I know.

我知道，我知道

You never get a dick pick when you're expecting one.

當你在期待的時候，你永遠不會得到一個雞巴挑。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

It's never like you're checking your inbox,

從來不像你在檢查你的收件箱。

like where the hell is that cock?

像哪裡是地獄的公雞？

It was supposed to be here four have hours ago.

四個小時前就該到了。

(hip hop music)

(嘻哈音樂)

Maybe only me does this,

也許只有我這樣做。

but I like to look at people's Facebook pages regularly

但我喜歡經常看別人的Facebook頁面。

and just judge the dumb shit they post on Facebook

並只是判斷他們在Facebook上發佈的啞巴狗屎。

because it makes me feel like a better person.

因為它讓我覺得自己是個更好的人。

What I've been doing lately is

我最近在做的是

I'll just take a picture of someone status

我就拍張某人的狀態照片吧

and then I mail it out to my other friends.

然後我把它寄給我的其他朋友。

I'm like, look what this dickhead just put on Facebook

我想，看看這個白痴剛在Facebook上放了什麼？

and then I go back to bed.

然後我就回去睡覺了。

I'm like, I've judged someone,

我很喜歡，我已經判斷一個人。

I think I've done enough for the day.

我想我今天已經做得夠多了。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I think a lot of people don't know what Facebook is,

我想很多人都不知道Facebook是什麼。

I think that's the problem.

我想這就是問題所在。

I think some people think that Facebook

我覺得有些人認為，Facebook

is some sort of a God

是某種神

that you tell your darkest secrets to every hour.

你每時每刻都在告訴你最黑暗的祕密。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

(audience applauding)

(觀眾鼓掌)

They're like, finally I found an all encompassing space

他們就像，我終於找到了一個包羅萬象的空間。

so I can litter my most confusing and personal thoughts

這樣我就可以把我最困惑的和個人的想法亂七八糟地寫在上面

through out the day.

整天都是如此。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

It's never the people you think either.

也絕不是你想的那些人。

I became friends with my accountant.

我和我的會計成了朋友。

He seems like a reasonable man.

他看起來是個通情達理的人。

I've been looking at his statuses

我一直在看他的狀態

and I think he's in a real dark place right now.

我認為他現在正處於一個真正的黑暗的地方。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

His last status was just, I've never felt so alone

他最後的狀態只是，我從來沒有感到如此孤獨。

and furious in my entire life.

和憤怒的我的一生。

I'm like, Jesus Christ, Russel.

我想，耶穌基督，羅素。

Are you sure you can handle my 2015 returns?

你確定你能處理我2015年的申報嗎？

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Then a few hours later there'll be

然後幾個小時後就會有

a picture of some pasta that he ate.

他吃的一些麵食的照片。

I'm like, okay, he's stabilized.

我想，好吧，他已經穩定下來了。

Thank God.

謝天謝地

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I think a lot of people really think

我想很多人真的認為

that they're gifting people

他們是在給人們送禮

with their daily Facebook thoughts.

與他們每天在Facebook上的想法。

They really think they're stepping up onto

他們真的以為自己是站在了...

some sort of Facebook balcony

臉書陽臺

just dolling this brilliance out to all the peasants

只不過是在向所有的農民們炫耀這一點而已。

like they're some sort of a lord.

就像他們是某種主。

Like here you are, you're welcome peasants.

像你這樣的，歡迎農民。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Now you know how to think.

現在你知道如何思考了吧。

I'll lead you.

我帶你們去。

It's always some pointless bullshit too.

也總是一些毫無意義的廢話。

There's this one guy and his Facebook statuses infuriate me.

有一個人和他的Facebook狀態激怒了我。

His last status, he just wrote, we need to put an end

他的最後一條狀態，他剛寫道，我們需要結束。

to genocide once and for all, people.

一勞永逸地進行種族滅絕，人民。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

That's what he gave us.

這就是他給我們的。

I'm like, thank you so much

我很喜歡，謝謝你這麼多

for your controversial stance on genocide.

因為你對種族滅絕的爭議性立場。

I was staunchly pro genocide

我是堅決支持種族滅絕的

before I read your shattering Facebook expose.

在我讀到你的臉譜網爆料之前，我就知道了。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

He has no idea I'm in this rage cycle

他不知道我在這個憤怒的循環中

with his Facebook page.

與他的Facebook頁面。

Every morning I get up,

每天早上我都會起床。

I don't even remember how I know him.

我甚至不記得我是怎麼認識他的。

I think we might have worked at a pizza place together

我想我們可能在一家披薩店工作過。

when I was like, 15.

當我喜歡，15。

Now literally every morning I leap to his page

現在每天早上我都會跳到他的網頁上。

before even brushing my teeth.

在我刷牙之前

I'm like, what the fuck is it now, Kevin?

