I feel like you click on a link,

我感覺你好像點擊了一個鏈接。

and then you wake up five years later with a beard,

然後你五年後醒來，留著鬍子。

and you're like, "What happened?"

你會說，"怎麼了？"

(audience laughs) (intense hip-hop music)

（觀眾笑） （激烈的嘻哈音樂）。

(audience cheers)

（觀眾歡呼聲）

But, no, I suffer from depression.

但是，不，我患有抑鬱症。

It's a great way to start off a set, you know.

這是個很好的開場方式，你知道的。

Sorry to go blue right away, but it's true.

對不起，馬上就藍了，但這是事實。

I... (audience laughs)

I...（觀眾笑）

No, I've had it my whole life, and, you know,

不，我已經有了我的整個生活，而且，你知道的。

it's like, a lot of times I'll feel sad for no reason.

這就像，很多時候我會感到悲傷 沒有理由。

But then I'll remember some of the reasons,

但我就會想起一些原因。

you know? (audience laughs)

你知道嗎？（觀眾笑）

I'm like, "This actually makes lot of sense. This adds up."

我想，"這實際上是很有意義的。這增加了。"

There are certain types of weather

有某些類型的天氣

that are better for depressives,

對抑鬱症患者比較好的。

like I love it when it rains.

就像我喜歡下雨的時候。

It reminds me why I got in the whole sad game, you know?

這讓我想起了我為什麼要參加這個悲傷的遊戲，你知道嗎？

Keeps me grounded. (audience laughs)

讓我接地氣。（觀眾笑）

Whenever it's pouring outside, as a sad person,

每當外面大雨滂沱的時候，作為一個悲傷的人。

you can turn to any random optimist on the street

隨隨便便就能找到一個樂觀主義者。

and just be like, "Hey! You're in my world now."

就像 "嘿，你現在在我的世界裡了"

What! (audience laughs)

什麼！ （觀眾笑）

(Aparna chuckles)

(Aparna笑著說)

Yeah, I relate to people who have self-doubt.

是啊，我和那些有自我懷疑的人有關。

I have a lot of anxiety.

我有很多焦慮。

Don't be mistaken by the sassy drag queen stage persona.

不要被風騷的變裝皇后的舞臺形象所誤解。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I know, it's confusing.

我知道，這是混亂的。

But, yeah, I have a lot of anxiety.

但是，是的，我有很多的焦慮。

I don't know, I feel like it's weirder

我不知道，我覺得這更奇怪。

to not have anxiety than to have it,

不焦慮比有焦慮要好。

'cause I feel like if you're not scared,

因為我覺得如果你不害怕，

you're not paying attention, you know?

你不注意，你知道嗎？

I feel like if you open a newspaper a day,

我覺得如果你每天打開一份報紙。

skim maybe three headlines, you're just like, "Seems cool!"

掠過也許三個標題，你只是想，"似乎很酷！"

It's like, "What? Everything's on fire!

這就像，"什麼？一切都著火了！

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

"Even the newspaper is on fire!

"連報紙都火了!

What are you so chill about?"

你怎麼這麼冷淡？"

And, you know, sometimes when you tell people

而且，你知道，有時候當你告訴人們

you have anxiety, they're always like,

你有焦慮， 他們總是喜歡，

"Well, you know, there's nothing to fear but fear itself."

"嗯，你知道，除了恐懼本身，沒有什麼好怕的。"

It's like, "Okay, have you checked out some of fear's work?

這就像，"好吧，你有沒有查過一些恐懼的工作？

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

It's pretty much churning out solid gold hits.

它幾乎是在不斷地湧現出實實在在的黃金點擊率。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Making some great points, rarely misfires.

提出一些很好的觀點，很少有失誤。

And if you don't have anxiety, the way I would describe it

如果你沒有焦慮症，我會這樣描述它

is there's an edgy improv group in your brain,

是有一個前衛的即興表演團體在你的大腦。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

and it just needs a one-word suggestion

它只需要一個字的建議

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

to spin countless scenarios that no one's comfortable with.

來旋轉無數個沒有人舒服的場景。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

And the whole time, you're just like,

而整個時間，你只是喜歡，

"When will this show be over?

"這個節目什麼時候才能結束？

I just came to be supportive!

我只是來支持你的!

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

None of these thoughts have a future."

這些想法都沒有未來。"

(air whooshes) But people get into stand-up

（空氣嗖嗖聲） 但人們進入站立式

for a lot of different reasons.

有很多不同的原因。

Mostly to escape your past,

主要是為了逃避自己的過去。

sometimes to hide from your future.

