doomed to founder? What's the difference between fragile and solid couples? Here are

註定的創始人？脆弱的夫婦和穩固的夫婦之間有什麼區別？這裡有

some of the things to look out for:

一些需要注意的事情。

Over-optimism about Relationships Fragile couples tend, paradoxically, to be

對關係的過度樂觀 脆弱的夫婦往往，矛盾的是，他們是

very hopeful about love. They associate happiness with conflict-free unions. They do not expect,

對愛情非常有希望。他們將幸福與無衝突的結合聯繫在一起。他們不期望。

once they have found the person they unwisely see as The One, ever to need to squabble,

一旦他們找到了他們不明智地認為是唯一的人，就永遠不需要爭吵了。

storm out of a room or feel unhappy for the afternoon. When trouble emerges, as it inevitably

從房間裡衝出來，或者在下午感到不高興。當麻煩出現時，因為它不可避免地會出現

does, they do not greet it as a sign that love is progressing as it should; rather as

他們並不把它看作是愛情正在取得應有進展的標誌，而是看作是

alarming evidence that their relationship may be illegitimate and fundamentally flawed.

令人震驚的證據表明，他們的關係可能是不合法的，而且有根本性的缺陷。

Their hopes tire them for the patient tasks of diplomatic negotiation and routine maintenance.

他們的希望使他們疲於應付外交談判和日常維護的耐心任務。

Out of touch with Pain Fragile couples tend not to be good detectives

與疼痛失之交臂 脆弱的夫婦往往不是好偵探

of their own sufferings. They may be both unhappy and yet unsure as to the actual causes

他們自己的痛苦。他們可能既不快樂，但又不確定實際的原因

of their dissatisfactions; they know that something is wrong in their unions, but they

他們的不滿；他們知道他們的工會出了問題，但他們

can't easily trace the catalysts. They can't zero in on the way that it was the lack of

不能輕易追蹤催化劑。他們無法歸納出這是缺乏的方式。

trust in them around money that rankles or that it has been their behaviour towards a

在金錢方面對他們的信任使他們感到不安，或者是他們對一個人的行為感到不安。

demanding youngest child that has been hurting. They lash out in vague or inaccurate directions,

苛刻的小兒，一直在傷害。他們在模糊或不準確的方向上出言不遜。

their attacks either unfairly general or unconvincingly specific.

他們的攻擊要麼不公平地籠統，要麼不令人信服地具體。

Shame A shamed person has fundamental doubts about

羞愧 一個羞愧的人對以下方面有根本的懷疑

their right to exist: somewhere in the past, they have been imbued with an impression that

他們的生存權：在過去的某個地方，他們被灌輸了一種印象，即

they do not matter very much, that their feelings should be ignored, that their happiness is

他們並不十分重要，他們的感受應該被忽視，他們的幸福是不重要的。

not a priority, that their words do not count. Once they are in a couple, shamed people hurt

不是一個優先事項，他們的話不算數。一旦他們成了夫妻，羞於啟齒的人就會受到傷害

like anyone else, but their capacity to turn their hurt into something another person can

像其他人一樣，但他們有能力將自己的傷害轉化為另一個人可以接受的東西。

understand, and be touched by, is recklessly weak. Shamed people will sulk rather than

理解並被觸動，是不計後果的軟弱。羞愧的人將生悶氣而不是

speak, hide rather than divulge, feel secretly wretched rather than candidly complain. It

說話，隱藏而不是洩露，暗暗地感到悲哀而不是坦率地抱怨。它

is frequently very late, far too late, by the time shamed people finally let their lover

當被羞辱的人最終讓他們的夫妻離開時，往往已經非常晚了，太晚了。

know more about the nature of their desperation.

瞭解更多關於他們絕望的性質。

Excessive Anxiety Complaining well requires an impression that

過度焦慮 抱怨好需要一個印象，即

not everything depends on the complaint being heard perfectly. Were the lesson to go wrong,

並非一切都取決於投訴被完美地聽到。如果教訓出了問題。

were the other to prove intransigent, one could survive and take one's love elsewhere.

