WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."

歡迎來到 "晚間秀"。

I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

我是你的主持人STEPHEN COLBERT。

HUGE NEWS-- JUST MOMENTS BEFORE TONIGHT'S TAPING, THE ELECTORAL

重大新聞--就在今晚直播前的幾分鐘，選舉

COLLEGE OFFICIALLY CERTIFIED THAT JOE BIDEN WON THE 2020

學院官方證明，喬-比登贏得了2020年的比賽。

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.

主席選舉：

AGAIN!

又來了！

HE DID IT!

他做到了！

HE'S STILL THE WINNER!

他仍然是贏家！

AT THIS POINT, JOE BIDEN HAS WON THE ELECTION SO MANY TIMES, HE'S

在這一點上，JOE BIDEN已經贏得了選舉這麼多次，他是。

OUR 46TH THROUGH 51ST PRESIDENT.

OUR 46TH THROUGH 51ST PRESIDENT.

THIS IS ALSO BIG NEWS, BECAUSE THIS MEANS-- AFTER SIX AGONIZING

這也是個大新聞，因為這意味著 -- 在經歷了6個月的漫長歲月之後。

WEEKS-- THE ELECTION IS FINALLY OVER.

幾周 -- 選舉終於結束了。

STICK A FORK IN THE PRESIDENT HE'S DONE.

用叉子捅總統，他就完了。

ALSO, KEEP THAT FORK HANDY BECAUSE POKING HIM IN THE BUTT

還有，把叉子拿好，因為戳他的屁股。

MIGHT BE THE ONLY WAY TO GET HIM OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE.

也許這是唯一能讓他離開白宮的辦法。

I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST WHINING IN WHAT I HOPE IS THE FINAL

我將為你提供最新的抱怨，我希望這是最後一次。

INSTALLMENT OF A FAR-TOO-LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT:

安裝一個運行時間過長的部件。

♪ WHEN HAIR DYE LEAKED FROM RUDY'S HEAD

當頭發的染料從RUDY的頭上漏出來的時候。

♪ THROW OUT ALL THE VOTES DEPRESSED AND COVERED

拋出所有的投票 沮喪和覆蓋的

♪ IN SPRAY TAN THROW OUT ALL THE VOTES

在噴霧棕褐色拋出所有的投票權。

♪ GO DOWN PROUD BOYS BOOGALOO AND KU KLUX KLAN

下去驕傲的男孩BOOGALOO和KU KLUX KLAN，

♪ TELL OL' ALITO THROW OUT ALL THE VOTES ♪

告訴OL'ALITO扔掉所有的票數

>> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE."

>> "白宮之路"。

>> Stephen: THESE ARE GETTING LONGER, AND I LOVE 'EM, LESS

>> 史蒂芬: 這些越來越長了，我愛它們，少了。

WORK FOR ME, I'LL GRANT YOU THAT.

為我工作，我會答應你的。

LOOKS LIKE THE PRESIDENT HAS FINALLY RUN THROUGH ALL THE

看來總統終於把所有的事情都解決了。

POSSIBLE WAYS HE CAN DESTROY OUR DEMOCRACY, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN

他有可能破壞我們的民主制度，但這並不意味著。

HIS MONTHS-LONG ASSAULT HASN'T DONE SOME DAMAGE.

他長達數月的攻擊並沒有造成一些傷害。

I MEAN, JUST GETTING THE RUDY STAINS OUT OF THE CARPET ALONE

我是說，僅僅是把地毯上的汙漬清除掉而已

IS GOING TO TAKE SOME ELBOW GEASE.

是要採取一些肘部潤滑脂。

I THINK THAT'S WHAT WAS RUNNING DOWN HIS FACE.

我想這就是他臉上流淌的東西。

CASE IN POINT, THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE VOTE ITSELF.

例子中，選舉的學院投票自己。

TODAY, THE MICHIGAN CAPITOL WAS CLOSED, ARIZONA ELECTORS MET AT

今天，密歇根州議會關閉了，亞利桑那州的選舉人在這裡舉行會議

AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, AND THERE WAS A SECRET ENTRANCE IN

一個祕密的地點，並有一個祕密的入口，在

WISCONSIN TO KEEP ELECTORS SAFE.

威斯康星州要保證選舉人的安全。

THIS IS CRAZY.

這是瘋狂的。

THESE PEOPLE AREN'T POLITICIANS OR EVEN VOTERS.

這些人不是政治家，甚至不是選民。

THEY'RE MESSENGERS OF WHAT THE VOTERS SAID.

