And push- - That's not.

而推--那不是。

- Oh wait, sorry.

- 哦，等等，對不起。

- That's not in there.

- 這不是在那裡。

(upbeat jazzy music)

（歡快的爵士音樂）

Hey guys, welcome to "Stir Crazy."

嘿，夥計們，歡迎來到 "瘋狂攪拌"。

You know my guest today from "Parks and Recreation."

你知道我今天的客人來自 "公園和娛樂"。

I know her as a perpetual beam of holiday light.

我知道她是一束永恆的節日之光。

She's got two new movies out this holiday season,

她在這個假期有兩部新片推出。

"Black Bear" and "Happiest Season."

"黑熊 "和 "最幸福的季節"。

It's the one and only, Aubrey Plaza.

這是唯一的一個，奧布里廣場。

Did you say black bear?

你是說黑熊嗎？

Rawr!

Rawr！

- Hi, Aubrey.

- 嗨，奧布里。

How's it going?

進展如何？

- Fine.

- 好吧

- Where you going?

- 你要去哪裡？

- Bah!

- 呸！

Look into the ball.

看著球。

- What, what?

- 什麼，什麼？

- Sorry.

- 對不起，我不知道

- What? What's wrong.

- 怎麼了？怎麼了？

Is it me? What is it?

是我嗎？怎麼了？

- This isn't how I normally work. Okay.

- 這不是我平時工作的方式。好吧 Okay.

This isn't my normal setup.

這不是我的正常設置。

I normally have all this shit ready to go,

我通常會把這些東西都準備好。

but I'm doing the best I can.

但我正在做的最好的，我可以。

- Is tarot considered a dark art?

- 塔羅牌算不算是一種黑暗藝術？

Is this meddling with dark forces?

這是在插手黑暗勢力嗎？

- I don't suggest dabbling in the dark arts

- 我不建議你涉足黑暗藝術

for any bad evil causes.

為任何壞的惡因。

I just think, look, our bodies.

我只是覺得，看，我們的身體。

Fuck!

操！

- The candle went, yeah, come on.

- 蠟燭走了，是啊，來吧。

- Our bodies are. - Come on.

- 我們的身體是。- 來吧。

Come on, really?

來吧，真的嗎？

I was told you are a professional.

有人告訴我，你是一個專業的。

What the fuck is going on? (laughs)

這他媽的是怎麼回事？（笑）

Keep it together!

團結起來！

- Fuck you!

- 去你的！

You think that this is a joke?

你以為這是在開玩笑嗎？

- No, now I don't.

- 不，現在我沒有。

- I could do a past-present-future reading for you.

- 我可以為你做一個過去-現在-未來的解讀。

And again, look, I'm dabbling in witchcraft.

再說一遍，你看，我在涉足巫術。

Yes, I've gotten into witchcraft during the quarantine.

是的，我在隔離期間就已經開始接觸巫術了。

Yes, there's a witch that lives across the street from me.

是的，有個女巫就住在我街對面。

Dandelion.

蒲公英。

She is the real professional.

她才是真正的專業人士。

I'm an apprentice right now.

我現在是個學徒。

All right, honey, let's do it.

好了，親愛的，我們開始吧。

- Okay.

- 好吧，我知道了

Is that how you open your tarot card reading?

你的塔羅牌讀法是這樣開場的嗎？

Let's do it?

我們來做吧？

- Let's get ready to rumble!

- 讓我們做好準備，轟隆隆！

♪ Dun dun dun dundun dundun ♪

咚咚咚咚咚咚咚咚咚咚咚咚

♪ Dun dun dun dundun dundun ♪

咚咚咚咚咚咚咚咚咚咚咚咚

All right, let's pull you three cards.

好了，給你抽三張牌吧。

Let's do past-present-future.

讓我們做過去-現在-未來。

Josh Horowitz, lord of the cyberwaves.

喬什-霍洛維茨，網絡浪潮的主宰。

Man of the movie review interviews.

人的影評採訪。

(Josh laughing)

（喬希笑）

This isn't a joke.

這不是一個笑話。

- I like hearing you try to decipher what I do.

- 我喜歡聽你解讀我的工作。

- Josh Horowitz.

- Josh Horowitz

Shut up, Josh.

閉嘴, Josh.

And now all you have to do is say,

而現在你要做的就是說。

"Pull towards me," or "Pull towards you,"

"拉向我 "或 "拉向你"。

when you get the feeling.

當你有感覺的時候

- Pull towards you!

