And this is the story of how I used to be a one pump chunk That was me finishing.

這就是我以前是如何成為一個泵塊的故事 那是我完成的。

So, you know, through the years I've had some funny sex stories, but I think the best ones are the ones where I've gotten a little bit too excited before.

所以，你知道，通過這些年，我有一些有趣的性故事， 但我認為最好的是那些我已經得到了一個有點太興奮之前。

Literally any touching took place, So just give you like a backstory.

從字面上看，任何觸摸發生， 所以只是給你像一個背景故事。

I'm from Ohio.

我是俄亥俄州人

My dad was super Catholic, super religious.

我爸爸是個超級天主教徒，超級虔誠。

So sex is the king all be all sin.

所以，性是王道，是所有的罪過。

We never talked about it.

我們從來沒有談過這個問題。

He never gave me the talk like, don't have sex.

他從來沒有給我說過，不要做愛這樣的話。

Was the talk so fast?

說話有這麼快嗎？

Forward to middle school?

前進到國中？

All my friends were telling me how they watched porn and beat their meat three times a day.

我所有的朋友都在告訴我，他們是如何看黃片，如何一日三打肉。

And they're like, You do that too?

他們會說，你也這樣做？

Yeah, and I'm like, Yeah, man, Dude is crazy, like, all day, every day, all night, dude.

是啊，我很喜歡，是啊，夥計， 督德是瘋了，喜歡，整天，每天，整夜，夥計。

But in reality, I'd never even done that.

但實際上，我根本就沒做過這些。

I've never watched porn because I didn't have a computer that had Internet, so didn't know what porn Waas didn't know.

我從來沒有看過A片，因為我沒有一臺有網絡的電腦，所以不知道什麼是A片華斯不知道。

What?

什麼？

Jerking off waas Super Catholic.

擼管是超級天主教徒。

That's, you know, the basis of my sexual education and then fast forward to high school senior year.

這就是，你知道，我的性教育的基礎，然後快步走到高三。

I like this growing.

我喜歡這樣的成長。

All these kids were hooking up and I'd never done anything before.

所有這些孩子都在勾心鬥角，而我以前從來沒有做過任何事情。

And we're over at her house when her parents were in the other room.

而我們在她家的時候，她的父母在另一個房間裡。

So I was really nervous.

所以我真的很緊張。

And I knew we were gonna, like, do stuff.

我知道我們是要去，喜歡，做的東西。

And guys keep in mind.

而夥計們要記住。

Like when I was, you know, in these hook up stages, I was nervous to the point where, like, my legs were shaking and like my body heat would go down, I would get freezing and just be so fucking nervous to hang out with Girls were sitting there on the couch, making out and watching TV, and then she's reaching her hands down my pants.

就像當我，你知道，在這些 勾搭階段，我很緊張的地步， 喜歡，我的腿在顫抖，像我的體溫 會下去，我會得到凍結，只是這麼他媽的緊張 掛出與 女孩坐在那裡在沙發上， 親熱，看電視，然後她的 達到她的手在我的褲子。

I'm like, Oh, God through this is fucking crazy.

我想，哦，上帝通過這個是他媽的瘋了。

Like I'm, like, trying to clinch my legs together, something so she doesn't like I don't blow.

就像我一樣，想把我的腿夾在一起，什麼的，所以她不喜歡我不吹。

Then she lip dude fuck, man, She literally guys, I'm not even kidding you.

然後，她的嘴脣紈絝子弟他媽的，男人，她從字面上的傢伙，我什至不跟你開玩笑。

She puts her hand toe go in my pants, doesn't even go in my pants.

她把她的手腳趾頭放進我的褲子裡，甚至不放進我的褲子裡。

Oh, God.

哦，天啊

It's gonna happen is gonna happen.

這是要發生的是要發生的。

She's getting reaching down there.

她的手伸到下面去了。

And I'm like, I stopped her and I literally I creamed my pants, man.

我很喜歡，我阻止了她，我從字面上看，我奶水我的褲子，男人。

Cream.

奶油。

A big load.

一個大的負荷。

How does that?

怎麼會這樣？

I wasn't even touched.

我甚至沒有被碰過。

I pulled her hand back.

我把她的手拉回來。

I'm like, I gotta go to the bathroom, so I run into her bathroom.

我想，我得去洗手間， 所以我跑進她的浴室。

Dad's in the other fucking room.

爸爸在另一個該死的房間裡。

Like what if there's like, a load on my shorts?

