TO "A LATE SHOW."

到 "晚間秀"。

I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

我是你的主持人STEPHEN COLBERT。

FOLKS, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

夥計們，我很高興你們在這裡。

GLAD EVERYWHEREY'S HERE, TOO.

很高興EVERYWHEREY在這裡，太。

YESTERDAY WAS ANOTHER GRIM DAY FOR AMERICA WHEN A GUNMAN WALKED

今天是美國又一個嚴峻的日子，一名槍手走了。

INTO A BOULDER, COLORADO, SUPERMARKET AND KILLED TEN

進入一個布羅德，科羅拉多州，超級市場，並殺死了十個人。

PEOPLE, INCLUDING A POLICE OFFICER.

人，包括一名警察。

IT'S UNSPEAKABLY TRAGIC, AND I CANNOT IMAGINE FOR A MOMENT THE

它是難以言喻的悲劇，我無法想象的時刻

GRIEF OF THESE FAMILIES AND THIS COMMUNITY CAN BE APPROACHED

這些家庭和這個社區的悲哀可以得到解決。

WITH WORDS ALONE.

僅僅用文字。

THE ONLY SUITABLE WAY TO HONOR THESE VICTIMS IS WITH ACTION.

紀念這些受害者的唯一合適的方式是行動。

BUT OUR GOVERNMENT CONTINUES TO DO NOTHING.

但我們的政府仍然無所作為。

NOW, DUE, APPARENTLY, TO PANDEMIC SHUTDOWNS, IT HAD BEEN

現在，由於，顯然，對PANDEMIC關閉，它已經被

A YEAR SINCE THERE HAD BEEN A LARGE-SCALE SHOOTING IN A PUBLIC

一年前，在公共場所發生了大規模的槍擊事件。

PLACE.

場所：

NOW WE'VE HAD TWO IN A WEEK: BOULDER AND ATLANTA.

現在，我們已經有兩個在一週內， 布爾德和亞特蘭大。波爾德和亞特蘭大

EVIDENTLY, THE ONLY SOLUTION FOR AMERICA'S GUN VIOLENCE IS

事實證明，解決美國槍支暴力的唯一辦法就是

PUTTING ALL OF US UNDER HOUSE ARREST.

把所有的人都關在房子裡。

THE RESPONSES FROM GUN APOLOGISTS HAVE BEEN

槍支道歉者的迴應是："我是一個很好的人。

PREDICTABLE.

可預知。

THE COLORADO STATE SHOOTING ASSOCIATION RELEASED THIS

美國科羅拉多州射擊協會發布了這一消息。

STATEMENT: "THERE WILL BE A TIME FOR THE

聲明："將有一個時間，讓我們來討論這個問題。

DEBATE ON GUN LAWS.

關於槍支法的辯論：

THERE WILL BE A TIME FOR A CONVERSATION ON HOW THIS COULD

將會有一個時間來討論這個問題如何解決。

HAVE BEEN PREVENTED.

已被預防。

BUT TODAY IS NOT THE TIME."

但今天不是時候。"

WHY NOT?

為什麼不呢？

THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY EVERY TIME THIS HAPPENS, AND THAT'S WHAT I

每次發生這種事，他們都會這麼說，我也是這麼做的。

SAY ABOUT WHAT THEY SAY EVERY TIME THEY SAY IT EVERY TIME IT

他們每次都說什麼，每次都說什麼。

HAPPENS.

發生。

EVEN THE IDEA OF BEING IN A "GROUNDHOG DAY" SITUATION IS

甚至是在 "土撥鼠日 "的情況下的想法是。

ITSELF A "GROUNDHOG DAY" SITUATION.

這本身就是一個 "土撥鼠日 "的情況。

REMEMBER, EINSTEIN SAID, "THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING

記住，愛因斯坦說過："精神錯亂的定義是做。

THE SAME THING AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS.

同樣的事情，卻期待著不同的結果。

ALSO, SAME DAY GUN PURCHASES.

還有，當天購買槍支。

WHOSE STUPID IDEA WAS THAT?