有時要躲避你的未來。

But I kinda did things backwards.

但我做的事情有點倒退。

I got into stand-up comedy to pursue my real dream,

我進入脫口秀界是為了追求自己真正的夢想。

which is to do temporary administrative support

這是做臨時行政支持

in an office. (audience laughs)

在辦公室裡。（觀眾笑）

Thank you.

謝謝你了

That is where I truly excel.

這就是我真正的優勢所在。

I've worked in a lot of offices, though,

不過我在很多辦公室工作過。

and I would say my main regret is I've never done this.

我想說的是，我的主要遺憾是我從來沒有這樣做過。

I wish just one time, when I'd been sitting

我希望有一次，當我坐著的時候

in a tense company meeting, I'd stood up

在一次緊張的公司會議上，我站了起來。

in the middle of it, apropos of nothing, and gone,

在它的中間，什麼也不說，就走了。

"I think the bigger issue here is, I can't read!"

"我覺得這裡更大的問題是，我看不懂！"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I love offices, 'cause awkward stuff like that

我喜歡辦公室，因為像那樣的尷尬的東西

happens all the time, and you can't fully address it,

時刻都在發生，而你卻無法完全解決它。

'cause you have to see those people the next day.

因為你第二天還要去見那些人。

Like, one time I worked in a different office,

比如，有一次我在不同的辦公室工作。

try to keep up, and this happened to me in an elevator.

試著跟上，這發生在我在電梯裡。

A woman walked in, then I walked in, then a man walked in.

一個女人走了進來，然後我走了進來，然後一個男人走了進來。

So far, all innocent. That's important.

到目前為止，所有的人都是無辜的。這很重要

Button panel is right here.

按鈕面板就在這裡。

Woman presses five, I press four.

女人按五，我按四。

The man's too far away, so he goes, "Six, please."

那人離得太遠了，於是他說："六，請。"

I was raised well, so I press six.

我從小就養尊處優，所以我按六。

He goes, "Why, thank you!"

他說："為什麼，謝謝你！"

And then the woman goes, "Oh, you're welcome."

然後那個女人說："哦，不客氣。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

What?

什麼？

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

That is an example of taking credit for someone else's work

這就是把別人的功勞佔為己有的例子。

on the smallest scale possible.

在儘可能小的規模上。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

She was using manners in a rude way!

她在用粗魯的方式使用禮儀!

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I don't think that's how you do it!

我想你不是這樣做的!

What are the circumstances that she just has

什麼情況下，她只是有

to steal other people's thank-yous in elevators?

在電梯裡偷別人的感謝信？

When she walked in, when she just like,

當她走進來的時候，當她只是像。

"I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to win.

"我不是來交朋友的，我是來贏的。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Where's my rose?"

我的玫瑰花呢？"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

And let me just tell you, there are a lot

讓我來告訴你，有很多的

of time and space constraints

時間和空間的限制

to seeking revenge in an elevator.

到電梯裡尋仇。

It's not a lot of room to move, we're on the clock,

移動的空間不大，我們在時間上。

so I had to think fast, go straight to primal instinct

所以我不得不快速思考，直奔原始本能。

survival mode, so you can't judge me for what I did.

生存模式，所以你不能對我的所作所為進行評判。

I just looked her dead in the eyes,

我只是死死地看著她的眼睛。

and I farted really loudly.

我大聲地放了個屁。

(audience laughs) (air whooshes)

（觀眾笑）（空氣嗖嗖）。

One thing I wasn't ready for when I moved there

當我搬到那裡的時候，有一件事我還沒有準備好。

was New York is the fashion capital of the country,

是紐約是全國的時尚之都。

so there are always models walking around,

所以總是有模特走來走去。

which was kind of a bummer.

這是種無賴。

Just feral models, wandering the streets,

只是野模，在街上游蕩。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

that no one warns you about, and they're always

沒有人警告你，他們總是...

stepping out of buildings when you least expect it,

在你最不經意的時候走出建築物。

just ruining your day, just like, "Aah!"

只是毀了你的一天，只是喜歡，"啊哈！"

and you're like, "No, I'm down here!

你就會說："不，我在下面！

You know, I don't have much."

你知道，我的東西不多。"

I don't know. (audience laughs)

我不知道。（觀眾笑）

Models, to me, feel like self-esteem pickpockets.

模特，對我來說，感覺就像自尊心的扒手。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

They're fine at a distance, but then you

他們在遠處很好，但隨後你

directly walk by one, and you're just like, "No!

直接走過一個，你只是喜歡，"不！

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I have nothing!

