Here are true facts about the arma-dildo.

以下是有關 arma-dildo 的真實情況。

Hm, I said it again, 2 times.

嗯，我又說了一遍，兩遍。

Armadillos are the last surviving members of the order 'cingulata,'

犰狳是 "鞘翅目 "中最後倖存的成員。

the armored New World mammals.

新大陸的哺乳動物。

Back when animals were more badass they were more 'cingulata,'

當動物們更壞的時候，它們更像 "cingulata"。

like the two-tongue gliptodonte and the smaller pampatheriidae,

比如雙舌鱈和較小的鯪鯉科、

which could fart fire and teleport 2 inches in any direction.

它可以向任何方向放屁和傳送 2 英寸。

Who did this research?

這項研究是誰做的？

Jerry? Uh, geez.

傑瑞？天啊

All that is left of this proud lineage is the armadillo's ability to eat fire ants,

這一引以為傲的血統只剩下犰狳吃火蟻的能力、

which is kind of badass.

這是一種壞蛋。

The Aztecs called the armadillo, turtle rabbit.

阿茲臺克人把犰狳叫做龜兔。

In Spanish, its name translates to "little armored one,"

在西班牙語中，它的名字翻譯為 "小裝甲"。

and in Texas they are sometimes referred to as an opossum on the half shell.

在得克薩斯州，它們有時被稱為半殼負鼠。

This is because the armadillo has plates of dermal bone on its back

這是因為犰狳背部有真皮骨板

covered with horn and leathery skin.

身上覆蓋著角和皮革。

Imagine having a bunch of horny bones on your back constantly rubbing together—

想象一下，在你的背上有一大堆 "角質骨頭 "在不停地摩擦--這就是 "角質"。

I can't read this. I understand it's technically right, but⁠—ugh, okay.

我看不懂這個。我知道這在技術上是對的，但是--呃，好吧。

Hence, the armadillo is like a tiny gladiator with only one weak spot: its entire belly.

是以，犰狳就像一個小小的角鬥士，只有一個弱點：它的整個腹部。

Yes, it can take a downward blow, but it is vulnerable to the leg sweep

是的，它可以承受向下的打擊，但很容易被掃腿擊中

or stepping on a tiny land mine or falling into a pit of boners.

或踩到一個小地雷，或掉進一個勃起的深坑。

All right, that doesn't exist. No, I do understand.

好吧，這不存在不，我明白

I mean, yes, it's technically vulnerable to that.

我的意思是，是的，從技術上講，它很容易受到影響。

But I'm saying there is no such thing as a pit of boners in nature.

但我要說的是，自然界中並不存在 "勃起之坑"。

It's not a threat. All right, I'll keep going, but Jerry's an idiot.

這不是威脅好吧，我繼續 但傑瑞是個白痴

For the armadillo, when water is concerned

對於犰狳來說，當涉及到水時

everything is the deep end, therefore it has the ability to hold its breath for up to

一切都在深水區，是以它能屏住呼吸長達

6 minutes at a time.

每次 6 分鐘。

There are many species of armadillo

犰狳有許多種

like the giant armadillo named so because it is a 5-foot-long giant.

如巨型犰狳，因其身長 5 英尺而得名。

The screaming armadillo named so because:

尖叫犰狳之所以叫這個名字，是因為：

as well as the miniature 6-inch long pink fairy armadillo.

以及 6 英寸長的迷你粉色仙女犰狳。

That's not a fairy; fairies have wings and tiny underpants.

那不是仙女，仙女有翅膀和小內褲。

I've seen them.

我見過他們。

Other species are named by the number of bands they have in the middle of their backs.

其他物種則根據背部中間有多少條帶來命名。

The 3-banded ar—that's a cat. The 3-banded armadillo

三帶犰狳--那是一隻貓。三帶犰狳

is the only species of armadillo that rolls up into a ball when threatened.

是唯一一種在受到威脅時會滾成一團的犰狳。

Just imagine, if when you got scared your first instinct was to put your face as close to your a**

試想一下，如果你害怕的時候，第一反應就是把臉貼近你的****

as possible, right up in there.

就在那裡。

That is how the 3-banded armadillo do.

三帶犰狳就是這樣做的。

In contrast, the 9-banded armadillo can't roll up into anything,

相比之下，九帶犰狳不能捲成任何東西、

so it jumps straight up in the air, 3 feet, when threatened.

是以，當它受到威脅時，會直接跳到 3 英尺高的空中。

This is a remarkable defense against, pretty much nothing,

這是一種非凡的防禦手段，幾乎無所不能、

and it is the opposite of what you should do in the face of a charging Honda, for example.

而這恰恰與你面對一輛正在充電的本田汽車時應該做的相反。

Because of all of its armor it can be a geometric challenge for the armadillo to mate.

由於犰狳全身都是鎧甲，是以交配是一項幾何挑戰。

Because of this, the armadillo males have a very tiny penis.

是以，雄性犰狳的陰莖非常小。

No, that's not true, it's giant. It's like a third the size of its body.

不，不是這樣的，它是個龐然大物。它只有身體的三分之一大。

I'm just tired of all these animals having giant penises.

我只是厭倦了這些擁有巨大陰莖的動物。

I'm not jealous, I mean it's not like you can do much with them,

我不是嫉妒，我的意思是，你又不能用它們做什麼、

maybe prop up your iPad when you're reading or hold the door, I don't know.

也許你在看書的時候可以把 iPad 托起來，或者扶著門，我也不知道。

Science has learned much from the armadillo, and not just about the penis.

科學從犰狳身上學到了很多，不僅僅是關於陰莖。

For example, some armadillos are polyembryonic,

例如，有些犰狳是多胎的、

creating 4 identical babies from a single embryo.

用一個胚胎製造出 4 個相同的嬰兒。

Also because if its unusually low body temperature, the armadillo is susceptible to leprosy.

此外，由於犰狳的體溫異常低，是以很容易感染麻風病。

Each year 50 to 80 people contract leprosy from handling armadillos.

每年有 50 到 80 人因與犰狳打交道而感染麻風病。

Just remember, if you spend all of your life hiding behind your armor,

請記住，如果你一輩子都躲在盔甲後面、

you'll most likely spend a lot of time sniffing your

你很可能會花很多時間聞聞你的