I was nervous to get married because my husband wanted us to write our own wedding vows.

我結婚的時候很緊張，因為我老公要我們自己寫結婚誓詞。

He has feelings.

他有感情。

I don't know how to express myself.

我不知道如何表達自己。

I was so nervous.

我很緊張。

My wedding vows We're gonna be the most New York gangster vows.

我的婚禮誓詞 我們要做最紐約的黑幫誓詞。

I was so afraid I was gonna get up and be like, Yo, I didn't love you, son way.

我好怕自己會站起來說，喲，我不愛你，兒子的方式。

God, I love you, my guy.

上帝，我愛你，我的傢伙。

Way just chest bump.

方式只是胸部撞擊。

I'm like, Let's do this.

我想，讓我們做到這一點。

A priest is like you may now dap the bride.

牧師就像你現在可以拍新娘。

I'm like fax e Couldn't sleep last night, man.

我就像傳真一樣，昨晚睡不著，夥計。

I was just up three am chilling with my demons.

我凌晨三點還在和我的惡魔們寒暄呢。

That's all it is, man.

就是這樣，夥計。

I was like, What's up in securities?

我當時想，證券業怎麼了？

Hey, procrastination.

嘿，拖延症。

Funny you'd be on time for this.

有趣的是，你會準時到這裡來。

You're never doing anything productive.

你從來沒有做任何有成效的事情。

That's the most frustrating thing.

這是最令人沮喪的事情。

If you're like me, you're just up rethinking conversations you had during the day and coming up with better responses.

如果你和我一樣，你只是起來重新思考白天的對話，想出更好的對策。

You're on the Internet for the next 97 hours, looking at weird animal friendship videos, which are my favorite, by the way.

接下來的97個小時裡，你都在上網，看奇怪的動物友誼視頻，順便說一下，這是我最喜歡的。

I love those videos.

我喜歡這些視頻。

I'm like a kitten and a monkey.

我就像一隻小貓和一隻猴子。

How they even meet.

他們怎麼會相遇。

I grew up watching both Latino television and American television, and I noticed the similarities.

我是看著拉美電視和美國電視長大的，我注意到了其中的相似之處。

A lot of the programs were similar.

很多項目都是類似的。

It's just that Latinos we always gotta be extra.

只是拉美人我們總是要額外的。

We always gotta be actual.

我們總是要實際的。

It's like we looked at regular soap operas and we're like, You call that drama?

就像我們看著普通的肥皂劇，我們就會說，你這也叫電視劇？

That's cute.

那是可愛的。

I'll show you Drama.

我給你看Drama

Yeah, right.

是的，沒錯。

Everything's extra about what we do.

我們所做的一切都是額外的。

Like on American television.

就像美國電視上一樣。

They got Kelly and Ryan.

他們得到了凱利和萊恩。

We got Guardiola Flocka.

我們得到了瓜迪奧拉弗洛卡。

That's right.

是的

Okay, which translates to the fat man and the skinny woman.

好吧，翻譯過來就是胖子和瘦女人。

Yeah, because who cares what their names are?

是啊，因為誰在乎他們的名字是什麼？

Married?

結婚了嗎？

A good dude.

一個好夥計。

I got me in 1978 Caucasian?

我在1978年得到了我的高加索人？

Yeah.

是啊。

Yeah, my husband's white.

是的，我丈夫是白人

That's what I try to tell you all.

這就是我想告訴大家的。

He's not just white.

他不只是白人。

He is Midwest White.

他是中西部白人。

Yeah, that's right.

是的，這是正確的。

That's organic, girl.

這是有機的，女孩。

That iss who that is Farm to table white.

那是誰，那是農場到餐桌的白。

You all that?

你都這樣？

I got duped by a lot of those dating APs because someone taught guys about high angles and filters, and now they're using our tricks against us.

我被很多約會的AP騙了，因為有人教了男生高角度和濾鏡，現在他們在用我們的技巧對付我們。

Ladies, how's that gonna work, man?

女士們，這怎麼能行呢，夥計？

Don't look like how I'm supposed to look.

不像我該有的樣子。

You don't look like how you're supposed to look how we gonna find each other at this restaurant.

你看起來不像你應該看起來... ...我們怎麼能在這個餐廳找到對方。

First white guy I dated was years ago.

我交往的第一個白人是幾年前的事了。

He took me to his parents Lake house, and I was like, Oh, because that's when I found out white people buy houses that they don't live in.

他帶我去了他父母的湖畔別墅，我當時就想，哦，因為那時候我才發現白人買的房子他們並不住。

Oh, it was like, That's money.

哦，它就像，那是錢。

Money.

錢

My favorite new game is lying to uber drivers about what I do for a living because I used to stupidly tell them the truth.

我最喜歡的新遊戲是對uber司機撒謊，說我是幹什麼的，因為我曾經傻乎乎地告訴他們真相。

I tell him I'm a comedian, and then they'd be, like, say something funny.

我告訴他，我是一個喜劇演員，然後他們會，喜歡，說一些有趣的東西。

But when I tell him I'm a stripper, no more questions.

但當我告訴他我是個脫衣舞娘，就沒有問題了。

So I stopped him because that's what you do when you like a guy.

所以我阻止了他，因為當你喜歡一個人的時候，你就會這樣做。

Every woman in here.

這裡的每個女人。

No, she's part FBI agent.

不，她有一部分是FBI探員

That's right.

是的

Soon as I had his full name, I launched a cyber investigation.

當我掌握了他的全名後，我就展開了網絡調查。

Do you know how hard it was when I met his family to pretend like I didn't know everything about them already?

你知道當我見到他的家人時，要裝作不瞭解他們的一切有多難嗎？

I was so afraid then I was gonna say someone's name before they introduce themselves.

我當時好害怕，怕人家還沒介紹自己就先說人家的名字。

Yeah.

是啊。

Hey, Mary.

嘿，瑪麗。

Um, how you doing, girl?

嗯，你怎麼做，女孩？

I mean, hey, girl, what's your name?

我是說，嘿，姑娘，你叫什麼名字？

How the renovations on the house going but supposed to know that my husband loves the fact that he's married a sassy Latina.

房子的裝修情況如何，但應該知道我老公喜歡他娶了一個風度翩翩的拉丁人。

He loves to bring it up in conversation when it has nothing to do with what we're talking about.

他喜歡在談話中提出來，當它與我們談論的內容毫無關係。

Like Hey, guys, my wife's Puerto Rican Enjoy your meal.

嘿，夥計們，我妻子是波多黎各人，請享用你們的食物。

I get it.

我明白了。

I mean, he's excited.

我的意思是，他很興奮。

I'm the Onley Latin woman he's ever been with, so I'm his first.

我是和他一起過的Onley拉丁女人，所以我是他的第一個。

He's not my first white guy.

他不是我第一個白人。

I have.

我有。

Ah, I mean, with white guys before mainly to get information and take it back to my people.

啊，我的意思是，之前和白人在一起主要是為了獲取情報，然後帶回我的人。

Women are funny.

女人很有趣。

Your wife must have a sense of humor.

你老婆一定很有幽默感。

She's seeing you naked.

她在看你的裸體。

Uh, I don't like you.

呃，我不喜歡你。

Come back.

回來吧

Do I call you or do I just commit a crime?

我是給你打電話，還是直接犯罪？

Probably committing a crime would get me to Ukraine.

可能犯罪會讓我去烏克蘭。

This is me and my most inviting Thank you and good night.

這是我和我最誠摯的邀請，謝謝你，晚安。