他們是投票者的使者。

THIS IS WHAT THE PHRASE "DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGERS" WAS

這就是所謂的 "不要射殺飛彈"。

INVENTED FOR!

發明的目的!

BUT THANKS TO THE G.O.P., THAT SAYING IS NOW, "BUY THE

但由於G.O.P.，這句話現在是："買了這本書。

MESSENGERS SOME BULLETPROOF VESTS AND SNEAK 'EM IN THROUGH

傳令兵一些防彈背心，然後從裡面溜進去。

THE BACK DOOR BECAUSE WE ARE COO-COO BANANAS AND WE GOT A LOT

後門，因為我們是COO-COO BANANAS，我們得到了很多。

OF GUNS!" THIS SHOULD ALL JUST BE BORING.

的槍！"這應該都只是無聊。

EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!

每個人都知道會發生！

IT'S NOT NORMALLY NEWS!

這不是正常的新聞！

IT'S LIKE ISSUING DEATH THREATS TO PAINT FOR DRYING.

這就像發出死亡威脅油漆晾晒。

THIS IS LIKE SIGNING UP FOR THE P.T.A. AND BEING TOLD,"OKAY,

這就像簽署了P.T.A.和被告知，"好吧。

YOU'RE ALL SIGNED UP.

你都註冊了。

HERE'S YOUR NUNCHUCKS AND YOUR FLAMETHROWERS.

這是你的NUNCHUCKS和你的火焰噴射器。

WE'LL SEE YOU AT WEDNESDAY'S MEETING IN THE THUNDERDOME!

我們會在週二的暴風雪會議上見到你!

CAN YOU BRING SNACKS?" BUT IT WASN'T JUST THE DEATH

你能帶點心來嗎？"但這不僅僅是死亡的問題。

THREATS.

威脅：

THE COVERAGE OF TODAY'S VOTE WAS ABSURDLY DRAMATIC.

今天的投票報道是荒謬的戲劇性。

JUST LOOK AT THIS URGENT MOMENT FROM CNN:

看看這個緊急的時刻從CNN。

>> MORE VOTES, BY THE WAY, ARE COMING IN RIGHT NOW.

>> 順便說一下，更多的投票，現在正在進來。

JUST MOMENTS AGO IN MISSOURI, THE ELECTORS CONFIRMED THEIR TEN

幾分鐘前，在密蘇里州，選舉人確認了他們的十位候選人。

ELECTORAL VOTES FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP AND VICE PRESIDENT

特朗普和副總統的選舉票數

MIKE PENCE.

邁克-彭斯

>> STEPHEN: I'M SORRY, WOLF, WE HAVE TO CUT AWAY FROM THAT

>> 對不起，狼，我們得從那上面剪下來

DRAMATIC FOOTAGE BECAUSE WE HAVE JUST LEARNED THAT YOUR UNCLE

戲劇性的鏡頭，因為我們剛剛知道你的叔叔。

ALLEN HAS DECIDED TO IRON HIS SHIRT --

艾倫決定給他的襯衫上鐵 --

(DRAMATIC MUSIC) >> Stephen: WE WILL, OF

(戲劇性的音樂) >> Stephen:我們會的

COURSE, CHECK BACK ON THAT STORY IF THERE ARE ANY NEW WRINKLES.

當然，如果有新的皺紋的話，請回看那篇報道。

PERHAPS THE WORST RECENT ASSAULT AGAINST DEMOCRACY WAS THE

可能最近對民主的最嚴重的攻擊是 "大選"。

SUPER-DUMB LAWSUIT FILED BY TEXAS ATTORNEY-GENERAL AND

德州總檢察長和德克薩斯州總檢察長提起的超級愚蠢的法律訴訟

MUGSHOT YOU JUST FOUND OF YOUR GRANDMA'S NEW

你剛剛發現的你奶奶的新照片的MUGSHOT

BOYFRIEND, KEN PAXTON.

男朋友，肯-帕克斯頓。

TEXAS WANTED TO INVALIDATE ALL THE VOTES IN WISCONSIN,

德州想取消威斯康星州的所有選票。

MICHIGAN, PENNSYLVANIA, AND GEORGIA BECAUSE THOSE STATES

密歇根州、賓夕法尼亞州和喬治亞州，因為這些州。

MADE IT EASIER TO VOTE DURING A PANDEMIC.

使得在大恐慌期間投票更加容易。

BUT TEXAS DOESN'T GET TO TELL OTHER STATES HOW TO DO THEIR

但德克薩斯州不能告訴其他州如何做他們的。

THING.

