Welcome to a late show.

歡迎來到晚間節目。

I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

我是你們的主持人，斯蒂芬・科爾伯特。

Folks, after a four year national nightmare, we all just want to move on with not being able to move at all because of the pandemic.

各位，在經歷了四年的全國性噩夢之後，我們都只想繼續前進，因為疫情而無法動彈。

But we've still got a few loose ends from the last administration we've got to clear up, like inciting a murderous mob to attack the Congress and overthrow democracy.

但我們還有一些上屆政府的遺留問題需要解決 比如煽動殺人的暴徒 攻擊國會，推翻民主制度

Just bits and bobs, you know, dust.

只是一些零碎的東西，你知道，灰塵。

Bust it.

破壞它。

I'll give you the latest in tonight's Don and the Giant Impeach to go fast were furious.

我給大家介紹一下今晚唐和巨人彈劾的最新情況，要快去的都很憤怒。

Oh, blank.

哦，空白。

It's pretty disgusting, right?

很噁心吧？

Last night, House impeachment managers deliver the article of impeachment to the Senate, although it's so fresh, it's where it's not delivery.

昨晚，眾議院彈劾管理人員將彈劾文章交付給參議院，雖然很新鮮，但這是不交付的地方。

It's dis addition.

這是個加法

Once they got to the Senate floor, the single charge was laid out by impeachment manager and guy Who's Carpet is the drapes.

一到參議院，單項指控由彈劾經理和誰的地毯是窗簾的傢伙提出。

Jamie Raskin and Congressman Raskin did not mince words.

傑米-拉斯金和眾議員拉斯金毫不吝嗇。

Donald John Trump engaged in high crimes and misdemeanors by inciting violence against the government of the United States.

唐納德-約翰-特朗普通過煽動對美國政府的暴力，參與了重罪和輕罪。

Section three of the 14th Amendment of the Constitution prohibits any person who has quote engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the United States.

憲法第14條修正案第三條規定，禁止任何人引用從事叛亂或反叛美國。

from holding any office under the United States.

在美國擔任任何職務；

Thank you.

謝謝你了

When you incite insurrection against your own government, you don't get to hold office again.

當你煽動起義反對自己的政府時，你就不能再擔任公職了。

That's why, after the Civil War, Confederate President Jefferson Davis had to get a job.

這就是為什麼南北戰爭後，聯邦總統傑斐遜-戴維斯要找工作的原因。

But Best Buy now.

但百思買現在。

The last impeachment was presided over by Chief Justice John Roberts, but reportedly Roberts did not enjoy the first trial and is opting out this time.

上一次彈劾由首席大法官約翰-羅伯茨主持，但據報道，羅伯茨並不喜歡第一次審判，這次他將選擇退出。

As new Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer explained.

正如新任參議院多數黨領袖查克-舒默所解釋的那樣。

So it was up to John Roberts whether he wanted to preside with the president, who is no longer sitting and he doesn't want to do it.

所以，約翰-羅伯茨要不要和總統一起主持，他已經不坐了，他不想做了。

Well, at least he has a sound constitutional reason he doesn't wanna.

好吧，至少他有一個合理的憲法理由，他不想。

As the Constitution says, When the president of United States is tried, the chief justice shall preside.

正如憲法所言，美國總統受審時，由首席法官主持。

Unless he's not in the mood, In which case we wouldn't want to inconvenience.

除非他心情不好，這樣的話，我們也不想給他帶來不便。

The Big Baby was saving the Republic.

大寶貝在拯救共和國。

So now they've decided it's going to be overseen by Senate President pro tempore Pat Leahy of Vermont.

所以現在他們決定由佛蒙特州的參議院臨時議長Pat Leahy來監督。

Leahy, a Democrat, has already voted once to convict the 45th president and remove him from office, so Republicans say he's not impartial.

民主黨人Leahy已經投過一次票，給第45任總統定罪，並將其免職，所以共和黨人說他不公正。

But Leahy has proved he is committed to the fight for justice because and this is true, he's been in five Batman movies.

