Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!

歡迎，歡迎，歡迎，歡迎來到 "今夜秀"!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Well, guys, the big story today

好了，夥計們，今天的大新聞

is that following this week's Supreme Court ruling,

是，在本週最高法院的裁決之後。

Trump was forced to turn over

特朗普被迫交出

millions of pages of his tax records

數百萬頁的納稅記錄

to the Manhattan District Attorney's Office.

到曼哈頓地區檢察官辦公室。

Millions of pages, yeah.

數百萬頁，是的。

The only place you'll find more ink

你唯一能找到更多墨水的地方

is Rudy Giuliani's sideburns.

是魯迪-朱利安尼的鬢角。

I feel bad for whoever's second in line

誰排在第二位，我就為誰感到難過。

to use the copier in that office.

在該辦公室使用複印機。

Like, "Uh, how long you going to be?"

就像，"呃，你要去多久？"

Like, "Oh, shouldn't be -- There's only like 100,000 more.

就像，"哦，不應該是... ... 只有像10萬多。

Double sided, so maybe go get a frappuccino and come back."

雙面，所以也許去喝杯咖啡再回來。"

But this really is big news because after they thoroughly

但這確實是個大新聞，因為在他們徹底的

go through each document,

查看每份文件。

Trump could be charged around the year 3000.

特朗普可能在3000年左右被起訴。

You can tell that they're Trump's real tax returns because

你可以看出這是特朗普的真實納稅申報單，因為...

under total loss, he still didn't declare the election.

在全軍覆沒的情況下，他還是沒有宣佈選舉。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

We're having a good time.

我們有一個很好的時間。

Speaking of Trump, President Biden's been in an office

說到特朗普，拜登總統一直在辦公室裡。

just over a month, and people have noticed

一個多月，人們已經注意到

that he never calls Trump by name.

他從來沒有叫過特朗普的名字。

He'll call him "the former guy"

他會叫他 "以前的那個人"

or mention "the previous administration."

或提及 "上屆政府"。

I mean, he's even called him things like --

我的意思是，他甚至叫他的東西，如 -

-Oh, here we go.

-哦，我們走吧

-Tariq? What's up? -Let me guess.

-塔裡克？什麼事？-讓我猜猜看

Now you're going to do a silly bit where you list a bunch

現在你要做一個愚蠢的位 在那裡你列舉了一堆

of funny "nicknames" that Biden called Trump.

的有趣 "綽號"，拜登稱特朗普。

-I mean, yeah, that was -- that was the plan.

-我的意思是，是的，那是... ... 那是計劃。

-And each joke will pop up as a graphic

-每個笑話都會以圖形的形式出現

so everyone can see it and "laugh" about it.

好讓大家看到，並 "一笑了之"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Right, right. Jokes work better

-對，對對，對。

when there's a visual component, sure.

當有一個視覺組件，當然。

-It's all so predictable.

-這一切都太容易預測了

Like, the graphic will be a photo of Biden and Trump,

就像，圖形將是拜登和特朗普的照片。

and then under Trump, you'll list names like

然後在特朗普下面，你會列出一些名字，如

LL Coup J...

LL Coup J...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

...or One Term-inator...

...或一個任期結束者... ...。

-Uh-huh.

-嗯哼

-...or, uh, Don Jr. Sr.

-或者，呃，小唐老。

Or, uh, Princess Impeached.

或者，呃，公主被彈劾。

Or something like "only guy on Myspace right now."

或者類似 "現在Myspace上唯一的男人 "之類的。

And then you'll close with something

然後你會用一些東西來結束

a little more risqué like... YMCA-Hole.

更多一點的淫蕩喜歡... ...YMCA -Hole.

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Is --

是 --

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

Is that how this is gonna go?

這就是我們要去的地方嗎？

-Yeah, you -- you nailed it.

-是的，你... ... 你做到了。

-Yeah, seems like a fun bit. You should do it.

-是啊，似乎是一個有趣的位。你應該做的。

-Great. Well, we'll do it tomorrow.

-很好好吧，我們明天再做

-Can't wait.

-等不及了

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

-Well, this is crazy.

-好吧，這太瘋狂了

On a recent flight from Cincinnati to Phoenix,

在最近一次從辛辛那提飛往鳳凰城的班機上。

a pilot noticed something strange in the air.

