- It's not funny if it's not true.

- 如果不是真的，那就不好笑了。

I don't know what to believe with you.

我不知道該相信你什麼。

- I'm not lying.

- 我沒有說謊

Like so many people at the beginning of the pandemic

就像很多人在疫情初期一樣。

I found myself moving in with my parents

我發現我搬到了我父母那裡

once my New York City lease ended.

一旦我的紐約市租約結束，

Yeah, it was embarrassing.

是的，這是尷尬的。

But I know I was lucky that I even had that as an option.

但我知道我很幸運，我甚至有這個選項。

But as an adult, living with your parents is different,

但是成年後，和父母一起生活就不一樣了。

especially when some have lost jobs,

特別是當一些人失去工作的時候。

and some are working from home all the time.

而有些人則是一直在家工作。

It's just like a lot of everyone being on top of each other.

這就像很多人都在彼此之上。

I'm living with my parents,

我和我父母住在一起

and just when I think things can't get more complicated,

就在我認為事情不能再複雜的時候，

this happened.

這發生。

Okay, so my period has not come.

好吧，所以我的月經還沒來。

So I just went out and bought like five pregnancy tests.

所以我就出去買了5個驗孕棒。

I don't think you really need to take that many.

我覺得你真的不需要吃那麼多。

Let's do this.

讓我們做這個。

You see that (beeps), two lines.

你看，（嘟嘟），兩行。

It just appears that I am indeed pregnant.

只是看來，我確實是懷孕了。

I'm pregnant, I live with my parents.

我懷孕了，我和父母住在一起。

That's gonna be funny to tell the baby one day, right?

有一天告訴寶寶一定會很有趣，對吧？

Yes, that's right.

是的，是這樣的

I found out I was pregnant and I had to hide it

我發現自己懷孕了，我必須要隱瞞下去

from my roommates, who happened to be my parents.

從我的室友，誰碰巧是我的父母。

(jazzy music)

(爵士樂)

Before we go into that, let me backtrack a little.

在我們討論這個問題之前，讓我先回溯一下。

Because, as anyone knows, to get pregnant

因為，誰都知道，要想懷孕

in the traditional sense it takes two to tango.

一唱一和

And yes, my tango partner was my husband, Mike.

是的，我的探戈舞伴是我的丈夫，邁克。

He also moved out when our lease ended

我們的租約到期後，他也搬走了

and in with his in-laws.

並與他的親家一起進。

The pregnancy, was it planned?

懷孕，是計劃中的嗎？

Well, that's like debatable because yeah,

嗯，這就像辯論，因為是的。

I eventually wanted to get pregnant,

我最終還是想懷孕了。

like in two years or something.

像在兩年或東西。

You know, post pandemic, post living with parents.

你知道，流行病後，與父母同住後。

That was the plan.

這就是計劃。

So let me just say that if you thought

所以我只想說，如果你認為

there was a grace period, after you switch off

有一個寬限期，在你關閉後，你關閉

contraceptive pills to another method, you're wrong.

避孕藥到另一種方法，你錯了。

Take it from me and my belly.

從我和我的肚子裡拿。

There is no grace period.

沒有寬限期。

Anyway, so my husband and I find out I'm pregnant

總之，我和老公發現我懷孕了。

and we freak out.

然後我們就嚇壞了。

So we decide to wait to see if the pregnancy is viable.

所以我們決定等著看是否能懷孕。

Now with any pregnancy, most people decide to wait

現在任何懷孕，大多數人都決定等待。

to tell anybody till the end of the first trimester.

在懷孕前三個月內不告訴任何人。

And that's because up to a quarter

而這是因為多達四分之一的

of pregnancies end in miscarriage.

懷孕的人以流產告終；

And most miscarriages occur during the first trimester.

而大多數的流產都發生在前三個月。

But also, we needed some privacy,

但是，我們也需要一些隱私。

which was a lot easier said than done.

這說起來容易做起來難。

Alcohol, it's a dead giveaway.

酒精，這是一個致命的漏洞。

Once you reach a certain age as a woman

當你到了一定的年齡，作為一個女人

and you refuse a drink, everyone around you is gonna ask,

如果你拒絕喝酒，你周圍的人都會問。

oh what, are you pregnant?

哦，什麼，你是懷孕了嗎？

Yeah.

是啊。

So I did not wanna get that question.

所以我不想問這個問題。

My big problem was my parents are a big fan of nightcaps.

我最大的問題是我的父母很喜歡吃夜宵。

Like every night and also afternoon.

比如每天晚上，還有下午。

My family likes to drink.

