like on a first date, is kiss.

就像第一次約會一樣，是吻。

That's first base,

那是一壘。

but now first base is like (beep).

但現在一壘就像（嗶）。

That's more appropriate.

這樣比較合適。

(laughing)

（笑）

(upbeat music)

(歡快的音樂)

- Hey guys, welcome to "Stir Crazy,"

- 嘿，夥計們，歡迎來到 "瘋狂攪拌"。

or as my mom refers to it,

或者像我媽說的那樣

that show where you talk to people I don't know.

你跟我不認識的人說話的那個節目。

Well, mom, my guest today is a world renowned roaster,

好了，媽媽，今天我的嘉賓是一位世界著名的烘焙師。

podcaster and stand up comedian.

播客和脫口秀演員。

It's the nicest meanest lady in the business.

是這個行業裡最善良的卑鄙女人。

It's Nikki Glaser.

我是Nikki Glaser

- Oh, hello,

- 哦，你好。

Nicest meanest, that, that,

最漂亮的意思，那，那。

that feels right.

這感覺是正確的。

- You don't want the reverse.

- 你不想要反面的。

You don't want the meanest nicest person,

你不想要最卑鄙的好人。

or else then you're then you're Ellen DeGeneres, I guess.

否則的話，那麼你是... ...你是艾倫・德傑尼勒斯，我猜。

(laughing)

（笑）

- Yeah, I pride myself on trying to be nice.

- 是啊，我為自己能對人好而感到自豪。

- You're talking to me from the show business capital

- 你是在跟我說話嗎？ 你是在娛樂圈的首都嗎？

of the world, your parents' house in St. Louis.

你父母在聖路易斯的房子。

- Yeah.

- 是啊。

Yeah.

是啊。

- How crazy exciting is it right now?

- 現在有多瘋狂刺激？

What's the level of madness at Chay Glaser?

Chay Glaser的瘋狂程度如何？

- It's funny, 'cause my friend just sent me an article

- 這很有趣，因為我的朋友剛給我發了一篇文章。

that was said that 52%

據說，52%的人

of young adults are currently living with their parents.

目前與父母同住的年輕成年人；

And I was like, yes.

我當時想，是的。

And then I looked up what young adults were,

然後我查了一下什麼是年輕人。

and I've aged out of that by seven years.

而我已經老了七歲。

It's just kind of sweet, man.

這只是一種甜蜜的，男人。

I don't have a husband,

我沒有丈夫

I don't have kids,

我沒有孩子

I don't have a family of my own.

我沒有自己的家庭。

My parents are pretty awesome.

我的父母都很厲害。

They're extremely happy with my six.

他們對我的六個人非常滿意。

I mean, I didn't put those up,

我的意思是，我沒有把這些了。

these posters,

這些海報。

they celebrate me.

他們慶祝我。

So I'm kind of in like my own Planet Hollywood,

所以，我有點像我自己的好萊塢星球。

but it's like all of my memorabilia,

但它就像我所有的紀念品。

ultimately reminding me of what I used to be.

最終讓我想起了我的過去。

- You're always very open about dating, about your sex life.

- 你對約會和性生活總是很開放

Obviously these are weird times.

很明顯，現在是個奇怪的時代。

Have you changed your expectations

你是否改變了你的期望

given where you're at now?

鑑於你現在的處境？

Are you like I'm cool with just like,

你像我一樣，我很酷，只是喜歡。

this is a pause.

這是一個暫停。

- Dating right now is completely on pause.

- 現在的約會完全處於暫停狀態。

And yeah, it's weird being in St. Louis.

是的，在聖路易斯是很奇怪的。

When I lived in Los Angeles and New York,

當我住在洛杉磯和紐約的時候。

I was on the celebrity dating app.

我上過名人約會應用。

- Like on Riot in St. Louis

- 就像在聖路易斯的暴動一樣

it's like you and John Hamm and like Abby Cohen,

就像你和約翰-漢姆，還有艾比-科恩一樣。

like this is like it's over.

像這樣就像結束了。

- Yeah, it's not,

- 是的，它不是。

John Hamm's not even in town,

約翰-漢姆根本就不在鎮上

believe me I've been looking.

