Welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!

歡迎，歡迎來到 "今夜秀"!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

This is exciting.

這是令人興奮的。

Michelle Obama is on the show tonight!

米歇爾-奧巴馬今晚上節目了！

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Yep, she'll be talking about eating healthy

是的，她會說到健康飲食的問題。

while I work through last night's

在我處理昨晚的

double corned-beef sandwich on rye.

雙份醃牛肉三明治在黑麥上。

Let's get to the news.

讓我們來看看新聞。

Well, guys, the drama between

好了，夥計們，之間的戲劇

President Biden and Vladimir Putin continues.

拜登總統和弗拉基米爾-普京繼續。

A day after Biden called Putin a killer,

拜登稱普京為殺手後的一天。

Putin responded by saying, "It takes one to know one."

普京迴應說："知己知彼才能百戰不殆"。

-Sheesh! -This is fun.

-天啊！-這很有趣

As if the pandemic wasn't enough,

彷彿這場大流行還不夠。

let's throw in tension with a "nuclear enemy" into the mix.

讓我們把與 "核敵人 "的緊張關係加進去。

Why not?

為什麼不呢？

Don't worry. Biden isn't scared by this.

別擔心拜登不會是以而害怕

Just to be safe, he skipped wearing underwear today

為了安全起見，他今天不穿內褲了。

just in case they were poisoned.

以防他們被毒死。

Yep, these guys are really going at it.

是的，這些傢伙是真的要去。

But keep in mind, it could also be just

但請記住，它也可能只是。

a marketing stunt for Sunglass Hut.

是Sunglass Hut的營銷噱頭。

Just saying. Just think about it.

只是說說而已。好好想想吧。

The Kremlin also weighed in and called Biden's comments

克里姆林宮也發表了看法，稱拜登的言論是

about Putin "very bad" and demanded

關於普京 "非常糟糕"，並要求。

an explanation or an apology.

解釋或道歉；

Then Biden was like, "Well, which one do you want?

然後拜登就說："好吧，你想要哪一個？

Explanation or apology?"

解釋還是道歉？"

Yep, the Kremlin demanded that Biden explain himself,

是的，克里姆林宮要求拜登解釋自己。

which will backfire when they realize

當他們意識到這一點時，會適得其反

every Biden explanation takes at least three hours.

拜登的每一次解釋都至少需要三個小時。

"I know a Russian guy named Igor.

"我認識一個叫伊戈爾的俄羅斯人。

We used to call him Scooter

我們以前都叫他Scooter

'cause he had a bicycle with no pedals.

因為他有一輛沒有踏板的自行車。

He would scoot his way to school."

他將滑行到學校的路上。"

Wow! But things didn't stop there,

哇！但事情並沒有就此停止。

because later today, Putin invited Biden to have

因為今天晚些時候，普京邀請拜登去參加

a public live-streamed chat either tomorrow or Monday.

明天或週一的公開直播哈拉。

Somehow, we went from, "It takes a killer to know a killer" to

不知怎的，我們從 "殺人者才能認識殺人者 "變成了...

"You free for Zoom happy hour later?

"待會兒你有空去Zoom快樂時光嗎？

Just saying, it could be fun. Just a couple palsies."

只是說，可能會很有趣。只是幾個調色板。"

Yep, it's a busy time for Biden.

沒錯，這段時間拜登很忙。

Today, his administration announced

今天，他的政府宣佈

that they are sending millions of AstraZeneca vaccine doses

他們正在發送數以百萬計的阿斯利康疫苗劑量。

to Canada and Mexico.

加拿大和墨西哥。

That's nice.

這很好。

We're giving them the one vaccine

我們要給他們注射一種疫苗

that isn't approved in the U.S.

在美國不被準許的。

It's like telling a houseguest, "Hey, if you're hungry,

這就像告訴房客，"嘿，如果你餓了。

there's a frozen Lean Cuisine from 1989 in the garage.

車庫裡有一個1989年的冷凍瘦肉精。

Don't touch our food.

不要碰我們的食物。

Go at it. Go at it with that lasagna."

去吧。用那個千層餅去吧。"

Here's some more big news out of our nation's capital.

下面是我們國家首都的一些大新聞。

As of this week, magic mushrooms

截至本週，魔芋

are now decriminalized in Washington, D.C.

在華盛頓特區，現在已經不再是犯罪行為。

-What?! [ Laughter ]

-什麼？[笑聲]

-You can already see a difference with some lawmakers.

-你已經可以看到一些立法者的不同。

Take a look at how they were behaving

看看他們的表現吧

before and after the 'shrooms kicked in.

之前和之後的'蘑菇踢英寸

Watch this.

看這個。

-Let's pass this bill!

-讓我們通過這個法案！

The brain is an amazing organ.

大腦是一個神奇的器官。

-How critical it is that we do something about COVID.

-我們對COVID採取行動是多麼的重要。

Go smoke some dope and you will enjoy life so much more.

去抽點毒品吧，你會更享受生活的。

-Fear has become an all-too-prevalent quality.