我家喜歡喝酒。

So avoiding alcohol was a real challenge.

所以避免喝酒是一個真正的挑戰。

We go to kind of an outdoor,

我們去的是一種戶外。

socially distanced dinner at my cousin's.

在我表哥家吃了一頓社會疏遠的晚餐。

And my one cousin's making margaritas.

而我的一個表妹在做瑪格麗特酒。

And I'm being given a margarita.

而且我還得到了一杯瑪格麗特酒。

So what do we do?

那麼我們該怎麼辦呢？

I pretend to sip the drink throughout the night.

我假裝喝了一整夜的酒。

And my husband strategically switches his drink,

而我的丈夫戰略性地換了他的飲料。

which is nearly empty, with mine.

這幾乎是空的，與我的。

End of night my husband is drunk, not blackout but gray.

晚上我老公喝醉了，不是黑夜，而是灰色。

So we realized that wasn't a method

所以我們意識到這不是一個方法

we could really continue with.

我們真的可以繼續與。

So we developed a second method

所以我們開發了第二種方法

of strategically only drinking canned beverages,

的戰略只喝罐裝飲料。

beers, hard kombucha, ciders.

啤酒、硬昆布、蘋果酒。

So when my mom would offer me a drink, I take the cider.

所以當我媽給我喝的時候，我就會拿蘋果酒。

I'd soon after go to the bathroom, dump it out,

我很快就會去廁所，把它倒掉。

put a funnel in there,

把一個漏斗在那裡。

and replace it with something that looks similar.

並用類似的東西代替它。

So like with a cider, I would pour in some apple juice

所以像喝蘋果酒一樣，我會倒入一些蘋果汁。

that I had hidden underneath the sink.

我把它藏在水槽下面。

And then I would drink that the rest of the night.

然後我就會喝上一整晚。

Although my mom was getting me my favorite cider,

雖然我媽在給我買我最喜歡的蘋果酒。

and so I felt particularly bad dumping it down,

所以我覺得特別不好甩下去。

feeding it to whatever sewer people live deep down there.

把它餵給那些住在下水道深處的人。

But the ruse was a success.

但這個計策很成功。

There was a second telltale sign

還有第二個跡象

of pregnancy I had to cover up.

的懷孕，我不得不掩飾。

And that was weight gain.

那就是增重。

Now not everyone gets that in the first trimester,

現在不是每個人都能在懷孕前三個月得到。

but I did.

但我做到了。

Fortunately that one was a little easier

幸好那個比較容易

to just blame on the situation.

以只是責備的情況。

It's the pandemic.

是大流行病。

Yeah, I ordered a bunch of jeans in a new size.

是啊，我訂了一堆新尺寸的牛仔褲。

And then that kind of ended the conversation

然後就這樣結束了對話

'cause no one's gonna inquire further, because that's rude.

因為沒有人會進一步詢問， 因為那是不禮貌的。

Vomiting is the third telltale sign, aka morning sickness.

嘔吐是第三個明顯的信號，也就是晨吐。

Although I don't know why it's named that

雖然我不知道為什麼叫這個名字。

unless you also consider the night and the afternoon

除非你也考慮到晚上和下午

the morning, because morning sickness occurs all the time.

晨，因為晨吐的情況時有發生。

After a few weeks, I find myself vomiting.

幾周後，我發現自己在嘔吐。

So I have to hide my frequent bathroom trips.

所以，我不得不掩飾自己經常上廁所的行為。

I dramatically order a bunch of diarrhea medication,

我戲劇性地點了一堆拉肚子的藥。

which I open in front of my mom.

我在我媽媽面前打開。

Mom, looks like my diarrhea medicine's arrived.

媽媽，看來我的止瀉藥到了。

And make a big deal of.

並大肆宣揚。

Thank god my diarrhea medicine is finally here, huh.

謝天謝地，我的拉肚子藥終於來了，呵呵。

So that she knows there's a reason

讓她知道這是有原因的

why I'm always in the bathroom.

為什麼我總是在浴室裡。

And then when I'm in the bathroom

然後當我在浴室裡

I'm either playing a podcast,

我要麼在玩播客。

or I've put some water on to kind of hide the retching.

或者我放了些水來掩蓋我的嘔吐。

It was horrible, but it worked.

雖然很可怕，但很有效。

After all of that, I'm pretty confident

經過這一切，我很有信心

I'm gonna be able to make it the full 13 weeks

我一定能熬過13周的時間

with this ruse, lying, keeping the secret.

用這種詭計，撒謊，保守祕密。

I feel really great about it,

我感覺真的很不錯。

until I make this one really dumb, really huge mistake.

