Despite their best intentions and efforts, they seem to move from one unsatisfying candidate

儘管他們有最好的意圖和努力，但他們似乎從一個不令人滿意的候選人中走出來

to another without ever being able to settle.

到另一個人，卻永遠無法解決。

One lover turned out to be secretly married to someone else, another - after an initial

一個情人變成了與別人祕密結婚，另一個--在最初的

period of enthusiasm - never called back, a third turned out to be alcoholic and violent…

熱情的時期--從未回過電話，第三個人變成了酗酒和暴力的人......

We can only express sympathy for what seems like so much bad luck.

我們只能對看似如此倒黴的事情表示同情。

And yet, if one examines the problem at closer range, we're liable to find that bad luck

然而，如果在更近的範圍內審查這個問題，我們很可能會發現，壞運氣

can only explain so much - and that there has, in addition, been a process of careful

只能解釋這麼多--此外，還有一個仔細的過程。

curation at work. The unfortunate lover has not simply stumbled upon a succession of frustrating

工作中的策展。不幸的戀人並不是簡單地偶然發現了一連串令人沮喪的作品。

or mean-minded partners, they have actively sought these out and invited them in, while

或心胸狹隘的夥伴，他們積極尋找這些夥伴並邀請他們加入，而

simultaneously ensuring that no kinder candidate could ever gain a foothold. They still deserve

同時確保沒有一個更善良的候選人能夠站穩腳跟。他們仍然值得

a lot of sympathy, but not for the problem they have ostensibly complained about.

很多人對他們表示同情，但對他們表面上抱怨的問題卻沒有同情。

It is logical to imagine that what we naturally want in love is someone who will treat us

符合邏輯的想象是，我們在愛情中自然想要的是一個會對待我們的人。

with respect and tenderness, with loyalty and thoughtfulness. But however much these

以尊重和溫柔，以忠誠和體貼。但無論這些

may sound desirable in theory, in reality, such qualities are, in some, liable to provoke

理論上可能聽起來很好，但實際上，這種品質在某些人身上容易引起人們的不滿。

huge anxieties and - on occasion - feelings of revulsion.

巨大的焦慮和--有時--反感的感覺。

It might seem uncomplicatedly beautiful if someone makes us breakfast in bed, gives us

如果有人在床上給我們做早餐，給我們

endearing nicknames, tells us how much they miss us, cries a little when we go away on

他們給我們起可愛的綽號，告訴我們他們有多想我們，當我們離開時他們會哭幾聲。

a long trip and offers us a thoughtful-looking teddy bear to pack in our case. There could

在一次長途旅行中，他為我們提供了一個看起來很貼心的泰迪熊，讓我們裝在箱子裡。有可能

surely be nothing nicer, except that is, if we are in any way in doubt as to our own value.

肯定沒有比這更美好的了，除非我們對自己的價值有任何懷疑。

For the self-hating ones among us, such attentions are likely to trigger acute discomfort and

對於我們中的自我憎恨者來說，這種關注很可能會引發嚴重的不適和

anxiety: why does our lover seem to think so much better of us than we think of ourselves?

焦慮：為什麼我們的夫妻對我們的看法似乎比我們對自己的看法好得多？

Why do they hold us in such high esteem when we, for our part, cannot bear our reflection?

為什麼他們對我們如此推崇，而我們卻不能忍受自己的反思？

How have we come to be so heroic in their eyes when we are so despicable in our own?

我們在他們眼中是如此的英雄，而在我們自己眼中卻是如此的卑鄙，我們是如何做到的？

Why do they call us beautiful and kind, intelligent and thoughtful when we feel as if we are none

為什麼他們說我們美麗、善良、聰明、體貼，而我們卻覺得自己一無是處？

of these things? Their attentions end up having to be met with all the disdain we accord to

這些東西的？他們的關注最終不得不以我們給予他們的所有不屑一顧的態度來對待。

false flatterers. We are sickened to receive gifts that we are, deep down, sure we do not

虛假的奉承者。我們對收到的禮物感到噁心，因為在內心深處，我們確信我們沒有

deserve.

值得。

It's as an escape from this form of nausea that we may run into the arms of people who

正是為了逃避這種形式的噁心，我們可能會跑進那些人的懷抱，而這些人是

can be relied upon to be satisfactorily cruel to us. They aren't delighted when we walk

可以信賴的是，他們對我們的殘忍是令人滿意的。當我們走路時，他們並不感到高興

into a room, they have no interest in our childhoods or what happened to us today, they

他們對我們的童年或今天發生在我們身上的事情不感興趣，他們

show no particular enthusiasm for sleeping with us, they flirt with others and give us

他們對與我們睡覺沒有表現出特別的熱情，他們與其他人調情，給我們

no guarantee that the relationship will survive until tomorrow. It sounds appalling and in

不能保證這段關係能持續到明天。這聽起來令人震驚，而且在

a sense it is, but it may feel a lot less appalling than to be showered by a kindness

從某種意義上說是這樣的，但比起被善意澆灌，它可能感覺不那麼駭人。

we are certain in our bones that we have never earnt. At least the meanness on display accords

我們從骨子裡確信，我們從未賺過錢。至少所展示的卑鄙是符合的

perfectly with our assessment of ourselves.

與我們對自己的評估完全一致。

Whatever we may claim, there are almost always a host of potential romantic partners ready

不管我們怎麼說，幾乎總是有許多潛在的浪漫夥伴準備好了。

to treat us very nicely; it is just that - without any awareness of the process - we have probably

對我們非常好；只是，在沒有意識到這個過程的情況下，我們可能已經

become experts at dismissing them at the first opportunity, tossing them aside with terms

成為一有機會就否定他們的專家，把他們扔到一邊，並說

like 'boring' or 'uninspiring' - by which we really mean: uninclined to think

像 "無聊 "或 "沒有靈感"--我們真正的意思是：不願意思考

as badly of us as we think of ourselves or unlikely to make us suffer in the way we need

像我們對自己的看法一樣糟糕，或者不可能讓我們以我們需要的方式受苦。

to suffer in order to feel we are receiving the sort of attention that befits us.

為了感受到我們得到了適合我們的關注，我們必須承受痛苦。

In truth, these kind people are generally very far from dull or stupid. They have cleverly

事實上，這些善良的人一般都很不呆板或愚蠢。他們有聰明的

spotted something about us that we have not yet taken on board: that we are not appalling

我們發現了一些我們還沒有意識到的問題：我們並不令人震驚。

and that beneath our defences, we remain kind, sweet and worthy. These observers just frighten

而在我們的防衛之下，我們仍然是善良、可愛和有價值的。這些觀察者只是嚇唬人

us because, with their kindness, they challenge a fundamental pillar of our psychology, the

因為他們的善意，他們挑戰了我們心理學的一個基本支柱------。

idea that we are owed punishment.

認為我們應該受到懲罰。

We will learn to see many such kind lovers waiting for us in the wings, and will be far

我們將學會看到許多這樣善良的戀人在等著我們，並將遠遠地

readier to let them into our affections, the moment we can accept that, for all our many

在我們能夠接受的時候，我們更願意讓他們進入我們的感情，因為我們有很多的

(yet utterly normal) flaws, we don't deserve to be treated badly for the rest of our lives.

(然而完全正常）的缺陷，我們不應該在我們的餘生中受到惡劣的對待。