relationships like? The question is far from disinterested sociological curiosity. What

關係是怎樣的？這個問題遠不是無私的社會學好奇心。什麼

we urgently seek to know is: are other people in as much trouble as we are? After a furious

我們迫切想知道的是：其他人是否和我們一樣有很多麻煩？在經歷了一場憤怒的

row over nothing very much at eleven at night or after yet another month that has unfolded

爭吵不休，夜裡十一點，或者在一個月後，又是一個月，已經展開了

with almost no sex, we wonder how statistically normal our case might be – precisely because

幾乎沒有性生活，我們想知道我們的情況在統計學上有多正常--正因為如此。

it threatens to feel like a unique curse. Most of us have a handful, maybe four or five,

它威脅到感覺像一個獨特的詛咒。我們大多數人都有少量的，也許四五個。

relationships that we know and keep in mind as standards of what we understand by normality.

關係，我們知道並牢記著我們所理解的常態的標準。

Perhaps we met these couples at university or they live on the street and are at a comparable

也許我們在大學裡就認識了這些情侶，或者他們就住在這條街上，而且是在一個比較

stage of life. Without knowing they are playing this role, these sample couples function for

生命的階段。在不知情的情況下，這些樣本夫婦的功能是為

us as our secret spirit level of love. At tennis, we notice how kind they are to one

我們作為我們的祕密精神層面的愛。在網球賽場上，我們注意到他們對一個人是多麼的友善。

another; as well as how energetic and lithe they remain. Over dinner, we note how much

以及他們是如何保持活力和輕盈。吃晚飯時，我們注意到

respect they show to their respective opinions. In the taxi on the way home, we spot the tender

他們對各自的意見表示尊重。在回家路上的計程車上，我們看到了投標人。

way they hold each other's hands. And, naturally, we feel both highly abnormal and very wretched

他們互相牽手的方式。而我們自然會覺得非常不正常，也非常可憐

But our assessment of our love stories suffers

但我們對自己愛情故事的評價卻受到了影響

from a basic and unfair asymmetry: we know our own relationships from the inside but

來自一個基本的、不公平的不對稱性：我們從內部瞭解自己的關係，但是

generally only encounter the relationships of others in heavily edited and sanitised

一般來說，只有在經過大量編輯和消毒的情況下，才能接觸到別人的關係。

form from the outside. We see other couples chiefly in social situations where politeness

從外在的形式。我們看到其他夫妻主要是在社交場合，禮貌的

and cheeriness are the rule. We take on trust their blithe summaries of their lives. But

歡快是規則。我們相信他們對自己生活的輕描淡寫。但是

we don't have access to footage from the bedroom, the uncut transcriptions of their

我們無法獲得臥室裡的錄像，以及他們的未刪減的文字記錄。

rows or their raw nighttime streams of consciousness. However, we have all this and more about ourselves.

行或他們的原始夜間意識流。然而，我們擁有這一切，更擁有自己。

We can't help but be intently aware of our own relationships' sorrows and absurdities:

我們不禁要細細地體察自己的人際關係的悲歡離合和荒誕不經。

the cold silences, harsh criticisms, furious outbursts, episodes of door slamming, bitter

冷漠的沉默，嚴厲的責備，憤怒的爆發，劇烈的摔門事件，痛苦的

late night denunciations, simmering sexual disappointments and times of aching loneliness

深夜的告發、性的失望和痛苦的孤獨時光

in the bedroom. Because of this asymmetry, quite understandably, we come to the conclusion

在臥室裡。由於這種不對稱性，我們得出的結論是：

that our own relationships are a great deal darker and far more painful than is common.

我們自己的關係比一般人的關係要黑暗得多，痛苦得多。

In times of distress, we fling a definitive accusation at our partner: 'no-one else

在苦惱的時候，我們會對我們的伴侶提出明確的指責："沒有別人了。

has to put up with this.' We need, to be fairer

不得不忍受這種情況。我們需要，更公平

on ourselves and our beloveds, to create space in our minds for the scale of our ignorance.

在我們自己和我們的夫妻身上，為我們無知的規模創造思想空間。

We simply don't know. We are lacking data. We owe ourselves a richer picture of love

我們根本不知道。我們缺乏數據。我們欠自己一個更豐富的愛的畫面

than we have yet secured. This isn't prying or cruel, we just need to better understand

比我們尚未獲得的。這不是窺探或殘忍，我們只是需要更好地瞭解。

the true nature of the task we're undertaking. The truth is that misery – or at least some

我們正在進行的任務的真正性質。事實是，痛苦--或至少是一些...。

kinds of very serious longing and scratchiness – is the rule, far more than public sources

種非常嚴重的渴望和搔癢--是規則，遠遠超過了公共來源。

will ever admit. It's not that we as a couple are strangely awful or damned: it's that

將永遠承認。並不是說我們這對夫妻很奇怪很糟糕或者很該死，而是說

relationships themselves are an essentially and inescapably difficult project. Part of

關係本身就是一個本質上不可避免的困難工程。其中的一部分

the reason we get it so wrong is that we have the wrong kind of art: the movies we watch

我們之所以錯得離譜，是因為我們有錯誤的藝術：我們看的電影。

are oddly coy, the novels don't tell it how it is. It's a marker of the problem

是奇特的靦腆，小說裡沒有講它是怎麼一回事。這是一個問題的標誌

that we almost never leave a cinema or close a novel thinking: that's just like my life.

我們幾乎從未離開過電影院，也從未在看完一部小說後想：這就像我的生活一樣。

The dominant emotion of most relationships is ambivalence; that is, a complex mixture

大多數人際關係的主導情緒是矛盾性，即複雜的混合情緒。

of love and hate, contentment and confinement, loyalty and betrayal. Most loves are too good

的愛與恨，滿足與禁錮，忠誠與背叛。大多數的愛情都太美好

to leave, yet too compromised to assure ongoing profound contentment. They subsist in a grey

不願離開，但又太過妥協，無法保證持續的深刻的滿足感。他們生存在一個灰色的

zone, where moments of joy bleed into stretches of melancholy, where at points we sob and

在那裡，歡樂的時刻流淌著憂鬱的氣息，在那裡，我們啜泣著，在那裡，我們在那裡，我們在那裡，我們在那裡，我們在那裡，我們在那裡，我們在那裡，我們在那裡，我們在那裡。

are certain the partner has ruined our lives and then, the following morning, assisted

確定伴侶已經毀了我們的生活，然後，第二天早上，協助。

by sunshine and black coffee, recover a feeling of things being basically fine. Image result

由陽光和黑咖啡，恢復了一種基本沒事的感覺。影像結果

for bergman marriage movie If we could properly see – via tenderly accurate films and novels

如果我們能通過溫柔準確的電影和小說正確地看到

and chats in group therapy or with older honest couples – the reality of pretty much any

和哈拉的團體治療或與老實的夫婦 - 幾乎任何的現實。

relationship we might arrive at a surprising and deeply heartening conclusion: that our

的關係，我們可能會得出一個令人驚訝和深受鼓舞的結論：我們的。

own relationship is – in fact – two things above all: very normal and good enough.

自己的關係是--其實最重要的是兩點：非常正常和足夠好。

Love is a skill that we can learn. Our relationships book calmly guides us with calm and charm through the key issues of relationships to ensure that success in love need not be a matter of good luck. For more, click the link now.

戀愛是一種技能，我們可以學習。 我們的戀愛書用冷靜和魅力引導我們解決戀愛的關鍵問題，確保戀愛的成功不需要靠運氣。 更多內容，請馬上點擊鏈接。