直到我犯了這個非常愚蠢，非常巨大的錯誤。

So one day in particular, I'm feeling very tired and lazy,

所以有一天，我特別覺得很累，很懶。

which is another pregnancy sign that I blame on medication.

這是我歸咎於藥物的另一個懷孕信號。

I text my husband, can you bring me that pregnancy book?

我給老公發短信，你能不能把那本懷孕書給我拿來？

Only, I didn't just text my husband Mike.

只是，我不只是給我丈夫邁克發短信。

I texted a chain with Mike and my mom.

我和邁克還有我媽發了一條簡訊。

So he replies to me, uh, did you mean to do that?

所以他回答我，呃，你是故意的嗎？

I am horrified.

我嚇壞了。

I want to cry.

我想哭。

I have put so much time and work into this,

我花了這麼多時間和精力在這上面。

and I ruined it all with like a really dumb text.

我毀了這一切 像一個非常愚蠢的文字。

I didn't even spell pregnancy correctly.

我連懷孕都沒拼對。

I didn't spell pregnancy correctly.

我沒有拼對懷孕。

Maybe I can cover it up.

也許我可以掩蓋它。

So I text, haha, just kidding.

於是我發短信，哈哈，開個玩笑。

I meant producer book, because I am a producer.

我的意思是製作人書，因為我是製作人。

So you know, maybe, I don't know.

所以你知道，也許，我不知道。

I don't know what a producer book would be.

我不知道製作人書會是什麼。

But I texted that and (beeps)

但我發了簡訊，然後（嗶嗶聲）。

I didn't feel like that covered it.

我不覺得這樣就可以了。

So I'm like, you know, okay Sarah,

所以我想，你知道，好吧，莎拉。

you have to face what you've done.

你必須面對你所做的一切。

You gotta go talk to your mother.

你得去和你媽媽談談

So I slink towards the kitchen to just come clean to my mom.

於是，我向廚房溜達，只想向媽媽坦白。

And I see that she's standing there,

我看到她站在那裡。

with her back to me, washing the dishes.

她背對著我，在洗碗。

Her phone is behind her sitting on the table.

她的手機就在身後坐在桌子上。

It appears to be untouched.

它似乎沒有被動過。

My adrenaline's pumping.

我的腎上腺素的泵。

I grab the phone.

我抓起手機。

I run to the bathroom.

我跑到衛生間。

I find the text message chain, delete, delete.

我找到了簡訊鏈，刪除，刪除。

And then I come back out quietly,

然後我就悄悄地回來了。

and I put the phone back exactly where it was.

我把手機放回原處。

She doesn't notice.

她沒有注意到。

I breathe a sigh of relief.

我鬆了一口氣。

I had so, oh (beeps), her computer.

我有這麼，哦（嗶嗶聲），她的電腦。

Her computer gets all the iMessages from her phone.

她的電腦從手機上獲取所有的iMessages。

So it's gonna be there.

所以它會在那裡。

She's gonna open her computer, see it, and figure it out.

她會打開她的電腦，看到它，並找出它。

So I find her computer in her room.

所以我在她的房間裡找到了她的電腦。

Take it out.

把它拿出來

I again, go to the bathroom, probably to engage in what,

我又是上廁所，可能是要搞什麼。

she must assume, is another bout of diarrhea.

她一定認為，是又一次的腹瀉。

And I attempt to delete the messages.

而我試圖刪除這些資訊。

Only, I don't have the password to her laptop.

只是，我沒有她筆記本的密碼。

And I know I only have a certain number of tries.

而且我知道我只有一定的嘗試次數。

So I try password birthday, capital P password anniversary.

所以我嘗試密碼生日，大寫的P密碼週年紀念。

You know, it's not working.

你知道的，它不工作。

My sister's name plus the year exclamation point.

我妹妹的名字加上年份的感嘆號。

It works, which also I'm like,

它的工作，這也我喜歡。

my sister's name, not my name?

我妹妹的名字，不是我的名字？

But whatever, it doesn't matter.

但不管怎樣，這都無所謂。

I'm in the computer, I find the messages.

我在電腦裡，找到了這些資訊。

I can't figure out how to delete them individually.

我不知道如何單獨刪除它們。

So I just delete everything.

所以我就把所有的東西都刪除了。

I just hope she thinks it's

我只是希望她認為這是

like an update that wiped everything out.

就像一次更新，把一切都消滅了。

I get off the computer, flush the toilet to cover my tracks,

我從電腦上下來，衝馬桶掩飾自己的行蹤。

and then I put it back where it was.

