-Let's get to the news.

According to a new report,

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy

has hired former President Trump's

White House political director Brian Jack

to help Republicans win back the House in 2022,

though it's unclear if Jack can recapture the magic

that helped Trump lose by eight million votes.

After Senator Bernie Sanders criticized him

on Twitter last week for his multibillion-dollar fortune,

Tesla founder Elon Musk tweeted,

"I am accumulating resources to help make life multiplanetary

& extend the light of consciousness to the stars,"

and then, he coughed for like five minutes straight.

[ Laughter ] New York representative Tom Reed

was accused last week of sexual misconduct.

Okay, well, that's strike one of,

apparently, thirty?

Britain's Queen Elizabeth is reportedly set

to appoint a diversity czar, after Duchess Meghan Markle

accused the royal family of racism.

Because, when I think,

"sensitivity to the disenfranchised,"

I think "czar." [ Laughter ]

According to reports, several young White House staffers

have been put on probation or fired,

due to past marijuana use.

So, if anyone asks,

this is just tobacco.

Calms him down, makes him less likely to bite.

Virginia Commonwealth University's basketball team

was pulled out of the NCAA March Madness tournament

over the weekend,

after several positive coronavirus tests.

And I don't want to brag, but I

totally had that in my bracket.

Six Flags announced that it will reopen

its theme parks in California next month.

When asked if it was safe, they said,

"I mean, as safe as we've ever been."

[ Laughter ]

A wax museum in Texas

recently removed a statue of former President Trump,

after it was repeatedly punched and scratched by visitors

and -- this is weird --

as well as by the other wax statues.

[ Laughs ] A representative

from a sex toy company said, in a new interview,

that the next generation

of artificial intelligence sex robots

will have sensors in erogenous zones that respond to touch.

So, introducing...

[ Laughter ]

Today was World Water Day, so,

shout-out to my hose! [hos]

[ Laughter ]

Scollins!

Ruins World Water Day.

And, you know, he thinks he's very clever, but, uh...

I saw how you spelled the joke.

[ Laughter ]

And, finally, officials in Cambridge, Massachusetts,

recently approved plans

for a cannabis cookie store in Harvard Square.

So, if you go to Harvard and you love weed,

I bet your dad also went to Harvard?

[ Laughter ] And that was the monologue, everybody.

And I know what you're thinking -- "Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You didn't show that clip of Biden tripping

on the stairs to Air Force One.

If Trump had tripped like that,

you would've shown that clip for a month."

And you know what?

You're right. [ Laughter ]

We would've done that.

So, fine, here's the clip of Biden tripping.

I mean, he did run for president

like eight times before he won, so,

obviously, he's going to stick with it,

no matter how many times he trips.

[ Laughter ]

In the interests of equal time...

-Whoops. [ Laughter ]

-Stand by.

[ Laughter ]

-Ten thousand known or suspesked --

-♪ It's fun to stay at the ♪

♪ YMCA ♪

-You know what? I think

our Trump clips are a little longer.

[ Laughter ]

We'll fix that for the repeat.

It's interesting. I feel like

they're the opposite with stairs and COVID.

Like with COVID, Trump took no precautions.

Biden took every precaution.

But on stairs or ramps, Trump's super careful...

[ Laughter ]

...always holding the railing,

going real slow.

[ Laughter ]

Whereas, Biden throws caution to the wind,

trips upstairs three times.

[ Laughter ]

So, it's interesting, you know,

it just shows we all contain multitudes.

♪♪

White House advisors are reportedly set to present

a two-part $3 trillion jobs and infrastructure proposal

to President Biden this week, which seems to me

like a huge overreaction to a couple of broken stairs.

Got to love him respecting the rule of threes.

[ Laughter ]

While testifying last week

before the Senate,

Republican Senator Rand Paul criticized

infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci

for continuing to wear a mask

after receiving the coronavirus vaccine.

But that's insane. We're in a pandemic.

Fauci is an epidemiologist.

If you're at the zoo and you see the lion keeper running,

you run!

According to a new report, since President Biden took office,

CNN has lost 45% of its prime time audience

to its biggest competitor --

a good night's sleep.

That's right, news outlets are seeing a slump in ratings

after former President Trump left office.

Yeah, of course, and the Weather Channel

always takes a hit after hurricane season is over.

Nobody ever yells, "It's sunny and 75!

Quick! Turn on the TV!" [ Laughter ]

Russian President Vladimir Putin

received the coronavirus vaccine today.

He wanted to do it weeks ago, but they had to wait

for the healthcare worker's hand to stop shaking.

Vice President Kamala Harris today swore in

former Boston Mayor Marty Walsh as Labor secretary.