事情。

I MEAN, IF WE'RE LIVING BY THOSE RULES, LET'S KICK TEXAS OUT OF

我是說，如果我們按照這些規則生活，那就把德州踢出去吧。

THE UNION BECAUSE ALL OUR EXES LIVE THERE.

因為我們所有的前輩都住在那裡。

BUT THIS LAWSUIT WAS THE PRESIDENT'S LAST HOPE.

但這個訴訟是總統最後的希望。

HE CALLED IT, "THE BIG ONE."

他稱它為 "大人物"。

WELL, ON FRIDAY NIGHT, HE BIT "THE BIG ONE."

好吧，在星期五晚上，他咬了 "大的"。

THE SUPREME COURT REJECTED THE TEXAS SUIT SEEKING TO SUBVERT

最高法院駁回了德克薩斯州要求撤銷的訴訟。

THE ELECTION.

選舉。

THAT'S GOT TO STING.

這一定是刺痛。

THE PRESIDENT PERSONALLY STACKED THE COURT TO HAND HIM THE

主席親自召集法院，讓他把權力交給他。

ELECTION, AND THEN THEY WENT ALL REASONABLE ON HIS ASS.

選舉，然後他們就對他的屁股進行了合理的。

THAT'S LIKE FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER GOING, "BRINGING ME BACK

就像弗蘭肯斯坦的怪獸在說 "把我帶回來"。

FROM THE DEAD IS FRAUGHT WITH MORAL AND ETHICAL HAZARDS!

從死人堆裡爬出來的是道德和倫理上的危險!

AND FOR THE RECORD, FIRE QUITE USEFUL WHEN USED WITH CAUTION!"

"還有，在小心使用的情況下，火是很有用的！"

THE CASE WAS "DENIED FOR LACK OF STANDING."

本案 "因缺乏證據而被駁回"

NO SURPRISE THERE.

沒有什麼好奇怪的

THE PRESIDENT STRUGGLES WITH STANDING, WALKING, AND EVEN

主席與站著、走著、甚至是站著、走著、甚至是站著、走著、甚至是走著、走著、走著、走著、走著、走著、走著、走著。

SITTING WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE HE'S ON THE TOILET.

坐在沒有看起來像他在洗碗機上。

WITH THE LOSS, THE PRESIDENT IS NOW ONE-IN-59 IN POSTELECTION

失利後，總統在選舉中的比例為五十九分之一。

LITIGATION.

訴訟：

THAT IS SUCH A TERRIBLE RECORD, HE'S GETTING SYMPATHY CARDS FROM

這是一個可怕的記錄，他得到了同情卡從。

THE NEW YORK JETS.

紐約噴氣機。

BUT IN THE FACE OF REALITY, THE PRESIDENT IS DEFIANT,

但在現實面前，主席是不服氣的。

TWEET-YELLING, "WE HAVE JUST BEGUN TO FIGHT!"

在微博上大喊："我們剛剛開始戰鬥！"

WELL, THEN YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE STARTED FIGHTING EARLIER,

好吧，那你真的應該早點開始戰鬥。

BECAUSE YOU GOT YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU, AND IT'S OVER.

因為你的屁股被人打爛了，一切都結束了。

ON SATURDAY, BEFORE THE ARMY-NAVY GAME, THE PRESIDENT

星期六，在陸軍和海軍比賽之前，主席：

HELD A FACE TO TOO CLOSE FACE INTERVIEW WITH BRIAN KILMEADE,

與BRIAN KILMEADE進行了面對面的採訪。

AND HAD A BIZARRE EXPLANATION FOR WHY HE

並有一個怪異的解釋，為什麼他

THINKS HE REALLY WON.

以為他真的贏了。

>> THE ELECTION WAS OVER AT 10:00 IN THE EVENING.

>> 選舉在晚上10點結束。

I HAD WON, IT WAS 97, 98%.

我贏了，是97，98%。

ALL OF THE BOOKIES ALL OVER THE WORLD WERE SAYING THE ELECTION'S

全世界的博彩公司都在說選舉的事。

OVER.

完畢。

THEY WOULDN'T EVEN TAKE BETS ON IT.

他們甚至不會拿它打賭。

SNOWOH, YEAH, EVERYBODY KNOWS IT'S THE BOOKIES WHO PICKED THE

SNOWOH，是的，每個人都知道是賭徒們選的。

PRESIDENT.