這是誰的餿主意？

THANKS 'EINSTEIN.'" ANOTHER GUN FETISHIST WEIGHING

謝謝'愛因斯坦'"另一個槍支迷信家權衡。

IN ON THE TRAGEDY IS COLORADO REPRESENTATIVE AND H.R.

科羅拉多州議員和H.R.在悲劇中。

SUPERVISOR FOR JOHN WICK, LAUREN BOEBERT.

約翰-威克的監事，勞倫-博貝特。

LAST NIGHT, BOEBERT TWEETED, "WHILE WE ARE STILL AWAITING

昨晚，BOEBERT在推特上說："當我們還在等待的時候。

IMPORTANT INFORMATION AND DETAILS IN THIS CASE, RANDOM

本案的重要資訊和細節，隨機。

PUBLIC SHOOTINGS AND SENSELESS ACTS OF VIOLENCE ARE NEVER

公開槍擊和無謂的暴力行動絕不是 "無謂的暴力"。

OKAY."

OKAY。"

WHERE DOES SHE FIND THE COURAGE?

她哪裡來的勇氣？

"SENSELESS ACTS OF VIOLENCE ARE NEVER OKAY," IMPLYING, OF

"無謂的暴力行為是絕對不行的"，這意味著：

COURSE, THAT INTENTIONAL VIOLENCE IS FINE.

當然，那故意的暴力是好的。

YOU KNOW, THE KIND HER BUDDIES PLAN ON PARLER.

你知道的，她的朋友們計劃在PARLER的那種。

OH, SPEAKING OF CAPITOL HILL, THERE WAS A SENATE HEARING ON

哦，說到國會山，有一個參議院聽證會，關於：

GUN VIOLENCE ALREADY SCHEDULED FOR TODAY, AND REPUBLICANS KNOW

槍支暴力事件已經安排在今天，而共和黨人知道。

THE MAJORITY OF VOTERS WANT SOME FORM OF GUN CONTROL.

大多數選民都希望有某種形式的槍支管制。

SO THEY IMMEDIATELY TRIED TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

所以他們立即嘗試改變主題。

CASE IN POINT, LOUISIANA SENATOR JOHN KENNEDY, WHO

案例：路易斯安那州參議員約翰-肯尼迪，世衛組織

OFFERED THIS DOLLOP OF DISTRACTION:

提供了這個DOLLOP的DISTRACTION。

>> I DO THINK WE OUGHT TO KEEP THIS IN PERSPECTIVE.

>> 我覺得我們應該把這個問題看清楚。

WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE LAST FEW DAYS, IN THE LAST YEARS IS,

過去幾天、過去幾年發生的事情是：

OF COURSE, TRAGIC.

當然，悲劇性的。

AND I'M NOT-- I'M NOT TRYING TO PERFECTLY EQUATE THESE TWO, BUT

我不是... ... 我不是想完美地等價於這兩個，但。

WE HAVE A LOT OF DRUNK DRIVERS IN AMERICA THAT KILL A LOT OF

我們有很多酒後駕車的美國人，殺了很多人。

PEOPLE.

人。

WE OUGHT TO TRY TO COMBAT THAT TOO.

我們也應該嘗試著與之抗衡。

>> STEPHEN: I'LL TAKE THAT DEAL!

>> 我會接受這個交易！

LET'S REGULATE GUNS THE WAY WE REGULATE ALCOHOL AND CARS!

讓我們像管制酒精和汽車一樣管制槍支！

GOT TO BE 21, GOT TO PASS A TEST TO GET A LICENSE, GOT TO HAVE A

必須年滿21歲，必須通過考試才能拿到駕照，必須有一個。

REGISTRATION AND INSURANCE.

登記和保險：

IF YOU MOVE TO A NEW STATE, YOU GOT TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN, AND

如果你搬到一個新的州，你就得重新做一遍，而且...

YOU CAN'T GO OUT LOADED.

你不能出去加載。

LATER, SENATOR KENNEDY SPUN A DIFFERENT LINE OF FOLKSY B.S.

後來，肯尼迪參議員又說了一句不同的民間廢話。

>> I DON'T BELIEVE WE HAVE A GUN CONTROL PROBLEM IN AMERICA.

