and that means that it's time for people to --

這意味著，現在是時候讓人們 --

Tariq, you okay?

塔裡克，你還好嗎？

Seem a little bothered.

似乎有些煩惱。

-No, I'm good.

-不，我很好

[ Scattered laughter ]

[分散的笑聲]

-You sure? You don't seem good.

-你確定？你確定？ - 你看起來不怎麼樣

-No, I'm just, you know, thinking of some new entries

-不，我只是，你知道的，在想一些新的作品。

for my irk list.

為我的Irk列表。

-Irk list? What's an irk list?

-騷擾名單？什麼是IRK名單？

-Come on, man. You know, it's a list that I keep

-來吧，夥計你知道，這是我一直以來的清單。

of things that annoy me.

的事情，讓我很煩惱。

Random stuff.

隨機的東西。

You know what? I'll just show you.

你知道嗎？我就給你看。

It's time for "Tariq's Irk List"!

現在是 "塔裡克的伊爾克名單 "的時候了!

-♪ "Tariq's Irk List" ♪

-"塔裡克的伊爾克名單"？

♪ Of the things that irk Tariq ♪

# Of the things that irk Tariq #

-So, my daughter woke me up last night

-所以，我女兒昨晚把我叫醒了。

because she heard a noise in her room.

因為她聽到房間裡有聲音。

I go, "What do you want me to do?

我去："你要我怎麼做？

You know I haven't been eating meat, girl. I'm weak."

你知道我一直沒有吃肉，姑娘。我很虛弱。"

-[ Laughs ] What?

-什麼？

-So, she says she thinks she heard a ghost.

-所以，她說她認為她聽到了鬼魂的聲音。

Now, no disrespect to people who believe in the supernatural --

現在，沒有不尊重的人 誰相信在超自然 -

I mean, I think I do.

我的意思是，我想我做的。

I definitely believe energy just transfers and never dies.

我絕對相信能量只是轉移，永遠不會消失。

But I don't really buy into the concept of the traditional,

但我不太相信傳統的概念。

mischievous, "boo," Scooby-Doo variety of ghosts, Jimmy.

調皮，"噓"，史酷比各種鬼，吉米。

So, I go, "Child --"

所以，我說："孩子..."

I'm terrible with names.

我的名字很糟糕

I go -- -Your own child?

我走了 -- 你自己的孩子？

-Yeah, I -- -Your own --

-是的，我... 你自己的...

-It leaves me.

-它離開了我。

I go, "Child, there's no way ghosts exist."

我說："孩子，鬼不可能存在。"

And she's all, "How do you know?"

她說："你怎麼知道？"

which at this point, is pretty much all she ever says to me.

在這一點上，是幾乎所有 她曾經對我說。

I mean, she's 15 years old.

我的意思是，她是15歲。

But it irks me that she demands

但我很生氣，她要求

I produce proof to support anything I ever said --

我拿出證據來證明我說過的任何話 --

footnotes, bibliography,

腳註、書目。

complete this CAPTCHA screen, identify all the fire hydrants,

完成這個驗證碼螢幕，確定所有的消防栓。

stop lights, and bridges. It's a bit much.

紅綠燈，和橋樑。這是一個有點多。

So I say, "You know what?

所以我說："你知道嗎？

Somebody confirmed it on YouTube."

有人在YouTube上證實了這一點。"

And she goes, "Why didn't you say that in the first place?"

她說："你為什麼不一開始就說呢？"

And then I tell her, "Because I'm kidding."

然後我告訴她，"因為我是在開玩笑。"

It's actually because I know way too many vengeful,

其實是因為我認識的復仇者太多。

spiteful, petty people who've died

小人得志

that would have come back a long time ago to haunt somebody,

那會在很久之前就會回來糾纏某人。

anybody if they could.

任何人，如果他們能。

It takes one to know one, and I'm that type of person, Jimmy.

這需要一個人去了解一個人，而我就是那種人，吉米。

I'm "petty" petty.

我是 "小氣 "的小氣。

-You are petty? -Can't help it.

-你很小氣？-沒辦法.

I'm still mad at you for something you said to me

我還在為你對我說的話而生氣呢

on a random Tuesday morning in 2009.

在2009年一個隨機的週二上午。

[ Light laughter ]

[輕笑]

I never got over it.

