welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."

歡迎，歡迎來到 "今夜秀"。

This is it. [ Cheers and applause ]

這是它。[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, President Trump has been trying everything

好了，夥計們，特朗普總統一直在嘗試一切。

to overturn the election, and he finally got

推翻選舉，他終於得到了。

one of his cases to the Supreme Court.

他的一個案件被提交給最高法院。

Let's see how that went.

讓我們看看結果如何。

-The Supreme Court has shut down

-最高法院已經關閉了

one of President Trump's latest and last attempts

特朗普總統的最新和最後一次嘗試之一。

to overturn the election.

以推翻選舉。

In one short sentence, the Court denied a Republican challenge

法院用簡短的一句話駁回了共和黨的質疑。

to the vote in Pennsylvania.

到賓夕法尼亞州的投票。

-That is amazing.

-太神奇了

They rejected Trump's whole argument in one sentence.

他們用一句話否定了特朗普的全部論點。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's pretty much the Supreme Court's version

這幾乎是最高法院的版本。

of responding to a long text with "K."

的用 "K "回覆長文。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

One sentence. That page had less ink

一句話。那一頁的墨水少了

than Rudy Giuliani's face.

比魯迪-朱利安尼的臉。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

[ Rim shot ]

[Rim shot]

That's basically a tweet that went to law school.

這基本上是一條上了法學院的微博。

It is the equivalent of a judge taking off his leather glove

這就相當於法官脫掉了皮手套。

and slapping you with it.

並用它打你一巴掌。

[ Slap ] "You fool!"

[耳光] "你這個笨蛋！"

All of the justices were like,

所有的大法官都喜歡。

"We put on our robes for this? Wha--"

"我們穿上長袍就是為了這個？Wha--"

The Court really tried to do Trump a favor though.

不過法院真的想幫特朗普的忙。

They figured if it was one sentence,

他們認為如果是一句話。

he would actually read it. [ Laughter ]

他居然會讀它。[笑聲]

For Trump, it felt like applying to college

對於特朗普來說，這感覺就像申請大學一樣。

and getting back a thin envelope.

並拿回一個薄薄的信封。

It is like, "Well, this can't be good."

這就像，"嗯，這不可能是好的。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Trump isn't giving up though. He's like,

特朗普並沒有放棄，雖然。他就像。

Now it's time to appeal to an even higher court,

現在是時候向更高的法院上訴了。

the Jedi Council.

絕地議會。

Dear @Mandalorian..."

親愛的@曼陀羅尼......"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

The other big news is that after testing positive

另一個大新聞是，在測試陽性後

for COVID, today Rudy Giuliani

為COVID，今天魯迪朱利安尼。

was discharged from the hospital.

已出院。

Yeah. Another day, another Rudy discharge.

是啊，又是一天，又是一個魯迪出院。又是一天，又是一個魯迪放電。

-Ooh!

-哦！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-That is right, America's Mr. Bean is back in action.

-沒錯，美國的憨豆先生又開始行動了。

Giuliani didn't waste any time embarrassing himself.

朱利安尼沒有浪費任何時間讓自己難堪。

He waved good-bye to the doctors wearing a gown

他穿著長袍向醫生們揮手告別。

that was open in the front. He was like,

那是開放的在前面。他很喜歡。

"I was just tucking it in."

"我只是把它塞進去。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But the hospital staff doesn't have faith in Rudy.

但醫院的工作人員對魯迪沒有信心。

On his way out, he grabbed a Dunkin' Donuts napkin

在他出去的時候，他拿了一張Dunkin' Donuts餐巾紙。

off of the ground and blew his nose in it.

離地，並在其中擤鼻涕。

It's like, "Hey, guy."

這就像，"嘿，夥計。"

That's right, the nurses are thrilled Rudy is gone.

沒錯，護士們都很高興魯迪走了。

Now they don't have to keep changing his head pan.

現在他們不用一直換他的頭盤了。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's a great joke, yeah.

這是一個偉大的笑話，是的。

Yeah, it seems like there's so much going on right now.

是啊，現在好像有很多事情要做。

President Trump's lawsuits continue to be thrown out.