如果我的短褲上有東西怎麼辦？

I pulled down my pants.

我把褲子脫了下來。

There it is, man.

就是這樣，夥計。

You guys know what it looks like?

你們知道它是什麼樣子的嗎？

I drive Kleenex.

我開面巾紙。

I rub this stuff off.

我把這東西擦掉。

It's still a little moist and shit, and I'm like, walking out there.

它仍然是一個有點潮溼和狗屎，我喜歡，走在那裡。

It's like, I get back in the room, shut the door, and I'm like, Where were we?

這就像，我回到房間，關上門，我想，我們在哪裡？

How we doing?

你好嗎？

You know, you're readyto last, and she was like, she had no idea, right?

你知道，你已經準備好了，最後， 她很喜歡，她不知道，對不對？

She didn't have any idea that I blew my load.

她根本不知道我吹了我的貨。

Well, maybe she did.

好吧，也許她做到了。

I don't know if you're watching this comment down below, but we start going at it again.

不知道你有沒有看下面這個評論，我們又開始對著幹了。

I'm like, Dude, I've never liked busted a nut twice and like, you know, back to back.

我很喜歡，夥計，我從來沒有喜歡 破獲堅果兩次，像，你知道，背靠背。

That's not possible.

這是不可能的。

Like you need to have that refractory period.

就像你需要有那個耐火期一樣。

You know what I'm saying, E?

你知道我在說什麼嗎，E？

Nope.

不對

Start making out again.

又開始親熱了。

Hand goes down there and your boy just blew his load keep in mind.

手伸到下面去，你的孩子就把他的東西給吹了，記住了。

I'm not even talking sex like I wasn't bringing a condom over anything.

我連性愛都沒說，就像我沒帶套子過什麼一樣。

I'm just trying to get my first BJ.

我只是想得到我的第一個BJ。

Alright?

好嗎？

And plus, yeah, I satisfied her.

還有，是的，我滿足了她。

We'll get that out of the way.

我們會把這個問題解決掉的。

I didn't want to get satisfied.

我不想得到滿足。

Clearly, I'm scarred for life.

很明顯，我這輩子都是傷痕累累。

I'm like Dad.

我就像爸爸一樣。

Fuck you.

去你媽的

You need to tell me about this shit.

你得告訴我這些事

So I stopped her, called the night short, and that was the end of that.

所以我阻止了她，叫了一夜的短，就這樣結束了。

We never actually know what I actually ended up one time getting that that b j don't know why that fucking matters.

我們永遠不知道其實我最後一次得到的是什麼，B J不知道為什麼那他媽的重要。

I don't know, but anyways, the story does not end there.

我不知道，但無論如何，故事不會就此結束。

So I wanted to lose my virginity, this chick, but she didn't want to do it, so I was like, All right, I'm going to college.

所以，我想失去我的童貞，這個小妞， 但她不想這樣做， 所以我想，好吧，我要去上大學。

Graduated high school, Virgin.

高中畢業，處女。

I've seen the movies.

我看過電影

I know what happens in college.

我知道大學裡發生了什麼。

Everyone just Fox.

每個人都只是福克斯。

So I hit up this girl in my neighborhood, right?

所以我就在我的小區裡搭訕這個女孩，對吧？

She was the great below me, and I was like, Hey, look, I'm going to college this year.

她是我下面的佼佼者，我當時想，嘿，你看，我今年要上大學了。

You're a virgin.

你是一個處女。

I'm a virgin.

我是一個處女。

How about we don't be virgins and she's like, I'm down?

不如我們不做處女，她說："我願意"？

Obviously we're both very nervous.

很明顯，我們都很緊張。

Me especially nervous because I'm the one pump chump without even doing a pump.

我特別緊張，因為我是一個連泵都沒做過的泵友。

So I have her over.

所以我讓她過來了。

I think it was after school one day, and we're in the basement, right?

我想是有一天放學後，我們在地下室，對嗎？

I pull out the condom, I put the condom on, I go and we're going to hook up and stuff, and I put it in, and she's like, Oh, e like, what's wrong?

我拿出保險套，我把保險套上，我去，我們要去勾搭什麼的，我把它放在，她的樣子，哦，E喜歡，怎麼了？

What's wrong?

怎麼了？

She's like, It hurts.

她說："很痛。

It hurts.

疼啊

Okay, let me pull it out.

好吧，讓我把它拉出來。

Pull it out, Dude, My fuckin to you.

把它拉出來，夥計，我他媽的給你。

I pulled it out and I fucking finished in the condom.

