Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

歡迎來到 "今夜秀"。

Thank you very much.

非常感謝你。

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

I don't know about you guys,

我不知道你們的情況。

but I am stuffed with wings and nachos

但我被雞翅和玉米片塞滿了。

from my impeachment trial party, and --

從我的彈劾審判方，和 -

[ Laughter, applause ]

[笑聲，掌聲]

Yeah, of course, the big story today

是啊，當然，今天的大新聞

is that Trump's second impeachment trial

是特朗普的第二次彈劾審判嗎？

has finally begun.

終於開始了。

That's right, two impeachments are historic,

沒錯，兩次彈劾是歷史性的。

but just like Tom Brady, Trump won't rest

但就像湯姆-布雷迪一樣，特朗普不會罷休。

until he gets to seven.

直到他到七歲。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right.

是的

Seriously, I can't believe we're talking about Trump again.

說真的，我不敢相信我們又在談論特朗普。

Even herpes knows when to take a break once in a while.

即使是皰疹也知道什麼時候該偶爾休息一下。

I mean, just --

我的意思是，只是 -

But tonight, everybody's talking about

但今晚，大家都在談論

one of Trump's lawyers, Bruce Castor.

特朗普的律師之一，布魯斯-卡斯特。

He kicked off Trump's defense

他拉開了特朗普辯護的序幕

and never really got to the point.

卻從來沒有真正進入正題。

But this is real.

但這是真實的。

Check this guy out.

看看這個傢伙。

-My name is Bruce Castor.

-我叫Bruce Castor.

When I was growing up in suburban Philadelphia...

當我在費城郊區長大的時候... ...

Here's little Bruce -- 8, 9, 10 years old --

這是小布魯斯 -- 8、9、10歲 -- --

listening to this back in the late '60s.

聽著這回在60年代末。

We still know what records are, right?

我們還知道什麼是記錄吧？

On the thing you put the needle down on, and you play it.

在你把針放下去的東西上，你就可以玩了。

You ever heard Everett Dirksen's voice,

你聽過Everett Dirksen的聲音嗎？

it's the most commanding, gravelly voice.

這是最有號召力的，沙礫般的聲音。

"Gallant Men" is the name of the --

"Gallant Men "的名字是... ...

of the, uh...

的，呃...

of the album.

的專輯。

-[ Groans ] -[ Laughs ]

-[呻吟] -[笑]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Even Joe Biden was like, "Come on, man.

連喬-拜登都說："別這樣，夥計。

Wrap it up."

把它包起來。"

If the Senate had an orchestra pit,

如果元老院有一個管絃樂隊的坑。

they'd be playing him off like...

他們會把他玩弄於股掌之間... ...

♪ Neh-deh-la-dah-dee-dee-dee ♪

# Neh-deh-la-dah-dee-dee-dee #

"Get on out of here."

"快離開這裡。"

Oh, gosh. Given who his boss is,

哦，天哪。鑑於他的老闆是誰

I'm pretty sure that that was

我很確定那是

his opening and closing statement.

他的開幕詞和閉幕詞。

[ Imitates Trump ] "You're fired."

[模仿特朗普]"你被解僱了。"

[ Normal voice ] Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani

與此同時，魯迪-朱利安尼... ...

was watching like, "Damn, this guy's good."

是看著像， "該死的，這傢伙的好。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, he started talking this afternoon

是的，他今天下午開始說話

and should be done around

並應圍繞

the fourth hour of the "Today" show tomorrow.

明天 "今日 "節目的第四個小時。

Man, could that guy possibly waste any more of our time?

夥計，那個傢伙還能浪費我們的時間嗎？

[ Bottle crinkles ]

[瓶子起皺]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Imitates bottle crinkling ]

[模仿瓶子起皺]

A little crinkle crunch.

一點點皺皺巴巴的脆皮。

He -- [ Laughs ]

他 -- [笑]

He crunched it out a little bit.

他把它一點點地碾碎了。

Alex, can we play that one more time

亞歷克斯，我們可以再玩一次嗎？

just so I can hear that water bottle crinkle?

只是為了讓我能聽到那個水瓶的脆響？

[ Bottle crinkles softly ]

[瓶子輕輕皺起]

[ Bottle crinkles loudly ]

[瓶皺大聲]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

He's having fun, man.

