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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

    >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • GOOD TO SEE YOU.

    很高興見到你。

  • I'M APLAWGD FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT!

    我為你感到高興,因為你值得擁有!

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

    我是你的主播,史蒂芬-科爾伯特。

  • AMERICA HAS BEEN THROUGH A LOT IN THE LAST YEAR-- THE LAST

    美國在過去的一年裡經歷了很多事情--過去的一年裡

  • WEEK.

    本週。

  • WE'RE ALL STILL TRYING TO WRAP OUR MINDS AROUND THE INCIDENTS

    我們都還在嘗試著去理解事件的真相

  • IN BOLDER AND ATLANTA AND WHAT SHOULD BE DONEUIN RESPONSE TO

    在BOLDER和ATLANTA,以及應採取什麼行動來回應?

  • THIS VIOLENCE.

    這種暴力。

  • SOME ARE CALLING ON THE CONGRESS TO PASS GUN CONTROL, WHILE

    有些人呼籲國會通過槍支管制,而

  • OTHERS ARE CALLING ON THE N.R.A.

    其他人也在呼籲N.R.A.

  • TO PASS THE MONEY BUCKET, BECAUSE THE REPUBLICANS ARE

    遞上錢袋子,因為共和黨人是

  • TRYING THE SAME OLD CYNICAL TRICK OF SWITCHING THE SUBJECT

    嘗試同樣的舊的週期性伎倆,切換主題。

  • AWAY FROM GUNS OR THINGS LIKE MENTAL HEALTH, OR VIDEO GAMES

    遠離槍支或類似心理健康的東西,或視頻遊戲。

  • OR, "LOOK OVER THERE!

    或者,"看那邊!

  • IT'S A DR. SEUSS-THEMED GAY WEDDING CAKE FOR THE MARRIAGE

    It's a Dr. SEUSS-Themed GAY WEDD CAKE for the MARRIAGE.SEUSS主題的同志婚禮蛋糕,為婚姻。

  • OF PEPE LE PEW AND MR. POTATO HEAD!"

    的PEPE LE PEW和先生。洋芋頭!"

  • BUT "THE NEW YORK TIMES" LOOKED AT THE DATA AND CONCLUDED,

    但 "紐約時報 "看了數據後得出結論:

  • "WHY DOES THE U.S. HAVE SO MANY MASS SHOOTINGS?

    "為什麼美國有這麼多大規模的槍擊事件?

  • THE RESEARCH IS CLEAR: GUNS."

    研究結果是明確的:槍支。"

  • YES, WE HAVE MORE GUNS.

    是的,我們有更多的槍。

  • THAT'S WHY WE LEAD THE WORLD IN GUN VIOLENCE, SAME WAY WE HAVE

    這就是為什麼我們在槍支暴力方面引領世界,我們也是這樣做的

  • MORE MONSTER TRUCKS, WHICH IS WHY WE LEAD THE WORLD IN

    更多的怪獸卡車,這就是為什麼我們在世界範圍內領先。

  • CRUSHING PERFECTLY FINE CARS FOR NO REASON.

    毫無理由地粉碎完美的好車。

  • HOW MANY GUNS, YOU MAY ASK.

    你可以問有多少支槍?

  • THE U.S., WITH ABOUT 4.4% OF THE GLOBAL POPULATION, OWNS 42% OF

    美國佔全球人口的4.4%,卻擁有42%的市場份額。

  • THE WORLD'S GUNS.

    世界上的槍支:

  • SO IF THIS WAS A PIE CHART, WE'D HAVE ALL THE PIE.

    所以,如果這是一個餡餅圖, 我們會有所有的餡餅。

  • AND FOR THE RECORD, AMERICA DOES HAVE ALL THE PIE.

    順便說一下,美國確實擁有所有的派。

  • AND THE THING IS, THE UNITED STATES IS NOT ACTUALLY MORE

    而問題是,美國實際上並沒有更多。

  • PRONE TO CRIME THAN OTHER DEVELOPED COUNTRIES.

