misdirected mind becomes a prison.

誤入歧途的心靈成為監獄。

And I've lived most of my life shackled up by my own mind—a prisoner, a slave, engaged

我一生中的大部分時間都被自己的思想束縛著--一個囚犯，一個奴隸，從事著自己的工作。

in a constant battle.

在不斷的戰鬥中。

This became most obvious to me a couple years ago, when I thought I had a heart attack.

這一點在幾年前對我來說最為明顯，當時我以為自己有心臟病發作。

It all started when I took an energy drink before working out.

這一切都始於我在鍛鍊前喝了一種能量飲料。

After my first set, I struggled to take full breaths, my heart pounded, and it felt like

在我的第一組比賽結束後，我掙扎著做完整的呼吸，我的心怦怦直跳，感覺就像

oxygen wasn't entering my lungs.

氧氣沒有進入我的肺部。

I sat down, struggling to breathe properly, and after half an hour, I finally felt normal

我坐下來，掙扎著想正常呼吸，半小時後，我終於感覺到了正常。

again.

再次。

That event instilled a new fear within me: a fear of death.

這一事件在我內心灌輸了一種新的恐懼：對死亡的恐懼。

I never thought about Death much before that day.

在那一天之前，我從未過多地考慮過死亡。

It sat way in the back of my mind as an abstraction, as a concept, as something I knew would happen

它作為一個抽象的概念，作為一個概念，作為一個我知道會發生的事情，在我的腦海中一直存在。

one day, not as something I felt in my day-to-day life.

有一天，而不是我在日常生活中感受到的東西。

But now, in the calendar of my mind, Death no longer sat far off in the future.

但現在，在我心中的日曆上，死亡不再是坐在遙遠的未來。

I felt like our meeting was soon approaching, and my mind wanted to find Death's number

我感覺我們的會面很快就會來臨，我的頭腦想找到死神的號碼

to tell him that now was not a good time.

來告訴他現在不是一個好時機。

But everyone know's that the reaper doesn't compromise.

但大家都知道，收割者不會妥協。

His meetings are final.

他的會議是最終的。

Over the next few weeks, the same symptoms occurred intermittently—shortness of breath,

在接下來的幾周裡，同樣的症狀斷斷續續地出現--呼吸急促。

rapid heart rate, and the addition of some chest pain.

心率加快，並增加了一些胸痛。

I became acutely aware of my own heartbeat, noticing when it was fast or slow, uncomfortably

我開始敏銳地意識到自己的心跳，注意到它的快慢，不舒服的時候。

feeling it beat against my chest when I slept.

當我睡覺時，感覺它在我的胸口跳動。

And one day, my symptoms reached a peak, and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack.

有一天，我的症狀達到了一個頂峰，我感覺自己要心臟病發作了。

I rushed to the emergency department, and after several tests, the doctor decided it

我趕到急診科，經過幾次檢查，醫生認為是

was likely a panic attack.

很可能是恐慌症發作。

But he also discovered a murmur in my heart and sent me off for further testing.

但他也發現了我的心臟有雜音，並讓我去做進一步檢查。

I felt a sense of impending doom.

我感到一種即將到來的厄運。

I became obsessed with avoiding my perceived doom.

我開始著迷於避免我所認為的厄運。

I shrank from the world and struggled to leave my home, worried that might trigger another

我對這個世界感到恐懼，並努力離開我的家，擔心這可能會引發另一場災難。

attack.

攻擊。

My thoughts became paranoid.

我的想法變得很偏執。

Did the doctors miss something?

醫生們是否錯過了什麼？

Will my follow-up tests show that something's actually wrong?

我的後續測試是否會顯示確實有問題？

After a few weeks, the results came in and nothing was wrong.

幾周後，結果出來了，沒有什麼問題。

I was in great health.

我當時身體很好。

But the panic attacks continued.

但是驚恐發作仍在繼續。

Life became smaller, less colourful, less exciting.

生活變得越來越小，越來越沒有色彩，越來越沒有激情。

My comfort zone shrank down to the size of a point, and even within that point, the fear

我的舒適區縮小到一個點的大小，甚至在這個點內，恐懼

of death still loomed.

死亡的陰影仍然籠罩著。

I felt like a prisoner in my own body.

我覺得自己是自己身體裡的一個囚犯。

I needed wisdom to free myself, and I found it in the writings of Epictetus, an ancient

我需要智慧來解放自己，我在伊壁鳩魯的著作中找到了這種智慧。

Stoic philosopher.

斯多葛派哲學家。

As a former slave, he knew something about freedom and imprisonment.

