I love you, too.

我也愛你

Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.

歡迎來到 "今夜秀"，各位。

[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah!

[歡呼聲和掌聲] 是啊！

Well, guys, after weeks of waiting,

好了，夥計們，經過幾個星期的等待，

tomorrow afternoon, at 1:15 p.m.,

明天下午1點15分。

President Biden will hold his first

拜登總統將舉行他的首次

presidential press conference.

總統新聞發佈會。

People who normally watch soaps will be like,

平時看肥皂劇的人都會喜歡。

"Who's the new beefcake on 'Young & The Restless'?"

"誰是《青春與躁動》的新牛肉餅？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, news ratings are down, so CNN asked Biden

是的，新聞收視率下降了，所以CNN問了拜登。

if he'd be willing to do the press conference

如果他願意開記者招待會的話

dressed like one of the Avengers.

穿得像復仇者聯盟的一員 dressed like one of the Avengers.

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

After being first for four years,

做了四年的第一。

I wonder how many people Biden will call on before Fox News?

我不知道拜登會在福克斯新聞之前拜訪多少人？

Be like, "Yes, you in the back

要像，"是的，你在後面。

from the Sister Ignatius Middle School Gazette."

來自《伊格納修斯中學公報》。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Biden's dealing with North Korea,

拜登在和北韓打交道

a border crisis, and a global pandemic.

邊境危機和全球大流行病。

But, of course, the first question will be,

不過，第一個問題當然會是。

"Sir, why did you fall three times going up the stairs

"先生，你上樓為什麼摔了三跤

of Air Force One? Follow up question!

空軍一號的？跟進問題!

Is Major the Dog happy to be back at the White House?"

狗少校回到白宮高興嗎？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Actually, to prove that he's fine,

其實是為了證明他沒事。

when Biden returned to the White House last night,

當拜登昨晚回到白宮時。

he jogged a couple steps on the South lawn.

他在南邊的草坪上慢跑了幾步。

I -- I think it helped. Let's see how he did.

我... 我想這有幫助讓我們來看看他是怎麼做的。

-Yeah. [ Cheers ]

-是啊。[乾杯]

That's right. That's right.

是的，是的是的，是的。

That's right. [ Laughter ]

這是對的。[笑聲]

I'm sure that'll squash all the conspiracy theories.

我相信這會粉碎所有的陰謀論。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It looked like he was gonna try to catch a bus

看起來他好像要去趕公車了。

and then thought, "Ah, you know, I'll wait for the next one."

然後想，"啊，你知道的，我會等下一個。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Some news from overseas. Well, here's something

一些來自海外的消息。嗯，這裡有一些

I didn't expect to be talking about.

沒想到是在說。

A massive cargo ship got spun around

一艘巨大的貨船被打轉了

and stuck in the Suez Canal, blocking more than 100 ships.

並卡在蘇伊士運河中，阻擋了100多艘船。

Look at this thing. It's giant.

看看這個東西。它是巨大的。

Look at that. [ Laughs ]

你看那個。[笑]

If you look closely, the ship has a tiny bumper sticker

如果你仔細看，這艘船有一個小小的保險槓貼紙。

that says "Student driver." So, I mean...

上面寫著 "學生司機"所以，我的意思是...

-Oh, come on. [ Laughter ]

-哦，來吧。[笑聲]

-Traffic is backed up for miles,

-交通堵塞了好幾英里。

and hundreds of ships are delayed.

和數百艘船被延誤。

Do you know how stressful it is to parallel park

你知道併線停車的壓力有多大嗎？

when there's someone behind you?

當有一個人在你身後？

Imagine blocking a whole hemisphere.

想象一下，封鎖了整個半球。

You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]

你知道我在說什麼嗎？[笑聲]

Yeah, that's a tough day for that captain.

是啊，今天對那個隊長來說是個艱難的日子。

Right now, he's trending worldwide on Twitter

現在，他在推特上成為全球熱門話題

as #DockBlocker. [ Laughter ]

作為#DockBlocker。[笑聲]

Listen to this -- I read that Pfizer has begun

聽聽這個... 我讀到輝瑞公司已經開始...

testing an oral anti-viral drug for COVID.

測試一種口服抗病毒藥物治療COVID。

Man, if they can just put the medicine

夥計，如果他們能把藥

into a chicken sandwich,

成雞肉三明治。

America will flatten the curve by Friday.

美國將在週五前平息曲線。

[ Cheers and applause ] By Friday!

[歡呼聲和掌聲] 週五！

Trust me!