我把它拔出來，我他媽的在套子裡完成。

Like how the fuck, bro?

就像如何他媽的，兄弟？

I put it in one fucking time one time, like there was no foreplay.

我把它在一個他媽的一次，就像沒有前戲。

Like we're going straight to sex, man.

就像我們要直接去做愛，男人。

We didn't even really make out and shit were so nervous.

我們甚至沒有真正做出來，狗屎是如此緊張。

So I'm like, Oh, it hurt.

所以我想，哦，它傷害。

Maybe we should wait till next time.

也許我們應該等到下一次。

Let's let's just take our time.

我們還是慢慢來吧。

Like we don't have to hurry, you know, we have all summer.

就像我們不必著急，你知道，我們有整個夏天。

She's like, Yeah, that's cool.

她說，是啊，這很酷。

OK, so we sat there, we watched the movie, So there we go, uh, to hook up.

好吧，我們坐在那裡，我們看了電影，所以我們去，呃，勾搭。

Another time.

下次吧

She picked me up in her car and we, like, drove to this dark ass street.

她用她的車接了我，然後我們就開到了這條黑乎乎的街上。

And I didn't last long yet again.

而我又沒有堅持多久。

Uh, that continued several several times.

呃，這持續了好幾次。

I would love to have her on here, actually to tell her story because I feel like I gave her the worst sex of her life.

我很想讓她來這裡，其實是為了講述她的故事，因為我覺得我給了她一生中最糟糕的性愛。

But then we end up going to the same college.

但最後我們還是上了同一所大學。

Then all through college we would hook up and I started to get better, But I still sucked.

然後整個大學期間，我們會勾搭，我開始變得更好，但我還是很爛。

So later in college, I'm on tinder, I'm swiping away.

所以後來大學的時候，我在火柴上，我在刷屏。

I'm trying to get my body counter e meet this girl and I went to hook up with her.

我想讓我的身體反e遇到這個女孩，我去勾搭她。

The same fucking thing happened.

同樣的事情發生了。

It was like a three pump chump this time.

這次就像一個三抽的笨蛋。

And she was like, Are you fucking kidding me?

她說，你他媽的在開玩笑吧？

Like that's it.

就像這樣

Um, I'm sorry.

嗯，我很抱歉。

Like I don't know what to tell you.

就像我不知道該怎麼跟你說一樣。

This has never happened before.

這種情況以前從未發生過。

She literally told me to fucking leave.

她真的讓我他媽的離開。

And that's what I was afraid of.

而這正是我所擔心的。

And for you girl that did that.

而對於你這個女孩來說，這樣做。

Fuck you.

去你媽的

Because guys are insecure about that shit, okay?

因為男人們對這些東西都沒有安全感，好嗎？

And they sit there, and sometimes they cry at home by themselves with their dick in their hand because they're like Why won't I fucking last long?

他們坐在那裡，有時他們會自己在家哭，手裡拿著雞巴，因為他們想為什麼我他媽的堅持不了多久？

Fuck you.

去你媽的

Then fast forward.

然後快進。

Through college, I moved to Los Angeles, where there's a plethora of good looking females here.

通過大學的學習，我搬到了洛杉磯，這裡有很多好看的女性。

And I wasn't worried about what people would think of me.

我也不擔心別人會怎麼看我。

I think I got, like, a fresh start, and I got confidence in myself.

我想我得到了一樣，一個全新的開始， 我對自己有信心。

And I'm like, Okay, cool.

我想，好吧，酷。

No one here is gonna judge me like there's hope for you guys.

這裡沒有人會像你們有希望一樣來評判我。

If you if you're a one pump chump like I was, you know, just just breathe is not like the end of the world that you don't last long, but to wrap things up, I actually it was maybe a year or two ago I got a Venmo request, and I don't really use Venmo much.

如果你如果你是像我這樣的一抽一泵笨蛋，你知道，只是呼吸是不是像世界末日，你不持續很長時間，但總結一下，我其實這是也許一年或兩年前，我得到了一個Venmo請求，我真的不怎麼使用Venmo。

I was like, It was from the girl that I lost her virginity to.

我當時想，這是我失去貞操的那個女孩給我的。

It requested $50.

它要求50美元。

And then it said What for?

然後它說為什麼？

And it said, taking my virginity All I was worth was $50.

它說，奪走我的貞操，我只值50元。

12 I didn't pay it because that's prostitution.

12我沒有付錢，因為那是賣淫。