[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Well, guys, today,

好了，夥計們，今天。

President Trump visited a town in Texas

特朗普總統訪問德克薩斯州的一個小鎮

to mark the completion

以示完成

of the more than 400 miles of border wall.

400多英里長的邊境牆的。

When they heard Trump was coming to the border,

當他們聽說特朗普要來邊境的時候。

Mexico was like, "Whew! Thank God that wall is here."

墨西哥很喜歡，"呼！感謝上帝，牆在這裡。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, what a time to celebrate the effectiveness of a wall --

是啊，多好的時機來慶祝一堵牆的有效性 --

six days after this happened.

這事發生後六天。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

You know your presidency is off the rails

你知道你的總統任期已經出軌了嗎？

when you have to distract from your attempted coup

當你不得不從你的政變企圖中分心時。

with your giant symbol of racism.

用你那巨大的種族主義象徵。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But this was interesting -- when asked what he was doing there,

但這很有趣 -- 當被問及他在那裡做什麼時，。

Trump said, "I'm just planning my escape.

特朗普說："我只是在計劃我的逃跑。

That seems like a good route."

這似乎是一條不錯的路線。"

Meanwhile, the wall only covers 20% of the U.S.-Mexico border.

同時，這堵牆只覆蓋了美墨邊境的20%。

20%.

20%.

Let me ask you a question.

讓我問你一個問題。

If you ordered a pizza and only got 1 1/2 slices,

如果你點了披薩，卻只吃到了1片半。

would you have a good Yelp review of there?

你會有一個很好的Yelp評論有？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, Trump visited the border in the town of Alamo, Texas.

是的，特朗普訪問了德克薩斯州阿拉莫鎮的邊境。

He was like, "Thanks to me, everyone will remember Alamo."

他說："多虧了我，大家才會記得阿拉莫。"

[ Light laughter ]

[輕笑]

In the end, Trump didn't finish building the wall,

最後，特朗普並沒有完成建牆。

and Mexico never paid for it,

而墨西哥從未為此付出過代價。

but other than that, pretty good.

但除此之外，相當不錯。

Pretty good.

很好

[ Laughter and applause ] You guys having fun?

[笑聲和掌聲] 你們玩得開心嗎？

You guys having a good time? [ Cheers and applause ]

你們玩得開心嗎？[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Great.

厲害

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

While Trump was at the border,

當特朗普在邊境。

he engaged in one of his favorite traditions

他從事他最喜歡的傳統之一

and signed a section of the wall.

並在牆上籤了一段字。

Watch this.

看這個。

[ Light laughter ]

[輕笑]

Yeah.

是啊。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Trump was like, "Okay, wall, you're now officially pardoned."

特朗普當時說："好吧，牆，你現在正式被赦免了。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Right now, writing on his border wall

現在，寫在他的邊境牆

is the only place where Trump's allowed to post.

是唯一允許特朗普發帖的地方。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

♪♪

♪♪

So that's two crimes he's committed in the past week --

所以這是他在過去一週犯下的兩起罪行... So that's two crimes he's committed in the past week...

incitement of a riot and graffiti.

煽動騷亂和塗鴉；

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Times are tough for Trump right now.

現在特朗普的日子很難過。

After he defaced the wall,

在他汙損了牆壁之後。

he was sent to live with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air.

他被送到貝爾艾爾和他的叔叔阿姨一起生活。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Before leaving to go visit the wall,

臨走前去參觀牆面。

Trump spoke to reporters

特朗普對記者說

and was asked about the riot at the Capitol.

並被問及國會大廈的騷亂。

And listen to this.

聽聽這個。

[ Engine rumbling ]

[發動機隆隆聲]

-So if you read my speech -- and many people have done it --

-所以，如果你讀了我的演講稿 -- 許多人都讀了 --

it's been analyzed, and people thought that

經過分析，大家認為

what I said was totally appropriate.

我說的是完全合適的。

-I just got to quote Seinfeld and say,

-我得引用Seinfeld的話說：

"Who are these people?! Who are these people?!"

"這些人是誰？這些人是誰？"

"They're the people of the..."

"他們是... "的人。

"Who are these people?!" [ Laughter ]

"這些人是誰？"[笑聲]

By the way, that wasn't a jet engine in the background --

對了，背景裡的不是噴氣式發動機... ...

that was 300 million Americans sighing at the same time.

那是三億美國人同時在嘆息。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And this is big -- last night, Trump and Vice President Pence

這是一個大問題 -- 昨晚，特朗普和副總統彭斯。

met in person inside the Oval Office,

在橢圓形辦公室內親自會面。

marking the first time they had spoken since last week's riot.

這是他們自上週暴動以來第一次說話。

Things quickly got off to an awkward start when Trump said,

當特朗普說，事情很快就有了一個尷尬的開始。

"So, I think someone owes me an apology."

"所以，我覺得有人欠我一個道歉。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, we've all been in Pence's shoes, though.

