to make big life decisions, and sometimes

做出重大的人生決定，有時

we could all use a little help.

我們都可以使用一點點幫助。

With that in mind, it's time for "Life Coach with Bill Burr."

考慮到這一點，現在是 "比爾-伯爾的生活教練 "時間。

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Life Coach with Bill Burr ♪

比爾-伯爾的人生導師

-Wow. I love that.

-哇，我喜歡。哇。 我喜歡這樣。

♪ Life Coach ♪

生活教練

I'm joined now by life coach Bill Burr.

我現在由生活教練比爾-伯爾加入。

Thank you for being here, Bill.

謝謝你來這裡，比爾。

-That might be the height of the segment, that little song.

-這可能是這段的最高境界，那首小曲。

-[ Laughs ] No, no. So, here's what --

-[笑] 不，不。所以，這裡是什麼 -

Let me explain what we did. We had viewers

讓我解釋一下我們的做法。我們有觀眾

send in some questions that they need your coaching on.

發送一些問題，他們需要你的輔導。

And I'd love for you to give some tough advice.

我很想讓你給一些嚴厲的建議。

-That's right. If you can't afford a professional,

-沒錯如果你請不起專業人員

ask someone with no degree.

問一個沒有學位的人。

Let's do it. -[ Laughs ]

我們開始吧-[笑]

Here we go. The first one says...

我們開始吧第一個說...

-Well, it's great that you love your cat

-你愛你的貓真是太好了

'cause your boyfriend doesn't love you.

因為你的男朋友不愛你。

All right?

好嗎？

If he loved you, he would have moved in with you.

如果他愛你，他就會搬來和你一起住。

Or if he loved you at that level.

或者說，如果他愛你到那個程度。

Like, if I met -- When I met my wife,

就像，如果我遇到... ... 當我遇到我的妻子。

the woman of my dreams,

我夢中的女人。

if she had a cat and I was allergic to it,

如果她有一隻貓，我對它過敏。

I would have figured something out.

我一定會想出辦法的。

I wouldn't have been like, "Listen. You're the one for me.

我不會一直喜歡，"聽著，你是我的唯一。你是我的唯一。

I think about you all the time. But you got a cat, so..."

我一直在想你。但你有一隻貓，所以..."

I think he's saying he enjoys having sex with you

我覺得他是說他喜歡和你做愛

but he doesn't want to go any further.

但他不想再繼續下去了。

So, you know. -Yeah. Wow.

所以，你知道的。-是啊。是啊。 哇。

-I hope you got a nice cat.

-我希望你有一隻好貓

-There you go. Hey. Number two...

-在這裡，你去。給你。 - 嘿。二號...

-Ohh.

-哦

Yeah. You don't marry the guy.

是啊，你不能嫁給他你不要嫁給那個人。

-Yeah. -All right?

-是的 好嗎？

And I don't even think you're in love with the guy

而且我甚至不認為你愛上了這個人。

you're working with. -Yeah, me neither.

你的工作。-是的，我也是

-I just think -- You're not in love.

-我只是覺得... ...你並不愛我。

You don't want to do this.

你不會想這麼做的

You know what the problem is, Jimmy?

你知道問題是什麼嗎，吉米？

Is they never teach you how to break up with somebody.

他們從來沒有教過你如何和別人分手。

Okay? So...

好嗎？ - 所以...那麼...

This person has probably wanted

這個人可能已經想

to get out of this relationship for -- What would you say?

擺脫這段關係... ...你會怎麼說？

At least a year, maybe two? -Yep.

至少一年，也許兩年？-是的

-So what this person really needs

-那麼這個人真正需要的是

is help on how to break up.

是幫助如何分手。

So what you gotta do -- All you say is, "We need to talk."

所以你要做的是... 你只需要說 "我們需要談談"

And then when he sits down, just say,

然後等他坐下來，就說。

"Look. I don't want to marry you."

"聽著，我不想和你結婚。我不想嫁給你。"

Just get it out there.

只要把它傳出去。

Now the Band-Aid's been ripped off.

現在Ok繃被撕掉了。

And whatever he's going to do, it's going to crush him.

不管他要做什麼，都會把他壓垮。

It's going to break his heart.

這會讓他傷心的。

But it'd be way worse if you broke his heart

但如果你傷了他的心，那就更糟糕了

a couple decades and a couple of kids from now.

幾十年後，還有幾個孩子。

You know? So just get out of it.

你知道嗎？所以，只要擺脫它。

"I don't want to marry you." -Yeah. I totally agree.