我從來沒有得到過它。

I'm not gonna say what it is right now,

我現在不會說是什麼。

but if I die and come back as a ghost,

但如果我死了，以鬼魂的身份回來。

I'll for sure remind you of it, maybe --

我一定會提醒你的，也許... ...

[ Laughter ] -Wait, wait, I'm sorry --

[笑]等待，等待，我很抱歉 -

So, you're going to haunt me?

所以，你要纏著我？

-Yeah, maybe for all of eternity.

-是的，也許是永恆的。

So, I'm up now. I can't get back to sleep.

所以，我現在起來了。我睡不著了

That wakes up my wife.

那會吵醒我老婆。

Instinctively, she immediately does something that irks me,

本能地，她馬上做出一些讓我不爽的事情。

because for her not to do so would be too much like right.

因為她不這樣做就太像對了。

She says, "Babe, you're up?"

她說："寶貝，你起來了？"

I go, "No.

我去，"不。

I'm fast asleep, Michelle.

我快睡著了，米歇爾

I'm sound asleep.

我睡得很香

I'm in the Land of Nod right now."

我現在就在諾德之國。"

And she goes, "It's 3:00 a.m. in the morning."

她說："現在是凌晨3點"

And that's like nails on a chalkboard for me,

這對我來說就像黑板上的釘子。

because the fact that you said "a.m."

因為你說了 "上午 "的事實。

is already indicative of it being in the morning.

已經說明是在早上了。

We didn't need both. It's one or the other.

我們不需要兩個都要。要麼選擇一個，要麼選擇另一個。

So consider yourself irk-listed. -Okay, alright, yeah, okay.

所以，考慮你自己的惱怒名單。-好吧，好吧，好吧，好吧。

-I mean, at this point, she basically has a high score.

-我的意思是，在這一點上，她基本上有一個高分。

Now I'm wide-awake.

現在我醒了

I'm wide-awake, man. I'm "woke" woke.

我是醒著的，夥計。我是 "醒 "醒的。

So I go, hey, I'm going to try and get some work done.

所以，我走了，嘿，我要去嘗試，並得到一些工作。

And she's all, "This is a personal problem.

她說："這是個人問題。

You know, I could care less."

你知道，我可以不在乎。"

And it irks me that we're cool as a society

我很不爽，我們這個社會很冷靜。

with the saying, "I could care less."

有句話叫 "我可以不在乎"

But we've unanimously agreed

但我們一致認為

that it means we actually could not care less.

意思是我們其實根本不在乎。

One could even split the difference

甚至可以分出一部分

and use the word couldn't, but we just can't be bothered

用 "不能 "這個詞，但我們就是不忍心。

with the business of adding that one apostrophe "nt"

加上一個撇號 "nt"

and making it official.

並使之正式化。

So, like, I'm a little angry, just a little bit,

所以，喜歡，我有點生氣，只是一點點。

you know what I mean? I'm not "angry" angry.

你知道我的意思嗎？我不是 "生氣 "生氣。

But I'm a little irked.

但我有點不爽。

-Yeah. -I jump in the shower.

-是的 我跳進浴室了

You ever take a irk shower, Jimmy?

你洗過澡嗎，吉米？

-Have I ever -- Have I ever taken irked shower?

-我有沒有... 我有沒有洗過惱怒的澡？

No, I -- -It's abrasive.

不，我... ...這是磨蝕性的。

You could hurt yourself. -Uh-huh.

你會傷到自己的-嗯哼

So in my attempts to calm down, I sing a song.

所以在我試圖冷靜下來的時候，我唱了一首歌。

-Okay. -And when I sing in the shower,

-好吧 還有我在洗澡時唱歌的時候..,

I go old-school. I want some funky ad-libs.

我走老派。我想要一些時髦的廣告詞。

I come from days when singers would get fifty-eleven syllables

我來自一個歌手能唱到五十六個音節的時代。

out of like a one-syllable word. -Fifty-eleven?

就像一個單音節的單詞。-五十一？

-Yeah, yeah, but this new R&B, man, they only got two ad-libs.

-是啊，是啊，但是這個新的R&B，夥計，他們只有兩個廣告詞。

They go, "Yah. Ey.

他們去，"亞。呀。

Ey. Yah.

Ey.Yah.

Yah-yah. Ey-ey."

呀呀。Ey-ey."

It irks me. It irks me, man.