我什麼都沒有！

Even my personality is the wrong shape!"

連我的性格都是錯形的！"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

People talk about New York moments.

人們談論紐約的時刻。

I think there should be a separate category

我認為應該有一個單獨的類別

called New York breaking points.

被稱為紐約斷點。

I had mine a couple of months ago.

幾個月前，我有我的。

I was walking in Manhattan, I just saw

我走在曼哈頓，我只是看到

a loose muffin that had fallen on the sidewalk,

一個掉在人行道上的鬆餅。

and I just kicked it really hard!

我只是踢得很用力！

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

It was like, "I didn't know that about myself.

我當時就想，我自己都不知道。

I didn't know I was a muffin-kicker."

我不知道我是一個鬆餅剋星。"

The top shot off in one direction, the body kept rolling.

頂端朝一個方向射去，身體不斷滾動。

I was like, "Sick! Children, look away!"

我當時想，"病了！孩子們，看開點！"

It's like, "If you see something, say something."

這就像，"如果你看到什麼，說什麼。"

What if it's you?

如果是你呢？

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

What if you're the something? (air whooshes)

如果你是什麼東西？（空氣嗖嗖聲）

I've also been getting into the Internet.

我也一直在接觸互聯網。

I don't know if you guys have been, it's pretty fun.

不知道你們去過沒有，挺好玩的。

(audience laughs) Yeah.

（觀眾笑）是啊。

I got my AOL CD, I'm finally on there,

我得到了我的AOL CD，我終於在那裡。

(audience laughs) but the Internet is tricky.

(觀眾笑)但互聯網是很棘手的。

I feel like you click on a link,

我感覺你好像點擊了一個鏈接。

and then you wake up five years later with a beard,

然後你五年後醒來，留著鬍子。

and you're like, "What happened?"

你會說，"怎麼了？"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

My latest Achilles' heel on the Internet is list articles.

我在互聯網上的最新致命弱點是列表文章。

Listicles, I believe, is the time-saving term.

列表，我相信是省時的說法。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I don't know if you guys are familiar with them,

不知道你們對他們是否熟悉。

but the whole point, they're known as clickbait,

但整點，他們被稱為點擊誘餌。

the whole point is just to get you to click on the link.

整點只是為了讓你點擊鏈接。

They just want those hits.

他們只是想要那些點擊率。

And there's a lot of sites that specialize in them.

而且有很多網站是專門做這些的。

There's BuzzFeed, HuffPo, third site is doing great work.

有BuzzFeed、HuffPo，第三家網站做得很好。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

But at first, they started out normal

但一開始，他們是正常的

in terms of being enticing.

在誘人方面。

A typical one might be something like

一個典型的例子可能是這樣的

"12 Actresses Before They Were Famous."

"12個女演員在成名前的表現"

And you'll be like, "Oh, well, I'm not famous.

你會說，"哦，好吧，我不出名。

Let's relate."

讓我們聯繫起來。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Or it'd be like "37 Puppies So Cute, You'll Be Mad,"

或者就像 "37只小狗太可愛了，你會瘋掉的"。

and you're like, "I'm already mad!

你就像 "我已經瘋了！"。

Bring it on!" (audience laughs)

帶上它！"（觀眾笑）

(Aparna chuckles)

(Aparna笑著說)

And then I feel like they ran out of all the normal ones

然後我覺得他們把所有正常的都用完了。

and they slowly started getting weirder,

他們慢慢地開始變得更奇怪。

'cause they have to put up 70,000 a day.

因為他們一天要放七萬塊錢。

It's a valuable job.

這是一個有價值的工作。

So you would start getting ones that were a little odd,

所以你會開始得到那些有點奇怪的。

like "51 Burritos Without Makeup."

比如 "51個不化妝的捲餅"。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

"I guess there has to be some airbrushing involved."

"我想，這其中一定有噴繪的成分。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Or it'd be like "300 Ways to Prove You're Real."

或者就像 "證明你是真的300種方法"。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

"Am I real? Hm, better check a hundred of those."

"我是真的嗎？哼，還是查一百個吧。"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I can't wait until they run out of all the weird ones

我不能等到他們把所有奇怪的東西都用完為止

and it just comes back full circle to mundane again,

就這樣又回到了平凡的世界。

and it's just like "The 10 Commandments!"

這就像 "十誡 "一樣!

(audience laughs) (Aparna chuckles)

(觀眾笑) (Aparna笑)

(audience cheers and applauds) (intense hip-hop music)

（觀眾的歡呼聲和掌聲）（強烈的嘻哈音樂）。