(sighing)

- Hey, Matt.

Got your email with the report,

thanks so much for sending.

Question, did you CC John on that?

- Uh, yes, I believe I did.

- Oh that's interesting 'cause I'm looking

at that email right now and you didn't.

- Oh.

- You BCC'd me.

- Oh.

You still got the email then, right?

- I did.

- Look, I know you're new around here,

so I just want to make sure

you understand the email protocol.

You always CC both John and I on all work emails

'cause if you BCC see him,

then I can't check to make sure that you CC'd him.

- Got it.

I made a mistake.

- Great.

Question, why did you make that mistake?

- I guess I'm a little tired this morning.

- Uh huh. - Oh gosh.

- Why are you so tired?

- I have anxiety that sometimes keeps me up at night.

- What causes this anxiety?

- I guess sometimes I feel like

this can be sort of a confrontational work environment.

- Hey, bud

Hampton DeVille encourages

aggressive confrontational criticism.

- [Kate] Why don't you like confrontation?

Defend your position.

- Oh uh.

No, I mean.

I think confrontation is a good thing.

It's just sometimes confrontation hurts

my job performance and damages my personal well being.

- Uh oh.

Well, if you can't manage your emotions, Matt,

what makes you think you're qualified

to manage people at this company?

- Honestly, I don't know.

- Oh.

- I never really saw myself here.

I mean, after college I volunteered

for a program teaching underprivileged kids

because I wanted to help people

but then one of the students stabbed me

and the school was pretty dirty

and I realized I wasn't cut out for it.

So, I moved back in with my parents

which I'm pretty sure led to them getting a divorce

because. - We don't love each other.

- That's what they told me happened.

Then I worked a series of jobs

that eventually landed me here.

Where I'm just a cog in a soulless, corporate machine

and I'm not--

- Okay, well just make sure that you CC

both John and I on all work emails.

It's a simple mistake.

But its just important to follow protocol.

- Yes.

Jake, question.

Why do you think it's okay

to come into work with your shirt untucked?

- Because life is meaningless

and nothing we do matters.

- Okay, great.

- Have a great day, you two. - Thanks, guys.

(upbeat classical music)

(speaking Spanish)

(upbeat classical music)

(boat horn blaring)

(truck horn blaring)

(upbeat classical music)

- Oh, Matt.

That banana has brown spots on it.

- What?

Oh, ew.

- As you all know, profits for Hampton DeVille

are at an all time high,

unfortunately, the well being

at our employees is at an all time low.

Let's take a look at the average Hampton DeVille employee.

The average life expectancy for a Hampton DeVille employee

is 57.1 years.

They get five point two hours of sleep...

- I'm so tired.

I wish I could be asleep all the time.

- You just described death.

- Yeah, I guess I want to be dead.

- I can't wait to die.

It sounds so relaxing.

- The average employee is half man, half woman.

They have one testicle, one breast,

and half a vagina.

Every year, the average employee consumes

561 cups of coffee and 1,000 pounds of...

- I feel nothing when I drink coffee.

- Coffee is a scam.

Be an adult, take an Adderall.

- The average Hampton DeVille employee

strongly agrees with the following phrase,

if I see a pill, I eat a pill.

They smoke 275 cigarettes annually,

97 marijuana cigarettes,

and due to some statistical outliers,

the average employee does heroin.

- I would never do heroin, unless I was dying

or someone just offered it to me.

- I don't have a 401k,

so as of now my retirement plan is to overdose on drugs.

- Smart.

- The average employee has seven point eight

suicidal thoughts per day,

18 panic attacks a year,

and wonders once a hour, every hour,

why this is happening to them.

And that concludes my presentation

on how Hampton DeVille employees

cope with the pain of being alive.

(applause)

- Okay, thank you, Grace.

Should we talk next steps?

- First step, let us never speak of this again.

- Yes, that's right.

That's really the only step.

(metal ringing) (wet crunching)

- You're chopping wood,

immersed in nature,

removed from the oppressive modern world.

Pure, organic, salt, sweat, and hops.

You reach for a brew

but you don't want a regular beer brewed

by soulless machines.

You want something crafted by hand

because you're unique, different from other people, better.