相信我，我一直在尋找。

(laughing)

（笑）

- Did you happen to see,

- 你有沒有看到。

I noticed there was an article,

我注意到有一篇文章。

like a Canadian doctor said that sex during COVID,

像加拿大醫生說，性愛期間COVID。

they would recommend wearing a mask and no kissing?

他們會建議戴上口罩，不要接吻？

- Oh, wow.

- 哦，哇。

- What do you think?

- 你覺得呢？

- Okay.

- 好吧，我知道了

Yeah, that,

是啊，那。

that could actually be good

不失為一件好事

because it would be easier to pretend he's someone else.

因為這樣可以更容易地假裝他是別人。

Even listening to

甚至聽

the song "WAP," you know, she goes,

歌曲 "WAP"，你知道，她去。

spit in my mouth,

吐在我嘴裡。

and I go Cardi.

而我去了Cardi。

Like the rest of that song is like filthy,

像其餘的歌曲就像骯髒的。

but that's the line where I'm like, (gasping sound),

但這是行，我喜歡，（喘氣聲）。

you can't do that right now.

你不能這樣做，現在。

I mean, and kissing is so intimate,

我的意思是，和親吻是如此親密。

it's kind of disgusting.

這是一種令人厭惡的。

So I guess I'm okay with that.

所以我想我可以接受。

- The good news is that the same Canadian doctor,

- 好消息是，同為加拿大醫生。

I think, has said that glory holes are okay.

我想，已經說過，榮耀洞是可以的。

I'm totally being serious.

我完全是認真的。

- That checks out because it does seem ridiculous.

- 這檢查出來，因為它確實看起來很可笑。

Like the most innocent thing you can do in a relationship

就像你在一段關係中能做的最純真的事情一樣。

like on a first date is kiss.

就像在第一次約會是吻。

Like that's first base.

就像那是一壘。

But now first base is like eating ass.

但現在一壘就像吃屁股一樣。

Like that's more appropriate.

好像這樣更合適。

- So I like to play a little game

- 所以我喜歡玩一個小遊戲

we call Quaranteam.

我們稱其為Quaranteam。

I'm gonna name a friend of yours, an associate you,

我要給你的一個朋友起個名字，一個你的同事。

you tell me if you want them in the bunker with you,

你告訴我，如果你想讓他們和你一起在地堡裡。

if you want them on your quaranteam in these times.

如果你想在這個時代讓他們在你的配額上。

- Got it.

- 我知道了

- Okay.

- 好吧，我知道了

The great Joe Rogan, podcaster, comedian.

偉大的喬-羅根，播客，喜劇演員。

Do you want Joe in on the quaranteam?

你想讓Joe加入到擔保人的行列嗎？

- Yeah dude.

- 是啊，夥計。

Joe Rogan's like a survivalist.

喬-羅根就像一個生存主義者。

He is emotionally equipped to handle stressful situations,

他在情感上有能力處理緊張的情況。

and he's rich as fuck.

他是有錢的，因為他媽的。

So his bunker is going to be sweet.

所以他的碉堡會很甜蜜。

- Your friend and buddy Whitney Cummings.

- 你的朋友和好友惠特尼-卡明斯。

Do you want Whitney on the Quaranteam?

你想讓惠特尼上 "誇蘭特 "嗎？

- She's a lot,

- 她是很多。

and then she would even say that,

然後她甚至會說。

and I'm a lot too.

而我也是很多。

It's like too much of a lotness together,

這就像太多的一起。

but she's also someone,

但她也是一個人。

yes, okay, Whitney, I need her

是的，好吧，惠特尼，我需要她。

because she is emotionally more wise than I am.

因為她在感情上比我更有智慧。

And also she's rich as fuck.

而且她還很有錢

- (laughing) I'm noticing a theme here.

- （笑）我注意到一個主題在這裡。

- Come on the bunker would be amazing, so yeah.

- 來碉堡會很神奇，所以是。

- T. Swift, Taylor Swift.

- T. Swift, Taylor Swift.

- Yes, Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

- 是，是，是，是，是，是，是。

Oh my God yes.

哦，我的上帝，是的。

I mean, I just got so excited like that could even happen.

我的意思是，我只是得到了這樣的興奮 就像這甚至可能發生。

- Just to be clear, it's not gonna happen, Nikki.