>> 我不相信我們在美國有槍支管制問題。

I BELIEVE WE HAVE AN IDIOT CONTROL PROBLEM.

我相信我們有一個白痴控制的問題。

>> Stephen: OH, WE DEFINITELY HAVE AN IDIOT CONTROL PROBLEM.

>> 斯蒂芬：哦，我們肯定有一個白痴控制的問題。

IT'S PEOPLE WHO DON'T RECOGNIZE THAT THIS COUNTRY HAS LONG HAD A

這是人們誰不承認，這個國家長期以來有一個。

GUN PROBLEM, "JOHN KENNEDY."

槍支問題，"約翰-肯尼迪"。

SO, WHEN IDIOTS LIKE JOHN KENNEDY REFUSE TO DO ANYTHING

所以，當像約翰-肯尼迪這樣的白痴拒絕做任何事情的時候

ABOUT GETTING RID OF IDIOTS' GUNS, IT'S CLEARLY TIME TO GET

關於擺脫白痴的槍支，現在顯然是時候了。

RID OF JOHN KENNEDY.

擺脫約翰-肯尼迪。

AND THAT MEANS VOTING THEM OUT.

這意味著要把他們投出去。

OF COURSE, A LOT OF OTHER IDIOTS OUT THERE HAVE TRIED TO

當然，許多其他的白痴在那裡已經嘗試了

UNDERMINE YOUR FAITH IN VOTING, LIKE THE EX-PRESIDENT'S

破壞你的投票信念，就像總統一樣。

EX-LAWYER AND "HUNGER GAMES" SOCCER MOM, SIDNEY POWELL.

前LAWYER和 "飢餓遊戲 "足球媽媽，SIDNEY POWELL。

AFTER BIDEN WON THE ELECTION, POWELL WENT AROUND LYING THAT

在比登贏得選舉後，鮑威爾到處撒謊說：

DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS, A COMPANY THAT MAKES ELECTION

多明尼克投票系統，一家制造選舉的公司。

EQUIPMENT, WORKED WITH DEMOCRATS TO RIG ITS MACHINES TO ENSURE A

裝備，與民主黨人合作，調整我的機器，以確保一個。

WIN FOR JOE.

贏了喬。

IN RESPONSE, DOMINION FILED A $1.3 BILLION DEFAMATION LAWSUIT

作為迴應，DOMINION提出了13億美元的誹謗訴訟。

AGAINST HER.

反對她。

BILLION-DOLLAR.

十億美金。

THAT'S NOT GOOD.

這不是很好。

AS THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LAWYER, HER STRONG SUIT IS

作為前總統的律師，她的強項是......。

CLEARLY NOT "WINNING IN COURT."

顯然不是 "法庭上的勝利"。

BUT POWELL IS DEFENDING HERSELF, IN THE DUMBEST WAY POSSIBLE,

但鮑威爾在為自己辯護，用最愚蠢的方式可能。

ARGUING THAT HER LAWSUIT SHOULD BE TOSSED BECAUSE "NO

爭辯說她的訴訟應該被駁回，因為 "沒有"。

REASONABLE PERSON" WOULD BELIEVE HER CLAIMS.

合理的人 "會相信她的說法。

IN A WAY, SHE'S RIGHT.

在某種程度上，她是對的。

NO REASONABLE PERSON COULD HAVE BELIEVED HER ELECTION-RIGGING

任何合理的人都不會相信她的選舉操縱行為。

NONSENSE.

NONSENSE。

WHICH IS WHY SHE SPENT SO MUCH TIME WITH NO REASONABLE PERSON.

這就是為什麼她花了這麼多時間 與沒有合理的人。

TO GET OUT OF PAYING A BILLION DOLLARS, POWELL'S LAWYERS HAVE

為了不支付10億美金，POWELL的律師們不得不：

ALSO CLAIMED THAT HER CONSPIRACY RANTS WERE JUST "OPINIONS AND

還聲稱，她的陰謀論言論只是 "意見和。

LEGAL THEORIES" AND NOT STATEMENTS THAT THE PUBLIC WOULD

法律理論"，而不是公眾願意看到的聲明。

IMMEDIATELY BELIEVE.