You're a special man.

Imagine the heart and soul of a thousand year old tree.

Imagine an apple that tastes like God.

Imagine the Patriot Act never existed.

Imagine true freedom.

Congrats, you've now imagined Matt's Brew.

Imagine an eagle.

Because beer can be better.

So, what'd you think?

- I think brewing your own beer

is a sign of a lost person.

- Jake, it's me inside this bottle

and I want you to taste me.

- No, I don't like beer.

- I don't like beer either

but this is craft brew.

- You are acting like frat guy.

- Craft brew is a rebellion against frat culture.

- No means no.

- [Echoing] No!

My brew.

(gunshot)

(soft muzak)

- Oh, I'll have a bloody Mary, thanks.

Oh I wonder if the hotel has a pool.

- Matt, no.

I forbid you to go swimming.

This is the corporate retreat,

not MTV Spring Break.

- Jake, this is the closest I've had

to a vacation in years.

All I want to do is have some fun

and maybe drunkenly say something

way too personal to a coworker

that I'll always regret.

- Matt, look, this weekend is about one thing.

Forming superficial relationships

with people you can exploit in the future.

It's called networking.

- Shirley Mozer SVP marketing

son banned from Wal-Mart after Sudafed incident.

What is this?

- It's everyone I met at last year's retreat.

Names, emails, and one dark secret per person

for possible future blackmailing.

- Well, you're a well organized sociopath.

- If you're over 30 and don't have a spreadsheet

of everyone you've ever met, you're behind in life.

- I'm so bad with names and faces,

I have close friends whose names I don't know.

- [Man] Oh, oh my god!

- I knew it.

I knew our pilot sucked.

He was too folksy on the PA.

- Jake, I just want you to know that you're my best friend

at work, you're my best work friend.

- [Man] Oh my god, I tasted my whole butt.

I forgive you.

- Are we okay?

- Good news, that crash you just experienced

was just a simulation.

- Surprise!

And our apologies if you were traumatized.

- Fun fact, coworkers who have co-survived

a near death experience

are more bonded than coworkers

who have not almost co-died together.

- So, congrats.

Oh, and if your final thoughts weren't of Hampton DeVille

than you've got a lot of work to do this weekend.

Happy retreat.

(soft music)

(machine beeping)

(knocking)

- [Matt] Happy Friday.

(upbeat tropical music)

- You fell for it.

You took casual Friday too far.

- What do you mean?

The email said we could wear whatever we want.

- Matt, you naive little ingenue.

Casual Friday is a trap.

Anything you wear can and will be held against you.

You know, this is the first time I've ever seen your toes.

There's something weird about them.

- I don't have weird toes.

- Yes, you do.

They look like stretched out baby fingers.

- As much as I enjoy seeing others fail,

I'm gonna take pity on you and give you my jacket.

- Now he looks like he's in a ska band.

- I actually used to be in a ska band.

- Don't ever tell anybody that.

- Great, now I look like the biggest idiot in the office.

- Hi, Tom.

Jill, nice to see you.

Terry, how's it going?

Oh, nice outfit, Jennifer.

Morning, Ken.

Can you get the New York office

on the phone for me, please?

(eerie tense music)

Anyone have any big plans for the weekend?

(lighthearted classical music)

(lighthearted classical music)

- [Narrator] What's reflected in the mirror

in the pitch black room?

(tense electronic music)

- Once we remove it, they can no longer listen,

they can't track you.

You'll be completely unplugged from the system.

Are you sure you're ready to leave your old life behind?

- The system is broken

and I've always felt like an outsider looking in.

- You're special.

- I've always felt special.

- You're the most special person in the universe.

- I'm ready to accept how special I am.

(tense electronic music)

(groaning)

I'm free.

I'm fin--

Finally free.

- I can't believe you asked me

to drive you to work today

just so you could watch your pseudo-intellectual

TV show on your stupid oversized smart watch.

It must feel really great for the filmmakers

to know that their premium high budget TV show

is being viewed on a five inch screen.

- Can you even hear me?

No, great, I'm talking to myself.

Oh, hi, me.

How are you doing?

I'm doing terribly.

Why?

Because my friend thinks I'm an Uber driver.