    比其他發達國家更容易發生犯罪。

  • IT'S JUST THAT, BECAUSE OF GUNS, CRIME BECOMES MORE LETHAL HERE.

    只是因為有了槍支,這裡的犯罪變得更加殘忍。

  • FOR EXAMPLE, A NEW YORKER IS JUST AS LIKELY TO BE ROBBED AS

    比如說,一個紐約人被搶劫的可能性就和其他紐約人一樣大。

  • A LONDONER, BUT THE NEW YORKER IS 54 TIMES MORE LIKELY TO BE

    一個倫敦人,但紐約人是54倍的可能性是。

  • KILLED IN THE PROCESS, BECAUSE IN LONDON, IT'S MOSTLY KNIFE

    在這個過程中被殺,因為在倫敦,它是致命的刀。

  • CRIME, AND OVER THERE, THEY HOLD THE KNIFE IN THE LEFT HAND.

    犯罪,而在那邊,他們左手拿著刀。

  • OUR GUN VIOLENCE IS DIFFERENT, BECAUSE WE HAVE GUNS.

    我們的槍支暴力是不同的,因為我們有槍。

  • AND UNTIL THAT CHANGES, NOTHING WILL CHANGE, AND THAT WON'T

    在改變之前,什麼都不會改變,也不會改變。

  • CHANGE UNTIL EVERYBODY VOTES.

    改變,直到每個人都投票。

  • OF COURSE, SOME PEOPLE MIGHT BE UNHAPPY HOW YOU VOTE AND TO TRY

    當然,有些人可能會對你的投票方式不滿意,並試圖

  • TO CHANGE THAT THROUGH VIOLENCE.

    通過暴力來改變這一切。

  • CASE IN POINT: FEDERAL PROSECUTORS ARE COMING DOWN ON

    案例分析:聯邦檢察官正在對其進行調查。

  • CAPITOL RIOTERS LIKE A FLAGPOLE- WIELDING MANIAC.

    CAPITOL RIOTERS LIKE A FLAGPOLE-WIELDING MANIAC。

  • AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST

    而我將在今晚的 "保守派 "節目中告訴你一切

  • ROUND-UP ROUNDUP."

    ROUND-UP ROUNDUP。"

  • >> YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO STEER CLEAR OF THESE MOO-CHEBAGS."

    >> "你要避開這些笨蛋"

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU, BESSY.

    >> 謝謝你,BESSY。

  • THE LATEST INSURRECTIONIST TO SURRENDER TO THE F.B.I. IS SARA

    最新向F.B.I.投誠的保險業者是SARA

  • CARPENTER, WHO IS A FORMER SPOKESPERSON FOR THE NEW YORK

    卡彭特,他是《紐約時報》的前發言人。

  • CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT.

    市警察局。

  • OH, SUCH A SHAME.

    哦,真丟人。

  • ALL THAT GOOD PRESS FOR THE N.Y.P.D. STRAIGHT DOWN THE

    紐約警局的所有好新聞都是直奔主題而來

  • DRAIN.

    排水。

  • ACCORDING TO PROSECUTORS, CARPENTER WAS CAPTURED ON

    根據檢察官的說法,木匠被抓獲時

  • SECURITY FOOTAGE OF THE RIOT, FESTIVELY SHAKING A TAMBOURINE

    騷亂的安全鏡頭,激烈地震撼著Tambourine。

  • INSIDE THE CAPITOL ROTUNDA.

    首都輪迴賽的內部。

  • IT WAS THE MOST FESTIVE ATTEMPTED COUP SINCE THE CZAR

    這是自CZAR以來最熱鬧的一次嘗試性合作。

  • WAS DEPOSED BY TROTSKY WITH MARACAS.

    是特羅茨基和馬拉卡斯的存款。

  • WE DON'T HAVE THE FOOTAGE YET, BUT PROSECUTORS SAY IT DEPICTS

    我們還沒拿到錄像,但檢察官說它代表了什麼?

