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  • -Thank you so much and welcome,

    -非常感謝你,歡迎你。

  • welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."

    歡迎,歡迎來到 "今夜秀"。

  • This is it. [ Cheers and applause ]

    這是它。[歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

    讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

  • Well, guys, President Trump has been trying everything

    好了,夥計們,特朗普總統一直在嘗試一切。

  • to overturn the election, and he finally got

    推翻選舉,他終於得到了。

  • one of his cases to the Supreme Court.

    他的一個案件被提交給最高法院。

  • Let's see how that went.

    讓我們看看結果如何。

  • -The Supreme Court has shut down

    -最高法院已經關閉了

  • one of President Trump's latest and last attempts

    特朗普總統的最新和最後一次嘗試之一。

  • to overturn the election.

    以推翻選舉。

  • In one short sentence, the Court denied a Republican challenge

    法院用簡短的一句話駁回了共和黨的質疑。

  • to the vote in Pennsylvania.

    到賓夕法尼亞州的投票。

  • -That is amazing.

    -太神奇了

  • They rejected Trump's whole argument in one sentence.

    他們用一句話否定了特朗普的全部論點。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • That's pretty much the Supreme Court's version

    這幾乎是最高法院的版本。

  • of responding to a long text with "K."

    的用 "K "回覆長文。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • One sentence. That page had less ink

    一句話。那一頁的墨水少了

  • than Rudy Giuliani's face.

    比魯迪-朱利安尼的臉。

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

    [笑聲和掌聲]

  • [ Rim shot ]

    [Rim shot]

  • That's basically a tweet that went to law school.

    這基本上是一條上了法學院的微博。

  • It is the equivalent of a judge taking off his leather glove

    這就相當於法官脫掉了皮手套。

  • and slapping you with it.

    並用它打你一巴掌。

  • [ Slap ] "You fool!"

    [耳光] "你這個笨蛋!"

  • All of the justices were like,

    所有的大法官都喜歡。

  • "We put on our robes for this? Wha--"

    "我們穿上長袍就是為了這個?Wha--"

  • The Court really tried to do Trump a favor though.

    不過法院真的想幫特朗普的忙。

  • They figured if it was one sentence,

    他們認為如果是一句話。

  • he would actually read it. [ Laughter ]

    他居然會讀它。[笑聲]

  • For Trump, it felt like applying to college

    對於特朗普來說,這感覺就像申請大學一樣。

  • and getting back a thin envelope.

    並拿回一個薄薄的信封。

  • It is like, "Well, this can't be good."

    這就像,"嗯,這不可能是好的。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Trump isn't giving up though. He's like,

    特朗普並沒有放棄,雖然。他就像。

  • Now it's time to appeal to an even higher court,

    現在是時候向更高的法院上訴了。

  • the Jedi Council.

    絕地議會。

  • Dear @Mandalorian..."

    親愛的@曼陀羅尼......"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • The other big news is that after testing positive

    另一個大新聞是,在測試陽性後

  • for COVID, today Rudy Giuliani

    為COVID,今天魯迪朱利安尼。

  • was discharged from the hospital.

    已出院。

  • Yeah. Another day, another Rudy discharge.

    是啊,又是一天,又是一個魯迪出院。又是一天,又是一個魯迪放電。

  • -Ooh!

    -哦!

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -That is right, America's Mr. Bean is back in action.

    -沒錯,美國的憨豆先生又開始行動了。

  • Giuliani didn't waste any time embarrassing himself.

    朱利安尼沒有浪費任何時間讓自己難堪。

  • He waved good-bye to the doctors wearing a gown

    他穿著長袍向醫生們揮手告別。

  • that was open in the front. He was like,

    那是開放的在前面。他很喜歡。

  • "I was just tucking it in."

    "我只是把它塞進去。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • But the hospital staff doesn't have faith in Rudy.

    但醫院的工作人員對魯迪沒有信心。

  • On his way out, he grabbed a Dunkin' Donuts napkin

    在他出去的時候,他拿了一張Dunkin' Donuts餐巾紙。

  • off of the ground and blew his nose in it.

    離地,並在其中擤鼻涕。

  • It's like, "Hey, guy."

    這就像,"嘿,夥計。"

  • That's right, the nurses are thrilled Rudy is gone.

    沒錯,護士們都很高興魯迪走了。

  • Now they don't have to keep changing his head pan.

    現在他們不用一直換他的頭盤了。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • That's a great joke, yeah.

    這是一個偉大的笑話,是的。

  • Yeah, it seems like there's so much going on right now.