Walsh's first planned action as secretary

will be to remove the letter "R"

from [Boston accent] "labah."

[ Laughter ]

Former President Trump yesterday endorsed the primary challenger

for Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger.

And he would love it if Brad could help

find enough votes for that guy to win.

A Pennsylvania couple is receiving attention online

after converting a former school

into an almost $2.4 mansion, which was all well and good

until the students returned from remote learning.

"What the hell?!

[ Laughter ]

The art studio's a bathroom?!"

[ Laughter ] A group of former

"Jeopardy!" winners and contestants

recently published an open letter calling on producers

to remove talk show host Dr. Oz as guest host,

which is a shame.

If anything, Dr. Oz needs

more access to the correct answers.

[ Laughter ] Congress is reportedly

considering a ban on menthol cigarettes.

Well, at least this storming of Capitol won't be so bad.

[ Breathing heavily ] "Ugh! So many stairs.

Let's just -- I think we'll just go home.

Let's write a letter?"

According to a new study, eating breakfast before 8:30 am

may lower the risk of developing diabetes,

but it doesn't count

if you're out drinking until then.

Today was National Agriculture Day, so,

shout-out to my hoes.

[ Laughter ] Scollins, again.

Back-to-back days.

Turns in the same joke.

♪♪

White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki said on Monday

that President Biden and former President Barack Obama

still talk on the phone regularly.

And it always starts the same way.

[ As Obama ] Joe, uh...

this could've been a text.

[ As Biden ] It's not the same!

[ Laughter ] Senator Ted Cruz

criticized Democrats yesterday

for their response to recent gun violence.

Apparently, he was upset that, during a time of serious crisis,

Democrats didn't even try to go on vacation.

In her defamation lawsuit with Dominion Voting Systems,

former President Trump's ex-lawyer Sidney Powell argued

that her claims to invalidate the 2020 election

were not based in fact.

And I just can't believe we were lied to

by the fake-head lady from "Total Recall."

[ Laughter ]

It was announced yesterday that Regal theaters

will begin reopening early next month

and will show the new movie "Godzilla vs. Kong."

And I got to say, I didn't realize, until just now,

how much I missed walking out of movies.

[ Laughter ]

A teacher in Britain was recently suspended for two years

after he said his female students dressed like

"prostitutes and Kardashian clones."

And then, another year for adding,

"I meant it as a compliment.

[ Laughter ] [ Laughs ] Tip of my cap."

[ Laughter ]

What am I doing?

I can do a British accent and I choked on it twice.

[ Laughs ] "Tip of my cap!"

[ Laughter ]

Legendary director Steven Spielberg is set

to direct a semi-biographical movie about his life,

while legendary director Woody Allen

did a bunch.

[ Laughter ]

The creators of "Sesame Street"

introduced two new Black Muppets yesterday

to help facilitate discussions of racism and Black identity,

which means Kermit may finally have to admit

that it's pretty easy being green.

Champion free diver Alexey Molchanov

broke another world record last week,

after diving approximately 262 feet on a single breath.

Even more incredible, this guy is still holding his breath

for the Supreme Court to overturn the election.

[ Laughter ]

Got bad news from you from fake-head lady.

[ Laughter ] Florida recently banned

the importation of non-native reptile species.

Said one man,

"What if we're already here?"

[ Laughter ]

Convenience store chain 7-Elevens --

[ Laughing ] 7-Eleven.

Convenience -- Guys. Convenience store --

Stop moving the cards, Wally.

[ Laughter ]

Convenience store chain 7-Eleven announced yesterday

they will partner with Laredo Taco

to open a drive-through at a location in Dallas,

though it sounds more like they're partnering

with the police on a DUI roadblock.

[ Laughter ]

And, finally, today was National Cheesesteak Day.

Celebrate by taking a Whiz.

[ Laughter ]

Three days in a row from Scollins.

A turkey.

[ Laughter ]

We got to say -- I mean, again, I think if you're --

you know, if you're one of our loyal viewers,

Mike Scollins, for three days in a row, has written a joke

about whatever national day it was.

And, now, you have to tune in tomorrow

to see if he can get four in a row.

The rare hambone, I believe it's called.

[ Laughter ]

So, hopefully, for Scollins, tomorrow is

National Hacky Joke Day. [ Laughter ]

♪♪

President Biden held his first official news conference today

and Democrats everywhere held the edge of their seats.

During his first press conference today,

President Biden said, "I got elected to solve problems."

Um, okay. So, what do you know

about boats and canals, then? [ Laughter ]

During his press conference, President Biden said

he supports changing the rules of the filibuster