  • CARPENTER WEARING A RED HAT, GREEN COAT, AND BLACK BOOTS AS

    戴紅帽、穿綠大衣、穿黑鞋的木匠。

  • SHE TWIRLS AROUND AND SHAKES THE TAMBOURINE.

    她轉了一圈,搖了搖坦布爾酒。

  • IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT AN ANGRY MOB IS ATTACKING YOU AT YOUR

    憤怒的暴徒在你身邊攻擊你,這已經夠糟了。

  • WORKPLACE.

    工作場所:

  • IT'S EVEN WORSE THAT ONE OF THEM IS DOING THIS:

    更糟糕的是,他們中的一個人正在這樣做。

  • STOP THE STEAL!

    停止偷竊!

  • STOP, STOP THE STEAL!

    停止,停止偷竊!

  • TREASON, TREASON!

    叛逆,叛逆!

  • TREASON, IS THE REASON!

    叛逆,就是理由!"。

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I'M SURPRISED MIKE PENCE DIDN'T

    我很驚訝邁克-彭斯沒有這樣做

  • HANG HIMSELF.

    杭自己。

  • SO...

    所以...

  • HOW DID THEY CATCH HER?

    他們怎麼抓到她的?

  • WELL, APPARENTLY, CARPENTER WAS RATTED OUT TO THE F.B.I. BY AN

    好吧,顯然,卡彭特被一個人向FBI告發了。

  • ANONYMOUS TIPSTER.

    佚名的小費。

  • AND THIS TRUE?

    這是真的嗎?

  • I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE TAPE OF THE TIPSTER.

    我被告知,我們有帶子的TIPSTER。

  • >> PLEASE, YOU HAVE TO ARREST MY NEIGHBOR.

    >> 拜託,你必須逮捕我的鄰居。

  • I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, THE JANGLING!

    我不能再忍受了,啷噹!

  • IT'S LIKE A DRUM, BUT ALSO LIKE SOMEBODY'S THROWING A BUNCH OF

    這就像一個鼓,但也像有人扔了一大堆。

  • KEYS INTO A STEEL BARREL.

    鑰匙進入一個鋼桶。

  • IT'S LIKE SOMEONE PUT A COINSTAR MACHINE INSIDE A WASHING

    就像有人在洗衣機裡放了一臺幣星機一樣

  • MACHINE.

    機器。

  • OH, GOD!

    哦,天哪!

  • SHE'S GONNA DO A SOLO.

    她要做一個獨奏。

  • COME QUICK!

    快來!

  • >> Stephen: AFTER RECEIVING THE TIP, THE F.B.I. CALLED

    >> 史蒂芬:收到線報後,F.B.I.打電話給我。

  • CARPENTER IN FOR QUESTIONING, AND LATER RECOVERED THE

    木匠在接受詢問時,後來又恢復了

  • TAMBOURINE.

    坦布林:

  • NO, LET HER GO!

    不,讓她走!

  • ARREST THE TAMBOURINE.

    逮捕坦布林。

  • SEND IT TO A SUPER-MAX PRISON!

    把它送進超級大監獄!

  • OR THROW IT INTO MOUNT DOOM!

    或者把它扔進厄運山!

  • FUN FACT-- PLUS IT'S FUN.

    有趣的事實 -- 加上它的樂趣。

  • CARPENTER ISN'T JUST AN EX-COP AND CURRENT TAMBOURINE PLAYER.

    卡彭特不僅僅是一名前科普球員和目前的坦布林球員。

  • SHE'S ALSO AN ENTREPRENEUR WHO INVENTED A SPECIAL "SOFT

    她也是一個發明了一種特殊的 "軟 "的企業家。

  • RETRACTABLE LEASH WITH A POCKET FOR WASTE BAGS."

    可回收的帶垃圾袋口袋的皮套。"

  • PRESUMABLY FOR DOGS, BUT ALSO HANDY FOR CLEANING UP AFTER HER

    專為狗狗而設,但也便於狗狗之後的清潔工作。

  • FELLOW RIOTERS.