    是啊,現在好像有很多事情要做。

  • President Trump's lawsuits continue to be thrown out.

    特朗普總統的訴訟繼續被駁回。

  • People are starting to get the COVID vaccine.

    人們開始接種COVID疫苗。

  • Joe Exotic asked Kim Kardashian

    喬異國問金-卡戴珊

  • to help him get a presidential pardon.

    以幫助他獲得總統赦免。

  • And workers at a New York City Chipotle

    而紐約市一家Chipotle餐廳的工人。

  • are fighting off a horde of rats.

    正在對抗一群老鼠。

  • There's a lot to go over, so let's just jump in

    有很多東西要講,所以我們就跳進去吧。

  • and cover it all at once. It is time for "News Smash."

    並一次性覆蓋全部。現在是 "新聞大亂鬥 "的時候了。

  • [ Applause ] ♪♪

    [ 掌聲 ] ?

  • First up, Trump's lawsuits, they're not going well.

    首先是特朗普的官司,進展不順利。

  • The Supreme Court just dismissed the GOP's attempt

    最高法院剛剛駁回了GOP的企圖。

  • to overturn the election in Pennsylvania.

    以推翻賓夕法尼亞州的選舉。

  • So I'm sorry, Mr. President, you tried your best,

    所以我很抱歉,總統先生,你已經盡力了。

  • but it just wasn't effective.

    但就是沒有效果。

  • But you know what is effective?

    但你知道什麼是有效的嗎?

  • The COVID vaccine.

    COVID疫苗;

  • It's making the rounds in England

    它在英國傳得沸沸揚揚

  • and things are looking promising.

    而且事情看起來很有希望。

  • I got to say it is nice to get some good news for once,

    我不得不說,這是很好的得到一些好消息的一次。

  • instead of news that completely melts your brain

    而不是讓你的大腦完全融化的新聞

  • and makes you feel insane. Speaking of which,

    並讓你感到瘋狂。說到這裡

  • Joe Exotic asked Kim Kardashian to help him

    喬異國請金-卡戴珊幫忙。

  • get a presidential pardon.

    獲得總統赦免。

  • Joe's in prison for trying to murder Carole Baskin.

    喬因試圖謀殺卡羅爾-巴斯金而入獄。

  • But he wants to get back to his life of wrangling tigers.

    但他想回到他的與虎謀皮的生活中去。

  • I mean, if we wants to wrangle large, furry beasts,

    我的意思是,如果我們想與大型的,毛茸茸的野獸搏鬥。

  • he could always apply for a job at Chipotle.

    他可以隨時申請在Chipotle工作。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • A location in New York City is struggling to deal with

    紐約市的一個地點正在努力處理。

  • a horde of giant rats.

    一群巨鼠。

  • It's gotten so bad that four employees have been bitten.

    它變得如此糟糕,以至於四名員工被咬傷。

  • That's not good.

    這不是很好。

  • They should probably all get vaccinated.

    他們也許都應該接種疫苗。

  • The U.S. will start giving out COVID vaccines soon.

    美國將很快開始發放COVID疫苗。

  • And the people that are first in line to receive them are,

    而最先接受他們的人是。

  • of course, elderly people with underlying health issues.

    當然,有潛在健康問題的老人。

  • People like President Trump. [ Laughter ]

    人們喜歡特朗普總統。[笑聲]

  • All three of Trump's Supreme Court nominees voted

    特朗普的三名最高法院提名人都投了票。

  • against his cause this week.

    本週反對他的事業。

  • Losing all those cases has got to sting,

    輸掉所有這些案子一定會很痛。

  • kind of like when you get bitten by a rat at work.

    就像你在工作時被老鼠咬了一樣。

  • They are chewing through wires and nibbling on avocados.

    它們正在咬著電線,啃著鱷梨。

  • It's basically a Chuck E. Chipotle in there

    基本上是一個查克-E-奇普特在那裡。

  • and the workers don't stand a chance.

    而工人沒有機會。

  • You know who else doesn't stand a chance?

    你知道還有誰沒有機會嗎?

  • Joe Exotic. [ Laughter ]

    喬異國情調。[笑聲]

  • Kim Kardashian isn't going to save you, man.

    金-卡戴珊是不會救你的,夥計。

  • But hey, it was worth a...shot. [ Laughter ]

    但是,嘿,這是值得一... ... 拍攝。[笑聲]

  • In conclusion, I don't think it's going to work out.

    總之,我覺得不會成功。

  • I don't think it's going to work out.

    我不認為會成功。

  • I think it's going to work out.

    我覺得會成功的。

  • I would not work there.