立即相信。

YES, I REMEMBER THEM NOT BELIEVING YOU.

是的，我記得他們不相信你。

WHAT WERE THEY CHANTING ON JANUARY 6?

他們在1月6日喊的是什麼？

>> SIDNEY POWELL'S THEORIES!

>> SIDNEY POWELL的理論!

ARE WORTH INVESTIGATING!

值得調查！

NOT THAT WE TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY!

並不是說我們要認真對待它們！

ON AN UNRELATED NOTE!

在一個無關緊要的問題上！

HANG MIKE PENCE!

懸掛邁克-彭斯！

>> STEPHEN: SPEAKING OF PEOPLE UNDERMINING DEMOCRACY,

>> 說到破壞民主的人。

POSTMASTER GENERAL AND BAD GUY IN A KIDS MOVIE THREATENING TO

在一部兒童電影中，偽將軍和壞蛋威脅到了我們的生活。

TURN THE SKATE PARK INTO A CAR DEALERSHIP, LOUIS DEJOY.

把滑板場變成汽車經銷商，路易斯-德約。

EVER SINCE BEING CHOSEN TO HEAD THE POSTAL SERVICE, DEJOY HAS

自從被選為郵政部門的負責人後，快樂就一直存在。

CHOSEN TO DESTROY THE POSTAL SERVICE.

選擇破壞郵政服務。

DURING THE PAST ELECTION CYCLE, DEJOY, WHO IS AN ALLY OF THE

在過去的選舉週期中，DEJOY是誰的盟友？

FORMER PRESIDENT, MADE CHANGES TO THE POSTAL SERVICE THAT MADE

前任主席對郵政服務進行了修改，使之成為一個新的服務項目。

IT A LOT HARDER TO DO MAIL-IN VOTING.

郵寄投票要難得多。

IT WAS SO EGREGIOUS THAT, JUST BEFORE THE ELECTION, A FEDERAL

它是如此的可怕，就在選舉前，一個聯邦的

JUDGE BLOCKED HIS POLICY CHANGES, CALLING THEM "VOTER

法官阻止他的政策變化，稱其為 "選民"。

DISENFRANCHISEMENT," BECAUSE OF HOW BADLY DEJOY HAD SLOWED MAIL

由於憂鬱症嚴重拖累了郵遞速度，"脫離"。

DELIVERY.

送貨：

YOU KNOW YOU'RE DOING A BAD JOB WHEN YOU MANAGE TO SLOW

當你設法放慢腳步時，你就知道你做得不好。

SOMETHING WE ALREADY CALL SNAIL MAIL.

我們已經叫它 "郵件 "了。

UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE KIND OF STUCK WITH THIS GUY.

不幸的是，我們是有點被這個傢伙給纏住了。

PRESIDENT BIDEN CAN'T JUST FIRE HIM, BECAUSE HE'S NOT

比登主席不能只解僱他，因為他不是。

TECHNICALLY A POLITICAL APPOINTEE.

技術上是政治任命。

AND DEJOY HAS NO PLANS TO MAIL HIMSELF A PINK SLIP, AS HE

而DEJOY並不打算給自己寄一張粉紅色的單據，因為他... ...

RECENTLY TOLD CONGRESS: >> HOW MUCH LONGER ARE YOU

最近告訴國會。>> 你還要多久？

PLANNING TO STAY?

打算留下來？

>> A LONG TIME.

>>很長一段時間。

GET USED TO ME.

習慣了我。

>> STEPHEN: SO, HE'S BASICALLY LIKE HERPES THAT LOSES YOUR

>> 所以，他基本上就像HERPES一樣，失去了你。

PACKAGES.

包裝：

AND OUR POSTAL SYSTEM COULD GET WORSE.

而我們的郵政系統可能會變得更糟。

IN FACT, DEJOY HAS UNVEILED A TEN-YEAR PLAN THAT INCLUDES

事實上，DEJOY已經公佈了一個為期十年的計劃，其中包括

HIGHER POSTAGE RATES, SLOWER SERVICES AND REDUCED POST OFFICE

較高的郵資、較慢的服務和較低的郵局費用。

HOURS.