但萊希已經證明了他致力於為正義而戰，因為這是真的，他已經出演了五部蝙蝠俠電影。

To put that in perspective, he's been in Mawr Batman movies than the Batman, and he's got experience with heavily made up clowns sending their goons to destroy the city.

要說起來，他比蝙蝠俠還演過馬伕蝙蝠俠的電影，而且他有重金打造的小丑派他們的走狗去破壞城市的經驗。

Speaking of which presidential clown car may eventually be pulling up to the capital because Senate procedure dictates that an official summons for the trial will also be sent to the former president.

說到哪位總統的小丑車最終可能會被拉到首都，因為參議院的程序規定，正式的審判傳票也將被送到前總統那裡。

Now, this is just a legal document.

現在，這只是一份法律文件。

Normally, to some of the former president, you have to draw a pentagram made of extra crispy today.

平時對一些前總統，你今天要畫一個五角星做的特別脆。

For the second time as many years senators were sworn in, his jurors and Leahy lead them in the oath.

多年來參議員第二次宣誓，他的陪審員和萊希帶領他們宣誓。

All senators now rise and raise their right hand.

現在全體參議員起立，舉起右手。

Do you solemnly swear me, Bruce, please, You're not helping anyway.

你要向我鄭重發誓，布魯斯，求你了，反正你也幫不上忙。

He's warming.

他在變暖

Now, to get a conviction, the House is gonna have to convince 17 Republican senators that the former president incited the riot.

現在，要想定罪，眾議院必須說服17名共和黨參議員 說前總統煽動了騷亂。

And even though they were all hustled out through secret tunnels to keep them from being murdered by the president's own bloodthirsty fascist squad of goons, they're on the fence.

儘管他們都是通過祕密隧道被趕出來的，以免被總統自己的嗜血法西斯小隊的走狗殺害，但他們還是在猶豫不決。

Take Iowa senator and Disney villain saying Let me be clear, your little playground will be my next strip mine.

就拿愛荷華州的參議員和迪士尼的小人說吧，讓我說清楚，你的小遊樂場將是我的下一個地帶礦。

Joni Ernst.

Joni Ernst.

She was in the capital when it was attacked, but doesn't blame the former president, explaining he exhibited poor leadership.

當它被攻擊時，她在首都，但並不責怪前總統，解釋說他表現出糟糕的領導力。

I think we could all agree with that, But it was these people that came into the capital.

我想大家都能同意這一點，但就是這些人進了京城。

They did it knowingly, so they bear the responsibility.

他們明知故犯，所以他們要承擔責任。

Yes, that's his defense.

是的，這是他的防守。

He didn't actually go with his cult members to commit the murders, so he's not guilty.

他其實並沒有和他的邪教成員一起去實施謀殺，所以他無罪。

I'm sorry that was actually Charles Manson's defense, but I'm sure Charlie would fit in with those rioters.

很抱歉，這其實是查爾斯-曼森的辯解，但我相信查理一定會和那些暴徒們合拍。

He's got the team tattoo now.

他現在有了團隊紋身。

Impeachment or no, it's a rough time for the former president.

不管有沒有彈劾，對前總統來說都是艱難的時刻。

When he got to March a Lago, he was greeted there with the presidential flyover.

當他到達March a Lago時，他在那裡受到了總統天橋的歡迎。

In this case, prop planes pulling banners that read, You pathetic loser, go back to Moscow and worst president ever.

在這種情況下，道具飛機拉著橫幅，上面寫著：你這個可憐的失敗者，回莫斯科去吧，有史以來最糟糕的總統。

You're off the hook.

你可以走了

Kevin Spacey.

凱文-史派西

Now, things didn't get much better once the president settled into his new digs, According to a source familiar with the situation, Mar a Lago has become a sad and dispirited place since the ex president moved in as opposed to before he moved in when it was hailed as the number one luxury Covic hotspot, where you can enjoy room temperature chowder while a Chinese spy loads malware onto your phone.