    我不會在那裡工作。

  • This has been a "News Smash." [ Applause ]

    這已經是一個 "新聞大爆炸"。[掌聲]

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • Well, some news from overseas.

    好了,一些來自海外的消息。

  • In Russia they're telling people not to drink alcohol

    在俄羅斯,他們告訴人們不要喝酒。

  • for almost two months

    近兩個月

  • after taking the Russian vaccine.

    服用俄羅斯疫苗後,。

  • Russians heard it and were like,

    俄國人聽到後,就像。

  • [Russian accent] "We'll take our chances with the virus.

    [俄羅斯口音]"我們會抓住機會,與病毒。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • You know it is serious because Russia does not even give

    你知道它是嚴重的,因為俄羅斯甚至不給。

  • that warning to pregnant women. [ Laughter ]

    該警告孕婦。[笑]

  • Meanwhile, President-elect Biden is busy with the transition,

    與此同時,候任總統拜登正忙於過渡。

  • and today, I read he's thinking about making Pete Buttigieg

    今天,我讀到他在考慮讓Pete Buttigieg...

  • the ambassador to China.

    駐中國大使。

  • Buttigieg heard and was like,

    布提吉格聽了,很喜歡。

  • "Yes, please send me to Wuhan where it is safer."

    "是的,請把我送到武漢去,那裡更安全。"

  • And apparently, Biden told Buttigieg, "Take it from me,

    而顯然,拜登對布提吉格說:"從我這裡拿。

  • if you work hard, you can be President in 50 years."

    如果你努力工作,你可以在50年內成為總統。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • That's right, the ambassador job is way better

    是啊,大使的工作比這好做多了

  • than the one Trump offered him --

    比特朗普提供給他的那個...

  • White House Elf on the Shelf. [ Laughter ]

    白宮精靈在貨架上。[笑聲]

  • Here's some tech news -- Google just released

    以下是一些科技新聞--谷歌剛剛發佈了

  • their breakdown of 2020's most searched topics.

    他們對2020年搜索量最大的話題進行了細分。

  • No surprise, number one was coronavirus.

    不出意外,第一是冠狀病毒。

  • And number two was election results.

    第二是選舉結果。

  • But they also released a list of their least searched terms.

    但他們也公佈了一份他們搜索量最少的詞彙清單。

  • The stuff that nobody Googled all year.

    這一年來沒人上網查的東西。

  • Check this out.

    看看這個。

  • Number five was sourdough stopper.

    五號是湯圓塞。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Interesting. I did not know that was a thing.

    有意思我不知道那是一種東西。

  • The fourth least searched term was

    搜索次數最少的第四個詞是

  • Facemasks with Mitch McConnell's chin on them.

    面罩上有米奇-麥康奈爾的下巴。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Number three was just Mank nudes.

    三號只是曼克裸體。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Number two was, How much to hire the law offices

    第二是,請律師事務所多少錢?

  • of Rudy Giuliani. [ Laughter ]

    的魯迪朱利亞尼。[笑聲]

  • And the number one least searched thing in 2020

    而2020年搜索量最少的第一件事

  • was WAP sheet music for church choir.

    是教會唱詩班的WAP樂譜。

  • Well, that's -- that's --

    嗯,那是... ... 那是... ...

  • [ Applause ]

    [掌聲]

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • That's really more of an organ song.

    這其實更像是一首風琴曲。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • And finally, I saw that Waze has a new feature

    最後,我看到Waze有了一個新功能

  • for the holidays where you can have Santa's voice

    在節日裡,你可以得到聖誕老人的聲音。

  • give you directions...

    給你指路...

  • which sounds fun until your kids hear their dad snap at Santa.

    這聽起來很有趣,直到你的孩子們聽到他們的爸爸在聖誕老人那裡發火。

  • "All right, I heard you!"

    "好吧,我聽到了!"

  • It's actually just a mall Santa, so every now and then

    其實這只是一個商場的聖誕老人,所以時不時的

  • you'll hear... [Belches] "50 feet.

    你會聽到...[Belches] "50英尺。

  • Explain to me why my wife let me."

    給我解釋一下,為什麼我老婆讓我。"

  • Guys, we have exactly eight shows left

    夥計們,我們還有八場演出

  • before we go on Christmas break,

    在我們去之前的聖誕假期。

  • Which means it's time for that beloved

    這意味著,是時候為心愛的

  • "Tonight Show" tradition.

    "今夜秀 "傳統。

  • It is time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters."