    忠實的暴徒。

  • BECAUSE THEY POOPED IN THE CAPITOL.

    因為他們在首都拉屎了。

  • WHAT?

    什麼?

  • I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE EVERYBODY UNDERSTANDS THE

    我只是想確保每個人都能理解這一點

  • REFERENCE.

    參考資料:

  • IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

    已經有一段時間了。

  • NEXT UP-- SAL LOVES THAT.

    下一個... ... SAL喜歡這樣。

  • IS THIS MIC ON?

    這是麥克風嗎?

  • NEXT UP ON THE ROUNDUP, IT'S A SEDITIONIST ROUNDUP ROUND-UP

    下一個綜述,這是一個SEDITIONIST的綜述綜述。

  • UPDATE.

    更新:

  • YOU MAY REMEMBER RECENTLY WHEN WE PROFILED RIOTER

    你可能還記得前不久我們介紹了Rioter的情況。

  • TIMOTHY HALE-CUSANELLI, SEEN HERE CELEBRATING NEW YORK

    TIMOTHY HALE-CUSANELLI,在這裡看到的是紐約的慶祝活動。

  • FASCIST WEEK.

    法西斯周。

  • THIS WASN'T HEIL-MUSSOLINI'S FIRST BRUSH WITH THE LAW,

    這不是Heil -MUSSOLINI第一次與法律擦肩而過。

  • BECAUSE WE'VE SINCE LEARNED HE'S GOT A RAP SHEET DATING ALL THE

    因為我們已經知道他有一張和所有的人約會的說唱表。

  • WAY BACK TO 2010 WHEN HE WAS ARRESTED WITH A MAKESHIFT GUN

    早在2010年,他就帶著一把衝鋒槍被捕了。

  • BEARING THE WORDS "WHITE IS RIGHT," BECAUSE HE WAS "SHOOTING

    帶著 "白人是對的 "這句話,因為他是 "開槍"。

  • FROZEN CORN AT HOUSES IN HOWELL, NEW JERSEY."

    "在新澤西州HOWELL的房子裡的凍玉米。"

  • WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING AGES AGO, JUST BASED ON THOSE

    我們應該已經看到了這個未來幾年,只是基於這些。

  • ADS.

    ADS:

  • HEIL, HEIL, HEIL!

    嘿,嘿,嘿,嘿!

  • WHITE POWER! ♪ ( LAUGHTER ).

    白色的力量! (笑):

  • >> Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE.

    >> 史蒂芬:不可置信。

  • THERE'S SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT TODAY.

    今天有很多事情要談。

  • BUT LET'S GET TO THE BIG STORY ABOUT THE BIG PROBLEM:

    但是,讓我們來談談這個大問題的大故事。

  • THE SUEZ CANAL IS BLOCKED AFTER A GIANT CONTAINER SHIP GOT

    蘇伊士運河在一艘巨大的集裝箱船遇難後被封鎖。

  • STUCK.

    STUCK.

  • SO IT'S TIME FOR OUR FIRST-EVER, RECURRING CANAL-BASED ALERT

    所以,現在是我們有史以來第一次的、循環的、基於運河的警報的時候了。

  • SEGMENT: ♪ ♪ ♪

    部門:

  • LET'S JUMP RIGHT IN THE WATER.

    讓我們直接跳進水裡吧。

  • THERE SHE IS, THE MASSIVE GROUNDED VESSEL, THE

    她就在那裡,大型的地面飛行器。

  • "EVER GIVEN," OPERTED BY THE SHIPPING COMPANY EVERGREEN,

    "EVER GIVEN",由航運公司EVERGREEN編輯。

  • OBVIOUSLY EN ROUTE TO MAKE A VITAL DELIVERY OF LATE-MARCH

    顯然正在趕往3月下旬的重要交貨地點。

  • CHRISTMAS TREES.

    CHRISTMAS TREES.

