WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."

歡迎來到 "晚間秀"。

I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

我是你的主播史蒂芬-科爾伯特。

YOU MAY NOTICE THAT I'M NOT WHERE I NORMALLY AM... WHEN I'M

你可能會注意到我不在平常的地方... ...當我

NORMALLY NOT AT THE OTHER PLACE... WHERE I NORMALLY AM.

通常不在其他地方... ...在那裡我通常是。

I'M TWICE-REMOVED FROM NORMAL.

我已經兩次從正常狀態中消失了。

OTHERWISE KNOWN AS DELAWARE.

另稱 "德拉瓦"。

IF YOU DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT DELAWARE, I'LL GIVE YOU A QUICK

如果你對德拉瓦州不瞭解，我會給你一個簡單的。

A LESSON IN OUR ONE-TIME SEGMENT, "BETTER KNOW A

在我們的一次性課程中，"更好地瞭解一個人 "是一個教訓。

DELAWARE: RAISING YOUR DELAWARENESS."

德拉瓦：提高你的警惕性"。

FUN FACT: PEOPLE FROM DELAWARE ARE OFTEN REFERRED TO AS "BLUE

趣聞：來自德拉瓦州的人經常被稱為 "藍色"。

HENS," WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE THE STATE BIRD IS ACTUALLY A

母雞"，這是奇怪的，因為國家鳥實際上是一個。

HIGHWAY REST STOP.

高速公路休息站。

AND THAT'S ABOUT IT.

就這樣了

SO NOW YOU KNOW DELA-WHERE, BUT YOU MIGHT BE ASKING, "DELA-WHY?"

所以現在你知道DELA-Where，但你可能會問，"DELA-Why？"

I'M HERE TO DO THE FIRST POST-ELECTION JOINT INTERVIEW

我在這裡做選舉後的第一次聯合採訪。

WITH PRESIDENT-ELECT JOSEPH R.

與候任主席JOSEPH R.L.合作。

BIDEN AND THE NEXT FIRST LADY, DR.

BIDEN和下一任第一夫人，博士。

JILL BIDEN.

JILL BIDEN.

PLUS, WHO PASSES UP A TRIP TO WILMINGTON?

另外，誰會錯過去威爾明頓的旅行？

THERE'S A REASON THEY CALL THIS TOWN "THRILLMINGTON."

這座城市被稱為 "泰勒明頓 "是有原因的。

AND I'M BEING TOLD THEY DO NOT CALL IT THAT.

我被告知，他們不叫它。

THAT INTERVIEW IS MOMENTS AWAY, BUT FIRST:

那次採訪還差一點，但第一。

THERE'S GOOD PANDEMIC NEWS!

有好的PANDEMIC新聞!

PEOPLE ACROSS THE COUNTRY HAVE STARTED GETTING THE PFIZER

全國各地的人們已經開始獲得PFIZER。

VACCINE, AND THIS WEEK, HOSPITALS DISCOVERED A SURPRISE

疫苗，而本週，醫院發現了一個驚喜。

IN THEIR VACCINE DELIVERIES: EXTRA DOSES.

在他們的疫苗運送中：額外劑量。

THE VACCINE STRETCHES FURTHER THAN WE THOUGHT!

疫苗比我們想象的更遠!

IT'S A HANUKKAH MIRACLE!

這是一個哈努卡奇蹟！

LET'S CELEBRATE BY EATING FRIED POTATOES, WHICH I BELIEVE

讓我們通過吃炸洋芋來慶祝，我相信

AMERICANS DO EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR ANYWAY.

美國人一年中的每一天都在做，反正。

HERE'S THE DEAL: PHARMACISTS HAVE FOUND THAT WHEN THEY USED

這裡的交易：藥劑師們發現，當他們使用的是

GLASS VIALS THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO CONTAIN FIVE DOSES,

原本應該含有五種劑量的玻璃杯。

SOMETIMES, THEY CAN SQUEEZE OUT AN ADDITIONAL DOSE.

有時，他們可以擠出額外的劑量。

IT'S LIKE THAT FEELING WHEN YOU THINK YOU FINISHED THE FRENCH

就像那種感覺，當你認為你完成了法國人。

FRIES, THEN YOU GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG, AND YOU FIND

薯條，然後你到了袋子的底部，你會發現

THOSE LITTLE EXTRA CRUNCHY BITS.

這些小的額外的脆脆的東西。

BUT IMAGINE IF THOSE FRENCH FRIES PREVENTED DISEASE.

但想象一下，如果這些薯條預防疾病。

AGAIN, WE EAT A LOT OF FRIED POTATOES IN AMERICA.

再一次，我們吃了很多油炸洋芋在美國。

AND WE'RE GOING TO NEED THAT EXTRA VACCINE, BECAUSE THE WHITE

我們將需要額外的疫苗，因為白種人... ...

