and the Chris Columbus that didn’t kill any Indians

comes the Christmas classic that cable channels have rerun every holiday season for the last

20 years.

20? God that makes me feel old...

Home Alone.

Deck the halls and gather round for a family film about standing your ground

"Hello!"

in one of the most violent kids movies ever made,

that’s one part Ferris Bueller

and one part Saw.

This Christmas, travel to the all-white part of Chicago

to meet the Mcallisters

the worst family ever.

"Kevin, you're such a disease."

Rejoice in the Christmas spirit as they gang up on this 8-year-old boy.

"Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?"

"You're completely helpless."

"Look what ya did, you little jerk!"

"Everyone in this family hates me!"

Then stick him in the attic and leave the country.

"What else could we be forgetting?"

"Mom?"

Witness years of neglect and abuse take their toll on this small child,

as he shows all the signs of becoming a sociopath, like

manipulation,

"Go."

"I'm sorry."

talking to himself,

"I can't seem to find my toothbrush so I'll pick one up when I go out today."

and trapping two non-violent criminals inside a sadistic world of torture from which there

is no escape.

But gosh darn if he isn’t just the cutest little thing.

Meet the “Wet Bandits."

There’s Marv, who sounds like the narrator from the Wonder Years.

"Kids are scared of the dark."

And Harry, who sounds like Joe Pesci trying not to curse in a PG movie.

Watch as these bumbling idiots

only rob from one block in broad daylight,

wear fingerless gloves during a burglary,

and are irrationally obsessed with one house

"That's the one, Marvin. That's the silver tuna."

that's really just full of mannequins and poinsettias.

Seriously, there’s like nothing there worth stealing here.

So bundle up and relive the early 90’s joy of

Micro Machines,

Starting Lineup figures,

Johnny Carson,

35mm cameras,

landline phones,

answering machines,

pre-9/11 air travel,

and McCaulay Culkin.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Prepare to have your heartstrings tugged as Kevin, who’s been Home Alone for 3 days,

is finally reunited with his family

then immediately left alone again.

That was awkward.

Starring...

Joe Pepsi

Wish Kid

Little Big Pete

Arcade Fire

The Dad From Home Alone

Igby Wets Bed

Jasper Beardly

John Cameo

Buzzfeed

The Running Mom

and Space Jam.

Home Alone.

Oh man...

This scene always gets me.

I'm not crying! You're crying!

I

really should call my dad!

Thanks for watching!