然後我把它放回原處。

And then I'm like, Sarah, you just got (beeps).

然後我就說，莎拉，你剛剛得到（嗶嗶聲）。

She has an Apple watch.

她有一塊蘋果手錶。

The texts would've gone there and she's wearing the watch.

簡訊會去那裡，她戴著手錶。

So I wait a little bit, and I walk over to her.

所以我等了一會兒，就走到她身邊。

I don't know if she did see the text,

我不知道她是否真的看到了簡訊。

I don't know if she'd come right out and say it.

我不知道她會不會直接說出來。

So I start off by saying, mom,

所以我先說，媽媽。

I've gotta come clean about something.

我得坦白一些事情

And then I stop, and I look at her.

然後我停下來，看著她。

Like giving her time to fill it in.

比如給她時間去填。

If she saw the text

如果她看到這段文字

maybe she would just say, you're pregnant.

也許她會說，你懷孕了。

Or maybe more likely she'd say something like,

或者她更有可能會說這樣的話：

oh what, pregnancy brain?

哦，什麼，懷孕的大腦？

You forgot to do something.

你忘了做什麼

But no, silence.

但是沒有，沉默。

She just looks at me, completely clueless.

她只是看著我，完全不懂。

So I'm just like, I spilled soda on your duvet.

所以，我只是喜歡，我灑了蘇打水在你的羽絨被。

I'll get you a new one if it doesn't come out.

如果它不出來，我就給你買個新的。

But she's like, okay, and she goes back to washing.

但她就像，好吧，她回去洗。

And I'm like, I can't believe it.

我很喜歡，我不能相信它。

I can't believe I just got away with all that.

我真不敢相信我居然能逃過這一切。

But I have to be smarter and I have to be more careful.

但我必須更聰明，我必須更小心。

And so I am.

我也是如此。

So fast forward a few weeks.

所以快進幾個星期。

All right, we're about to go find out

好了，我們要去找找看了

if what's inside me is a baby.

如果我肚子裡的是一個嬰兒，

My first trimester is about over.

我的頭三個月就要結束了。

Baby still looks healthy.

寶寶看起來還是很健康的。

Baby exists.

寶貝的存在。

I decide to tell my parents.

我決定告訴我的父母。

I wait till they go to visit my sister in another state.

我等著他們去另一個州看望我妹妹。

You know, my sister, my mom's password.

你知道，我的妹妹，我媽媽的密碼。

So we're doing a Zoom call,

所以我們要做一個Zoom電話。

and I surprise her, and I tell her.

我給她一個驚喜，我告訴她。

- Nuh uh!

- Nuh uh!

Nuh uh!

Nuh uh!

- Really, really? - Really.

- 真的，真的嗎？- 真的，真的嗎？

- [Mom] You're not kidding, right?

- [媽媽]你不是在開玩笑吧？

- No, it's real. - No I'm not.

- 不，它是真實的。- 不，我不是。

- It's real.

- 這是真實的。

- And I accidentally texted Mike

- 我不小心給邁克發了簡訊

and you on a text message chain.

和你在簡訊鏈上。

- Even if you had not deleted that pregnancy thing,

- 即使你沒有刪除那個懷孕的事情。

I would never, I would not have thought anything of it.

我絕不會，我不會有任何想法的。

- Were you not suspicious at all from that?

- 難道你一點都不懷疑嗎？

- No.

- 不知道

- I mean she has no idea.

- 我的意思是她不知道。

My secret was safe.

我的祕密是安全的。

It didn't come out.

它沒有出來。

Because she thinks I'm a total lightweight with drinking

因為她覺得我是個喝酒的輕量級人物。

she wouldn't have thought twice if I had refused alcohol.

如果我拒絕喝酒，她也不會多想。

Also, she said, she just thinks I go to the bathroom a lot.

還有，她說，她只是覺得我經常上廁所。

So I didn't even need to make up a diarrhea excuse.

所以我連拉肚子的藉口都不用編了。

Yeah, in retrospect I wish I hadn't come up with that lie.

是啊，現在回想起來，我真希望自己沒有想到這個謊言。

Anyway, few months later,

總之，幾個月後。

Mike and I move into our own place again.

邁克和我又搬到了自己的地方。

We have our own privacy.

我們有自己的隱私。

And we tell the news to a wider friend circle,

而我們把這個消息告訴了更廣泛的朋友圈。

so we're not keeping any secrets from anyone anymore.

所以我們不再對任何人保密了。

Literally not anyone because you know now.

從字面上看不是任何人，因為你現在知道了。