我想，現在到底是什麼情況，凱文？

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I just broke up with this guy recently, it's probably good.

我最近剛和這個人分手，可能是好事。

We would fight a lot.

我們會經常吵架。

One of our big fights was he would get mad at me

我和他吵架的時候，他就會對我發火。

'cause I like to joke immediately after sex.

因為我喜歡在做愛後馬上開玩笑。

I just feel like it's a good time for some jokes.

我只是覺得這是個開玩笑的好時機。

I don't think there needs to be

我不認為需要有

any gentle gazing period after sex.

性愛後任何溫柔的凝視期。

I don't like to do any soft gazing.

我不喜歡做任何柔和的凝視。

I just feel like sex is done and now it's joke time.

我只是覺得性愛已經結束了，現在是開玩笑的時間。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I like to throw change on a man after sex,

我喜歡在做愛後給男人扔零錢。

that's very funny to me personally.

這是非常有趣的我個人。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I just like to take some coins and toss them

我只是喜歡拿一些硬幣來扔掉它

on his dumb, naked post sex man body

在他的啞巴，赤裸裸的性愛後的男人身體上

and say something like, less is more outta you.

並說一些類似的東西，少就是多出你。

You take those coins and you keep your mouth shut

你拿著這些錢，卻不說出來。

about what's happened in this room, all right?

關於發生在這個房間裡的事情，好嗎？

Because what happened right here is disgusting.

因為發生在這裡的事情是令人厭惡的。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

You should go out and buy yourself something special

你應該出去給自己買點特別的東西

because you're beautiful.

因為你很美

I also like to pretend like the guy tricked me into the sex.

我還喜歡裝作是那個男人騙我上床的樣子。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Like the moment it's done, I'm just slowly realizing

就像做完的那一刻，我才慢慢意識到一樣

it's all been a big ruse.

這都是一個大詭計。

I'm kind of obsessed with those old films from the 40s,

我有點迷戀40年代的那些老電影。

so the moment sex is done I like to be like,

所以做愛的那一刻，我喜歡這樣。

well I don't understand what that all had to do

我不明白這有什麼關係？

with helping the children.

與幫助孩子。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

You said if we did all them awful things

你說如果我們做了那些可怕的事

those children would get their cure for polio.

這些孩子會得到他們的治癒 小兒麻痺症。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

It was all a lie, wasn't it?

這一切都是謊言，不是嗎？

Those children are no better

那些孩子也沒有好到哪裡去

for the Godless things I've done in this room, are they?

為我在這間屋子裡做的那些無神的事，是嗎？

It was a big lie and now look at me laying here

這是個彌天大謊，現在看我躺在這裡的樣子。

all covered in sin.

都被罪惡覆蓋。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I just feel like the right guy

我只是覺得自己是對的人

is gonna be like, hey listen up sugar tits.

是要去像， 嘿，聽好了糖山雀，

Those children never had a Goddamn chance.

那些孩子從來沒有一個該死的機會。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

They are mangled with polio as we speak.

在我們說話的時候，他們已經被小兒麻痺症折磨得體無完膚。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Now clean yourself up for Christ's sake.

看在上帝的份上，現在把自己清理乾淨吧。

I'm a very lazy person,

我是一個很懶的人。

I don't know if any of you guys are lazy?

不知道你們有沒有人偷懶？

Thank you.

謝謝你了

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I am, I wake up around 12:00 or 1:00

我是，我大約在12點或1點左右醒來

and I still feel as if I can't quite hurl myself

但我還是覺得自己不能完全投入

immediately into the day.

馬上進入一天的時間。

I try to do something slow that establishes confidence

我嘗試做一些緩慢的事情，建立信心

like I'll watch The Fabulous Life of 50 Cent.

就像我會看《50分的精彩人生》一樣。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

The other day I Was laying around the house

有一天，我躺在房子周圍。

and I found one of many roommate's pornos.

我找到了許多室友的A片之一。

It was really weird.

這真的很奇怪。

It was actually called Deep Inside Rachel's Rear.

其實它的名字叫《深陷瑞秋的後方》。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

That's right.

是的

It was very confusing for me

對我來說，這是非常混亂的

not just because my name's Rachel,

不只是因為我叫瑞秋

but there's almost something a little too enchanting

但有一點太過妖嬈

about that title.

關於這個標題。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

It sounds like the beginning

這聽起來像一個開始

of an old Welsh children's novel.

威爾士兒童小說的一個古老的。

Deep inside Rachel's rear in a land far away.

深入瑞秋的後方，在一個遙遠的國度。

Where there are plenty of nooks and crannies to hide in.

哪裡有很多犄角旮旯可以藏身。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

And wonderment around every corner.

每一個角落都有奇蹟。

The thing with me and porno is I don't get offended by porn,

我和A片的關係是，我不會被A片冒犯。

I just have a hard time getting lost in it

我只是很難在其中迷失方向而已

the way I can in some other feature films.

