I'm very excited to welcome the fabulous Nicole Byer

我很高興地歡迎神奇的妮可拜爾。

to the podcast family,

到播客家族。

her show, "Why Won't You Date Me?" is joining Team Coco.

她的節目 "你為什麼不和我約會？"將加入可可團隊。

We're so thrilled to have her.

我們很高興有她。

Nicole, for those who maybe are not familiar

妮可，對於那些也許不熟悉的人來說。

with the Nicole Byer vibe,

與妮可拜爾的氛圍。

how would you describe your show?

你會如何描述你的節目？

I guess I would describe it as one woman's quest

我想我會把它描述為一個女人的追求。

to figure out why is she still single?

想知道為什麼她還是單身？

Even though she's stunning,

雖然她很驚豔。

she dresses well,

她穿得很好。

her skin is very supple and warm

她的皮膚非常柔軟和溫暖

and has nice undertones

並有很好的底色

and she sucks a mean dick.

她吮吸一個平均的傢伙。

It's pretty explicit.

這是相當明確的。

I love talking about sex.

我喜歡談論性。

(laughing)

（笑）

But listen, Conan,

但聽著，柯南

I want to learn about your-

我想了解你的...

No, I just left my body.

不，我只是離開了我的身體。

I left my body, so my body's here,

我離開了我的身體，所以我的身體在這裡。

but Conan's in another room right now

但柯南現在在另一個房間裡呢

and he's just filled with shame.

他只是充滿了恥辱。

Well, Conan, come back in the room.

好了，柯南，回到房間裡來。

'Cause I want to learn about your dating history.

因為我想知道你的約會史。

(laughing)

（笑）

Okay.

好吧，我知道了

Have you got eight seconds?

你有八秒鐘的時間嗎？

I do.

而且要：

[Conan] Okay. I do have eight seconds.

好吧，我有八秒鐘的時間。

I even have a little less time if you need a little less,

如果你需要的時間少一點，我甚至可以少一點。

I have seven seconds for ya,

我有七秒鐘的時間給你。

but have you ever heard of Never Have I Ever?

但你聽說過 "從來沒有過我 "嗎？

No.

不知道

I don't know that.

我不知道這一點。

Okay, so you have to hold up five fingies

好吧，所以你必須持有五個Fingies。

and then we say things that we've never done.

然後我們說的事情，我們從來沒有做過。

And when you've done it, you put a finger down.

做完後，你把手指放下來。

So I will go first.

所以我先走了。

Oh God, this isn't gonna go well.

哦，天哪，這不是要去好。

Never have I ever dated two people at once.

我從來沒有同時和兩個人約會過。

And if you've done it, you put a finger down.

如果你做了，你就把手指放下來。

So I have to put a finger down.

所以，我得把手指放下來。

'Cause I've dated two people at once.

因為我同時和兩個人約會過。

You've never dated two people at once?

你從來沒有同時和兩個人約會過？

I don't think so.

我不這麼認為。

I was always super uptight about that.

我總是超級緊張的。

I don't think I've done that. Wow.

我不認為我已經做了。哇哦

Yeah. I was always into the rules.

是啊，我一直都很喜歡規矩。

No, no that's breaking the rules.

不，不，那是破壞規則。

I don't think so.

我不這麼認為。

Unless... Define dating.

除非...定義約會。

No, let's not even get into that.

不，我們甚至不要談這個。

I'm going to say no, I haven't.

我想說沒有，我沒有。

Okay, now you have to ask the question.

好了，現在你要問這個問題了。

Okay, have you-

好吧，你有沒有...

You just say never have I ever, that's the game.

你就說我從來沒有過，這就是遊戲。

Oh, I say never, got it.

哦，我說千萬不要，知道了。

I'm not good at games.

我不擅長遊戲。

Oh wait, did I just do it wrong?

哦，等等，我剛才做錯了嗎？

Is it something that I haven't done?

是我沒做過的事嗎？

So you said never have I ever dated two people at once

你說我從來沒有同時和兩個人約會過？

but you have But I have dated.

但你有，但我有約會。

so you put a finger down.