特朗普總統的訴訟繼續被駁回。

People are starting to get the COVID vaccine.

人們開始接種COVID疫苗。

Joe Exotic asked Kim Kardashian

喬異國問金-卡戴珊

to help him get a presidential pardon.

以幫助他獲得總統赦免。

And workers at a New York City Chipotle

而紐約市一家Chipotle餐廳的工人。

are fighting off a horde of rats.

正在對抗一群老鼠。

There's a lot to go over, so let's just jump in

有很多東西要講，所以我們就跳進去吧。

and cover it all at once. It is time for "News Smash."

並一次性覆蓋全部。現在是 "新聞大亂鬥 "的時候了。

[ Applause ] ♪♪

[ 掌聲 ] ?

First up, Trump's lawsuits, they're not going well.

首先是特朗普的官司，進展不順利。

The Supreme Court just dismissed the GOP's attempt

最高法院剛剛駁回了GOP的企圖。

to overturn the election in Pennsylvania.

以推翻賓夕法尼亞州的選舉。

So I'm sorry, Mr. President, you tried your best,

所以我很抱歉，總統先生，你已經盡力了。

but it just wasn't effective.

但就是沒有效果。

But you know what is effective?

但你知道什麼是有效的嗎？

The COVID vaccine.

COVID疫苗；

It's making the rounds in England

它在英國傳得沸沸揚揚

and things are looking promising.

而且事情看起來很有希望。

I got to say it is nice to get some good news for once,

我不得不說，這是很好的得到一些好消息的一次。

instead of news that completely melts your brain

而不是讓你的大腦完全融化的新聞

and makes you feel insane. Speaking of which,

並讓你感到瘋狂。說到這裡

Joe Exotic asked Kim Kardashian to help him

喬異國請金-卡戴珊幫忙。

get a presidential pardon.

獲得總統赦免。

Joe's in prison for trying to murder Carole Baskin.

喬因試圖謀殺卡羅爾-巴斯金而入獄。

But he wants to get back to his life of wrangling tigers.

但他想回到他的與虎謀皮的生活中去。

I mean, if we wants to wrangle large, furry beasts,

我的意思是，如果我們想與大型的，毛茸茸的野獸搏鬥。

he could always apply for a job at Chipotle.

他可以隨時申請在Chipotle工作。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

A location in New York City is struggling to deal with

紐約市的一個地點正在努力處理。

a horde of giant rats.

一群巨鼠。

It's gotten so bad that four employees have been bitten.

它變得如此糟糕，以至於四名員工被咬傷。

That's not good.

這不是很好。

They should probably all get vaccinated.

他們也許都應該接種疫苗。

The U.S. will start giving out COVID vaccines soon.

美國將很快開始發放COVID疫苗。

And the people that are first in line to receive them are,

而最先接受他們的人是。

of course, elderly people with underlying health issues.

當然，有潛在健康問題的老人。

People like President Trump. [ Laughter ]

人們喜歡特朗普總統。[笑聲]

All three of Trump's Supreme Court nominees voted

特朗普的三名最高法院提名人都投了票。

against his cause this week.

本週反對他的事業。

Losing all those cases has got to sting,

輸掉所有這些案子一定會很痛。

kind of like when you get bitten by a rat at work.

就像你在工作時被老鼠咬了一樣。

They are chewing through wires and nibbling on avocados.

它們正在咬著電線，啃著鱷梨。

It's basically a Chuck E. Chipotle in there

基本上是一個查克-E-奇普特在那裡。

and the workers don't stand a chance.

而工人沒有機會。

You know who else doesn't stand a chance?

你知道還有誰沒有機會嗎？

Joe Exotic. [ Laughter ]

喬異國情調。[笑聲]

Kim Kardashian isn't going to save you, man.

金-卡戴珊是不會救你的，夥計。

But hey, it was worth a...shot. [ Laughter ]

但是，嘿，這是值得一... ... 拍攝。[笑聲]

In conclusion, I don't think it's going to work out.

總之，我覺得不會成功。

I don't think it's going to work out.

我不認為會成功。

I think it's going to work out.

我覺得會成功的。

I would not work there.