現在，總統安頓好新居後，情況並沒有好轉多少，據知情人士透露，自從前總統搬進來後，Mar a Lago就變成了一個悲傷和沮喪的地方，而不是在他搬進來之前，當時這裡被譽為第一豪華的Covic熱點，你可以在享受常溫大雜燴的同時，一箇中國間諜將惡意軟件加載到你的手機上。

But with the ex president back, the mood has gotten so dark that a lot of people have quit march a lago, for Pete's sake.

但前總統回來後，氣氛變得很暗淡，很多人都退出了遊行一拉哥，看在上帝的份上。

He's been there for six days.

他已經在那裡呆了六天了。

Imagine what a Donny Downer he must be for people who already throw in the towel.

想象一下，對於那些已經扔掉毛巾的人來說，他一定是一個多麼唐突的人。

Okay, here, here he comes.

好了，在這裡，他來了。

Jeez, Looks pretty sad.

天啊，看起來挺可憐的。

I'm sure you know his mood will improve once time has passed.

我相信你知道，時間一長，他的心情就會好轉。

Okay?

好嗎？

And he's yanking the chocolate fountain off the buffet and carrying it into the sauna.

他還把自助餐上的巧克力噴泉從自助餐上拽下來，搬進了桑拿房。

Yeah, I'd like my deposit back.

是啊，我想我的存款回來。

Mhm.

嗯

And I'm being told we have breaking Covad news.

有人告訴我，我們有突發的Covad新聞。

We have breaking news on co vid.

我們有突發新聞的視頻。

It's still out there, so we're still stuck in here in our homes watching TV on the edge of our seats for this hot.

現在還在外面，所以我們還被困在這家裡坐立不安的看電視，就為了這個熱乎乎的。

Will they or won't they ever give us a vaccine action?

他們到底會不會給我們一個疫苗行動？

The tension is literally killing us, and I'll tell you all about it.

緊張的氣氛簡直要了我們的命，我會告訴你所有的事情。

In tonight's edition of Catch A third wave.

在今晚的《捉妖記》第三波。

Endless Bummer.

無盡的無賴。

Hello on the British Vary it.

你好，在英國Vary它。

I'm a super gala.

我是一個超級晚會。

Fragile ist that gets me Allah Virus.

脆弱的是，讓我真主病毒。

Jim!

吉姆！

Jiminy Jim!

吉姆尼-吉姆！

Jiminy Jim!

吉姆尼-吉姆！

Jim Maju.

吉姆-馬尤

Hey, it's Oh, damn it, You gotta reload.

嘿，這是哦，該死的，你得重新裝填。

Oh, you're so lucky.

哦，你太幸運了。

This is right here for the rest.

這是在這裡休息。

Rest of the monologue.

剩下的獨白。

I'll put it up here.

我把它放在這裡。

What?

什麼？

Loaded?

裝好了？

Yeah, with a new president in charge.

是的，隨著新總統的上任。

Help is on the way over to Congress.

幫助是在國會的路上。

Not sure what happens then.

不知道到時候會發生什麼。

Today we learned that Biden wants Congress to pass his covert relief bill before March.

今天我們瞭解到，拜登希望國會在3月之前通過他的祕密救濟法案。

Yes, ideally before last March, which I think this still is.

是的，最好是在去年3月之前，我想現在還是這樣。

It goes 30 days hath September.

它去30天九月。

It's been march since I can't remember now.

我現在已經記不清了，已經是三月了。

Americans desperately need help.

美國人迫切需要幫助。

But the bill is slowed down by a couple of factors, including the impeachment and confirming Biden's Cabinet.

但該法案受到彈劾和確認拜登內閣等幾個因素的拖累。

Plus, Biden has been trying to win support from Republicans for his proposal, but so far none have endorsed it.

另外，拜登一直試圖為他的提案爭取共和黨人的支持，但到目前為止，還沒有人認可他的提案。

So don't hold your breath.

所以不要屏住呼吸。

Although actually holding your breath would be a pretty good idea because the virus is becoming even more viral.