一個飛行員注意到了空氣中的一些奇怪的東西。

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-An American Airlines pilot radios in

-一位美國航空公司的飛行員對講機

a mid-flight close encounter with an apparent UFO.

在飛行中與明顯的UFO親密接觸。

-That's right. It could be a possible UFO.

-沒錯這可能是一個可能的UFO。

Yeah, aliens were looking for intelligent life,

是啊，外星人在尋找智慧生命。

and they didn't find any on an American Airlines flight

他們在美國航空公司的班機上沒有找到任何東西。

during a pandemic.

在大流行期間。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

I love UFO sightings. It's like...

我喜歡UFO目擊事件。這就像...

"That could be an alien! Or a Domino's delivery drone."

"那可能是個外星人!或者是多米諾的送貨無人機。"

When they heard, United was like, "Sorry. Our bad.

當他們聽說後，美聯航就說："對不起。我們的壞。

That was our plane. The wings just fell off."

那是我們的飛機。機翼就這麼掉了。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Hey, listen to this. The CDC just found out

嘿，聽這個。疾控中心剛剛發現

that gyms with maskless users

有無面具用戶的健身房

are considered to be high-risk for the spread of COVID.

被認為是COVID傳播的高風險。

Yep, the report also found that people running

是的，報告還發現，人們在運行

on the train tracks are more likely to get hit by a subway.

在火車軌道上更容易被地鐵撞到。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

Americans are like, "Really? 'Cause I was about to go

美國人都說，"真的嗎？"因為我正要去

to Planet Fitness and lick the elliptical!

到Planet Fitness去舔橢圓機!

Is that okay?

可以嗎？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I use the bicycle seat as a face mask!

我把自行車座當做面膜!

Is that okay?!

可以嗎？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I found this towel! Can I eat it?!

我找到了這條毛巾！我可以吃嗎？

Is that okay?! Can I eat the towel?!"

可以嗎？我可以吃毛巾嗎?"!

Get sued by Brian Regan.

被Brian Regan起訴

Yeah, the CDC says people must wear masks

是啊，疾控中心說人們必須戴口罩。

and put at least 20% more effort

並投入至少20%以上的精力

into pretending to wipe down the machines.

成假裝擦拭機器。

That's right. Gyms with maskless users

沒錯，就是這樣。無面具用戶的健身房

are at high-risk for spread of COVID.

是COVID傳播的高危人群；

And they're not the only risky places. Watch this.

而且他們並不是唯一的風險場所。看好了

-Well, new this morning, CDC researchers say masks

-今天早上，疾控中心的研究人員說，掩蓋了

may be key particularly

尤為關鍵

to stopping the spread of COVID-19 at gyms.

阻止COVID-19在健身房的傳播。

Masks are also key in stopping the spread of COVID

口罩也是阻止COVID傳播的關鍵。

at the following places.

在下列地點：

-Oh, come on, now!

-哦，來吧，現在！

Fyre Festival 2?

菲爾節2?

I got tickets to that!

我買到票了！

"Hot breath" competition! That's...

"熱氣騰騰 "的比賽！那是...那是...

Some entertainment news.

一些娛樂新聞。

In a three-hour event yesterday, Paramount Plus revealed

在昨天的三個小時的活動中，派拉蒙Plus透露了

all the content that will be available

的所有內容，將可

on the new streaming service next month.

在下個月的新流媒體服務上。

People are already calling it the best streaming service

人們已經稱它為最好的流媒體服務

next to Netflix, Hulu, Apple TV, HBO Max, Disney Plus,

旁邊有Netflix、Hulu、Apple TV、HBO Max、Disney Plus。

Discovery Plus, ESPN Plus, Amazon, and Peacock.

Discovery Plus、ESPN Plus、亞馬遜和孔雀。

Soon people are going to be searching

很快人們就會搜索

through 20 streaming platforms and go,

通過20個流媒體平臺和去。

"I wish they'd invent something where you could find

"我希望他們能發明一些東西，在那裡你可以找到...

all these shows in one place, and they should call it cable."

所有這些節目在一個地方， 他們應該叫它有線電視。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But the big Paramount Plus show that everyone's talking about

但大家都在談論的派拉蒙加的大戲。

is the "Frasier" reboot with Kelsey Grammer.

是 "Frasier "重啟與凱爾西-格拉默。

Yep, they want to attract young viewers,

是的，他們想吸引年輕觀眾。

so, naturally, they rebooted a show

所以，很自然地，他們重新啟動了一個節目

about a 70-year-old therapist.

