in dog years, doesn't matter!

狗年

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Someone made that up, and we just went along with it.

有人編造了這句話，而我們只是順著它。

"Oh, one year equals seven for doggies? Okay."

"哦，一年等於七歲的狗仔？好吧。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

(audience cheers) (intense music)

（觀眾歡呼聲） （激烈的音樂）

(audience applauds) I love watching movies.

(觀眾鼓掌)我喜歡看電影。

You ever rent a movie that was released a while ago,

你有沒有租過一部前段時間上映的電影。

and you enjoy it, but there's kinda that awkwardness,

你喜歡它，但有 有點尷尬。

'cause you can't talk about it with anyone?

因為你不能和任何人談論它？

You're like, "Hey, I just saw 'Heat.'"

你會說，"嘿，我剛看了'熱'。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

"'Heat'? I saw that

"'熱'？我看到了

six years ago!" (audience laughs)

六年前！"（觀眾笑）

"I wanna talk about it now."

"我想現在就談。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

"No, loser!"

"不，失敗者！"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book?

你有沒有和讀過書的人談論過電影？

They're always so condescending.

他們總是那麼趾高氣揚。

"Yeah, the book was much better

"是啊，這本書更好

than the movie." (audience laughs)

比電影。"（觀眾笑）

"Oh, really? What I enjoyed about the movie?

"哦，是嗎？我喜歡這部電影的什麼地方？

No reading.

不讀。

(audience laughs and claps)

（觀眾笑著鼓掌）

It only took two hours, and then I could take a nap."

只需要兩個小時，然後我就可以睡一覺了。"

I'm too lazy.

我太懶了。

You ever read an article, and at the bottom,

你有沒有讀過一篇文章，在底部。

it says, "Continued on Page Six?"

它說，"繼續在第六頁？"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I'm like, "Not for me!

我想，"不適合我！"。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I'm done.

我不幹了

Why don't you stop bossing me around?"

你為什麼不停止指揮我？"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Then I finally get to Page Six,

然後我終於到了第六頁。

I can't even remember what I was reading.

我都不記得自己在讀什麼了。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

You ever read the ending to a different article?

你有沒有看過不同文章的結局？

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

"Al Gore is running from a waterfall?"

"阿爾-戈爾從瀑布中跑出來？"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

You ever read a book that changed your life?

你讀過一本改變你人生的書嗎？

Me neither.

我也不知道

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I don't have the attention span.

我的注意力不集中。

Every now and then, I'll read a book, I'll be so proud

偶爾讀到一本書，我會很得意的

of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation.

的自己，我會試著擠進談話。

People are like, "Hey, Jim, how you doing?' "I read a book!

人們都喜歡，"嘿，吉姆，你怎麼做？"我讀了一本書！

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

450 pages!"

450頁！"

"That's great, what was it about?"

"那太好了，是怎麼回事？"

"No idea!

"不知道!

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Took me two years!"

花了我兩年時間！"

You ever buy a book and not read it?

你有沒有買了書卻不看的經歷？

You feel almost guilty having it on a bookshelf, don't you?

把它放在書架上，你會覺得很內疚，不是嗎？

People are like, "Hey, how was that book?"

人們都說，"嘿，那本書怎麼樣？"

"I haven't read it."

"我還沒看過。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

"Did you just buy it?"

"你剛買的嗎？"

"I've had it since high school."

"我從高中開始就有了。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

"Well, can I borrow it?"

"嗯，可以借我用一下嗎？"

"No."

"沒有。"

(audience laughs) (air whooshes)

（觀眾笑）（空氣嗖嗖）。

I did figure out what type of doctor I would wanna be,

我確實想好了我想成為什麼樣的醫生。

which is an anesthesiologist, 'cause just once,

這是一個麻醉師， "原因只是一次。

I'd like to walk in a room and go,

我想走進一個房間去。

"Hi, I'm Dr. Gaffigan.

"嗨，我是加菲根醫生。

I'm gonna give you some drugs so you can't talk or move,

我會給你一些藥物，讓你不能說話或移動。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

and one of these strangers is gonna cut you open.

這些陌生人中的一個會把你切開。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Good luck!"

好運！"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

What draws someone to anesthesiology?