雖然其實屏住呼吸會是一個很好的主意，因為病毒的毒性更強了。

Turns out, the coronavirus is changing faster than scientists thought, leading to new variants like one in Britain.

原來，冠狀病毒的變化速度比科學家們想象的要快，導致像英國的一個新變種。

That's up to 50% more contagious, a variant in South Africa that may be more adept at dodging antibodies in the blood stream and a deadly new variant from Brazil.

那就是高達50%的傳染性，南非的變種可能更善於躲避血液中的抗體，巴西的新變種也是致命的。

Now that one's easy toe identify because it looks fantastic in a two piece because it's smooth as an eel down there, right, there you go.

這個很容易辨認，因為它穿上兩件就很好看了 因為它在下面像鰻魚一樣光滑，對，就這樣。

You cut that, don't you?

是你切的吧？

Don't you dare.

你敢嗎？

Don't you dare.

你敢嗎？

No, no.

不，不。

Oh, you're so lucky.

哦，你太幸運了。

Yeah, senseless violence.

是啊，毫無意義的暴力。

Yeah, Unlike people, these mutations don't have any travel restrictions.

是啊，和人不同，這些變異體沒有任何旅行限制。

The variant from Brazil was recently found in Minnesota.

來自巴西的變種最近在明尼蘇達州被發現。

It's the Midwest's most dangerous Brazilian imports since fall.

這是中西部地區入秋以來最危險的巴西進口產品。

Go to Chow.

去周。

Hey, I'm spending 40 bucks on meat.

嘿，我花40塊錢買肉。

I'm packing my lungs with hot beef.

我的肺裡裝滿了熱牛肉。

Now, vaccine makers say they're shot should be effective against most of the new strains, though Madonna says it might take a third shot.

現在，疫苗製造商說，他們的鏡頭應該是有效的對大多數的新菌株，雖然麥當娜說，它可能需要第三個鏡頭。

The problem is, how do you get the first shot?

問題是，如何才能打好第一槍？

Well, there's good news, because just before we went on the air tonight, President Biden came out with a brand new announcement.

有一個好消息 因為就在我們今晚直播之前 拜登總統宣佈了一個全新的聲明

He ordered a bunch of new vaccines.

他訂購了一堆新疫苗。

We believe that we'll soon be able to confirm the purchase of an additional 100 billion doses for each of the two FDA authorized vaccine, Pfizer and Moderna.

我們相信，很快就能確認追加購買輝瑞和莫德納這兩種FDA授權疫苗各1000億支。

That's 100 million MAWR doses of Pfizer and 100 million more doses of modernity 200 million more doses than the federal government had previously secured.

這就是1億MAWR劑量的輝瑞和1億多劑量的現代性2億多劑量，比聯邦政府先前確保。

That increases the total vaccine order in the United States by 50% from 400 million order to 600 million.

這使得美國的疫苗總訂單量增加了50%，從4億訂單增加到6億訂單。

It'll be enough to fully vaccinated 300 Americans to beat this pandemic.

只要給300個美國人全面接種疫苗，就能戰勝這場大流行病。

300 million Americans, 200 million MAWR doses.

3億美國人，2億MAWR劑量。

Oh baby, America's got a new boyfriend and he is spoiling us, and we are loving it.

哦，寶貝，美國有了新男友，他把我們寵壞了，我們很喜歡。

And by spoiling us, I mean not leaving us to fend for ourselves in the face of a deadly pandemic.

我所說的溺愛我們，是指在面對致命的大流行病時，不能讓我們自生自滅。

And by loving it, I mean lapping at Because Americans are desperate to start their vaccinations and, it turns out, stars.

我說的喜歡，是指對因為美國人急於開始接種疫苗，而事實證明，明星。

They're just like us because the Hollywood elite are in a cove in 19 vaccine scramble, leveraging their clout and connections to be the first to get inoculated as well they should.

他們和我們一樣，因為好萊塢的精英們在19日的疫苗爭奪戰中，利用他們的影響力和人脈關係，成為第一個被接種的人，也是應該的。

If the Hollywood elite don't survive this, who will sing us?