我可以在其他一些劇情片中的方式。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

The women always seem very annoyed to me in most pornos.

在大多數A片中，女人總是讓我覺得很煩。

They make the same noises I make

他們發出的聲音和我一樣

when I have to move furniture.

當我要移動傢俱時。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

(audience applauding)

(觀眾鼓掌)

Like, oh God, oh, come on.

像，哦，上帝，哦，來吧。

Give it to me, oh.

把它給我，哦。

You can put it anywhere, go ahead.

你可以把它放在任何地方，去吧。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

It's okay if you stain, it's used.

染色也沒關係，是用過的。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Or when they do this thing,

或者當他們做這件事的時候。

they always look back at the guy.

他們總是回頭看那個傢伙。

Like all of a sudden they're having second thoughts.

就像突然間他們有了第二個想法。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I find that very confusing.

我覺得很困惑。

They always act like they're a little angry,

他們總是表現得好像有點生氣。

maybe a little resentful someone's screwing them.

也許是有點怨恨有人在搞他們。

Like oh yeah, huh?

像哦，是啊，是吧？

You gonna (beep) it?

你要去（嗶）它？

Yeah.

是啊。

I got a dick pick recently.

我最近得到了一個雞巴挑。

I know.

我知道，我知道

You never get a dick pick when you're expecting one.

當你在期待的時候，你永遠不會得到一個雞巴挑。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

it's never like you're checking your inbox.

它永遠不會像你檢查你的收件箱。

Like where the hell is that cock?

就像那根雞巴到底在哪裡？

It was supposed to be here four hours ago.

四小時前就該到了。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

That's why dick picks are hilarious.

所以挑雞巴才會熱鬧。

They're just very jarring.

他們只是很刺眼。

Just this rogue dick in the middle of your day.

只是這個流氓傢伙在你的一天中。

It's foolish.

這是愚蠢的。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I was just looking at a beautiful tree

我只是在看一棵美麗的樹

and then I saw it come in.

然後我看到它進來了。

I'm like, oh dear, there's a cock.

我想，哦，親愛的，有一個公雞。

It just snaps you back into things.

它只是把你打回原形。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I think they're hilarious

我覺得他們很搞笑

because they're just so unnecessary.

因為他們只是如此不必要的。

We already know the dick is there

我們已經知道老二在那裡

if we choose to call upon it.

如果我們選擇召喚它。

We don't need a dirty little reminder.

我們不需要一個骯髒的小提醒。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Guys always look very stern for some reason

不知道為什麼，男人總是看起來很嚴厲

whenever they send dick picks, they get very serious.

每當他們發送的傢伙挑， 他們得到非常嚴重。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I don't know why you have to look like a principle

我不知道為什麼你要看起來像個原則性的人。

while you're holding your dumb dick.

當你拿著你的啞巴，

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

That tool was just standing there

那個工具就站在那裡

just really letting me know I was in trouble.

只是真的讓我知道我有麻煩了。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

It's different for you guys.

這對你們來說是不同的。

If you get a picture of a naked woman, that's exciting.

如果你拍到一張裸體女人的照片，那才叫刺激。

It means something important.

這意味著一些重要的事情。

It means that you might be inside of her soon.

這意味著，你可能很快就會進入她的體內。

It's good news.

這是個好消息

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

But we already know that dick is there,

但我們已經知道那個傢伙在那裡。

it's always just littered about.

它總是隻是亂七八糟的。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

The street is littered with dicks.

街上到處都是雞巴。

That's what I'm gonna call this special, by the way,

順便說一句，這就是我要叫這個特別節目的原因。

just the street is littered with dicks.

只是街上到處都是迪克斯。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Dick isn't important.

迪克並不重要

That's why you can never use dick as an excuse.

這就是為什麼你永遠不能用雞巴作為藉口。

If you called up your friend

如果你打電話給你的朋友

and you were late to his birthday dinner or something

你在他的生日晚宴上遲到了還是怎麼的？

you could be like, dude, I'm really sorry I'm late

你可以像，夥計，我真的很抱歉，我遲到了。

but I think I'm gonna get some pussy

但我想我會得到一些貓咪

and he would understand.

他就會明白。

If I called up my friend

如果我打電話給我的朋友

on some important occasion in her life

生前

some moment that she needed me to be there for her

某一刻，她需要我在她身邊。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

and I was like listen,

我很喜歡聽。

I don't know if I'm gonna be able to make it tonight.

我不知道我今晚能不能去。

It looks like I might be able to get my hands on some dick.

看起來我可能會得到我的手在一些傢伙。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

She would be like, the street is littered with dicks.

她會說，街上到處都是雞巴。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

(hip hop music)

(嘻哈音樂)

(audience applauding)

(觀眾鼓掌)