是啊，雖然我們都在彭斯的位置上。

You know what I mean?

你知道我的意思嗎？

That uncomfortable meeting with your boss

與老闆不愉快的會面

after he sent a crazed mob of vengeful rioters to zip-tie you.

在他派了一群瘋狂的暴徒來給你綁上拉鍊之後。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

But Trump tried to make nice.

但特朗普想和好如初。

He even gave Pence

他甚至給彭斯

a "Sorry I almost got you killed" meat and cheese platter

一個 "對不起，我差點害死你 "的肉和奶酪拼盤。

from Harry & David.

從哈利和大衛。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I never saw that in that bill -- pamphlet I got there.

在我拿到的那本賬單--小冊子裡，我從來沒有看到過這一點。

Well, speaking of the Vice President,

嗯，說到副總統，

earlier tonight, the House voted on a resolution

今晚早些時候，眾議院對一項決議進行了表決

urging Pence to invoke the 25th Amendment.

敦促彭斯援引第25條修正案。

It's a tough choice for Pence --

對彭斯來說，這是一個艱難的選擇----。

invoke the 25th and have MAGA Nation hate you,

援引25號，讓MAGA國家恨你。

or refuse and still have MAGA Nation hate you.

或拒絕，仍然有MAGA國家恨你。

You could tell Pence was nervous

你可以看出彭斯很緊張

'cause he spent all day slamming milks

"因為他整天都在砸牛奶

like it was Friday at 5:00 p.m.

就像星期五下午5點一樣。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, Mike Pence is being called on to invoke the 25th Amendment,

是啊，邁克-彭斯被要求援引第25條修正案。

and Trump is not happy.

而特朗普卻不高興。

But I'm not sure Trump understands

但我不確定特朗普是否理解。

what the 25th Amendment actually does.

第25條修正案的實際作用。

To be honest, I'm not sure if he knows what most amendments do.

老實說，我不知道他是否知道大多數修正案的作用。

For example -- -Oh, here we go.

例如--------------------------------------我們走吧。

-Tariq, what's up? -Let me guess --

-塔裡克，怎麼了？-讓我猜猜...

you're gonna make fun of Trump

你要取笑川普

for not knowing what any of the amendments mean.

因為不知道任何修正案的含義。

-I mean, yeah, that was -- that was the plan.

-我的意思是，是的，那是... ... 那是計劃。

-And each joke, it'll pop up, like, as a graphic,

-每一個笑話，它都會彈出，就像，作為一個圖形。

so that everyone can see it and laugh about it.

好讓大家看到後一笑了之。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Right. Right. I do -- I do comedy.

-好的對，對，我...我做 - 我做喜劇。

-I know exactly how this will go down.

-我很清楚這一切會怎樣發展下去.

So, the top of the screen will say the name of the amendment,

所以，螢幕上方會寫著修正案的名字。

like the First Amendment,

如第一修正案。

and then under that, you'll say what Trump thinks it means,

然後在這之下，你會說特朗普認為是什麼意思。

like he thinks the First Amendment is...

就像他認為第一修正案是...

[ Laughter ] Or -- Or you'll show

[笑]或 - 或者你會顯示

the Fifth Amendment,

第五修正案。

and Trump knows that one as...

和特朗普知道，一個作為... ...

[ Laughter ] -Yeah.

[笑] 是啊。

-And then -- then you do, like,

-然後... ... 然後你就會做，就像。

the Seventh Amendment or something.

第七修正案什麼的。

And Trump -- he thinks that one is...

而特朗普--他認為那個人是... ...

-Ohh! [ Laughter and applause ]

-[笑聲和掌聲]

-Yeah. Yeah.

-是啊，是啊是啊，是啊。

-And then you'll finish it off with the 25th Amendment,

-然後你會用第25條修正案來結束它。

which Trump thinks is...

特朗普認為這是...

-Yeah. [ Laughter ]

-是的。是啊。 [笑]

-Is -- Is -- Is that how it's going to go?

-是，是，是這樣的嗎？

-Uh, yeah. You nailed it. [ Chuckles ]

-嗯，是的。嗯，是的。 你釘了它。[笑]

-Seems like a fun bit. You should do it.

-看起來很有趣你應該去做

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

-Great, we'll do it tomorrow.

-很好，我們明天再做。

-Looking forward to it.

-期待著它。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Well, lots of people

-好吧，很多人

are distancing themselves from the President,

正在與總統保持距離。

including New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick.

包括新英格蘭愛國者隊主教練比爾-貝利奇克。

Last night, he said

昨天晚上，他說

he won't accept the Presidential Medal of Freedom from Trump.

他不會接受特朗普頒發的總統自由勳章。

Yep. It was a hard decision for the coach.

是的。這對教練來說是個艱難的決定。

I heard he bought a new hooded, sleeveless tuxedo

聽說他買了一件新的連帽無袖燕尾服。

for the occasion.