如果好萊塢的精英們活不下去了，誰來唱我們？

Imagine during the next pandemic.

想象一下，在下一次大流行期間。

Now there's some good news from Washington Yet another thing is returning to somewhat normal, because on Sunday, presidential dogs returned to the White House that dogs air back.

現在有一些來自華盛頓的好消息然而另一件事正在恢復到某種正常狀態，因為在週日，總統狗回到了白宮，狗的空氣回來了。

Jim, Thank you.

吉姆，謝謝你。

Oh, yeah.

哦，是的。

Oh, play ball.

哦，打球。

I know it was the national anthem, but somebody throw them ball, they gotta be a little bored.

我知道這是國歌，但有人把球扔給他們，他們一定會有點無聊。

I wanna I wanna point something out here.

我想... ...我想在這裡指出一些東西。

I and I did not know I was gonna be on camera for that.

我和我都不知道我是要去上鏡的。

When I heard that Mursal, I thought, Oh, my goodness, I love how long that is.

當我聽到Mursal的時候，我想，哦，我的天，我喜歡這句話有多長。

I got all that time to drink coffee or go for a walk.

我有的是時間喝咖啡或散步。

Don't cut a second of Don't cut a second of it.

一秒鐘也別剪掉 一秒鐘也別剪掉 Don't cut a second of it.

The two very good boys are 12 year old champ Biden, seen here waiting patiently for the most powerful man in the world to pick up his poop.

這兩個非常優秀的男孩是12歲的冠軍拜登，在這裡看到他耐心地等待著世界上最有權勢的人去接他的大便。

And two year old major Biden, seen here on Inauguration Day being told he might meet J.

而兩歲的拜登少校，在就職典禮當天看到這裡被告知可能會見到J。

Lo the canine.

羅犬。

Biden's already have their own Children's book champ and major First Dogs.

拜登家已經有了自己的童書冠軍和各大第一狗。

So much better than the Children's book about Nixon's dog.

比兒童讀物中關於尼克松的狗的書好多了。

E think Checkers is wearing a wire.

E認為格子是戴著竊聽器的。

I do have one quibble with it.

我對它有一個疑問。

Storybook.

故事書。

Joe Biden really looks like he's had some work done.

喬-拜登看起來真的像是做了一些工作。

He looks fantastic, man.

他看起來棒極了，夥計。

I got to get a better illustrator.

我得找一個更好的插畫師。

The first dogs are already making their presence felt yesterday during the signing of an executive order lifting the ban on transgender people serving in the U.

昨日，在簽署行政命令，解除對變性人在美國服役的禁令時，第一隻狗已經開始亮相。

S.

S.

Military.

軍隊。

We heard this.

我們聽到這個。

That's nice.

這很好。

They're either excited for social justice or they're desperate to get into the Oval Office because the previous occupant soaked everything with burger juice.

他們要麼是為社會正義而興奮，要麼是急於進入橢圓形辦公室，因為前一任任職者用漢堡汁浸泡了一切。

But the first dogs may not be the top dogs for long, because Jill Biden has said that she would love to get a cat.

但第一隻狗可能不會長久地成為頂級狗，因為吉爾-拜登曾說過，她很想養一隻貓。

Now, you might say there's already enough fighting like cats and dogs in Washington.

現在，你可能會說，在華盛頓，像貓和狗一樣的戰鬥已經夠多了。

But remember, President Biden has promised unity.

但請記住，拜登總統已經承諾了團結。

He's gonna bring the cats and the dogs together in the spirit of compromise, even though some cats are clearly fascist.

他要本著妥協的精神讓貓和狗走到一起，儘管有些貓明顯是法西斯主義者。

All these animals are especially exciting because the previous first family did not have any pets for the four years they lived in the White House.

這些動物都特別讓人興奮，因為之前的第一家庭在白宮生活的四年裡沒有養過任何寵物。

That is unless, of course, you count Lindsey Graham.

當然，除非你算上林賽-格雷厄姆。