他玩得很開心，夥計。

Come on.

來吧。

Well, guys, I think it's safe to say,

好了，夥計們，我想可以說。

no one wants to relive the events

誰也不想重蹈覆轍

of last month's insurrection,

的上個月的叛亂。

but it has led to some interesting flubs.

但這也導致了一些有趣的失誤。

Here, I'll show you what I mean. Listen to this.

在這裡，我會告訴你我的意思。聽聽這個

-Donald John Trump incited the erection --

唐納德-約翰-特朗普煽動勃起 -- -- --

insurrection.

叛亂；

-Does the President of the United States believe

-美國總統是否相信：

that former president Trump incited an erect--

前總統特朗普煽動了一個直立的 --

excuse me, incited an insurrection?

對不起，煽動起義？

-Who has been impeached for inciting the erection.

-因煽動勃起而被彈劾的人。

-He did incite an erection on the Capitol.

-他確實在國會大廈煽動了一次勃起。

-If I have to embrace someone who just incited an erectio--

-如果我必須擁抱一個剛剛煽動了勃起的人... ...

an insurrection--

叛亂

[ Laughing ] Oh, my.

[笑]哦，我的。

-Hey. -Wow.

-嘿

[ Chuckles ] -Wow.

[笑]哇。

[ Drumsticks tapping ]

[鼓槌敲擊]

-Well, President Biden and Vice President Harris

-好吧，拜登總統和哈里斯副總統。

met with the CEOs of Lowe's, The Gap,

會見了Lowe's、The Gap的CEO。

Walmart, and JPMorgan

沃爾瑪和摩根大通

to discuss the President's stimulus plan.

來討論總統的經濟刺激計劃。

There was an awkward moment when the CEO of Walmart

有一個尷尬的時刻，當沃爾瑪的CEO。

walked up to Biden and said, "Hey, I know you.

走到拜登面前說："嘿，我認識你。

You're one of our greeters."

你是我們的迎賓員之一。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

They would have invited the CEO of Old Navy,

他們會邀請老海軍的CEO。

but they were afraid it would lead to Biden

但他們害怕這會導致拜登

telling another long story.

又講了一個很長的故事。

[ Imitating Biden ] "The Old Navy used to be called The Boat Squad.

[模仿拜登]"老海軍以前叫船隊。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It was led by Dicky Kimblewad.

它是由迪克-金布爾瓦德上司的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

He had one arm and three nipples."

他有一隻胳膊和三個乳頭。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Normal voice ] Well, last night, there was another episode

好吧，昨晚，又有一集了

of "The Bachelor," and things got pretty intense.

的 "單身漢"，事情變得相當激烈。

And the emotions on that show

而這個節目中的情感

can be a little hard to handle sometimes,

有時會有點難辦。

so we thought we could help.

所以我們認為我們可以幫助。

Here's a clip from the episode,

下面是這一集的片段。

but re-voiced with the least emotional person we know --

但重新用我們所知道的最沒有感情的人說話 --

Siri.

Siri

This is "Let's Get Siri-ous."

這是 "讓我們得到Siri-ous。"

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Man: [ Whispers ] Let's get Siri-ous.

我們去找Siri吧。

-Weak bitches lie.

-軟弱的母狗在說謊

-You know what a weak bitch does?

-你知道一個軟弱的婊子會做什麼嗎？

They tear down other people to make themselves look better.

他們撕毀別人，讓自己看起來更好。

That's what you did.

這就是你所做的。

Hold on.

等一下

I need to fluff my hair.

我需要蓬鬆的頭髮。

I forgot who I am for a second.

我一時忘了自己是誰。

♪♪

♪♪

I had a weak-bitch moment, but I'm back.

我有一個軟弱的婊子時刻，但我回來了。

[ Laughter, applause ]

[笑聲，掌聲]

-Wow.

-哇。

[ Laughing ]

[笑]

Oh, she came back. Oh, my gosh.

哦，她回來了。哦，我的天哪。

Hey, get this -- a pair of Nike sneakers

嘿，得到這個 - 一雙耐克運動鞋。

designed for former president Obama

為奧巴馬設計

are going on sale for $25,000.