- 先說清楚，這是不可能的，尼基。

I don't wanna give you false hope.

我不想給你虛假的希望。

- I know.

- 我知道，我知道

I just want to be friends with her and get to know her.

我只是想和她做朋友，瞭解她。

And I do actually think we'd get along very well

我覺得我們會相處得很好的

and have a good time.

並有一個很好的時間。

And I would give her her space to create,

而我也會給她創造的空間。

and she would probably very much influence me artistically.

她可能會在藝術上對我產生很大的影響。

So I feel like I'd come out

所以我覺得自己會出來

of the experience a better person.

的經驗，一個更好的人。

And I feel like the only way that I can actually

我覺得只有這樣，我才能真正地

become friends with her is if she were forced to be.

與她成為朋友是如果她被迫。

And so, yes.

所以，是的。

Yes.

是的，我知道

- A lot of great friendships

- 很多美好的友誼

have happened that way, I'm sure.

我敢肯定，已經發生了這樣的事情。

Last one for you.

最後一個給你。

Leonardo DiCaprio.

萊昂納多-迪卡普里奧。

Do you want to be in a bunker with Leonardo DiCaprio?

你想和萊昂納多-迪卡普里奧在一個地堡裡嗎？

He is rich as fuck, I have to say that.

他是個有錢人，我不得不說。

- Rich as fuck.

- 富得流油

I would say no 'cause he would,

我會說不，因為他會的。

he would be so grossed out

他一定會覺得噁心

that I'm in my 30's that I would be,

我在我30歲的時候，我會。

I would constantly feel not good enough.

我會一直覺得自己不夠好。

Well, if we're in a bunker together

好吧，如果我們一起在一個地堡裡

he might have to just accept the fact that

他可能不得不接受這樣的事實

I'm all he's got. - This is what he's got.

我是他的全部。- 這就是他所擁有的。

- Okay, yes because that's the only way

- 好吧，是的，因為那是唯一的辦法。

I will ever be able to sleep with Leo.

我將永遠能夠和獅子座一起睡覺。

So yes, yes, definitely.

所以，是的，是的，肯定的。

Because I think that'd be the only way.

因為我覺得那是唯一的辦法。

He's older than me.

他比我大。

Can I just put that out there?

我可以把它說出來嗎？

- Much older, much older than you, by the way.

- 對了，比你大得多，大得多。

- I know.

- 我知道，我知道

But it doesn't feel that way.

但感覺不是這樣的。

- We talked a little bit about your experience

- 我們聊了一下你的經歷

roasting, obviously.

烘烤，顯然。

On the Comedy Central Roasts,

在喜劇中心的烤。

you're always amazing on those.

你總是驚人的那些。

And I got to think that sometimes

我覺得有時候

when you're at that dais

當你在那個臺子上

and you're delivering some of those,

而你卻在送一些這樣的東西。

often they're people you don't even know well, or at all.

往往他們是你甚至不知道的人，或者根本不知道。

Is there one joke in particular you remember saying

有沒有一個笑話你記得特別說過

I have to do this, but this is gonna be hard for me?

我必須這樣做，但這對我來說會很困難？

- When I roasted Caitlin Jenner,

- 當我把凱特琳-詹納烤熟的時候。

I think that was the most terrified

我想那是最可怕的

I have ever been to roast someone

我曾經去過烤人

because she had kind of caught wind

因為她已經得到了一種風

of some jokes that I was doing before the roast

我在烤肉前講的一些笑話的內容

that she did not want to be done,

她不想被做。

like about something totally different

別有洞天

than what you would think,

比你想象的要好。

so I felt mortified.

所以我感到羞愧。

And I was like oh no she thinks that I'm

我當時想，哦，不，她認為，我是

just like so cruel,

就像如此殘忍。

and she's not gonna laugh at anything I say.

我說什麼她都不會笑的

And then I got up there,

然後我就上去了

and the whole time I was up there, she was the best.

我在上面的時候，她是最好的。

The whole time she was just like

整個過程中，她就像

you're right, I was a bad father.

你是對的，我是個壞父親。

She was just like,

她就像。

kept going like this to me,

一直這樣對我。

and was like you.

並和你一樣。

She was just the biggest champion up there

她只是最大的冠軍在那裡

of whatever I was doing.