    現在是 "12天聖誕毛衣 "的時間。

  • -♪ 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters

    -12天的聖誕毛衣

  • Eight days left

    八天左

  • -That's right, every show between now and Christmas,

    -沒錯,從現在到聖誕節期間的每場演出都要看

  • we'll be giving one lucky audience member

    我們將給一位幸運的觀眾

  • a glorious Christmas sweater

    光榮的聖誕毛衣

  • from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.

    從聖誕倒計時內閣。

  • Now since there are eight shows left, let's open

    既然還有八場演出,那就開場吧。

  • door number 8.

    8號門。

  • [ Drum roll ]

    [鼓聲]

  • Ooh, all the way up top. Oh, yeah. Look at that.

    哦,所有的方式在頂部。哦,是的。看那。

  • Love it.

    我愛它

  • Wow. That is gorgeous. ♪♪

    哇,好漂亮這是華麗的。

  • That is nice.

    這是很好的。

  • A bird.

    一隻鳥

  • Wow. That is just beautiful.

    哇,太美了這只是美麗的。

  • There is -- it's like a turtleneck inside the sweater.

    有 -- 就像毛衣裡面的高領衫。

  • It's gorgeous.

    它的華麗。

  • Is that a couple partridges in there?

    那是幾隻鷓鴣嗎?

  • Ooh, on the back, a dancing lady,

    哦,在後面,一個跳舞的女士。

  • like a St. Pauli girl, yeah.

    就像一個聖保利女孩,是的。

  • Not an ad. Not an ad.

    不是一個廣告。不是一個廣告。

  • But we -- How many birds you got on there?

    但我們... ... 你有多少鳥在那裡?

  • One, two, three -- you got three partridges.

    一,二,三... 你有三隻鷓鴣。

  • It's not a pear tree. But you get the idea.

    這不是一棵梨樹。但你明白我的意思

  • Guys, let's see who's going home with tonight's sweater.

    夥計們,讓我們看看誰會帶著今晚的毛衣回家。

  • Everyone, look at your seat number.

    大家看一下自己的座位號。

  • If I call your number, come on down.

    如果我打你的電話,下來吧。

  • Quest, can I get a drum roll please?

    探索,我可以得到一個鼓聲嗎?

  • [ Drum roll ]

    [鼓聲]

  • 237!

    237!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

    [歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • That's what I'm talking about. Nice.

    這就是我說的。很好啊

  • Nice to see you, bud. Hey.

    很高興見到你,夥計。嘿,很高興見到你,夥計。

  • Thank you so much for being in our audience tonight.

    非常感謝你今晚來到我們的觀眾席。

  • What is your name and where are you from?

    你叫什麼名字,來自哪裡?

  • -Carmine. Originally from Brooklyn,

    -卡明卡明,來自布魯克林

  • but live in Staten Island now, make bad decisions.

    但現在住在史坦頓島,做出錯誤的決定。

  • -Hey, why not? Hey, please, we love --

    -嘿,為什麼不呢?嘿,求你了,我們愛 --

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Now you're wearing a nice, warm fleece there.

    現在你穿上了一件又暖又好的羊毛衫。

  • But I think that this would work out perfect.

    但我認為這將是完美的工作。

  • What do you think? -I think so. I think so.

    你覺得呢?-我想是的我想是的

  • I'll go with tree front. -Yeah, sure.

    我選擇樹前。-是的,當然

  • Again, these sweaters have no front or backs.

    同樣,這些毛衣也沒有正面和背面。

  • This year, everyone's guessing what the front and back is.

    今年,大家都在猜測前後左右是什麼。

  • Oh, look at this already. I feel --

    哦,看看這個了。我覺得...

  • Oh, I feel -- This is --

    哦,我覺得... ... 這是...

  • Oh, look at this.

    哦,看這個。

  • No, that's what I'm talking -- That --

    不,這就是我說的... ... 那...

  • Turn around and let's see the front.

    轉過身來,讓我們看看前面。

  • There you go. Perfect.

    你去那裡。完美的。

  • Oh, my God. Fantastic. Thank you so much.

    哦,我的上帝。夢幻般的。謝謝你這麼多。

  • Let's give our winner a round of applause once again.

    讓我們再一次把掌聲送給我們的冠軍。

  • Thank you to our lucky audience member.

    感謝我們的幸運觀眾。

  • We'll be right back with Jon Hamm, everyone.

    我們馬上回來和喬恩-漢姆見面,各位。

  • Come on back.

    回來吧

  • Ah, it's beautiful.

    啊,真漂亮。

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

-Thank you so much and welcome,

-非常感謝你,歡迎你。

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