字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 Welcome back to Late Night, everybody. With Johnson & Johnson's one-shot vaccine now going into the arms of Americans, there are now three approved COVID-19 vaccines. Here with more on that is one of our writers, Jeff Wright. -What's up, Moderna? -Hey, Pfizer. -What are you doing here? -I'm here for the vaccine job. Really? Do you even have a vaccine? Of course I do, and it's 92 percent effective. That's cute. Mine is 94 percent effective, but who's counting? -So, you're here for the vaccine job, too? -Yep. So you might as well get a head start on traffic and go home. Everyone is gonna choose my vaccine. You're awfully confident for someone with such a bad name. What are you talking about? Your name literally sounds like murder. Nobody wants your Murder-na vaccine. Come on, man, "Moderna" doesn't sound like "murder." I had three name meetings, and nobody said nothing! Hey, uh, did the job interview start already? Not yet. Who are you guys? See, I told you we weren't gonna be late. I'm Johnson. That's my brother Johnson. -We're Johnson & Johnson. -Both of your names are Johnson? -Yeah. -So, which Johnson name comes first? -Mine does. -No, mine does. -But I'm older. -But I put more money in. -Well, it was my idea. -No, you said it as a joke, and I said, let's actually do it. Hey, guys, uh, we don't care. Just go by your first names. -Johnson? -Wait, so, your name is Johnson Johnson and Johnson Johnson? -Yeah. See, I told you we should've went by The Johnsons. No, then we'd be like the Jacksons, and somebody would have to be a Tito. -I'm not trying to be a Tito. -So, you guys have a vaccine, too? Yeah, and it only needs one shot. -What's your effective rate? -81 percent. -What? What was that? -81 percent. -Did he say "ampersand"? -I think he said, "Aidan for president." -Who's Aidan? -Remember Aidan? That dude from my gym class? The one with the eye thing? -Oh, yeah, that dude. What was up with his eye? -I think it was, like, dead. -When he looked at me, I, like, felt old. -I said 81 percent. -Oh, hell no! -But, but we protect against more than just COVID, and we're working on a new way to take the shot. Oh, that's what's up, 'cause I'm tired of taking shots in the butt. Oh! You do know you can inject it in the arm, right? -Oh, I knew that. I gotta make a quick phone call, but I'll be back. Hey, uh, is this where the interview is happening? -I have a vaccine, too. -Wait. Who are you? -AstraZeneca. -That's a cool name. -I would kill for that name. -I bet you would. Shut up. Why are you so late? I was working in Europe, and I just got in. -So, you just got off an international flight, and then quarantine? -Yeah, but that's because -- Trying to give me the virus. But he kept asking me to pull my pants down. You Johnsons can leave, too. I already got preorders from every country. I guess everyone wants my vaccine. Nobody wants your vaccine. You probably put the chip in people. That was one time, and it was a chocolate chip. -I was trying to end hunger. -Uh, next, Mr. Murder -- Murder-na? -It's Moderna. Never mind. Okay, well, good news. You all are approved. Okay. Then why did he give me my shot in the butt?! Then why did they give me mine in the butt?