shakespeare's Othello's wife.

However, any success gained through subterfuge is just a temporary tattoo on the soul.

Jafar can't hang onto the lamp he acquired under false pretences, and Jasmine sees through

Aladdin's inability to alter his face or voice in any way.

The film suggests that masquerade will produce unsatisfactory results because it's what's

on the inside of the human body that counts.

The Cave of Oneders demonstrates this early in the film, when it rejects the murderous

thief with liver failure but accepts Aladdin, whose organs are perfectly functional.

Even as the film attempts to show that money can't buy me love, it ultimately reinforces

the distinction between the haves and the haven't-anys.

The film seems to suggest money is a trap, either literally, as it is in the Cave of

Oneders, or figuratively, as demonstrated by Aladdin's failure to impress Jasmine with

his expensive hat feather.

Therefore we aren't really on board with Jafar's capitalist philosophy.

But, in a sense, he's right.

While Aladdin's street rat cunning enables him to defeat Jafar, he and the princess wind

up in the same predicament as before: separated by status.

Aladdin may be a "diamond in the rough," but that basically just makes him a lump of coal.

It's only when the sultan changes the law that he and Jasmine are truly equalized,

so as long as we can count on our leaders to admit when they're wrong, everything will

be A-ok.

For Earthling Cinema, I'm Garyx Wormuloid.

As-Salaam-Alaikum