小時。

THOUGH HE HAS INTRODUCED ONE-DAY PACKAGE DELIVERY, IN THAT YOUR

雖然他已經推出了一天的包裝交付，在您的。

PACKAGE WILL BE DELIVERED "ONE DAY."

包裹將在 "一天 "內送達。

SWITCHING TO LIGHTER NEWS, THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC. ACCORDING

轉向光明的新聞，全球大恐慌。據

TO A NEW STUDY, SINCE THE CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN BEGAN,

到一個新的研究，自從冠狀病毒鎖定開始。

AMERICANS HAVE GAINED AN AVERAGE OF NEARLY TWO POUNDS A MONTH.

美國人平均每月增加了近兩磅的體重。

AND ONE COMPANY THAT ISN'T HELPING IS KRISPY KREME, BECAUSE

有一家公司沒有提供幫助，那就是KRISPY KREME。

THEY JUST ANNOUNCED THAT, IN ORDER TO ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO GET

他們剛剛宣佈，為了鼓勵人們去獲得。

THEIR COVID SHOTS, THEY WILL BE GIVING FREE DOUGHNUTS TO ANYONE

他們的COVID鏡頭，他們將提供免費的甜甜圈給任何人。

WITH PROOF OF VACCINATION.

有疫苗接種的證明。

THIS OFFER PERFECTLY SUMS UP AMERICANS' PRIORITIES.

此優惠完美地體現了美國人的優先權。

"LIFE-SAVING MEDICINE?

"救命藥"？

WAIT, THERE ARE DONUTS?

等等，還有甜甜圈？

OUT OF THE WAY, GRANDPA!

別擋路，爺爺！

I HAVE A PREEXISTING CONDITION OF NOT HAVING A DONUT IN MY

我有一個既存的條件，我的身體裡沒有甜甜圈。

MOUTH!" I COULD GO FOR ONE.

嘴！"我可以去一個。

OH, GOD, YES.

哦，上帝，是的。

>> YOU HAVE TO HAVE COFFEE.

>> 你必須有咖啡。

>> Stephen: I'LL HAVE YOURS THEN.

>> 史蒂芬：那我也要你的。

KRISPY KREME SAYS THAT FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR, VACCINATED

KRISPY KREME說，在今年剩下的時間裡，打了疫苗的

INDIVIDUALS CAN GO BACK EVERY SINGLE DAY AND CONTINUE GETTING

個人可以每天都回去，繼續獲得以下服務

FREE DOUGHNUTS.

免費的甜甜圈。

THERE'S THE INEQUITY INHERENT IN OUR SYSTEM.

這就是我們系統中固有的不公平。

OUR SOCIETY IS NOW BROKEN UP INTO TWO GROUPS: UNVACCINATED

我們的社團現在抽成了兩組。未受感染的

PEOPLE HIDING IN THEIR HOMES FOR FEAR OF INFECTING THE ELDERLY,

人們因為害怕傳染給老人而躲在家裡。

AND INVINCIBLE GODS, BESTRIDING THE WORLD WITH UNLIMITED FRIED

和不朽的神，用無限制的自由征服世界

DOUGH.

DOUGH.

WHILE WE'RE ON BREAKFAST, I'VE -- DONUTS FOR BREAKFAST, RIGHT?

當我們在早餐，我已經 - 甜甜圈的早餐，對不對？

OH, ABSOLUTELY.

哦，絕對的。

>> Stephen: NOW WE'RE ON SOME BAD NEWS, UNFORTUNATELY, FOR

>> 史蒂芬: 現在我們迎來了一些壞消息，不幸的是，對於... ...

SUGARY CEREAL LOVERS THIS WEEK, BECAUSE

本週喜歡吃巧克力的人，因為

A TWITTER USER REVEALED THAT HE FOUND SHRIMP TAILS IN HIS

一位微博用戶透露，他在家中發現了蝦尾。

CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH.