相信我！

Imagine if this oral drug has to be refrigerated.

試想一下，如果這種口服藥物必須冷藏。

Pfizer's gonna be like,

輝瑞會像。

"Have fun swallowing a minus-80-degree ice marble."

"祝你吞下一顆零下80度的冰彈珠"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, researchers in Mexico have invented a new mask.

同時，墨西哥的研究人員還發明瞭一種新的面具。

Higgins, you'll be very excited about this.

希金斯，你會很興奮的。

-I can't wait to hear about it. -Now look at this.

-我等不及要聽你說了.-現在看看這個

They invented a new mask over in Mexico.

他們在墨西哥發明了一種新的面具。

They claim it reduces the risk of infection

他們聲稱這可以減少感染的風險

while eating or talking.

吃飯或說話時。

-Oh. -Take a look at this.

-哦-看看這個

-There you go.

-給你

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-What? -What?

-什麼？

-What are you talking about? -Dog nose?

-你在說什麼？-狗鼻子？

-What are you talking about, man?

-你在說什麼，夥計？

That's it, right there. That solves it.

就是這樣，就在那裡。這就解決了。

-It makes sense. -It's got to reduce the risk

-這是有道理的-它必須減少風險

by at least 50%. -Yeah.

至少50%。-是的

Sure, man. -Sure. Absolutely.

當然，夥計-當然可以，當然可以

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I have a feeling whatever's going that way

我有一種感覺，不管是往那邊走還是往那邊走

is probably coming this way, as well.

可能也是這樣過來的。

But whatever.

但不管怎樣。

I mean, it looks like a nose thong.

我的意思是，它看起來像一個鼻子丁字褲。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Nose diaper. -The most interesting part is,

-鼻子尿布-最有趣的部分是：

underneath that is two even tinier masks over each nostril.

下面是兩個更小的口罩，套在每個鼻孔上。

-Wow! [ Laughter ]

-哇！[笑聲]

-Right now, the CDC is calling it groundbreaking

-現在，疾病預防控制中心稱它為突破性事件

and wildly ineffective. [ Laughter ]

和瘋狂的無效。[笑聲]

Some business news. I saw that Southwest Airlines

一些商業新聞。我看到西南航空

is doing away with social distancing.

是在做社交的疏導。

It has decided to return

它已決定返回

to its pre-pandemic boarding procedures.

疫情發生前的登機程序。

-Ooh. -I think the real story here is

-我想真正的故事是...

that Southwest is claiming that they have boarding procedures.

西南地區聲稱他們有登機程序。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

If you don't remember Southwest's old

如果你不記得西南航空的老字號

boarding procedure, it's basically this.

登機程序，基本上是這樣的。

-And here we go! -There you go. See?

-我們走吧！-好了.看到了嗎？

"Oh, I'm in section -- No --"

"哦，我在... 不..."

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

"Now seating the D section." "No, I'm D!"

"現在坐D區。""不，我是D區的！"

"No, I'm sorry, A first, then D."

"不，對不起，先選A，再選D。"

Speaking of air travel, we mentioned this last month.

說到航空旅行，我們上個月就提到過。

We got thousands of letters.

我們收到了幾千封信。

[ Chuckles ] Did we?

[笑]是嗎？

[ Laughter ] -Why not? Why not?

[笑] 為什麼不呢？為什麼不呢？

-I don't believe that. But we got thousands of letters.

-我不相信但我們收到了幾千封信

-Thousands, man. -People still write letters.

-成千上萬的人，夥計-人們還在寫信

-We got hundred and thousands of letters.

-我們收到了幾十萬封信

-That's correct. We got thousands of letters

-是的我們收到了幾千封信

asking us to talk about it again, apparently.

要求我們再次談論它，顯然。

-Oh, good, good. -Because the Philadelphia

-哦，好，好-因為費城

airport has a robot. Do you remember this?

機場有一個機器人。你還記得這個嗎？

-Yeah. -It delivers food to travelers.

-是的，它把食物送到旅行者的手中

But actually, the way it works is, it's a robot,

但實際上，它的工作方式是，它是一個機器人。

and then someone who works there,

然後在那裡工作的人。

and the robot follows the person who works there.

和機器人跟隨在那裡工作的人。

And then, that person -- the robot follows them,

然後，那個人... ...機器人跟著他們。

then, whoever's eating the food has to go in the robot

然後，誰在吃的食物 必須在機器人中

and get their sandwich, at the robot.