作為一個曾經的奴隸，他對自由和監禁有所瞭解。

Epictetus believed that freedom arose when one focused only on the things if life they

伊壁鳩魯認為，當一個人只關注生活中的事情時，就會產生自由。

could control, and imprisonment arose when one focused on the things in life they could

當一個人專注於生活中他們可以控制的事情時，就會產生監禁。

not control.

不能控制。

This concept is commonly referred to as the dichotomy of control.

這一概念通常被稱為控制的二分法。

I had latched onto something I couldn't control: death.

我已經抓住了我無法控制的東西：死亡。

I suspected something had happened on the day I had worked out after taking an energy

我懷疑我在服用能量飲料後鍛鍊的那天發生了一些事情。

drink, some anomaly in my body.

飲料，我身體裡的一些異常情況。

And that anomaly led to my sudden fear and realization of death.

而這一反常現象導致了我對死亡的突然恐懼和認識。

And in trying to control the uncontrollable, in trying to control death, I secretly trapped

在試圖控制不可控制的事物時，在試圖控制死亡時，我偷偷地困住了

myself in a mental prison.

我自己在一個精神監獄裡。

And the prison of my mind took on a physical manifestation as I trapped myself in my own

當我把自己困在自己的牢籠裡時，我的思想牢籠就有了實際的表現形式。

home, afraid that leaving might cause more panic attacks.

回家，害怕離開可能會導致更多的恐慌發作。

I could have controlled my food choices, my exercise regimen, whether or not I left the

我本可以控制我的食物選擇，我的鍛鍊計劃，我是否離開了。

comfort of my own home, and whether or not I got my health checked out.

在我自己家裡的舒適度，以及我是否得到了我的健康檢查。

But I couldn't control death.

但我無法控制死亡。

And the more I tried to control it, the more I shrank away from life.

而我越是試圖控制它，就越是縮手縮腳地遠離生活。

I hit rock bottom.

我跌到了谷底。

I decided I had had enough.

我決定我已經受夠了。

I'd rather have lived a short, full life than a long, empty one trapped inside my own

我寧願活得短暫而充實，也不願活得漫長而空虛，被困在自己的身體裡。

home.

家。

I needed to let go of the desire to control death, and I did it in the only way I knew

我需要放下控制死亡的慾望，而我以我知道的唯一方式做到了這一點

how.

如何。

I went back to where it all started: exercise.

我回到了一切開始的地方：鍛鍊。

I decided to go for a run, and I decided that if I died on this run, if my heart gave out,

我決定去跑步，我決定如果我在這次跑步中死了，如果我的心臟壞了。

it would be okay, because it was better to challenge my fear than let it consume my entire

會好起來的，因為挑戰我的恐懼比讓它吞噬我的整個生命更好。

life.

生活。

Unsurprisingly, I ended up not dying on the run.

不出所料，我最終沒有死在跑步上。

And as I challenged the fear more and more, it began to recede.

隨著我越來越多地挑戰恐懼，它開始消退。

As I focused more on the things I could control—like my breathing, my diet, and my exercise regimen—my

當我把注意力更多地集中在我可以控制的事情上時，比如我的呼吸、我的飲食和我的鍛鍊計劃，我的

body began returning to normal.

身體開始恢復正常。

I breathed normally once again, my chest pains disappeared, and I stopped getting panic attacks

我再次正常呼吸，我的胸痛消失了，我也不再恐慌了。

soon after.

不久之後。

I find when I desire to control things I can't control, such as death, aging, or even views

我發現當我渴望控制我無法控制的事情時，比如死亡、衰老，甚至是觀點

on YouTube, I become a prisoner to my own mind.

在YouTube上，我成了我自己思想的囚徒。

On the other hand, when I surrender control to Fate and focus on the things I can control,

另一方面，當我向命運交出控制權，專注於我可以控制的事情時。

I become the master of my own mind.

我成為我自己思想的主人。

I escape the mental prison.

我逃離了精神監獄。

It would be a mistake for a reader of this essay to think that there's any advice here.

如果這篇文章的讀者認為這裡有什麼建議，那就錯了。

This essay is simply the report of my own experiences with living in and escaping my

這篇文章只是報告了我自己的生活經歷和逃離我的生活的經歷。

own mental prisons.

自己的精神監獄。

But upon examining his or her own life, a viewer may find that they too are trying to

但在審視自己的生活時，觀眾可能會發現，他們也在試圖

control the uncontrollable, and by doing so, they have trapped themselves in

控制不可控制的東西，這樣做，他們就把自己困在了

a

a

mental prison.

精神病院。