關於一個70歲的治療師。

I wonder if Kelsey Grammer's agent was like...

我想知道凱爾西-格拉默的經紀人是否像...

-[ Fingers snap ] -"I got it!

-[手指彈出]-"我知道了!

You could be Frasier again."

你可以再做一次Frasier。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Morty, you son of a bitch.

"莫蒂，你這個王八蛋。

You did it again."

你又來了。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Listen to this. Hasbro is trying to be

聽聽這個孩之寶想成為

more inclusive by dropping the "Mister"

去掉 "先生 "的稱呼，更具包容性

from its Mr. Potato Head brand name.

從其洋芋頭先生品牌名稱。

Yep, it's just going to be called Potato Head.

是的，它只是要叫洋芋頭。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure Tucker Carlson

我沒查過，但我很確定塔克-卡爾森... ...

has spent the last 12 hours foaming at the mouth.

在過去的12小時裡，他口吐白沫。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

By the way, if the new Potato Head kneels during the anthem,

對了，如果新任洋芋頭在國歌期間下跪。

every person on Fox News is going to explode.

福克斯新聞的每個人都要爆炸。

That's just the way...

這只是方式...

Meanwhile, conservatives are already striking back

與此同時，保守派已經開始反擊了。

by releasing a Slinky with a penis.

通過釋放一個帶陰莖的斯林基。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

Some news from overseas in England.

一些來自英國海外的消息。

There are reports of counterfeit wine bottles.

有報道稱，有假酒瓶。

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-Cheap-wine lovers are the target of a scam.

-廉價葡萄酒愛好者是一個騙局的目標。

Someone is mass-producing counterfeit Yellow Tail wine.

有人大量生產假冒黃尾酒。

-Victims report that the color and that taste were off.

-受害者報告說，顏色和味道都不對。

The maker of Yellow Tail wines

黃尾巴酒的製造者

confirmed that the bottles were indeed rip-offs.

證實了這些瓶子確實是騙人的。

-Who's counterfeiting Yellow Tail?

-誰在假冒黃尾巴？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

The Yellow Tail people were like, "We're so upset here,

黃尾巴的人就說："我們這裡很不爽。

because we know our wine is far superior

因為我們知道我們的酒遠勝於其他的酒

thanks to our 30-minute aging process."

由於我們30分鐘的老化過程。"

-[ Laughter ] -Get this.

-拿著這個。

In Washington, a high-school band is practicing

在華盛頓，一個高中樂隊正在練習。

in pop-up tents in an effort to prevent the spread of COVID.

在彈出式帳篷中，以防止COVID的傳播。

Yeah. Practicing is easy. The hard part is marching.

練功很容易練習很容易。困難的部分是行進。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Parents at the concert will be like,

演唱會上的家長會像。

"That's mine. Green tent number 24."

"那是我的，24號綠色帳篷。24號綠色帳篷。"

I'm sure the kids are just happy to play.

我相信孩子們玩的開心就好。

Can we see another picture? Whoa.

我們能再看一張照片嗎？哇。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

The only kid who's got it worst is the cellist.

唯一最慘的孩子是大提琴手。

It's like... -We need those.

我們需要這些東西。

-Yeah, right. -Can we have those?

-是的，沒錯-可以給我們這些嗎？

-Yeah. You guys -- Get the band together?

-是啊，你們...你們... ... 把樂隊聚在一起？

-Please, please? Yeah. Yeah.

-拜託，拜託？求你了，求你了？好的，好的

-Uh, asked why he decided to do it, the music teacher said...

-問他為什麼決定這麼做，音樂老師說... ...

"Because it's funny."

"因為這很有趣。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And, finally, we're all bored during the pandemic,

最後，在大流行期間，我們都很無聊。

but check out what this Colorado woman saw

但看看這個科羅拉多州的女人看到了什麼

two guys doing in the snow last week.

兩個傢伙上週在雪地裡做。

-Woman: Geez.

-女人天啊

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-One of the guys was like, "Join me,

-其中一個傢伙說，"加入我吧。

and together we can rule Beaver Creek, Colorado."

我們可以一起統治科羅拉多州的比弗溪。"

C-3PO was like, "I'm detecting signs of virginity."

C-3PO說："我檢測到了處女的跡象。"