並得到他們的三明治，在機器人。

-That sounds efficient. [ Laughter ]

-這聽起來很有效率。[笑聲]

-Or they could just have the human bring the sandwich

-或者他們可以直接讓人類把三明治送過來

over to the people. Yeah, this much.

過的人。對，就這麼多。

-You don't want hands on your hoagie.

-你不會想讓你的手碰到你的烤肉餅吧？

So, you know, the robot -- -Hey, don't talk dirty!

所以，你知道，機器人... - 嘿，不要說髒話！

[ Laughter ] -No, he didn't mean that.

不，他不是那個意思。

No, no. -What happened?

不，不 怎麼了？

I left, and now it's a filth show?

我走了，現在又成了汙穢之秀？

-No, in Philadelphia, that means a sandwich.

-不，在費城，這意味著一個三明治。

-Yeah. You don't want hands on your hero.

-是的你不希望你的英雄被人動手。

-Yeah, you know what? -Hey!

-是的，你知道嗎？

-Hey, Higgins. No, hey.

-嘿，希金斯嗨，希金斯 - 不，嗨

-Filthy! -Yeah, no, no,

-骯髒！-是的，不，不

he doesn't mean that type of hero.

他不是指那種英雄。

He means a sandwich. -Oh, okay.

他是說三明治-哦，好吧

-It keeps paws off your po' boy.

-它可以讓你的爪子遠離你的孩子。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Okay. All right.

-好的好吧，好吧

-It's all getting -- -I've had enough of innuendos.

-我已經受夠了含沙射影了.

-How does your sandwich get made?

-你的三明治是怎麼做出來的？

How does your sandwich get made?

你的三明治是怎麼做出來的？

-I mean, safely, you know, in a facility by other robots.

-我的意思是，安全地，你知道，在其他機器人的設施中。

-We can't just --

-我們不能只是...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Can't you just get your sandwich there,

你就不能在那裡買個三明治嗎？

and you handle it, your sandwich?

你處理它，你的三明治？

-I think, you know, they're trying to cut down risk, man.

-我想，你知道，他們是想降低風險，夥計。

Come on. [ Laughter ]

來吧。[笑聲]

We do what we can, man. -Or you do too much.

我們已經盡力了，夥計-或者你做的太多了

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Anyways, it delivers food to travelers.

總之，它給旅客送飯。

But now, get this.

但現在，得到這個。

This is what the Philadelphia airport is doing now.

這就是費城機場現在的做法。

They're asking for name suggestions...

他們在徵求名字建議... ...

-Oh, no. -...for the robot.

-哦，不，是給機器人的。

Just watch this. -Ah.

看這個吧-啊

-The food delivery robot... -That's the thing.

-送餐機器人...-這就是問題所在

-...at Philadelphia International Airport

-...在費城國際機場。

needs a name, and the airport wants your help.

需要一個名字，而機場需要你的幫助。

Travelers can come up with a list of names,

旅行者可以拿出一份名單來。

and the airport will narrow them down.

而機場會縮小他們的範圍。

There will then be a contest to pick the name.

屆時會有一個比賽來取名。

-This is such a bad idea.

-這真是個壞主意

You're gonna let Philly choose the name?

你要讓菲利選擇名字？

-Yes! -Perfect.

-是的！

Well, congratulations.

那麼，恭喜你。

Say hello to R2-D-Bag, everybody.

大家跟R2 -D -Bag打個招呼吧。

[ Laughter ] You win! No, you win!

[笑] 你贏了！不，你贏了！

You're right. You're right.

你說得對，你說得對 You're right.你是對的，你是對的

Let them choose.

讓他們選擇。

The robot's working now, but next month, a Phillies fan

機器人現在還能用，但下個月，一個費城人隊的球迷。

will hurl that thing at a Mets outfielder.

會把那東西扔向大都會隊的外野手。

Just trust me. Watch.

相信我吧看好了

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Grunts ] -Boo!

[咕嚕聲] -噓！

-Yeah, exactly. Uh, listen to this.

-是的，沒錯是的，沒錯。 呃，聽這個。

Wedding retailer David's Bridal. You guys know David's Bridal?

婚紗零售商David's Bridal。你們知道David's Bridal嗎？

Well, they're saying that weddings are coming back,

好吧，他們說，婚禮要回來了。

but they're taking on a more casual tone.

但他們的語氣比較隨意。

Yeah. It was only a matter of time

是啊，這只是時間問題

before people were like, "Wait. Is spending 5 grand on a dress

在人們還沒有 "等等，花五千塊錢買件衣服 "的時候

you only wear once stupid?" [ Laughter ]

你只穿一次愚蠢的？"[笑聲]

"It is?" [ Laughter ]

"是嗎？"[笑聲]

It's getting so casual, David's Bridal is keeping

越來越隨意了，David's Bridal保持著。

all their dresses in bins like it's T.J.Maxx.