為了這個場合。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Here's some good news -- yesterday, Governor Cuomo vowed

有一個好消息 -- 昨天，州長Cuomo發誓說："我的天啊，我的天啊，我的天啊！"。

that New York will legalize recreational marijuana.

紐約將使休閒大麻合法化。

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Great job.

幹得好

New Yorkers have spent almost a year with nothing to do

紐約人在近一年的時間裡無所事事

but sit at home and watch Netflix.

但坐在家裡看網劇。

Now you legalize weed?

現在你把大麻合法化了？

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

"Who are these people?!"

"這些人是誰？"

I think New York is ready for legal weed.

我認為紐約已經準備好了合法的大麻。

Just look at the Statue of Liberty.

看看自由女神像就知道了。

Our most famous symbol is green, wearing a bathrobe,

我們最著名的標誌是綠色，穿著浴袍。

and holding up a lighter.

並舉著打火機。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Some entertainment news --

一些娛樂新聞 -- --

during last night's episode of "The Bachelor,"

在昨晚的 "單身漢 "的節目中，

the women played a game called "Capture the Heart."

她們玩了一個叫 "奪心 "的遊戲。

And one contestant, Victoria,

還有一位參賽者，維多利亞。

had an interesting way of describing the other team.

有一個有趣的方式來描述另一個團隊。

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-Whoo!

-哇！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Gestures?

-姿態？

"And, Matt, he's like a K-night of the Round Table."

"而且，馬特，他就像圓桌的K夜。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Later in the episode, there was some drama

後來的劇情中，有一些戲劇性

between Victoria and another contestant.

維多利亞和另一位參賽者之間。

And Victoria tried to say that they don't mix well,

而維多利亞想說，他們混得不好。

like oil and water,

像油和水一樣。

but, instead, she said this.

但是，她卻這樣說。

-Yeah, and I think that we can --

-是的，我認為我們可以 --

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

-Actually, that goes pretty well together.

-事實上，這很好的搭配。

"I mean, we're like peanut butter and...jelly?"

"我是說，我們就像花生醬和......果凍？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

You could tell her face was like,

你能看出她的臉色很像。

"I don't think this is right,"

"我覺得這樣不對"。

but her mouth was like, "Nope, I'm going for it, yeah."

但她的嘴是這樣的， "不，我要為它，是的。"

[ Laughter ] We're laughing,

[笑] 我們在笑。

but tomorrow, she's getting the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

但明天，她就會獲得總統自由勳章。

That amazing? [ Laughter and applause ]

這麼神奇？[笑聲和掌聲]

Isn't that amazing?

是不是很神奇？

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

And finally, I saw that Ben & Jerry's

最後，我看到Ben & Jerry的

has started selling its own frozen dog treats.

已經開始銷售自己的冷凍狗糧。

Trust me, once weed becomes legal in New York,

相信我，一旦大麻在紐約合法化，

that'll be just ice cream.

這將是隻是冰淇淋。

What a show we have for you tonight --

我們今晚為你準備了什麼節目...

she stars in the new movie "Locked Down" on HBO Max.

她出演了HBO Max的新片《鎖住》。

Anne Hathaway is here tonight!

安妮-海瑟薇今晚在這裡！

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Plus, she's the host of

另外，她還是《》的主持人

"A Little Late with Lilly Singh" on NBC --

"A Little Late with Lilly Singh" on NBC --

Lilly Singh is here!

莉莉-辛格來了!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

And we got great music from Jazmine Sullivan!

而賈茲明-沙利文的音樂也很棒！

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Be sure to tune in tomorrow night --

明晚一定要收看 --

Riz Ahmed and Angela Bassett will be here.

瑞茲-艾哈邁德和安吉拉-巴塞特會在這裡。

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

And we got an all-- we got an all-new

我們得到了一個全 - 我們得到了一個全新的。

"Freestylin' with The Roots."

"Freestylin'與根。"

You guys excited to do that one?

你們很興奮做那個？

-Uh. Yeah, yeah.

-嗯，是的，是的

-Sure.

-當然

-Yup.

-是的

-Nasty.

-討厭

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Well, it's a fun bit. Anyway...

-好吧，這是一個有趣的位。總之...

You guys have a good day today?

你們今天過得好嗎？

-Pretty good. Yeah.

-很好挺好的

-It was fine.

-很好

-Yeah. Same.

-是的同樣的。

-Nasty.

-討厭

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

-I had a good day -- I had a good day, too.

-我有一個很好的一天 - 我有一個很好的一天，太。

Did you guys have anything good for lunch or anything?

你們有什麼好吃的午餐嗎？

-Um, no, not really.

-嗯，不，不是真的。

-The usual.

-和往常一樣

-I microwaved some salmon, so...

-我用微波爐加熱了一些鮭魚，所以... ...

-Nasty.

-討厭

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Well, everyone should...

-好吧，每個人都應該...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Everyone should check out "Freestylin'" tomorrow.

大家明天應該去看看 "Freestylin"。