second, politeness. But there is an odd danger lurking here: a relationship where we are

第二，禮貌。但這裡潛伏著一種奇怪的危險：在這種關係中，我們是

overly polite, where there is not enough directness, where things go wrong not because of a lack

過分客氣，不夠直接，出了問題不是因為沒有禮貌。

of tenderness or serenity but because of a stifling excess of manners, because there

的溫柔或寧靜，但因為一個令人窒息的過度的禮儀，因為有。

aren't enough raised voices, insults, legitimate furies and moments where both partners feel

沒有足夠的提高聲音，侮辱，合法的憤怒和時刻，雙方都感到

free to call each other idiots and much worse.

可以自由地互相罵對方是白痴，甚至更糟。

When we hear arguments between lovers, perhaps through a hotel bedroom wall, it is easy to

當我們聽到戀人之間的爭吵時，或許透過酒店臥室的牆壁，我們很容易就會

fear for them and their union.

擔心他們和他們的結合。

We have most of us been deeply and rightly sensitized to the horrors of abusive relationships.

我們大多數人都對虐待關係的恐怖有了深刻而正確的認識。

But there is, within reason, and we stress within reason with great seriousness, something extremely vital and

但是，在理性中，我們非常嚴肅地強調，在理性中，有一種極其重要的東西，也就是

redemptive that can unfold within the occasional heated discussion. Living around someone is

偶爾的激烈討論中可以展開的救贖。生活在一個人身邊是

bound to be, at points, extremely disappointing. For love to remain vital, we need the freedom

必然會在某些時候，讓人極度失望。為了讓愛情保持活力，我們需要自由。

to give this disappointment expression. It seems we cannot love if love is all we are

來給這種失望的表達。看來，如果愛是我們的全部，我們就不能愛。

allowed to do. Many of us have implicitly been taught in childhood that disappointments

允許做的。我們很多人在童年時就被潛移默化地教導，失望

are best swallowed quietly. Perhaps a parent was very fragile or they were very volatile,

是最好的悄悄吞下的。也許父母很脆弱，或者他們很不穩定。

so that we feared either annihilating them or provoking them unbearably by giving vent

以至於我們擔心要麼消滅他們，要麼通過發洩來激怒他們，讓他們無法忍受。

to our more honest feelings. We grew up polite and good but also in danger of feeling inwardly

到我們更真實的感受。我們從小就很有禮貌，很善良，但也有可能會覺得內心的

dead and convinced that no one could witness us as we are and still love us. A certain

死了，並堅信沒有人能夠見證我們的現狀，還能愛我們。某種

kind of politeness is the enemy of love. We cannot love, or be properly in a relationship

一種禮貌是愛的敵人。我們不可能愛，也不可能正確地交往。

that feels alive, and simply lock away too many of our reservations. We need for love

的感覺，只是鎖住了我們太多的保留。我們對愛的需求

to be first and foremost, real – and this will involve giving expression to all kinds

首先，是真實的--這將涉及到表達所有類型的資訊。

of more ambivalent feelings. In most arenas of life, mere politeness will do; there should

的更矛盾的感情。在生活中的大多數領域，僅僅是禮貌就可以了，應該有。

be little else around friends and colleagues. But love needs something riskier: we have

在朋友和同事身邊是沒有什麼別的。但愛情需要更冒險的東西：我們有

to be able to say that we hate when we hate – so that later we can properly love when

能夠說，我們恨的時候恨--這樣以後我們就可以適當地愛的時候。

it's time to love. This is why, in the interests of the relationship, we might need to tell

是時候去愛了。這就是為什麼，為了這段關係，我們可能需要告訴你

the partner that they have ruined our life, that they are selfish and infuriating and

伴侶說他們毀了我們的生活，他們是自私的，令人惱火的和

that we have had more than enough – and the partner, far from getting simply offended

我們已經有足夠的 - 和合作夥伴，遠遠沒有得到簡單的冒犯。

(though that has its role too) should take it, and read the explosion for what it is:

(雖然這也有它的作用)應該接受，讀懂爆炸的本質。

a homage to the trust and bond between us. That a red faced accuser would never speak

向我們之間的信任和紐帶致敬。一個紅顏禍水的指控者永遠不會說

like this to anyone else on earth should be interpreted as the greatest privilege. They

像這樣對地球上的其他人來說，應該被解釋為最大的特權。他們

don't just hate you, though they do at the moment, they have a lot of hope in you, and

不僅僅是恨你，雖然他們此刻恨你，他們對你抱有很大的希望，而且。

a lot of faith that you love them enough to take their reality – and when it's blown

很多的信心，你愛他們足夠的採取他們的現實 - 當它的吹噓

over, their love will be as sincere as their anger once was. We should get angry when the

過，他們的愛會像曾經的憤怒一樣真誠。我們應該生氣，當

occasion fairly demands it; we, the overly meak and cowed ones, should experience how

場合相當需要它；我們，過於懦弱和膽怯的人，應該體驗到如何。

good and necessary it feels to dare to let go and vent our annoyance and irritation without

敢於放手，敢於發洩我們的煩惱和煩躁，而不

the usual huge (and valuable) inhibitions. We should not be overly scared of the odd

平時巨大的（有價值的）抑制。我們不應過分害怕奇特的

loud argument, we should form our irritations into some beautifully creative insults; it

大聲爭吵，我們應該把我們的憤怒形成一些美麗的創造性的侮辱；它

is not a sign that everything is coming to an end and love has died, it's a sign that

並不是一切都要結束了，愛情已經死亡的標誌，這是一個標誌。

our relationship still has a lot of kindness, sincerity and tolerance left within it.

我們的關係還有很多善良、真誠和寬容在裡面。

Love is a skill you can learn. Our relationships book calmly guides us with calm and charm

戀愛是一種可以學習的技能。 我們的戀愛書冷靜地引導我們，用冷靜和魅力引導我們

through the key issues of relationships to ensure that success in love need not be a matter of luck.

通過關係的關鍵問題，確保愛情的成功不需要靠運氣。