I was kinda hoping you wouldn't show up.

The fact that you agreed to go out with me really makes me wonder what's wrong with you.

Before I called you to set up this date, I wrote down what I would say and rehearsed it for an hour.

Would you like some wine?

I think I'm gonna get some because it helps me not feel embarrassed about every word that comes out of my mouth.

I hope you're ready for me to paint a very distorted picture of how social I am, because you're the only person I've talked to in three weeks.

To get ready for tonight, I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos about how to be charming and flirty on a date.

Clearly those YouTubers are full of (beep).

Tell me more about you because I've been talking so much, I now feel extremely self-conscious and am sweating profusely.

Mostly in the butt area.

Yeah, you know, I just realized, I've said, "Oh, nice," to the last five things you've said in a row, and now all I can think about is how I cannot say "Oh, nice" again!

I gotta tell you, I'm usually in my pajamas by this time.

I am so drained right now, but I'm gonna keep talking to you because I've invested so much time and energy into this interaction that I really don't think I have it in me to start over with someone else.

There's an internal struggle between the part of me that wants to find true love and the part of me that wants to go home right now and watch a TV show I've already watched six times.

Ok, and there's our second pause longer than three seconds with me chuckling nervously as I try to think of something else to say, so let's just end this date right now before you get an accurate picture of how awkward I truly am.

Thank you for offering to split the check with me, but I've got it.

I've saved a lot of money over the years by never going out or having fun.

I had a great time with you tonight.

Now I just gotta figure out if I like you enough to leave the house for a second date.

All right, time for an awkward goodbye where I try to stay vague and noncommittal about whether you'll ever hear from me again.

If you don't initiate a kiss, there won't be one.

And there won't be one.