Thank you very much.

非常感謝你。

Welcome, welcome, welcome to

歡迎，歡迎，歡迎來到

"The Tonight Show."

"今夜秀"。

[ Cheering and applause ] Ah!

[歡呼和掌聲] 啊！

Well, guys, the first week of 2021

好了，夥計們，2021年的第一個星期。

was quite a year.

是相當的一年。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

You know, when I got into comedy as a teenager,

你知道，當我十幾歲進入喜劇界的時候。

I never imagined I would spend three days

我從來沒有想過我會花三天時間

discussing an American coup.

討論美國政變。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Honestly, if I knew what this week was going to be like,

說實話，如果我知道這週會是什麼樣子。

everyone would've spent New Year's Eve poppin' bottles

逢年過節，人人有酒喝

of Pepto-Bismol.

百事可樂的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, it's been a hell of a week.

是啊，這是一個星期的地獄。

If the country were a rental car, Trump's returning it

如果國家是一輛租來的車，特朗普要還車了

with an empty tank and a huge dent.

油箱裡空空如也，還有一個巨大的凹痕。

[ As Trump ] She's all yours.

她是你的了。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But Trump is in some serious trouble.

但特朗普卻遇到了一些大麻煩。

It's sounding like, next week,

聽起來像是，下週。

he really could be impeached again.

他真的可能再次被彈劾。

[ Cheering and applause ] Yeah, Trump could be

[歡呼和掌聲] 是啊，特朗普可能是

the first U.S. president in history

美國曆史上第一位總統

to get impeached twice.

以獲得兩次彈劾。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And, if Rudy Giuliani gets involved,

而且，如果魯迪-朱利安尼參與進來。

he could probably squeeze in a third.

他可能會擠在第三個。

[ Laughter ] I mean --

[笑]我的意思是 -

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

No one gets impeached twice.

沒有人被彈劾兩次。

Do you know how hard it is to do?

你知道這有多難做嗎？

It's basically O.J. getting away with it,

基本上是O.J.逍遙法外。

then getting nine years for stealing sports memorabilia.

然後因為偷竊體育紀念品被判9年。

[ Laughter ] It can't happen.

[笑] 這不可能發生。

It can't.

它不能。

Seriously, you know you messed up

說真的，你知道你搞砸了

when you're fired and, on the way out,

當你被炒魷魚，並且，在離開的時候。

you somehow get fired again.

你又被解僱了

It's like, "Wait. What?"

這就像，"等待。什麼？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Trump's life is really historic.

特朗普的一生真的是歷史性的。

He's on track to be the only president to get elected once,

他有望成為唯一一位當選一次的總統。

impeached twice,

兩次被彈劾。

and divorced three times.

並離了三次婚。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, after a 12-hour ban,

同時，經過12小時的禁賽。

Trump's Twitter account was restored

特朗普的推特賬號被恢復

and today he tweeted...

而今天他在推特上...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

In related news,

相關新聞：

the New York Jets announced they won't be

紐約噴氣機隊宣佈，他們將不會是

at this year's Super Bowl.

在今年的超級碗。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

[ Drumbeat ]

[鼓聲]

[ Cymbals crash ] [ Playing funk ]

[鈸的崩潰] [玩放克]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Laughter ] -What are you swinging?

[笑聲] 你在蕩什麼？

Is that a pocket watch? -It's a chain.

那是懷錶嗎？-是一條鏈子

Yeah, a pocket watch, yeah. [ Laughter ]

是啊，一個懷錶，是啊。[笑聲]

-Like the '40s? -Yeah.

-喜歡40年代嗎？-是的

♪♪

♪♪

There you go. There you go.

你去那裡。好了，好了

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, last night, Trump posted a video on Twitter

好吧，昨晚，特朗普在Twitter上發佈了一段視頻。

where he tried to bring down the temperature of the country.

在那裡，他試圖讓這個國家的溫度下降。

Listen to what he said.

聽聽他怎麼說。

-Now, Congress has certified the results.

-現在，國會已經認證了結果。

A new administration will be inaugurated on January 20th.

新一屆政府將於1月20日就職。

My focus now turns to ensuring a smooth, orderly,

我現在的工作重點是確保順利、有序地開展工作。

and seamless transition of power.

和權力的無縫過渡。

This moment calls for healing and reconciliation.

此時此刻，我們需要療傷與和解。

-Last time I heard someone that nervous

-我最後一次聽到有人這麼緊張

reading something out loud,

大聲讀出一些東西。

it was at a bar mitzvah.

這是在一個成人禮。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

After Trump finished his speech, he was like --

特朗普演講結束後，他就像----。

[ As Trump ] Okay, now, can I have dessert?

好了，現在，我可以吃甜點了嗎？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, the riots at the Capitol are still being examined

同時，國會大廈的騷亂仍在審查中。

and anyone who might've played a role

以及任何可能扮演角色的人

is being investigated. Listen to this.

正在調查中。聽聽這個。

-Federal prosecutors are saying they are looking

-聯邦檢察官說，他們正在尋找。

at all actors involved in the riot

所有參與騷亂的行為者

at the Capitol on Wednesday, including the role

週三在國會大廈舉行的，包括作用在內的

that President Trump played in inciting the crowd.