- 拉向你！

- (gasps) Oh, Joshy.

- 哦，喬希

- What'd I get? - La Lune!

- 我得到了什麼？- La Lune!

- Did I win? I won the game, we're good.

- 我贏了嗎？我贏了比賽，我們很好。

- No, it's not a game.

- 不，這不是一個遊戲。

And look, to be totally honest.

你看，說實話

These aren't in English and I don't speak French.

這些不是英語，我也不會說法語。

But I think it means the fucking moon,

但我認為這意味著他媽的月亮。

which if I wanted to pull a card,

這如果我想拉卡。

I would wanna pull this card. - Really?

我想拉這張牌。- 真的嗎？

- Let's say that this is your past.

- 就說這是你的過去。

And now we're gonna do this two more times.

現在我們要再做兩次。

- Okay. - And here we go.

- 好了 我們走吧

The cards cascading.

牌層出不窮。

- Pull towards me!

- 拉向我！

That's the death card, isn't it?

這就是死亡牌，不是嗎？

I'm gonna die.

我要死了

- That's the Nine of Pentacles.

- 那是五角星九。

- That can't be good.

- 這不可能是好事。

- So let's say that that is your present.

- 所以我們說，這就是你的現在。

- Okay.

- 好吧，我知道了

That can't be hygienic.

這不可能是衛生的。

That's not good for anybody,

這對誰都不好。

you're gonna cut yourself.

你會割傷自己的。

- Ah! Little more head room, Aubrey.

- 啊！再給點空間 奧布里

(Josh laughing) I'm not drunk.

(Josh笑)我沒醉。

- Pull towards you!

- 拉向你！

- AS des Batons.

- AS des Batons.

- Oh, the ass of Batons.

- 哦，巴頓的屁股。

- Not the ass of Batons.

- 不是巴頓的屁股。

Actually, I don't know what it is.

其實，我也不知道是什麼。

- Why don't you get an English deck next time?

- 下次為什麼不買個英文卡組？

It would make things easier. Don't you think?

這將使事情變得更容易。你不覺得嗎？

- Yeah, no shit. This was a gift.

- 是啊，沒有狗屎。這是一個禮物。

Now here's the part where I look up what it means.

現在是我查找它的意思的部分。

- Is this is what they did in times of olden times?

- 這就是他們在舊時代的做法嗎？

They would just go on Google and just fucking look it up?

他們會直接上谷歌，就他媽去查？

- Shut up.

- 閉嘴吧

Listen, the bottom line with this card,

聽，這張卡的底線。

you need to connect with your subconscious mind

你需要與你的潛意識聯繫起來。

and you need to release your fears and anxieties, Josh.

你需要釋放你的恐懼和焦慮，喬希。

They're holding you back.

他們在拖你後腿

- That much is true.

- 這一點是真的。

- Nine of Pentacles, Joshy, is your present.

- 五角星九，喬希，是你的禮物。

Behold, the abundance, luxuries, self-sufficiency,

看吧，豐盛、奢侈、自給自足。

and financial independence.

和經濟獨立。

Someone's been thriving during the pandemic,

有人在大流行期間興風作浪。

(Josh laughing) haven't they?

（喬希笑）不是嗎？

The vines are heavy with grapes and golden coins.

葡萄樹上沉甸甸的葡萄和金幣。

Wait, I'm gonna switch and skip that part.

等等，我要換一下，跳過這部分。

(both laughing)

（兩個笑）

You, Joshy, have worked hard to create

你，喬西，努力創造了

abundance in your life.

在你的生活中充實。

The Nine of Pentacles says,

五角星之九說。

now you can enjoy the fruits of your labor.

現在你可以享受你的勞動成果了。

Ugh. This sucks. (Josh laughing)

呃...這很爛。（喬希笑）

- You want me to suffer, you want me sad.

- 你要我痛苦，你要我傷心。

- The ace of wands, is your future, my darling.

- 魔杖王牌，是你的未來，親愛的。

God, you have such good cards!

天啊，你有這麼好的卡！

- God, killing it! - You don't deserve this.

- 上帝，殺了它！- 你不應該這樣。

The Ace of Wands encourages you to follow your heart

金沙王牌鼓勵你跟隨自己的內心。

and live your passion.

和生活的激情。

If you feel a strong pull towards a new project or path,

如果你對一個新的項目或道路感到強烈的吸引力。

but are questioning whether it will work,

但卻在懷疑是否能成功。

this card will give you the gentle nudge.