"我不想和你結婚。"-是的，我完全同意

-Bang that guy at work, but you don't love him, either.

-和工作中的那個人上床，但你也不愛他。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Stop thinking that women are so precious.

-不要再認為女人是如此珍貴。

All right? They're human beings. They're just like men.

好嗎？他們是人類。他們就像男人一樣。

They make a lot of mistakes, and they also have faults.

他們犯了很多錯誤，也有過錯。

The fact that, like --

事實上，像...

This dynamic when you get in a relationship

當你談戀愛的時候，這種動態

that women can basically say --

婦女基本上可以說...

You know, anything you need to work on,

你知道，任何你需要的工作。

they're gonna bring it up, but you have to approach it

他們會提出來的，但你必須接近它。

like the end of an action movie,

就像一部動作片的結尾。

like, which wire can I snip so this thing doesn't blow up.

就像，哪條線我可以狙擊 所以這個東西不炸。

You got to sit there and say, "Listen.

你得坐在那裡，說："聽著。

You know, I'm not saying I don't love you.

你知道，我不是說我不愛你。

I'm not saying I don't care about you.

我不是說我不關心你。

But you sound like a dump truck full of peat moss

但你的口氣就像一輛裝滿泥炭蘚的垃圾車。

backing up every night...

每天晚上備份...

-[ Laughs ]

-[笑]

-...and I can't get to sleep, so something's gotta give.

-我無法入睡，所以有些東西必須要給。

I don't want you to wear a scuba mask, you know?

我不想讓你戴上潛水面具，你知道嗎？

So can I just sleep in the other room?"

那我能不能就睡在另一個房間？"

-Yeah. Or can we get a Breathe Right strip?

-是的。或者我們可以得到一個呼吸權條？

There's things we can do.

我們可以做一些事情。

-"Your snoring is as ugly as you are beautiful.

-"你的鼾聲和你的美麗一樣醜陋。

Honey, I have to sleep down the hall."

親愛的，我得睡在大廳裡。"

This is a great exercise, though.

這雖然是一個很好的練習。

Because there's this whole narrative out there

因為有這整個敘事在那裡。

that guys are just these A-holes to their girlfr--

男人們只是這些A -holes對他們的女朋友 --

Like, every one of us.

就像，我們每一個人。

And most guys are like this guy, where it's, like, you're afraid.

而大多數人都像這個人一樣，在那裡，就像，你害怕。

"Hey, I don't want to say anything,

"哎，我什麼都不想說。

but, you know, your mom pushed my kid

但是，你知道，你媽媽推我的孩子

down the stairs the other day. I don't want to offend you."

前幾天下樓的時候。我不想得罪你。"

It's just like --- You just -- You gotta get it out there.

這就像------你只是------你得把它說出來。

Just say, "Listen. You are..."

就說，"聽著，你是...你是..."

If my wife snores, I just take my foot

如果我老婆打呼嚕，我就把腳拿開

and I slowly push her out of the bed.

我慢慢地把她從床上推下來。

-Okay. Here we go.

-好的，我們走吧

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-She does it to me, too. She'll just wake me up.

-她也對我這樣做。她會叫醒我.

She'll just be like, "You got to get out of here."

她就會說，"你得離開這裡"

-I know. Gosh. -"Am I snoring?"

-我知道我知道，天哪-"我打鼾了嗎？"

She's like, "Yes. Get out of here."

她說，"是的，離開這裡"

And she, like, hands me the pillow and the comforter.

她一樣，遞給我枕頭和被子。

I don't wake up the next day upset with her.

我不會在第二天醒來時對她心生不滿。

-[ Laughs ] No.

-不

-♪ Honesty ♪

-誠實

-All right, first of all, you gotta address

-好吧，首先，你要解決的是

the honesty of the situation. He doesn't keep forgetting.

的誠實。他不會一直忘記。

What happens is you keep washing his dishes.

結果就是你一直給他洗碗。

All right? And you're not calling him on his [bleep].

好嗎？而且你也沒有說他的[嗶]。

So bas-- Oh, sorry. You're not calling him on his business.

所以... ... 哦，對不起。你不是在說他的事吧？

So I would say, you know...

所以我會說，你知道... ...

-He forgets to wash them.

-他忘了清洗它們.

-Can you beat this guy up? Can you beat this guy up?

-你能打敗這傢伙嗎？你能打得過他嗎？

'Cause if you can, you can just threaten vi--

因為如果你有能力，你可以威脅...

You can use the threat of violence.