-恐懼已經成為一種非常普遍的品質。

This is, of course, a picture of

當然，這是一張圖片的

former president Ronald Reagan.

前總統羅納德・里根

And actually firing a machine gun

而且實際上是在開機槍

while riding on the back of a dinosaur.

而騎在恐龍的背上。

-Wait. That's real?

-等等，這是真的嗎？等等，這是真的嗎？

What?! -Some sports news.

什麼？-一些體育新聞。

Well, everyone is pumped for this.

好吧，大家都為之振奮。

It is March Madness! That's right.

這是瘋狂三月！沒錯 That's right.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Everyone is doing their office pools.

大家都在做自己的辦公池。

Of course, this year, that means

當然，今年，這意味著

it's you against your wife, your 2-year-old, and your dog.

這是你對你的妻子， 你的2歲，和你的狗。

"Rusty, you picked Gonzaga, too?"

"拉斯蒂，你也選了岡薩加？"

And this is cool -- fans will be allowed in the arenas,

而這很酷 -- 粉絲將被允許進入場館。

but capacity will be limited.

但能力會受到限制。

So to add some extra excitement,

所以為了增加一些額外的刺激。

CBS is making the sneaker squeaks 50% louder.

CBS要把球鞋的吱吱聲放大50%。

[ Sneakers squeaking ]

[運動鞋吱吱作響]

"And there's pass from Jennings.

"還有詹寧斯的傳球。

Oh, he's got the easy lay-up.

哦，他很容易上籃。

Jennings has got the easy lay-up!

詹寧斯輕鬆上籃得手!

Oh, rejected out of the..."

哦，被拒之門外......"

[ Squeaking stops ] -Wait.

[尖叫聲停止] 等待。

[ Sneakers squeaking ]

[運動鞋吱吱作響]

"There is a pass over to Okanuba.

"有一個通往奧卡努巴的通道。

Okanuba passes back to Jennings!

奧卡努巴回傳給詹寧斯!

He's down in the paint and he's..."

他在油漆中倒下了，他..."

[ Squeaking stops ]

[尖叫聲停止]

[ Sneakers squeaking ]

[運動鞋吱吱作響]

No, don't play it -- I can't. I'm out of breath.

不，不要玩... ... 我不能。我喘不過氣來了 I'm out of breath.

-Please, please.

-拜託，拜託

-Well, this is great, though.

-嗯，這是偉大的，雖然。

Do you guys remember Sister Jean?

你們還記得珍姐嗎？

She was the nun who was the biggest fan of

她是那個最喜歡的修女

Loyola Chicago basketball team?

芝加哥洛約拉籃球隊？

-Oh, yeah. -Yeah.

-哦，是的-是的

Well, her school is back in the tournament,

好吧，她的學校又回到了比賽中。

and at 101 years old, she's been cleared to attend the game.

而在101歲的時候，她已經被準許參加比賽了。

[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.

[歡呼聲和掌聲] 是啊。

I love Sister Jean.

我喜歡珍姐。

She's Loyola's most beloved fan

她是洛約拉最愛的粉絲。

and their most unforgiving bookie.

以及他們最不留情面的莊家。

You thought a ruler was bad. She walks around with a pipe.

你認為一把尺子是壞的。她拿著菸斗走來走去。

"Contributions a little light this week."

"本週繳費有點少。"

When asked how it felt to be allowed to attend,

當被問及被允許參加的感受時。

Sister Jean said she was "#Blessed."

娟姐說她是 "#幸運的"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Sister Jean, yeah.

珍姐，是的。

The team loves Sister Jean.

隊友們都很喜歡珍姐。

Before tip-off, she always has

在小費之前，她總是有

the same uplifting message --

同樣振奮人心的資訊 -- --

"Have fun out there and don't be afraid to stuff a fool,

"在外面玩得開心點，別怕塞個傻子。

you freshman bitch."

你這個大一的婊子。"

What?

什麼？

That's just...

這只是...

And, finally, this is pretty wild.

最後，這是很狂野的。

A man in New York was just convicted

紐約一名男子剛剛被定罪

of a very unusual crime.

一個非常不尋常的罪行。

Watch this.

看這個。

-A man in New York was convicted of illegal trafficking

-紐約一名男子因非法販賣人口被判刑。

after keeping live sharks in a pool at his home

在他家的游泳池裡養了活鯊魚後

and offering them for sale on the Internet.

並在互聯網上提供銷售。

-Even the sharks were like, "Ugh, an aboveground pool?"

-連鯊魚都說："唉，地上的游泳池？"

Right now, Vladimir Putin is trying to set up the meeting

現在，弗拉基米爾-普京正試圖安排這次會議。

with Biden directly over that tank.

與拜登直接在那輛坦克上。

[ Russian accent ] Just take two more steps closer.

再走兩步就到了。

The Wi-Fi is better there."

那裡的無線網絡比較好。"

[ Buzzer ] Alright.

[蜂鳴器] 好吧。