這張牌會給你溫柔的推敲。

Just imagine this baton just ramming right up your butt.

想象一下，這根警棍就在你的屁股上撞來撞去。

Oh wait, no, that wasn't.

哦，等等，不，那不是。

- That can't be where you're reading.

- 這不可能是你讀的地方。

You made that up. - You can always start.

是你編的- 你可以隨時開始。

Sorry, I went off track there.

對不起，我跑題了。

You can always start out small,

你總是可以從小處開始。

treating the project or an idea as an experiment or trial,

把項目或想法當作實驗或試驗；

but just slowly insert this baton into your anus and push

但只要慢慢地把這根指揮棒插入你的肛門，然後推動

Oh wait, sorry. - That's not in there.

哦，等等，對不起。- 這不是在那裡。

- Oh wait, no.

- 哦，等等，不。

Oh no, it says if it feels good, keep doing it.

哦，不，它說如果感覺好，就繼續做。

And if it doesn't, make adjustments and try again.

如果不行，就調整一下再試試。

If you've been looking for a sign

如果你一直在尋找一個標誌

whether you should stick a rod up your ass.

你是否應該堅持杆了你的屁股。

(Josh laughing)

（喬希笑）

This is a clear yes, baby.

這是一個明確的肯定，寶貝。

- I haven't been looking for that sign, to be honest,

- 說實話，我一直沒有找那個牌子。

but I guess this opens up a whole new world

但我想這打開了一個全新的世界。

of possibilities for me.

的可能性對我來說。

- Honestly, look, I know this is a joke.

- 老實說，你看，我知道這是一個笑話。

- It's not a joke. It's serious.

- 這不是一個笑話。它是認真的。

- But I should try to ram things up your butt.

- 但我應該試著把東西塞進你的屁股裡。

More than you're doing. - That's my takeaway.

比你做的更多。- 這是我的心得。

Do you feel like witches get a bad rap nowadays?

你覺得現在的女巫會被人罵嗎？

- I think witches are becoming more mainstream than ever.

- 我認為女巫正在成為前所未有的主流。

Hello? Lana Del Rey.

喂？ - 拉娜-德爾-雷伊拉娜-德爾-雷伊

Remember when she did a hex on Trump in 2016?

還記得2016年她對特朗普做的六合彩資料大全嗎？

I feel like that was a really big moment for witches.

我覺得那對女巫來說是一個非常重要的時刻。

- Fuck, marry, kill.

- 操，娶，殺。

Wicked Witch of the West, Scarlet Witch, Maleficent.

西方邪惡女巫，緋紅女巫，Maleficent。

- I definitely would kill the Wicked Witch of the West

- 我一定會殺了西天取經的女巫。

because she fucked with Judy.

因為她和朱迪上床了

- Dorothy. That's the characters.

- Dorothy.這就是人物。

- I would marry the Scarlet Witch.

- 我願意嫁給緋紅女巫。

If I could have Elizabeth Olsen as my wife,

如果我能娶到伊麗莎白-奧爾森為妻的話

my life would be set.

我的生活將被設定。

She would be the best wife I ever could dream of.

她會是我夢寐以求的最好的妻子。

And Maleficent, I would F the B out of the W.

還有Maleficent，我會把W的B弄出來。

(both laughing)

（兩個笑）

- Would you rather,

- 你寧願。

I have some would you rather questions, Aubrey?

我有一些你想問的問題，奧布里？

You ready? (upbeat jazzy music)

你準備好了嗎？（歡快的爵士音樂）

Would you rather be stuck in a cabin with a fighting couple

你是否願意和一對打架的夫婦困在一個小屋裡？

a la "Black Bear" or a murder doll named Chucky?

"黑熊 "還是叫恰吉的殺人娃娃？

- Chucky.

- 恰吉

Being with a fighting couple is something

和吵架的夫婦在一起是什麼

that hurts you on the inside.

傷害你的內心。

It's an attack on just ugh, your nervous system.

這是一個攻擊只是唉，你的神經系統。

- Would you rather have Ron Swanson's mustache

- 你寧願留著羅恩-斯旺森的鬍子嗎？

or Tom Haverford's wardrobe?

還是Tom Haverford的衣櫃？

- Mustache.

- 鬍子。

I've always had a thing for mustaches.

我一直都很喜歡鬍子。

- On yourself or other people?

- 對自己還是對別人？

- On myself.

- 在我自己身上。

- Would you rather have snakes for fingers

- 你寧可要蛇做手指嗎？

or snakes for boobs?