是什麼吸引人去做麻醉學？

It's like, "I like medicine,

這就像，"我喜歡醫學。

but I really enjoy getting people high,

但我真的很喜歡讓人興奮。

(audience laughs) so I can combine the two.

(觀眾笑)所以我可以把兩者結合起來。

I also prefer to sit during surgery."

手術時我也更喜歡坐著。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

You ever see the anesthesiologist during surgery?

你在手術中見過麻醉師嗎？

They're always sitting there like, (grumbles)

他們總是坐在那裡一樣，（抱怨）。

"I don't even know why I have to be here.

"我都不知道自己為什麼要在這裡。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Yeah, they're still alive!

是的，他們還活著！

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Anyone got the Wi-Fi password?"

誰有Wi-Fi密碼？"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

But I have a newfound respect for doctors, I do.

但我對醫生有了新的敬意，真的。

'Cause when you think about it, unless we're sick,

因為你想想看，除非我們生病了。

we listen to absolutely nothing doctors tell us.

我們完全不聽醫生的話

They're like, "You should lose weight."

他們就像，"你應該減肥。"

"Never gonna happen.

"永遠不會發生。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

What else you got?"

你還有什麼發現？"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

"You should exercise."

"你應該鍛鍊身體。"

"Does eating French fries count?"

"吃薯條算不算？"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

"Get out of my office."

"滾出我的辦公室。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I don't even listen when I bring my kids to the doctor.

我帶孩子去看醫生的時候都不聽。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

The doctor's like, "To avoid an infection,"

醫生說："為了避免感染，"

I'm like, "Duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh

我想，"咄-咄-咄-咄-咄-咄-咄--

duh-duh-duh-duh." (audience laughs and claps)

duh-duh-duh-duh-duh。"（觀眾笑著鼓掌）

My wife's like, "What'd the doctor say?"

我妻子說："醫生怎麼說？"

"Don't pick the scab.

"不要挑破痂皮。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I don't listen to nerds!"

我不聽書呆子的話！"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Those are the only times I would ever see a doctor,

那是我唯一一次看醫生。

is when I bring my kids in.

是當我把我的孩子在。

Sometimes I try and horn in on a pediatric appointment.

有時候，我試著在兒科看病的時候發號施令。

The doctor'll be like, "How's little Mikey doing?"

醫生會說，"小米奇怎麼樣了？"

"Mikey's good, he's good.

"米奇很好，他很好。

He's a little worried about this mole I have

他有點擔心我的這顆痣。

on my arm. (audience laughs)

在我的手臂。（觀眾笑）

Yeah, I explained to Mikey that I've always had the mole,

是的，我向Mikey解釋說我一直有痣。

but Mikey thinks it might have changed colors."

但米奇認為它可能已經改變了顏色。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

"Jim, would you like to make an appointment."

"吉姆，你要不要預約一下。"

"No, it's Mikey, he just needs a thumbs-up

"不，是Mikey，他只是需要一個大拇指。

or a thumbs-down on the mole.

或對痣豎起大拇指。

I know Mikey doesn't wanna play the Hippocratic Oath card,

我知道Mikey不想打希波克拉底誓言的牌。

but you have to tell us, don't you?"

但你必須告訴我們，不是嗎？"

(audience laughs) (air whooshes)

（觀眾笑）（空氣嗖嗖）。

And sharing a meal with someone, that's intimacy.

而與人共餐，那就是親密無間。

That's why it was called the Last Supper,

這就是為什麼它被稱為最後的晚餐。

and not the Last Meeting, yeah?

而不是最後的會議，是嗎？

Jesus was trying to get 12 other guys together,

耶穌是想把其他12個人聚在一起。

you know, there had to be food there.

你知道，那裡必須有食物。

Jesus was like, "Tomorrow night

耶穌說："明天晚上

I wanna get everyone together."

我想把大家聚在一起。"

You know there was one apostle who was like,

你知道，有一個使徒誰是喜歡，

"Is there gonna be food there?"

"那裡會有食物嗎？"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

"Yes, there'll be food."

"是的，會有食物。"

"Are we talking appetizers

"我們是在說開胃菜嗎？

or entrees?" (audience laughs)

還是主菜？"（觀眾笑）

"It'll be a supper."