肉桂麵包脆餅。

HOW COULD ANY PART OF A SHRIMP GET MIXED UP WITH CINNAMON TOAST

鮮蝦的任何部分怎麼會和肉桂麵包混在一起呢？

CRUNCH?

CRUNCH？

DID I MISS A SEASON OF "DEADLIEST CATCH?"

我錯過了一季的 "最致命一擊 "嗎？

FIRST OF ALL, SHRIMP TAILS DO NOT BELONG IN BREAKFAST CEREAL.

首先，蝦尾不應該放在早餐餅裡。

SECOND OF ALL, SHRIMP TAILS DO NOT BELONG ON SHRIMP.

第二，蝦尾不屬於蝦。

THEY ARE HARD, THEY'RE SHARP, AND THEY DO NOT TASTE GOOD.

它們很硬，很鋒利，而且味道不好。

I DON'T WANT THEM IN MY PASTA DISH ANYMORE THAN I WANT HOOVES

我不想讓它們出現在我的意大利麵盤裡 就像我想要蹄子一樣

ON MY BURGER.

在我的漢堡上

CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH DENIES PUTTING SHRIMP TAILS INTO THEIR

肉桂麵包脆餅否認在麵包裡放蝦尾。

PRODUCT, EXPLAINING, "AFTER FURTHER INVESTIGATION WITH OUR

產品，解釋說："在與我們的進一步調查後，我們將對產品進行調查。

TEAM THAT CLOSELY EXAMINED THE IMAGE, IT APPEARS TO BE AN

仔細檢查該影像的小組，它似乎是一個。

ACCUMULATION OF THE CINNAMON SUGAR THAT SOMETIMES CAN OCCUR

有時會發生肉桂糖的積聚。

WHEN INGREDIENTS AREN'T THOROUGHLY BLENDED.

當原料沒有充分混合時：

WE ASSURE YOU THAT THERE'S NO POSSIBILITY OF CROSS

我們向你保證，絕對不會發生交叉感染。

CONTAMINATION WITH SHRIMP."

用蝦米汙染。"

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, C.T.C.?

你在說什麼，C. T. C. ?

THOSE ARE CLEARLY SHRIMP TAILS!

這些顯然是蝦尾！

THIS IS LIKE THE LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN SAYING:

這就像幸運符LEPRECHAUN說的。

(IRISH ACCENT) "AFTER FURTHER INVESTIGATION,

(愛爾蘭口音) "經過進一步的調查。

WE'VE DETERMINED ME LUCKY CHARMS DO NOT CONTAIN MOONS, STARS AND

我們已經確定我的幸運吊墜不包含月亮、星星和。

CLOVERS.

外衣：

LOTS OF SHRIMP, THOUGH."

很多蝦，但。"

THEN, THIS AFTERNOON, CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH DOUBLED DOWN ON

然後，這個下午，肉桂麵包脆餅雙倍地減少了。

THEIR DENIAL, TWEETING, "WHILE WE ARE STILL INVESTIGATING THIS

他們的否認，在推特上寫道："當我們還在調查這個。

MATTER, WE CAN SAY WITH CONFIDENCE THAT THIS DID NOT

事，我們可以肯定地說，這並沒有。

OCCUR AT OUR FACILITY.

發生在我們的工廠。

WE ARE WAITING FOR THE CONSUMER TO SEND US THE PACKAGE TO

我們正在等待消費者將包裹寄給我們。

INVESTIGATE FURTHER."

再調查一下。"

YES, THEY NEED THE CONSUMER TO SEND IN THE PACKAGE SO THEIR

是的，他們需要消費者提交的包裝，所以他們的。

EXPERTS CAN ANALYZE IT IN THEIR C.S.I. LAB, WHICH OF COURSE

專家們可以在他們的C.S.I.實驗室分析它，這當然

STANDS FOR CEREAL SHRIMP INVESTIGATION.

STANDS FOR CEREAL SHRIMP INVESTIGATION.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

我們已經為你準備了一個很棒的節目，今晚。

I'LL BE TALKING TO DANA CARVEY ♪♪♪

我會和DANA CARVEY說話的。