或蛇的胸部？

It might be fun if a snake was my nipple.

如果一條蛇是我的乳頭，可能會很有趣。

- Right.

- 好吧，我知道了

So you've still got the boob. - Not my boobs,

所以你還是有胸的。- 不是我的胸。

but if a little baby snake was my nipple.

但如果一條小蛇是我的乳頭，

And every time you try to suck on it,

而每次你想吮吸它的時候。

it just bit your dick off.

它只是咬你的傢伙了。

(Josh laughing)

（喬希笑）

That'd be great.

這將是巨大的。

- Would you rather pee fire or poop lava?

- 你寧願尿火還是拉熔岩？

- I mean, I feel like I have pooped lava,

- 我的意思是，我覺得我已經拉了熔岩。

so I'm gonna go with that one. (Josh laughing)

所以我要去與那一個。（喬希笑）

- Hey, Dakota Johnson asked me this question

- 嘿，達科他-約翰遜問我這個問題

on a previous episode. (bees buzzing)

在前一集。（蜜蜂嗡嗡）

Would you rather have a mouth full of bees

你寧願有一嘴的蜜蜂嗎？

or one bee in your butt?

還是一隻蜜蜂在你的屁股上？

- Bee in my butt.

- 蜂在我的屁股。

- That seems to be the consensus.

- 這似乎是大家的共識。

- It's a tough call for me

- 對我來說，這是個艱難的抉擇

because I have an oral fixation.

因為我有一個口腔固定。

And this isn't me being like, check me out,

這不是我喜歡，檢查我。

I wanna just put things in my mouth.

我只想把東西放進嘴裡

But I do want to put things in my mouth.

但我確實想把東西放進嘴裡。

And I always been like this.

而我一直都是這樣的。

You give me anything, I'll put it in my mouth.

你給我任何東西，我就把它放進嘴裡。

Pens, papers, bees.

筆，紙，蜜蜂。

- Hey, congrats on getting Joe Biden

- 嘿，恭喜你得到喬-拜登

elected president as a fellow Delawarean.

作為特拉華州的同胞當選總統。

- You're welcome!

- 不客氣！

- You are the king maker.

- 你是國王的製造者。

Do you feel personally responsible for this?

你覺得自己有責任嗎？

- Okay, I don't feel personally responsible

- 好吧，我不覺得自己有什麼責任

but I will say that I'm very big in Delaware County.

但我要說的是，我在特拉華縣的地位很高。

Okay, honey?

好了，親愛的？

I do what I can.

我盡我所能。

And Joe is just, he's just Joe.

而喬只是，他只是喬。

And got him into that White House.

並讓他進了白宮。

- Sadly, our time is up, Aubrey.

- 很遺憾，我們的時間到了，奧布里。

Should we pull one more card on the way out?

要不要臨走時再拉一張牌？

- Let's pull a card for Joe.

- 讓我們為喬拉一張牌。

- Okay. This one's for Joe Biden.

- 好吧，這是給喬-拜登的這個是給喬-拜登的

♪ This one's for Joe Biden ♪

這是給喬-拜登的

♪ Muah, I love you ♪

Muah，我愛你

Ah! (laughs)

啊

Speak to me.

跟我說話。

Ya son of a bitch. (Josh laughing)

雅狗孃養的。（喬希笑）

Whoo!

嗚！

(gasps) And an upright card!

(喘氣)還有一張立牌!

What do we have here?

我們這裡有什麼？

- We got the Valet des EPEES.

- 我們得到了Valet des EPEES。

- Upright page of swords.

- 劍的直立頁。

He is bursting with new ideas and plans for the future.

他對未來充滿了新的想法和計劃。

He may be excited about starting a new project.

他可能會對開始一個新項目感到興奮。

The presidency?

總統職位？

Whatever, this is a great card for Joe.

不管怎麼說，這是喬的一張好牌。

Joe, keep that energy up.

喬，保持這種活力

Keep that sword up, if you know what I mean,

把劍舉起來，如果你明白我的意思。

and let's stick it to the country.

讓我們把它堅持到國家。

Just like in old Delaware times.

就像在舊特拉華時代一樣。

- Another perfectly normal conversation with Aubrey Plaza.

- 又是一次完全正常的與奧布里廣場的對話。

- Be grateful for your abundance.

- 感恩你的富足。

You privileged piece of shit. (Josh laughing)

你的特權一塊狗屎。（喬希笑）

(upbeat jazzy music)

（歡快的爵士音樂）