如果對方證明是不妥協的，一個人可以生存下去，並把自己的愛帶到其他地方。

Not everything is at stake in an argument. The other hasn't ruined one's life. One

在爭論中，並不是所有的事情都是危在旦夕。另一個人並沒有毀掉自己的生活。一個人

therefore doesn't need to scream, hector, insist or nag. One can deliver a complaint

是以，不需要大喊大叫，挑釁，堅持或嘮叨。一個人可以提供一個投訴

with some of the nonchalance of a calm teacher who wants an audience to learn but can bear

一個希望聽眾學習但又能忍受的冷靜的老師的一些淡定的態度。

it if they don't; one could always say what one has on one's minds tomorrow, or the

如果他們不這樣做的話；人們總是可以在明天說出自己的想法，或者是在明天說出自己的想法。

next day.

第二天。

Excessive Pride It takes an inner dignity not to mind too

過度的自豪感 需要內在的尊嚴，不要太在意

much about having to level complaints around things that could sound laughably 'small'

圍繞著一些聽起來很可笑的 "小事 "進行投訴的情況很多

or that leave one open to being described as petty or needy. With too much pride and

或者讓人有機會被描述為小氣或需要。太多的驕傲和

fear, it can become unbearable to admit that one has been upset since lunch because they

恐懼，承認自己從午餐開始就一直很不開心，因為他們會變得難以忍受

didn't take one's hand on a walk, or that one wishes so much that they would be readier

沒有牽著一個人的手去散步，或者一個人非常希望他們能更快地完成任務。

to hug one last thing at night. One has to feel quite grown up inside not to be offended

在晚上擁抱最後一件事。一個人必須覺得自己已經長大，才不會被冒犯。

by one's own more childlike appetites for reassurance and comfort. It is an achievement

這是由一個人自己的更像孩子的胃口來保證和安慰的。這是一項成就

to know how to be strong about one's vulnerability. One may have said, rather too many times,

要知道如何堅強地對待自己的弱點。一個人可能已經說過，相當多的時候。

from behind a slammed door, in a defensive tone, 'No, nothing is wrong whatsoever.

從一扇被關上的門後面走出來，用一種防禦性的語氣說："不，沒有任何問題。

Go away', when secretly longing to be comforted and understood like a weepy, upset child.

走吧'，當暗地裡渴望得到安慰和理解時，就像一個哭泣的、不安的孩子。

Hopelessness about Dialogue Fragile couples often come together with few

對話的無望 脆弱的夫婦往往在一起時很少有機會。

positive childhood memories of conversations working out: early role models may simply

兒時對談話健身的積極記憶：早期的榜樣可能只是

have screamed and then despaired of one another. They may never have witnessed disagreements

尖叫過，然後對彼此絕望。他們可能從未目睹過分歧的情況

eventually morphing into mutual understanding and sympathy. They would deeply love to be

最終蛻變為相互理解和同情。他們會深愛著

understood, but they can bring precious few resources to the task of making themselves

他們能理解，但他們能帶來寶貴的資源來使自己

so.

所以。

None of these factors mean a couple will split up, but they are generators of the states

這些因素都不意味著一對夫婦會分手，但它們是各州的生成器。

of emotional disconnection that can eventually break two people apart. Outwardly, things

的情感斷裂，最終會使兩個人分開。外表上看，事情

may seemingly be well. A couple may have an interesting social life, some lovely children,

可能看起來很好。一對夫婦可能有一個有趣的社會生活，一些可愛的孩子。

a new apartment. But a more judicious analysis will reveal an unexpected degree of risk.

一個新的公寓。但是，更明智的分析將揭示出一個意想不到的風險程度。

The good news is that knowing a little about the risk factors can help us identify them

好消息是，對風險因素有一點了解可以幫助我們識別它們

in good time - and, with the help of good advice, for example, from the School of Life, fix them

並在良好建議的幫助下，例如在生命學校的幫助下，將它們固定下來。

while there is still time.

趁現在還有時間。