這讓我很不爽它惹惱了我，夥計。

Back in the day,

當年。

those jokers would made "Yeah" a 9-, 10-, 11-syllable word,

那些小丑會讓 "是 "成為一個9，10，11音節的詞。

talkin' 'bout,

談論'回合，

♪ Yea-ea-ea-ea-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-h ♪

Yea-ea-ea-a-a-a-a-a-a-h

Now... [ Cheers and applause ]

現在...[歡呼聲和掌聲]

...that's flavor.

...這就是味道。

Like, we should bring back words like that,

就像，我們應該把這樣的詞帶回來。

words like ♪ Wah-boh ♪

詞如華寶

We need to add more flavor. -Oh, yeah, I know "wah-boh."

我們需要添加更多的味道。 - 哦，是的，我知道 "哇波"。-哦，是的，我知道 "哇波"。

-Yeah! Come on, more funkiness. -Yeah. ♪ Wah-boh ♪

-是啊！來吧，更多的funkiness。-是啊。 樺波赫

-You ever hear that song "Get Off Your Ass and Jam"?

-你聽過那首 "離開你的屁股和果醬 "嗎？

Well, first of all, it was the profanity

嗯，首先，它是褻瀆的。

that drew me in as a kid. I was maybe 3 years old.

吸引了我作為一個孩子。我當時大概3歲。

It was genius. I'm not going to curse up here,

這是天才。我不會在這裡罵人的。

but I'll sing it in pig Latin for you.

但我會用豬的拉丁語唱給你聽。

It goes, uh...

它去，呃...

[Bleep]

[嗶]

"God am-day, get off your ass and j--"

"上帝啊，快從你的屁股上下來，然後... ..."

Well, there's no pig-Latin word for ass.

嗯，沒有豬拉丁語的屁股。

-Yeah, okay, alright, that didn't help at all.

-是的，好吧，好吧，這一點也沒有幫助。

That didn't help.

那也無濟於事。

-But then they hit you with that ♪ Wah-boh ♪

-但他們會用那句 "Wah -boh "來打你

And, oh, man, that's like the secret weapon.

而且，哦，夥計，這就像祕密武器。

That's the sauce, Jimmy. So it makes it "funky" funky.

那是醬汁，吉米。所以它使它 "時髦 "時髦。

Man, you singing some funk ad-libs in the shower,

夥計，你在洗澡的時候唱了一些放克的廣告詞。

and you can't stay mad.

你不能保持瘋狂。

So I get out happy, and I reach for a towel,

於是，我高興地出來了，我拿著毛巾。

but then I'm immediately pissed right back off into irkdom.

但我馬上就會被激怒，回到煩躁的境地。

The towel is non-absorbent.

毛巾是不吸水的。

What am I supposed to do

我應該怎麼做

with a towel that just relocates the wetness?

用毛巾，只是將溼潤的地方重新定位？

This towel, it was giving me nothing.

這條毛巾，它什麼都不給我。

So, I go, "You got one job, towel!

於是，我走了，"你有一份工作，毛巾!

The hell is your problem? Stay thirsty, man!

你到底是怎麼了？保持口渴，夥計！

Get your head in the game."

把你的腦袋放在遊戲裡。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"You know, when you were a little wash cloth,

"你知道的，當你還是個小洗衣布的時候。

I thought you had promise.

我以為你有承諾。

I watched you grow into a hand towel

我看著你長成一條手巾。

and then a full-on bath towel.

然後再配上一條完整的浴巾。

But right now, right now,

但現在，現在。

you acting like a little beach...towel

你的行為就像一個小海灘... 毛巾。

right now.

現在。

Actually, you're giving me lettuce vibes, man."

其實，你給我的是生菜的氛圍，夥計。"

That's what it was, Jimmy. Like, the towel had a heft

這就是它，吉米。喜歡，毛巾有一個重量

comparable to that of a wet leaf of lettuce.

媲美溼潤的生菜葉。

So I'm basically trying to dry off with a Caesar salad

所以我基本上是想用凱撒沙拉來擦乾水分

before I decided, you know,

在我決定之前，你知道的。

to just use a bunch of paper towels.

只是用一堆紙巾。

Needless to say, the day started on a bit of a sour note.

不用說，這一天的開始有點酸爽。

But right now, I'm great, man. So thanks for asking.

但現在，我很好，夥計。所以謝謝你的關心

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

-Wow.

-哇。

Tariq Trotter, everybody! Thank goodness.

Tariq Trotter, 各位!謝天謝地

Better now.

現在好多了