他們所有的衣服在垃圾箱裡，就像它的T. J. Maxx。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"You looking for a dress? Yeah, no problem.

"你要找一件衣服嗎？好啊，沒問題。

We have -- this whole bin is small to extra large."

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"We don't put it in size. It's just in that pile."

"我們不把它放在大小。就放在那堆東西里。"

Well, now, guys, everyone is keeping a close eye

好了，現在，夥計們，每個人都在密切關注。

on their brackets ahead of next week's Final Four,

在下週的四強賽前，他們的比賽名單上。

but we thought it'd be fun to pick a different kind

但我們認為選擇一種不同的方式會很有趣。

of Final Four. That's right.

的四強賽。是的 That's right.

It's time for a "News Flub Final Four."

是時候來一場 "新聞失誤四強賽 "了。

Here we go.

我們走吧

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

♪♪

♪♪

-Okay. Let's look at our picks here.

-好吧讓我們看看我們的選擇。

Oh, there they are. Our top four news flubs.

哦，他們在那裡。我們的四大新聞失誤。

First, we have a reporter

首先，我們有一個記者

who runs into some issues with her microphone.

她的麥克風遇到了一些問題。

Let's see how it goes.

讓我們看看它是如何發展的。

-Annette Lawless is live on the scene,

安奈特-勞利斯在現場直播。

tracking down new information. Good morning, Annette.

追蹤新資訊早上好，安妮特。

[ Low, robotic voice ] That's right, Gloria.

是的 Gloria.

Those fire crews are still out here right now.

那些消防隊員現在還在外面。

[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

[笑聲，歡呼聲，掌聲]

-It's the Philly robot. Yeah.

-是那個費城機器人是啊，是啊

-No, yeah. I watch her all --

-不，是的。我看著她所有的 --

She's on SNN, Satanic News Network.

她在SNN，撒旦新聞網。

Yeah, I've seen her before. [ Laughter ]

是啊，我以前見過她。[笑聲]

"Honey, you have a great voice for broadcasting."

"親愛的，你的廣播嗓子真好聽。"

-"Thank you." -"Thank you."

-"謝謝你"-"謝謝你"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"The followers of Satan thank you."

"撒旦的追隨者感謝你。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Let's get back to the board here.

讓我們回到董事會這裡。

This next clip, a news anchor in Virginia

接下來這個片段，是弗吉尼亞州的一個新聞主播。

realizes he's made an unfortunate mistake.

意識到自己犯了一個不幸的錯誤。

Take a look at this.

看看這個。

-Check you're the panties. About 175,000 rice --

-檢查你的內褲。約175,000米 --

I think that was supposed to be "pantries."

我想那應該是 "儲藏室"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-I couldn't warn you before I saw it.

-在我看到它之前，我不能警告你。

[ Laughter ] -"Check your panties!"

[笑聲] - "檢查你的內褲！"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Rice. [ Laughter ]

-瑞斯。[笑聲]

-Let's look at another clip here.

-讓我們看看另一個片段。

This next one is a BBC anchor,

接下來這個是BBC的主播。

and he's about to start the news broadcast.

他要開始新聞廣播了。

But, man, he struggles to find his spot.

但是，夥計，他努力尋找自己的位置。

Take a look at this.

看看這個。

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh. [ Laughter ]

-哦。[笑聲]

-Yeah.

-是的

No.

不知道

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Hello, and welcome.

-你好，歡迎。

-Yeah! [ Applause ]

-是啊！[掌聲]

Stuck the landing. -Nailed it.

穩穩地降落了-釘住了

-Stuck the landing. [ Laughter ]

-斯圖克登陸。[笑聲]

"What? All right. What?"

"什麼？好吧，什麼？什麼？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Hello, and welcome." It's like...

"你好，歡迎光臨"這就像...

Well, here's our last pick here.

好了，這是我們最後的選擇了。

This clip is about a man who had some trouble with Zoom.

這個片段講的是一個人和Zoom發生了一些麻煩。

I'm sure you saw it. Take a look at this.

我想你一定看到了。看看這個。

-A Texas lawyer proves that technical difficulties

-德州律師證明，技術難題

can happen even at the worst of times.

即使在最糟糕的時候也會發生。

-Can you hear me, Judge? -I can hear you.