我不會在那裡工作。

This has been a "News Smash." [ Applause ]

這已經是一個 "新聞大爆炸"。[掌聲]

♪♪

♪♪

Well, some news from overseas.

好了，一些來自海外的消息。

In Russia they're telling people not to drink alcohol

在俄羅斯，他們告訴人們不要喝酒。

for almost two months

近兩個月

after taking the Russian vaccine.

服用俄羅斯疫苗後，。

Russians heard it and were like,

俄國人聽到後，就像。

[Russian accent] "We'll take our chances with the virus.

[俄羅斯口音]"我們會抓住機會，與病毒。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

You know it is serious because Russia does not even give

你知道它是嚴重的，因為俄羅斯甚至不給。

that warning to pregnant women. [ Laughter ]

該警告孕婦。[笑]

Meanwhile, President-elect Biden is busy with the transition,

與此同時，候任總統拜登正忙於過渡。

and today, I read he's thinking about making Pete Buttigieg

今天，我讀到他在考慮讓Pete Buttigieg...

the ambassador to China.

駐中國大使。

Buttigieg heard and was like,

布提吉格聽了，很喜歡。

"Yes, please send me to Wuhan where it is safer."

"是的，請把我送到武漢去，那裡更安全。"

And apparently, Biden told Buttigieg, "Take it from me,

而顯然，拜登對布提吉格說："從我這裡拿。

if you work hard, you can be President in 50 years."

如果你努力工作，你可以在50年內成為總統。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right, the ambassador job is way better

是啊，大使的工作比這好做多了

than the one Trump offered him --

比特朗普提供給他的那個...

White House Elf on the Shelf. [ Laughter ]

白宮精靈在貨架上。[笑聲]

Here's some tech news -- Google just released

以下是一些科技新聞--谷歌剛剛發佈了

their breakdown of 2020's most searched topics.

他們對2020年搜索量最大的話題進行了細分。

No surprise, number one was coronavirus.

不出意外，第一是冠狀病毒。

And number two was election results.

第二是選舉結果。

But they also released a list of their least searched terms.

但他們也公佈了一份他們搜索量最少的詞彙清單。

The stuff that nobody Googled all year.

這一年來沒人上網查的東西。

Check this out.

看看這個。

Number five was sourdough stopper.

五號是湯圓塞。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Interesting. I did not know that was a thing.

有意思我不知道那是一種東西。

The fourth least searched term was

搜索次數最少的第四個詞是

Facemasks with Mitch McConnell's chin on them.

面罩上有米奇-麥康奈爾的下巴。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Number three was just Mank nudes.

三號只是曼克裸體。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Number two was, How much to hire the law offices

第二是，請律師事務所多少錢？

of Rudy Giuliani. [ Laughter ]

的魯迪朱利亞尼。[笑聲]

And the number one least searched thing in 2020

而2020年搜索量最少的第一件事

was WAP sheet music for church choir.

是教會唱詩班的WAP樂譜。

Well, that's -- that's --

嗯，那是... ... 那是... ...

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's really more of an organ song.

這其實更像是一首風琴曲。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And finally, I saw that Waze has a new feature

最後，我看到Waze有了一個新功能

for the holidays where you can have Santa's voice

在節日裡，你可以得到聖誕老人的聲音。

give you directions...

給你指路...

which sounds fun until your kids hear their dad snap at Santa.

這聽起來很有趣，直到你的孩子們聽到他們的爸爸在聖誕老人那裡發火。

"All right, I heard you!"

"好吧，我聽到了！"

It's actually just a mall Santa, so every now and then

其實這只是一個商場的聖誕老人，所以時不時的

you'll hear... [Belches] "50 feet.

你會聽到...[Belches] "50英尺。

Explain to me why my wife let me."

給我解釋一下，為什麼我老婆讓我。"

Guys, we have exactly eight shows left

夥計們，我們還有八場演出

before we go on Christmas break,

在我們去之前的聖誕假期。

Which means it's time for that beloved

這意味著，是時候為心愛的

"Tonight Show" tradition.

"今夜秀 "傳統。

It is time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters."