HOUSE IS STICKING WITH ITS PANDEMIC PLAN OF "NOT HAVING A

房屋堅持其 "不生孩子 "的計劃。

PLAN."

計劃。"

YESTERDAY, WE LEARNED OF EMAILS FROM ONE OF THE PRESIDENT'S TOP

今天，我們得知了總統的一個頭號人物的電子郵件。

HEALTH APPOINTEES, FORMER H.H.S.

衛生部門任命的人員，前H.H.S.

SCIENCE ADVISOR PAUL ALEXANDER.

科學顧問PAUL ALEXANDER.

NORMALLY, I WOULD SHOW A PICTURE OF HIM, AND DO A JOKE, BUT-- AND

通常情況下，我都會給他看一張照片，然後開個玩笑，但是... ...

THIS IS TRUE-- WE COULD FIND NO IMAGE OF HIM ON THE INTERNET.

這是真的 -- 我們在網上找不到他的照片。

HE MIGHT HAVE ERASED THEM ALL, AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT

他可能已經把它們全部刪除了，而你將會發現

WHY.

為什麼？

BECAUSE THIS SUMMER, ALEXANDER URGED TOP HEALTH OFFICIALS TO

因為今年夏天，亞歷山大敦促頂級衛生官員，以

ADOPT A "HERD IMMUNITY" APPROACH TO COVID-19 AND ALLOW MILLIONS

對COVID-19採取 "群體免疫 "辦法，並允許數百萬人参加。

OF AMERICANS TO BE INFECTED BY THE VIRUS, THEREBY CHANGING THE

感染該病毒的美國人的數量，從而改變了美國人的生活方式。

DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES, TO THE DEPARTMENT OF

衛生和人類服務部，向該部提交的報告。

HELL AND HUMAN SACRIFICE.

地獄和人類的犧牲。

BECAUSE HERE'S THE THING ABOUT PAUL ALEXANDER'S STRATEGY.

因為保羅-亞歷山大的策略是這樣的：

IT WOULD REQUIRE ALMOST THREE MILLION DEATHS TO REACH HERD

這需要至少三百萬人的死亡才能達到群居的目的。

IMMUNITY.

IMMUNITY：

IF YOUR PLAN TO SAVE HUMANITY INVOLVES KILLING MILLIONS OF

如果你的拯救人類的計劃涉及到殺死數百萬的人

PEOPLE, YOU'RE NOT A HEALTH ADVISER, YOU'RE A MARVEL

各位，你不是健康顧問，你是個神奇人物

VILLAIN.

VILLAIN：

SO, CLEARLY, IT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER THAT WE GET TO THE

所以，很明顯，現在比以往任何時候都更重要的是，我們要找到

INAUGURATION OF ONE OF MY GUESTS TONIGHT, JOE BIDEN.

今晚我的一位嘉賓喬-比登的就職典禮。

IN THE FACE OF THE COVID RAGING, THE PRESIDENT-ELECT IS ASKING

面對科維德的咆哮，當選主席正在要求

AMERICANS TO STAY HOME.

美國人呆在家裡。

IF ENOUGH PEOPLE DO THE RIGHT THING, HIS INAUGURATION COULD

如果有足夠多的人做正確的事情，他的就職可能會。

END UP LOOKING A LOT LIKE THE LAST ONE.

最後看起來很像上一個。

NOW, NORMALLY, INAUGURATIONS ARE FUNDRAISING CASH COWS.

現在，正常情況下，就職典禮都是募捐現金牛。

SUPPORTERS ARE WILLING TO SHELL OUT BIG BUCKS FOR A PICTURE WITH

支持者願意掏出大筆錢來買一張照片。

THE NEW PRESIDENT.

新主席：

BUT THIS YEAR, THAT CAN'T HAPPEN.

但今年，這不可能發生。

SO, INSTEAD, TOP CONTRIBUTORS WILL GET "VIRTUAL SIGNED PHOTOS"

所以，除此之外，頂級貢獻者將獲得 "虛擬簽名照片"

WITH THE PRESIDENT-ELECT AND THE FIRST LADY.

與候任主席和第一夫人的談話。

OKAY.

好的。

BUT THEY DO REALIZE THAT ANYONE WITH A COMPUTER CAN GET A

但他們確實意識到，任何人都可以用電腦得到一個。

VIRTUAL SIGNED PHOTO OF THEMSELVES WITH THE PRESIDENT.

他們與總統的虛擬簽名照。

ANY PRESIDENT.

任何主席。

CHECK OUT THIS PHOTO OF ME WITH MARTIN VAN BUREN.

看看這張我和MARTIN VAN BUREN的照片。

AND DID HE SIGN IT?

他簽了嗎？

YOU BET.