特朗普總統在煽動人群中扮演的角色。

-If Trump ever goes to prison, he's going to be really lonely,

-如果特朗普進了監獄，他就會很孤獨了

since he pardoned all of his friends.

因為他赦免了他所有的朋友。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Speaking of, Trump has suggested to aides

說到這裡，特朗普曾向助手建議

that he wants to pardon himself

他想赦免自己

in the final days of his presidency.

在他擔任總統的最後幾天。

Some people are wondering

有些人想知道

if Trump can even pardon himself, but don't worry.

如果特朗普連自己都能赦免，但別擔心。

Rudy Giuliani already has a bunch

魯迪-朱利安尼已經有一堆了

of soaking wet documents to prove he can.

的浸溼文件，以證明他能。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, a lot of experts are questioning

是啊，很多專家都在質疑

if this is legal, but Trump is like --

如果這是合法的，但特朗普是像 -

[ As Trump ] In that case, I'll just pardon myself

既然如此，我就原諒我自己了

for pardoning myself.

原諒我自己。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, in light of this week's events,

同時，鑑於本週的事件。

Trump's Cabinet members are still stepping down.

特朗普的內閣成員仍在下臺。

Last night, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos

昨天晚上，教育部長貝特西-德沃斯

submitted her resignation.

她提交了辭呈。

Man, even Betsy DeVos is smart enough to get the hell out.

夥計，連貝特西-德沃斯都很聰明，可以滾蛋了。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Betsy told Trump, "Mr. President,

貝特西對特朗普說："總統先生。

it was the best...

這是最好的...

four years in my life."

四年來我的生活。"

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Really wise.

真的很有智慧。

Meanwhile, not all of Trump's Cabinet members

同時，特朗普的內閣成員也並非都是

have abandoned him This afternoon,

今天下午就拋棄了他

Ben Carson was like,

本-卡森就像。

[ Yawning ] "What'd I miss this week?"

[打哈欠] "這周我錯過了什麼？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Say what?

說什麼？

There's so much going on in the news right now,

現在新聞裡的事情太多了。

but it seems like not every network

但似乎不是每個網絡

is worried about the same thing. Watch this.

是擔心同樣的事情。看這個。

-CNN just learned that Betsy DeVos,

美國有線電視新聞網剛剛得知，貝特西-德沃斯。

the Education secretary is resigning.

教育局局長辭職了。

-Head of the Capitol Police is resigning,

-國會警察局局長要辭職了。

as is the sergeant of arms of the House

軍士長

and the sergeant of arms in the Senate.

和參議院的軍士長。

-Let me just give a plug for Olive Garden.

-讓我給橄欖園打個招呼吧。

[ Laughter ] I like Olive Garden.

我喜歡Olive Garden.

-The mood inside the White House,

-白宮內的氣氛。

according to aides, they say staffers are appalled,

據助手說，他們說工作人員都很震驚。

disgusted, and shocked.

厭惡，和震驚。

-I like their their salad, unlimited,

-我喜歡他們的沙拉，無限制。

[ Laughter ] unlimited garlic breadsticks

[笑聲] 無限的大蒜麵包條。

that are phenomenal.

是驚人的。

-The whole incident raises a lot of questions

-整個事件引發了很多問題

about police preparedness for the event.

關於警方對該事件的準備工作。

-They got these hot, doughnut-like things

-他們有這些熱乎乎的，像甜甜圈一樣的東西。

[ Laughter ] that you put like chocolate sauce with caramel on.

[笑]你把像巧克力醬 與焦糖上。

Great!

太好了！

[ Laughter and applause ] -Yeah.

[笑聲和掌聲] 是啊。

What?!

什麼？

He loves it.

他喜歡它。

Let's switch gears.

我們換個等級吧。

I saw that Elon Musk just passed Jeff Bezos

我看到埃隆-馬斯克剛剛超過傑夫-貝佐斯。

as the richest person in the world.

作為世界上最富有的人。

Anyway, if you can, hit up Jeff's GoFundMe page

無論如何，如果你可以的話，可以去Jeff的GoFundMe頁面。

and let's help him get back to number 1.

讓我們幫助他回到第一。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Even if you can spare one billion.

就算你能捨得花一個億。

Any bit helps.

任何一點幫助。

Some sports news.

一些體育新聞。

The NFL playoffs begin this weekend,

NFL季後賽本週末開始。

with 14 teams chasing at a chance at the Super Bowl.

與14支球隊追逐在超級碗的機會。

Seriously, after this week of news,

說真的，經過這一週的新聞，

the NFL playoffs are going to feel like

NFL季後賽的感覺就像

watching "Antiques Roadshow."

看 "古董路演"。

[ Laughter ] And, finally, I saw that a cat

[笑聲] 最後，我看到一隻貓

was recently rescued after it survived 11 days

最近被救出，在它存活了11天之後。

in the ceiling of LaGuardia Airport.

在拉瓜迪亞機場的天花板上。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

The cat was like, "Don't take me.

貓就說："不要帶我去。

It's all-you-can-eat rats up here."