你可以使用暴力威脅。

"If you don't do this, I'm gonna beat the [bleep] out of you,"

"如果你不這麼做，我就把你打得屁滾尿流"。

which for some reason you're not allowed to say that anymore

出於某種原因，你不允許說了。

despite when somebody needs an ass-kicking.

儘管有人需要被踢屁股，

So, Jimmy, we got go more progressive here.

所以，Jimmy，我們得更進步一些。

-Yeah. Okay.

-是啊 是啊好吧，我知道了

But leaving dishes in the sink, this is -- You threaten him?

但把盤子留在水槽裡，這是... ... 你在威脅他？

-I would just start scraping the food off his plate

-我會開始刮掉他盤子裡的食物。

and put it in his pillow case.

並把它放在他的枕頭盒裡。

But I'd be nice and I'd leave a Post-It.

但我會很好，我會留下一張便籤。

I'd say, "Hey, you know,

我會說："嘿，你知道的。

you keep forgetting your food on the plate,

你一直把食物忘在盤子裡。

so I figured I'd put it in a place

所以我想我應該把它放在一個地方

where you'd remember it."

你會記得的地方。"

Don't do it and not say that you did it

不要做，也不要說是你做的。

'cause then you're going to look like some chick

"因為那樣你就會看起來像個小雞

who keyed his car.

誰把他的車鑰匙。

You got to let him know you did it.

你得讓他知道你做到了。

Then when he comes out, just be like, "Listen.

然後當他出來的時候，就像，"聽。

I'm not your maid. And you're not forgetting.

我不是你的女僕。你也沒有忘記。

And I'm not cleaning up after you.

而且我也不會在你之後清理。

You do it again, I'm going to take biggest plate

你再這樣，我就拿最大的盤子了

I can find that you used or I used

我可以找到你用過或我用過的

and I'm gonna smash it over your head."

我要把它砸在你頭上。"

And I hate to say that,

我也不想這麼說。

but violence is only thing that people like that understand.

但暴力是這種人唯一能理解的東西。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

The threat of violence.

暴力威脅；

-I want to do this all night long.

-我想整晚都這樣做。

-This could be my new self-help book.

-這可能是我的新自助書。

-[ Laughs ] Okay. All right. This is the last one here.

-[笑] 好吧。好吧，這是最後一個。這是最後一個在這裡。

I just figured I'd say this because you --

我只是覺得我應該這麼說，因為你... ...

-Out of everybody, that guy bugged me the most.

-所有人中，那個人最讓我煩心.

-Yep. Oh, really? Yeah. -Oh, yeah.

-是的是的 - 哦，真的嗎？是的 哦，是的

I lived with a guy like that.

我和這樣的人住在一起

-Yeah. Forget to wash them.

-是啊忘了洗他們。

I'm bringing this up because, gosh, you have a beautiful --

我提出來是因為，天哪，你有一個美麗的... ...

You have two babies. You have a beautiful little 4-year-old.

你有兩個孩子。你有一個漂亮的4歲小寶寶。

So this one is -- It says...

所以這個是... 它說...

-All right. This is what happens.

-好的這就是發生了什麼。

Sometimes when you love your kids so much,

有時候，當你這麼愛你的孩子。

you're afraid to discipline them,

你不敢管教他們。

and you're literally gotten to --

而你真的得到了 -

Like, reading that question, I understand it as a parent,

就像，看了這個問題，作為家長的我明白了。

but also it's kind of hilarious that you're acting like

但它也是一種滑稽的，你的行為像

this 5-year-old girl can beat the crap out of you.

這個5歲的女孩可以擊敗廢話了你。

Okay? You're the parent. She's the kid.

好嗎？你是父母。她是孩子。

You tell the kid that they have to sit there

你告訴孩子，他們必須坐在那裡。

until they finish their vegetables.

直到他們吃完蔬菜。

And dessert should be something that they occasionally have.

而甜點應該是他們偶爾會吃的東西。

So you have to undo what you did,

所以你必須撤銷你所做的事情。

which was you let this kid get away with murder.

這是你讓這個孩子逃脫了謀殺。

The fact that that kid is throwing vegetables on the floor

那孩子把菜扔在地上的事實。

and you're tolerating it is your own damn fault.

而你容忍它是你自己該死的錯。

The kid's acting like it has its own sitcom series.

這孩子的行為就像它有自己的情景喜劇系列。

It doesn't. All right?

它沒有。好嗎？

It's not paying any rent. It has no -- [ Laughs ]

它不支付任何租金。它沒有 - [笑]

It has no bargaining chips.

它沒有討價還價的籌碼。

-The kid's not unboxing toys or anything. Nothing.