你打賭。

"STEPHEN, LOVED YOUR INTERVIEW WITH CHANCE THE RAPPER.

"史蒂芬，我很喜歡你對強姦犯錢斯的採訪。

YOU CAN'T FAKE CHEMISTRY.

你不能偽造化學。

COWABUNGA, M.V.B."

COWABUNGA, M.V.B."

MEANWHILE, THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION IS SWAMPED WITH A

與此同時，目前的行政當局正處在一個 "大 "字當頭的環境中。

MAD SCRAMBLE FOR PARDONS.

瘋狂的爭奪赦免。

ACCORDING TO ONE INSIDER, "IT'S TURNED CRAZY."

據一位業內人士說，"它已經變得瘋狂了。"

"TURNED" CRAZY?

"變 "瘋了？

THIS IS THE PRESIDENT WHO ADVISED PEOPLE TO INJECT BLEACH,

這是總統誰建議人們注入漂白。

SAID THAT A DEAD VENEZUELAN LEADER STOLE THE ELECTION,

說一個死去的委內瑞拉領導人偷走了選舉。

WANTED TO TRADE PUERTO RICO FOR GREENLAND, AND STOP A HURRICANE

想把波多黎各島換成綠地，並阻止颶風。

WITH A NUCLEAR BOMB.

用核彈。

WE'VE MADE THE TURN TO CRAZYTOWN A LONG TIME AGO.

我們很久以前就去了瘋人院了

NOW WE'RE JUST DOING DONUTS IN CUCKOO CANYON.

現在我們只是做甜甜圈 在CUCKOO峽谷。

THE ADMINISTRATION HAS LARGELY IGNORED ANY ESTABLISHED PROCESS,

行政當局對任何既定的程序置之不理。

SO PEOPLE ARE CALLING THE WHITE HOUSE DIRECTLY.

所以人們直接打電話給白宮。

IN FACT, SO MANY PEOPLE ARE ASKING FOR PARDONS OR

事實上，很多人都在要求赦免或......。

COMMUTATIONS THAT A SPREADSHEET HAS BEEN CREATED TO KEEP TRACK

編制了電子表格來記錄的換算。

OF THE REQUESTS.

的要求。

YES, THEY'RE COMPILING THEM ALL IN MICROSOFT EX-CELL.

是的，他們把它們都編入了微軟的EX -CELL。

IF THEY DO MANAGE TO PRY THE CURRENT PRESIDENT FROM THE WHITE

如果他們成功地把現任主席從白宮裡搶走了。

HOUSE, HE MAY NEED TO FIND A DIFFERENT PLACE TO LIVE, BECAUSE

房子，他可能需要找到一個不同的地方住，因為。

PALM BEACH RESIDENTS SURROUNDING MAR-A-LAGO RECENTLY SENT THE

MAR-A-LAGO周邊的棕櫚灘居民最近收到了來自MAR-A-LAGO的郵件。

TOWN A LETTER WITH A MESSAGE FOR THE OUTGOING COMMANDER IN CHIEF:

鎮信，並給即將離任的總司令留言。

WE DON'T WANT YOU TO BE OUR NEIGHBOR.

我們不希望你成為我們的鄰居。

IT'S ALL IN THE NEW DOCUMENTARY, "WON'T YOU SUCK IT, NEIGHBOR?"

這一切都在新的紀錄片，"你會不會吸，鄰居？"

THE LOCALS DON'T LIKE THE NOISE AND TRAFFIC WHEN THE PRESIDENT

當地人不喜歡總統講話時的噪音和交通。

IS AT MAR-A-LAGO, BUT EVEN BEFORE HE WAS IN OFFICE, HE

是在MAR-A-LAGO，但即使在他上任之前，他

CREATED ILL WILL IN THE TOWN BY REFUSING TO COMPLY WITH EVEN

拒絕遵守哪怕是一個字的規定，從而在城市中製造了不良的意願。

BASIC LOCAL REQUIREMENTS, SUCH AS ADHERING TO HEIGHT LIMITS FOR

基本的地方要求，如遵守高度限制的要求。

A MASSIVE FLAGPOLE HE INSTALLED.

他安裝了一個巨大的旗杆。

NOT TO MENTION THE VIOLATING THE HOMEOWNER ASSOCIATION'S RULES ON

不要提到違反業主協會的規則，對

FENCE HEIGHT.

柵欄高度：

NOW, LET'S GET TO THE REASON I CAME DOWN HERE-- MY INTERVIEW

現在，讓我們來談談我來這裡的原因--我的採訪

WITH THE FUTURE FIRST COUPLE, STARTING WITH THE

與未來的第一對夫婦一起，從《世界人權宣言》開始。

PRESIDENT-ELECT.

當選主席：

STEPHEN?

斯蒂芬?