所以你把手指放下來。

We're the worst at this.

我們是最差的。

I'm gonna make this go faster.

我要讓這一切變得更快。

Never, ever I ever had sex

我從來沒有，從來沒有發生過性關係

with someone wearing a scuba outfit.

和穿著潛水服的人在一起。

Okay, listen, I have,

好吧，聽著，我有。

and it was me in the scuba outfit

而這是我在水肺的裝備

because there's a material called scuba material.

因為有一種材料叫水肺材料。

So it's not like- What? Is this true?

所以，它不是像什麼，這是真的嗎？

Is this really?

真的是這樣嗎？

It's not like an actual scuba suit.

它不像一個真正的潛水服。

It's just like thick material.

就像厚厚的材料一樣。

But why would you wear that during sex?

但你為什麼要在做愛時穿這個？

Let's take the hands out of this.

讓我們把手拿開。

Let's just say never have I ever

讓我們只說從來沒有我

because this is a good conversation without the hands.

因為這是不動手的好話。

Because sometimes your clothes stay on when you have sex.

因為有時候做愛的時候，你的衣服會一直穿著。

Sometimes it's like, I have to, it has to happen right now.

有時就像，我必須，必須現在就發生。

And then your dress doesn't fully come off.

然後你的衣服沒有完全脫下來。

Or you're leaving and you put your clothes back on.

或者你要走了，你又把衣服穿上。

And then you're like- So you're wearing

然後你就像... 所以你穿的

like scuba material?

喜歡水肺材料？

(laughing)

（笑）

It's it's not like scuba suit material

它不像潛水衣的材料

but it's like this heavy material.

但它就像這沉重的材料。

I can't really describe it to you

我真的無法向你描述

other than like it's a weird heavy material.

除了喜歡它是一個奇怪的沉重的材料。

Okay.

好吧，我知道了

But it's not really what you're thinking.

但其實不是你想的那樣。

It's not like scuba gear where it's like skin tight.

它不像潛水裝備，在那裡它就像緊身衣。

Okay, I'm still not getting turned on by this.

好吧，我還是沒有被這個所吸引。

Like there's too much- Okay.

好像有太多... 好吧

Well, have you ever gone commando?

那麼，你有沒有去突擊隊？

Yes. I've gone commando.

是的，我已經變成了突擊隊員。

I've never,

我從來沒有。

I wear underwear at all times.

我一直都穿著內衣。

I have occasionally not worn underwear,

我偶爾也會不穿內衣。

I've regretted it.

我已經後悔了。

'Cause let's just say there's a lot going on down there

因為我們可以說下面發生了很多事情

and- Okay.

還有... 好吧

Big balls?

大球？

No, actually no.

不，其實沒有。

One ball that's very long.

一個球，很長。

Oh.

哦。

Almost rectangular.

幾乎是長方形的。

I like it.

我喜歡它。

Yeah. It's very strange.

是啊，很奇怪

I'm a medical anomaly.

我是個醫學上的異類。

I've been studied by The New England Journal of Medicine.

我被《新英格蘭醫學雜誌》研究過。

They said it's technically not a penis

他們說這在技術上不是一個陰莖。

but they're still fascinated by it.

但他們還是被它迷住了。

(laughing)

（笑）

Have you ever used...

你有沒有用過...

I've read about this once.

我曾經讀到過這個。

It was LL Cool J,

是LL Cool J。

once was giving an interview and he said during it

有一次他接受採訪，他在採訪中說

there was once like during a concert backstage

曾經有像在演唱會後臺的時候

he poured like oil out...

他像油一樣倒出來...

He put down plastic bags, put oil all over the place

他把塑膠袋放下來，把油塗得滿地都是。

and he and this woman just slipped all around

而他和這個女人就在周圍溜達著。

having sex in oil and trash bags.

在油和垃圾袋裡做愛。

And I don't know why that's still in my mind.

我也不知道為什麼我的腦海裡還想著這些。

But is that something people do?

但這是人做的事嗎？

I've never done it.

我從來沒有做過。

I've never laid down a tarp of trash bags

我從來沒有鋪過垃圾袋的油布。

and squeeze baby oil [Conan] Yes.