-這孩子不是在拆玩具箱什麼的。什麼都沒有

-Yes. Yes. It's not "Ryan's World."

-是的，是的是的，是的這不是 "瑞恩的世界"。

Okay? Ryan can throw his vegetables.

好嗎？萊恩可以扔他的蔬菜。

My daughter loves that show.

我女兒很喜歡這個節目。

It's one of the few times I ever lied to my daughter.

這是我為數不多的一次對女兒撒謊。

She goes, "Can we watch Ryan?" I go, "No, he's sleeping."

她去，"我們可以看萊恩？"我說："不行，他在睡覺。"

-[ Laughs ]

-[笑]

-Because he's sleeping in the TV.

-因為他在電視裡睡覺.

And I couldn't do it. I finally just said, "Listen.

我做不到最後我只是說："聽著。

Daddy can only handle 20 minutes of that show. I'm sorry."

爸爸只能應付20分鐘的節目。我很抱歉。"

All right? I can watch Bugs Bunny all day long,

好嗎？我可以看兔八哥一整天。

I can watch "Sesame Street." There's jokes in it for me, too.

我可以看 "芝麻街"。裡面也有我喜歡的笑話。

All right? I actually watch "Ryan's World,"

好嗎？其實我看的是 "瑞恩的世界"。

and I get the fascinated with the parents,

而我得到的是父母的迷戀。

their level of energy. -Yes! Me too!

他們的能量水準。-是的！是的！ 我也是！

-Like, how they sit there in a 5-, 6-year-old mind-set

-就像，他們坐在那裡，以一種5，6歲的心態來看待問題一樣

all day long.

一天到晚。

I mean, I get it. They're all making cash.

我的意思是，我得到它。他們都在賺取現金。

But, good Lord, I feel bad for them.

但是，老天爺，我為他們感到難過。

-[ Laughs ]

-[笑]

-I'm gonna be honest with you. I don't want to jinx Ryan,

-我跟你說實話吧.我不想給瑞安帶來厄運。

but I don't think that marriage is going to last.

但我不認為婚姻會持續下去。

Anyways, getting back

不管怎樣，回到正題

to this little kid here with the vegetables --

這個小孩在這裡與蔬菜 -

You just have to -- You're gonna have to sit

你只需要... ...你要去必須坐

through some epic meltdowns

幾經波折

and you're just gonna have to make her eat the vegetables.

你只是要去有 讓她吃蔬菜。

And you're doing a good thing.

你在做一件好事。

Because this kid is going to become a fat person

因為這孩子要變成一個胖子了。

if they're not eating vegetables

如果他們不吃蔬菜

and other kids are going to be mean to them

而其他孩子會對他們凶巴巴的。

no matter how many little positive things

無論多少小事

are out there on social media.

是在社交媒體上有。

That's what happens.

這就是發生的事情。

So you need to get this kid shredded

所以你得把這孩子切成碎片

so the kid can go out in the world

讓孩子到外面的世界去

and have a chance when it turns 6.

並在6歲時有機會。

-Shredded. [ Laughs ]

-碎了。[笑]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-I don't know. I get it.

-我不知道，我明白我不知道 - 我明白了

Because my --

因為我的...

You know, my daughter manipulates me pretty well,

你知道，我女兒把我操縱得很好。

but not to that level of, like --

但沒有達到那種程度，像 -

I have, like, a line,

我有，像，一條線。

and a kid starting to throw food on the ground,

和一個孩子開始扔食物在地上。

that's just, like -- that's not happening.

這只是，就像 - 這是不可能的。

-Gosh.

-天啊

Dude, this has been unbelievable.

夥計，這已經是不可思議的。

And I'm not even just saying this.

而且我也不是隨便說說的。

Unbelievable.

難以置信

I thought the bit was going to be fun,

我覺得這個位子會很有趣。

but it is beyond fun.

但它是超越樂趣。

It was funny, but it's also so --

這很有趣，但它也是如此 --

It was just very you.

這只是很你。

I loved it. It's very smart. I really appreciate it.

我喜歡它。這是非常聰明的。我真的很欣賞它。

This is fantastic for all these people.

這對所有這些人來說都是太棒了。

They're lucky they got a life coach with Bill Burr.

他們很幸運，有比爾-伯爾的生活指導。

We'll talk more with Bill later in the show.

我們稍後會在節目中與比爾詳談。

-Hey. Whenever you want to do it, Jimmy, I got the time.

-嘿，無論你什麼時候想做，吉米，我都有時間

This pandemic has just opened up my schedule.

這場瘟疫剛剛打開了我的日程表。