"這將是一個晚餐。"

"So, casual. I can wear a robe?"

"所以，休閒。我可以穿長袍嗎？"

"You can wear a robe. I'll wear a robe if you wear a robe."

"你可以穿長袍。你穿袍子我就穿袍子。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Jesus, He was in good shape, right?

天啊，他的狀態很好，對吧？

Jesus was in amazing shape, especially considering

耶穌的身材很好，尤其是考慮到

He could multiply bread whenever He wanted.

只要他願意，他可以隨時增殖麵包。

(audience laughs) Just like, boom,

(觀眾笑)就像，轟。

pretzel bread, you know?

椒鹽麵包，你知道嗎？

The Bible doesn't really specify what type of bread it was.

聖經並沒有真正說明那是什麼類型的麵包。

I imagine it was pretzel bread, right?

我猜是椒鹽麵包，對吧？

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Like boom, pretzel bread, boom, garlic knots.

比如嘣，椒鹽麵包，嘣，蒜頭結。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Like if right now, I multiply garlic knots up here,

就像如果現在，我乘著蒜結在這裡。

you guys would be like, "Maybe he's God."

你們會喜歡， "也許他是上帝。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I know religion jokes make some people uncomfortable.

我知道宗教笑話讓一些人不舒服。

Especially the ones going to hell.

尤其是那些要下地獄的人。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

You ever get a phone call? That's annoying, right?

你有沒有接到過電話？很煩吧？

(audience laughs and claps)

（觀眾笑著拍手）

You better be calling to tell me your hands are chopped off!

你最好打電話告訴我你的手被砍掉了!

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

It's like, "I just wanted to hear your voice, Daddy."

這就像，"我只是想聽聽你的聲音，爸爸。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

"Buy my CD, right?"

"買我的CD吧？"

(audience laughs) (air whooshes)

（觀眾笑）（空氣嗖嗖）。

Recently I was invited to a surprise birthday party.

最近，我被邀請參加一個驚喜的生日聚會。

It was a surprise birthday party for a dog.

這是給一隻狗的驚喜生日派對。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

That's right! I have friends that are mentally ill!

對了，我有朋友是精神病患者！我有朋友是精神病患者!

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I went, I went.

我去了，我去了。

It was in my apartment building and I needed the material.

這是在我的公寓樓裡，我需要材料。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

And to be fair, the dog was surprised.

平心而論，這隻狗也很驚訝。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Didn't suspect a thing.

什麼都沒有懷疑。

Dog didn't know it was his birthday,

狗狗不知道今天是他的生日。

the dog didn't know it had a birthday.

狗不知道它的生日。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

The dog wasn't sure why people were in the apartment.

狗子不知道為什麼人在公寓裡。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

It was the dog's third birthday, which,

今天是狗狗的三歲生日，這。

in dog years, doesn't matter!

狗年

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Someone made that up, and we just went along with it.

有人編造了這句話，而我們只是順著它。

"Oh, one year equals seven for doggies? Okay.

"哦，一年等於七歲的狗仔？好吧，我知道了。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

When I see a dog, I'll do math."

看到狗，我就會做數學題。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

That's not fulfilling some dog need, you know?

這不是滿足什麼狗的需求，你知道嗎？

There's not a dog sitting in a bar right now,

現在酒吧裡可沒有狗坐。

"I'm not three, I'm 21!

"我不是三歲，我是21歲!

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I can legally drink!"

我可以合法地喝酒！"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

That's not how dogs keep track of time!

狗不是這樣記時間的!

If you have a dog, you know they don't keep track of time.

如果你養了狗，你就知道它們不會記時間。

You've left your home, forgotten something,

你離開了你的家，忘記了什麼。

walk back in, only to be greeted by your dog

踏進家門，卻被你的愛犬迎面而來

like you've just returned from war.

就像你剛從戰場回來一樣

(audience laughs) "You're back!

(觀眾笑) "你回來了!

It's a miracle!

這是一個奇蹟！

You're back after I don't know how long, 'cause I'm a dog!"

你不知道過了多久才回來，因為我是一條狗！"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

(audience cheers and claps) (intense music)

（觀眾的歡呼聲和鼓掌）（激烈的音樂）。