和擠嬰兒油[柯南]是的。

everywhere.

到處都是。

That's too messy.

那太亂了。

It felt like, yeah.

感覺就像，是的。

It felt like he was preparing to murder someone.

感覺他是在準備殺人。

(laughing) It felt like Goodfellas.

(笑)感覺就像Goodfellas。

He put a whole bunch of tarps,

他放了一大堆油布。

whenever you're putting tarps down,

每當你把油布放下時。

I think you need to be killing someone in the mob.

我想你需要在黑道上殺人。

I agree.

我同意。

That's what you need to be doing.

這就是你需要做的。

Yeah, I've never done that.

是啊，我從來沒有這樣做過。

I don't want to do that.

我不想這樣做。

That honestly it seems like a safety hazard,

說實話，這似乎是一個安全隱患。

a safety concern, but moisturizing for your skin.

安全問題，但對皮膚有保溼作用。

Have you ever joined the mile high club?

你有沒有加入過一英里高俱樂部？

No, I've never (beep) in an airplane bathroom,

不，我從來沒有（嗶）在飛機上的浴室。

one, because how disgusting.

一，因為多噁心。

They don't clean planes, that's nasty.

他們不清理飛機，那是骯髒的。

Also they're so small.

而且他們還那麼小。

I'm a big gal.

我是個大姑娘。

We wouldn't be able to do it.

我們不可能做到這一點。

We'd (beep) right out

我們會（嗶嗶聲）右出

and land on the person in the last row.

並落在最後一排的人身上。

And that's not something they need.

而這不是他們需要的。

The last row doesn't even recline.

最後一排甚至沒有靠背。

I think it's much cooler to do it on an Amtrak train.

我覺得在美鐵列車上做更酷。

I think if you can do it on an Amtrak train

我想如果你能在美鐵列車上做的話

during a major commuting hour

上班時間

and you can use the overhead compartment,

而且你可以使用頭頂的車廂。

you know that rack,

你知道那個架子。

that would impress me.

那會讓我印象深刻。

When people say I'm in the mile high club,

當人們說我在一英里高的俱樂部，

I think (beep) you.

我想（嗶）你。

When you tell me that you did it on an Amtrak train

當你告訴我你是在美鐵列車上做的時候

on the luggage rack,

在行李架上。

it was in a major corridor.

它是在一個主要的走廊。

And I don't mean that to be wordplay,

我也不是說要玩文字遊戲。

it's between Boston and Philadelphia.

這是波士頓和費城之間。

Tell me you did that

告訴我是你乾的

and I will be impressed.

我就會印象深刻。

I would do that.

我會這樣做。

I would (beep) on a train, choo choo.

我會（嘟）在火車上，嚓嚓。

And that's what I would say when I (beep).

我也會這麼說，當我（嗶）。

I'm cutting it off right here.

我在這裡切斷它。

Okay.

好吧，我知道了

(laughing)

（笑）

Okay.

好吧，我知道了

Okay, cool.

好吧，酷。

Cool.

爽啊

Okay, yeah.

好吧，是的。

That was illuminating?

這很有啟發性？

Yeah.

是啊。

Next time I'm in a train

下次我在火車上

and I hear your voice say choo choo,

我聽到你的聲音說 "喬喬"。

I'll know what's going on.

我就知道是怎麼回事了。

You can learn so much talking to Nicole

你可以從妮可那裡學到很多東西

or hearing Nicole talk to just about anybody

或者聽妮可跟任何人說話

because it's not like any other conversation

因為它不像任何其他對話

you're going to be hearing.

你將會聽到。

Trust me, trust me on this.

相信我，相信我這一點。

You can hear more of Nicole Byer

你可以聽到更多關於妮可-拜爾的消息

by subscribing to "Why Won't You Date Me?"

通過訂閱 "你為什麼不和我約會？"

wherever you get your podcasts.

無論你在哪裡得到你的播客。

Don't be a fool.

別傻了

Get Nicole Byer in your life.

讓妮可-拜爾進入你的生活。

[Nicole] Yes.

[妮可]是的。