現在是 "12天聖誕毛衣 "的時間。

-♪ 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters ♪

-12天的聖誕毛衣

♪ Eight days left ♪

八天左

-That's right, every show between now and Christmas,

-沒錯，從現在到聖誕節期間的每場演出都要看

we'll be giving one lucky audience member

我們將給一位幸運的觀眾

a glorious Christmas sweater

光榮的聖誕毛衣

from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.

從聖誕倒計時內閣。

Now since there are eight shows left, let's open

既然還有八場演出，那就開場吧。

door number 8.

8號門。

[ Drum roll ]

[鼓聲]

Ooh, all the way up top. Oh, yeah. Look at that.

哦，所有的方式在頂部。哦，是的。看那。

Love it.

我愛它

Wow. That is gorgeous. ♪♪

哇，好漂亮這是華麗的。

That is nice.

這是很好的。

A bird.

一隻鳥

Wow. That is just beautiful.

哇，太美了這只是美麗的。

There is -- it's like a turtleneck inside the sweater.

有 -- 就像毛衣裡面的高領衫。

It's gorgeous.

它的華麗。

Is that a couple partridges in there?

那是幾隻鷓鴣嗎？

Ooh, on the back, a dancing lady,

哦，在後面，一個跳舞的女士。

like a St. Pauli girl, yeah.

就像一個聖保利女孩，是的。

Not an ad. Not an ad.

不是一個廣告。不是一個廣告。

But we -- How many birds you got on there?

但我們... ... 你有多少鳥在那裡？

One, two, three -- you got three partridges.

一，二，三... 你有三隻鷓鴣。

It's not a pear tree. But you get the idea.

這不是一棵梨樹。但你明白我的意思

Guys, let's see who's going home with tonight's sweater.

夥計們，讓我們看看誰會帶著今晚的毛衣回家。

Everyone, look at your seat number.

大家看一下自己的座位號。

If I call your number, come on down.

如果我打你的電話，下來吧。

Quest, can I get a drum roll please?

探索，我可以得到一個鼓聲嗎？

[ Drum roll ]

[鼓聲]

237!

237!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

That's what I'm talking about. Nice.

這就是我說的。很好啊

Nice to see you, bud. Hey.

很高興見到你，夥計。嘿，很高興見到你，夥計。

Thank you so much for being in our audience tonight.

非常感謝你今晚來到我們的觀眾席。

What is your name and where are you from?

你叫什麼名字，來自哪裡？

-Carmine. Originally from Brooklyn,

-卡明卡明，來自布魯克林

but live in Staten Island now, make bad decisions.

但現在住在史坦頓島，做出錯誤的決定。

-Hey, why not? Hey, please, we love --

-嘿，為什麼不呢？嘿，求你了，我們愛 --

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Now you're wearing a nice, warm fleece there.

現在你穿上了一件又暖又好的羊毛衫。

But I think that this would work out perfect.

但我認為這將是完美的工作。

What do you think? -I think so. I think so.

你覺得呢？-我想是的我想是的

I'll go with tree front. -Yeah, sure.

我選擇樹前。-是的，當然

Again, these sweaters have no front or backs.

同樣，這些毛衣也沒有正面和背面。

This year, everyone's guessing what the front and back is.

今年，大家都在猜測前後左右是什麼。

Oh, look at this already. I feel --

哦，看看這個了。我覺得...

Oh, I feel -- This is --

哦，我覺得... ... 這是...

Oh, look at this.

哦，看這個。

No, that's what I'm talking -- That --

不，這就是我說的... ... 那...

Turn around and let's see the front.

轉過身來，讓我們看看前面。

There you go. Perfect.

你去那裡。完美的。

Oh, my God. Fantastic. Thank you so much.

哦，我的上帝。夢幻般的。謝謝你這麼多。

Let's give our winner a round of applause once again.

讓我們再一次把掌聲送給我們的冠軍。

Thank you to our lucky audience member.

感謝我們的幸運觀眾。

We'll be right back with Jon Hamm, everyone.

我們馬上回來和喬恩-漢姆見面，各位。

Come on back.

回來吧

Ah, it's beautiful.

啊，真漂亮。

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