的任何我在做。

And she couldn't have been nicer.

而她的態度再好不過了。

So my fear of her was misplaced.

所以我對她的恐懼是錯誤的。

Whereas there are other people that I've roasted

而有其他人，我已經烤了

that were not as friendly after the set.

的，在套路之後就不那麼友好了。

- I've got some provocative

- 我有一些挑釁性的

would you rathers for you, Nikki.

你會為你的父親，尼基。

You ready?

準備好了嗎？

Would you rather spend the rest of quarantine alone

你願意一個人度過剩下的隔離期嗎？

or living with your least favorite ex?

還是和你最不喜歡的前男友住在一起？

- I would say, I would say least favorite ex.

- 我想說，我最不喜歡的前任。

I'm trying to think of who's my least favorite.

我在想誰是我最不喜歡的人。

- Accessing memory of exes.

- 訪問前輩的記憶。

- Must go through Rolodex.

- 一定要通過勞力士。

I mean I haven't had that many exes.

我的意思是我沒有那麼多前男友。

Oh wait, he's dead.

哦，等等，他已經死了。

- Okay.

- 好吧，我知道了

- Okay.

- 好吧，我知道了

- Let's go to the next question.

- 讓我們進入下一個問題。

- Yeah, okay.

- 是啊，好吧。

- Would you rather have Dwayne Johnson's arms or calves?

- 你寧願要德維恩-約翰遜的胳膊還是小腿？

- So my legs would be like my regular thigh, but his calves?

- 所以我的腿會像我的普通大腿，但他的小腿？

- Yeah it's a little bit more freakish,

- 是的，這是一個有點更怪異。

a little weirder.

有點怪異。

- Yeah that's weird.

- 是啊，這很奇怪。

- Although his ginormous arms on you

- 雖然他的巨臂在你身上

might not be (indistinct).

可能不是（緲）。

- I would take the calves,

- 我會帶著小牛。

and then I would get my legs amputated.

然後，我會得到我的腿截肢。

- Okay.

- 好吧，我知道了

We can make that happen.

我們可以做到這一點。

I'll get, my people will get back to your people.

我會得到，我的人會回到你的人。

This one might be tough, I think.

我想，這個可能很難。

Would you rather never do stand up again

你寧願永遠不做站立

or never have sex again?

還是再也不做愛了？

- Wait, like sex as in like any kind of sex?

- 等等，像做愛一樣，像任何一種性愛？

- I not Bill Clinton,

- 我不是比爾-克林頓。

I'm not gonna define which levels of sex...

我不會定義哪種程度的性... ...

(laughing)

（笑）

- Well, I mean, I really,

- 嗯，我的意思是，我真的。

I would definitely say never do stand up again

我一定會說再也不做站立了

because I've achieved everything

因為我已經取得了一切

I've wanted to with stand up for the most part.

我一直想與站起來的大部分。

I still have a lot more to say,

我還有很多話要說。

and would like to keep going,

並想繼續走下去。

but I haven't achieved everything

但我還沒有完全實現

I wanted to sexually at all, not even close.

我想性一點也不差。

- Because I'm a journalist I should follow up.

- 因為我是記者，我應該跟進。

So what are the sex goals exactly?

那麼，性目標到底是什麼？

What's the Mount Everest of sex you're trying to climb?

你想攀登的性愛珠峰是什麼？

- Having sex with someone who will love me

- 和愛我的人做愛

for a long time,

長久以來。

and who I love back.

和我愛的人回來。

Like having that kind of,

喜歡有那種。

like intimacy, like having actual

像親密關係，像有實際

loving sex with someone, which, you know,

愛與人做愛，這，你知道的。

I've had it before, but did I?

我以前吃過，但我吃過嗎？

- Anyway.

- 總之...

would you rather have your parents know

寧願讓父母知道

every time you're having sex,

每次你在做愛的時候。

or know every time your parents are having sex?

或知道你父母每次做愛的時間？

- Ugh, both those are terrible.

- 呃，這兩個都很可怕。

Well, I do know every time my parents are having sex

好吧，我知道每次我父母做愛的時候

because they go to their cabin in the woods

因為他們去他們的小屋在樹林裡。

for a couple of days.

幾天的時間。

And so that whole time

是以，整個時間

I just know that that's what they're doing.