這裡的老鼠都是你能吃的。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It was quite a scene at LaGuardia.

在拉瓜迪亞的場面相當壯觀。

Apparently, the cat was rescued, watched some of the news,

顯然，這隻貓被救了，看了一些新聞。

then ran right back up into the ceiling.

然後馬上跑回天花板。

So the other night I was looking for something to watch

有一天晚上我在找東西看

on, you know.

在，你知道的。

After the show, I went home

演出結束後，我回家了

and so Tariq texted me, "You should check out" --

所以塔裡克發短信給我 "你應該去看看" --

I go, "What should I watch?"

我去，"我應該看什麼？"

He goes, "James told me about this show,

他說："詹姆斯告訴我這個節目。

'Gangs of London.'" -Yeah.

"倫敦黑幫"。-是的

[ Laughter ] -Yeah. So I put it on.

[笑] 是啊。所以我把它放在。

That's the most violent show I've ever --

這是我看過的最暴力的節目... ...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Yeah! -seen in my entire life. -It's crazy.

-是啊！-在我的一生中看到的.-太瘋狂了.

Yeah. -You can't watch that at nighttime.

你不能在晚上看那個。

[ Laughter ] -Yeah, sure you can, man.

是的，你當然可以，夥計。

-The first 30 seconds, the dude is throwing a guy

-前30秒，這傢伙把一個人扔了出去

off the side of a building, then lights him on fire.

然後把他點著了。

[ Laughter ] -Yeah.

[笑] 是啊。

For good measure. -Yeah, no, "for good measure."

好的措施。-是的，不，"好的措施"。

No, I can't handle them.

不，我不能處理他們。

My brain can't handle that at nighttime.

我的大腦不能在晚上處理。

-What you do is you watch it, you watch a couple episodes,

-你要做的就是看，你看幾集。

and then you watch like "Bridgerton" or something,

然後你看像 "Bridgerton "什麼的。

like as a little palate cleanser

洗味劑

on your way before you go to sleep."

在你睡覺前的路上。"

[ Laughter ] -That's what I did.

這就是我所做的。

I, in fact, stopped the episode.

事實上，我，停止了這個情節。

[ Laughter ] I watched "Bridgerton."

我看了 "Bridgerton"。

[ Laughter ] -Yeah. It's like

[笑] 是啊。

if "Boardwalk Empire" and "The Matrix" had a baby.

如果 "板橋帝國 "和 "黑客帝國 "有了孩子。

[ Laughter ] -It's insane!

太瘋狂了！

-Yeah. It's crazy. -I made sure the kids were

-是啊，太瘋狂了-我確保孩子們

in the room to watch it.

在房間裡看。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Look at this."

"看看這個。"

No, you know what? What I really did,

不，你知道嗎？我真的做了什麼。

I watched "The Office" is on Peacock.

我看了 "辦公室 "是在孔雀。

-Oh, yeah. -It left Netflix.

-哦，是的-它離開了Netflix.

It's on Peacock. And I'm telling you,

在 "孔雀號 "上.我告訴你

that Peacock thing is good.

孔雀的事情是好的。

-Yeah. -I like it.

-是的 我喜歡

It's free. But they did a good job making that thing.

它是免費的。但他們做了一個很好的工作，使那個東西。

But I watched -- I've seen all the episodes, I think,

但我看了... 我想我已經看過所有的情節。

but I forget all of them, so I watched a couple of those.

但我都忘了，所以我看了幾篇。

And then I watched -- I saved it for the morning.

然後我看了... 我把它留到了早上。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-What episode -Dude, at one point --

-哪一集？ 有一次，老兄...

-did you make it up to? -Oh, I only finished

-你做起來了嗎？-哦，我只完成了

the first episode. It's a lot for me. Oh, man,

第一集。這對我來說是很多。哦，夥計。

it's just getting started.

這只是剛剛開始。

-Dude, I was crying. I was afraid.

-夥計，我在哭。我很害怕

[ Laughter ] I called 911.

[笑]我打了911。

[ Laughter ] At one point, I was going to call you and go,

有一次，我打算給你打電話，然後走。

"What's wrong with you?"

"你怎麼了？"

I'm not kidding. He goes into a bar,

我不是在開玩笑。他去了一家酒吧。

takes a dude's leg,

把一個傢伙的腿。

and breaks it sideways over the bar,

並將其橫斷在欄杆上。

shoves a glass in his mouth

嘴裡塞著酒杯

and takes his head and slams the dude's head into the bar.

並把他的頭和猛烈的紈絝子弟的頭到酒吧。

[ Laughter ] -It's crazy!

太瘋狂了！

-I go, "Okay, kids, get in here!

-我說，"好了，孩子們，進來吧！

You're going to love this."

你會喜歡這個的。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I need my "Office" after that.

之後，我需要我的 "辦公室"。

I need "Bridgerton." I need...

我需要 "布里奇頓"我需要...

-Something, right?

-有什麼事，對吧？

-Oh, my gosh. Well, anyways, guys,

-哦，我的天哪好吧，不管怎麼說，夥計們

we have comedy and fun for you tonight.

我們有喜劇和樂趣為你今晚。