  • THE SITUATION STARTED YESTERDAY WHEN POWERFUL WINDS FORCED THE

    這種情況從今天開始,強大的風勢逼迫了

  • SHIP AGROUND ON ONE OF THE CANAL'S BANKS, BLOCKING NEARLY

    船隻在運河的一個岸邊轉了一圈,幾乎阻斷了運河。

  • THE ENTIRE WIDTH OF THE CANAL.

    整個運河的寬度。

  • I GET IT.

    我得到它。

  • AFTER A YEAR OF QUARANTINE, NOTHING FITS ANYMORE.

    經過一年的配額,沒有什麼合適的了。

  • THEY SHOULD HAVE PUT THAT SHIP INTO THEIR STRETCHY

    他們應該把那艘船放進他們的緊身衣裡。

  • CANAL-- YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE DENIM, BUT GIVES?

    運河... 你知道,一個看起來像牛仔布,但給?

  • AND IT'S SMART ENOUGH TO GO FROM SOFA TO BRUNCH.

    而且它的智能程度足以從沙發到午餐。

  • I'LL GIVE YOU A SENSE OF HOW HUGE THESE CONTAINER SHIPS ARE,

    我會讓你感受到這些集裝箱船有多大。

  • THIS ONE IS AS LONG AS NEW YORK'S EMPIRE STATE BUILDING IS

    這一個是紐約帝國大廈的長度。

  • TALL.

    高大。

  • WELL, THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM.

    好吧,這就是你的問題。

  • YOU SHOULD HAVE SAILED IT THROUGH UPRIGHT.

    你應該把它豎著航過去的。

  • NOW, YOU LANDLUBBERS OUT THERE ONES WHO TONIGHT HAVE HATS THIS

    現在,你們這些陸戰隊員今晚要戴上帽子了。

  • NICE, PROBABLY LEARNED ABOUT THIS STORY FROM

    很好,可能是在這裡瞭解到這個故事的。

  • VARIOUS SHORE-BASED NEWS OUTLETS, BUT I'M A MAN OF THE

    各種岸上的新聞報道,但我是一個人的。

  • SEA, A SALTY DOG.

    海,一隻鹹狗。

  • SO I'VE BEEN TRACKING THIS BRINY PICKLE FROM THE MOMENT-- FROM

    所以,我一直在跟蹤這個BRINY泡菜 從那一刻起,從

  • THE MOMENT IT BEGAN, RIGHT HERE, ON MY MARINE TRAFFIC

    它開始的那一刻,就在這裡,在我的海上交通上。

  • APP.

    APP。

  • IT SHOWS YOU THE REAL-TIME LOCATION OF EVERY REGISTERED

    它向您展示每個註冊用戶的實時位置。

  • SEAFARING VESSEL ON THE PLANET.

    地球上的航海船:

  • JIMMY, THROW THIS UP ON THE SCREEN THERE.

    JIMMY,把這個扔到那邊的螢幕上。

  • BOOM!

    轟!

  • RIGHT THERE.

    就在那裡。

  • THAT IS A LIVE PICTURE OF THE "EVER GIVEN" BLOCK THE CANAL.

    這是一個活生生的圖片 "永遠給 "塊運河。

  • STATUS: STOPPED.

    狀態:停止。

  • SPEED: 0 KNOTS.

    速度:0節。

  • AND WHEN I SWIPE RIGHT...

    當我向右滑動... ...

  • OOH!

    哦!

  • WE'RE A MATCH.

    我們是一場比賽。

  • MEET ME IN THE MEDITERRANEAN.

    在地中海見我。

  • I'LL BE WEARING A TUGBOAT.

    我將穿上TUGBOAT。

  • NOW, I DID NOT IMAGINE WHEN I READ IN THE SCRIPT THAT I'D BE

    當我讀到這段話時,我沒有想象到我會...

  • WEARING A HAT THAT I'D BE WEARING IT THIS LONG.

    戴著一頂帽子,我會戴著它這麼久。

  • NO, I CAN'T TAKE IT OFF.

    不,我不能把它關閉。

  • I CAN'T TAKE IT OFF.

    我不能把它關閉。