正在以25000美元的價格出售。

Huh.

咦。

No offense, but those look like the perfect complement

無意冒犯，但這些看起來是完美的補充。

to Obama's dad jeans.

到奧巴馬的爸爸牛仔褲。

I'm just saying.

我只是說說而已。

If the Obama sneakers are too expensive,

如果奧巴馬的運動鞋太貴。

for 50 bucks, you can buy a pair of SKECHERS Shape-Ups

50塊錢，你可以買一雙SKECHERS Shape-Ups。

designed for Joe Biden, so it's up to you.

為喬-拜登設計的，所以由你決定。

I had no idea Nike did this for presidents.

我不知道耐克為總統們做了這個。

Apparently, they made the same sneaker for Trump

顯然，他們為特朗普做了同樣的運動鞋。

but with a built-in ankle monitor.

但內置腳踝監測器。

It's pretty cool.

這是非常酷的。

[ Audience groans ]

[觀眾呻吟]

Interesting to see. It's just --

有趣的是，看到。這只是...

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

Well, this is going viral.

好吧，這是怎麼回事病毒。

Down in Texas, a judge was holding a virtual hearing,

在德克薩斯州，一個法官正在舉行一個虛擬的聽證會。

and one of the lawyers had some trouble

和一個律師有一些問題

with a Zoom filter.

帶變焦濾鏡。

This is real.

這是真實的。

Check this out.

看看這個。

-John, I believe you have a filter turned on

-約翰，我相信你已經打開了過濾器

in the video settings.

在視頻設置中。

-Yes, and I don't know how to remove it.

-是的，我也不知道怎麼去除它。

One of our assistants was just trying to...

我們的一個助手只是想... ...

I'm here live. I'm not a cat.

我在這裡直播。我不是一隻貓。

-[ Laughs ] Aw.

-[笑] 噢。

What?

什麼？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

What?

什麼？

I'm glad he cleared that up.

我很高興他澄清了這一點。

"I am not a cat, okay?"

"我不是貓，好嗎？"

The courtroom sketch artist was like,

法庭上的素描師就像。

"Ugh, didn't think I'd be drawing whiskers today,

"唉，沒想到今天還能畫出鬍鬚來。

but, hey, what can you do?"

但是，嘿，你能做什麼？"

Yeah, when he saw that, Trump was like...

是啊，當他看到這個，特朗普就像... ...

[ Imitates Trump ] "I want that guy."

[模仿特朗普]"我要那個傢伙。"

[ Normal voice ] It got weird when the filter disappeared

濾鏡消失的時候很奇怪

and the lawyer was licking himself.

和律師在舔自己。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Get this -- a company has created

聽聽這個--一家公司已經創建了

a new laptop prototype with seven screens.

一款新的筆記本電腦原型機，有七塊螢幕。

Take a look at this thing.

看看這個東西。

I can't wait to be on a plane

我等不及要上飛機了。

when some guy in the middle seat opens that up.

當一些人在中間的座位打開了。

[ Laughs ] "You mind if I use the armrests, dude?

[笑]"你介意我用扶手嗎，夥計?

[ Grunts ] Check all my screens there.

[咕嚕聲] 檢查我所有的螢幕有。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Gotta make sure my Grindr's up.

必須確保我的Grindr的起來。

The Twitter is on the --

推特上的...

Gotta make sure that..."

要確保......"

You're not that important, buddy.

你沒那麼重要，夥計

It's all good.

這一切都很好。

And, finally, after dashing across the Australian freeway

最後，在衝過澳洲的高速公路之後

and causing a multi-car pile-up,

並造成多車連環相撞。

a koala got comfortable in the car of its rescuer.

一隻考拉在救人者的車上很舒服。

Look at this guy.

看看這個傢伙。

Yeah. [ Laughs ]

是啊。[笑]

-Wow. -See?

-哇哦-看到了嗎？

When your country beats COVID, that is your top story.

當你的國家打敗了COVID，那就是你的頭條新聞。

You know what I'm saying?

你知道我在說什麼嗎？

That's what we got to look forward -- We got that.

這就是我們要期待的... ...我們得到了。

We have a great show for you tonight, everybody.

今晚我們有一場精彩的演出，各位。