主席：

THAT'S WHY IN 1932, HERBERT HOOVER SUFFERED A CRUSHING

這就是為什麼在1932年，赫伯特-胡佛遭受了一次沉重的打擊。

DEFEAT AT THE HANDS OF PRESIDENT SEABISCUIT.

敗在塞比錫克總統手中。

THE PRESIDENT WASN'T ALONE IN HIS FAILED WAR AGAINST

主席在他失敗的反戰中並不孤單。

DEMOCRACY, BECAUSE A LEGAL BRIEF SUPPORTING TEXAS' TERRIBLE AND

民主，因為一份支持德克薩斯州的可怕和

STUPID AND WRONG AND DUMB LAWSUIT WAS SIGNED BY 126 HOUSE

愚蠢、錯誤和愚蠢的法律訴訟被126議院簽署。

REPUBLICANS.

共和黨人：

TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE, IF YOU PUT ALL 126 OF THOSE

從這個角度來說，如果你把這126個人都放進去的話

CONGRESSMEN ON ONE RAFT GOING OVER NIAGARA FALLS, I'D WATCH.

議員們有一架飛機飛越尼亞加拉瀑布，我會看的。

FOLLOWING THE SCOTUS DECISION, MOST OF THESE GUYS STAYED

在美國最高法院的判決之後，這些人大部分都留下來了。

SILENT, BUT LOUISIANA REPRESENTATIVE MIKE JOHNSON

無聲無息，但路易斯安那州議員MIKE JOHNSON.

TWEETED THIS QUOTE BY JOHN QUINCY ADAMS:

微博上的這句話由約翰-昆西-亞當斯。

"DUTY IS OURS, RESULTS ARE GOD'S."

"責任是我們的，結果是上帝的。"

OKAY, BUT I ANOTHER FAMOUS JOHN QUINCY ADAMS QUOTE:

好吧，但我另一個著名的 約翰・昆西・亞當斯的報價。

"YOU LOST, MIKE JOHNSON!

"你輸了，邁克-約翰遜！

SUCK MY SIDEBURNS!" SO, WHAT'S TO BE DONE WITH THESE

"那麼，這些東西該怎麼處理呢？

ANTIDEMOCRATIC CULT MEMBERS?

ANTIDEMOCRATIC CULT MEMBERS?

WELL, THERE'S AN INTERESTING IDEA PUT FORTH BY NEW JERSEY

新澤西州提出了一個有趣的想法。

CONGRESSMAN BILL PASCRELL, SEEN HERE STAYING PERFECTLY STILL

* Congressman BILL PASCRELL, SEENES HERE STAYING PERFECTLY STILL * 在這裡保持完美的狀態

UNTIL HE REMEMBERS WHY HE CAME INTO THE KITCHEN.

直到他想起自己為什麼進廚房。

PASCRELL SENT A LETTER TO SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI IN WHICH HE

帕斯克雷爾給演講者南希-佩洛西寫了一封信，他在信中說："我是一個有責任感的人，我的責任感是什麼？

POINTS OUT THAT THE 126 CONGRESSMAN HAVE VIOLATED A

指出，126名議員違反了《聯合國憲章》的規定。

CLAUSE IN THE 14TH AMENDMENT BARRING REBELLION AGAINST THE

第十四條修正案中禁止反叛政府的條款。

CONSTITUTION, ADDING, "STATED SIMPLY, MEN AND WOMEN WHO WOULD

《憲法》，補充道："簡單地說，男人和女人誰將會：

ACT TO TEAR THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT APART CANNOT SERVE AS

撕毀美國政府的法案不能起到作用

MEMBERS OF THE CONGRESS."

國會成員。"

THAT SEEMS LIKE THE BARE MINIMUM FOR GOVERNMENT SERVICE.

這似乎是政府服務的最低限度。

TO BE ELECTED, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IN OUR ELECTIONS.

要想當選，你必須相信我們的選舉。

SAME WAY IN ORDER TO WORK AT ARBYS, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE

同樣的方式，為了在阿巴斯工作，你必須相信

IT'S MEAT.

它的肉。

BUT BANNING 126 MEMBERS OF CONGRESS MAY BE TOO MUCH.

但禁止126名國會議員可能太多。

SO I HAVE MY OWN MORE LIMITED SUGGESTION FOR THE SPEAKER.

所以我對演講者有自己更有限的建議。

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BAR 126 REPUBLICANS, BUT 18 OF THEM COME

你不必禁止126個共和黨人，但其中18個來自

FROM THOSE FOUR STATES WHOSE ELECTIONS THEY CLAIMED WERE

聲稱選舉失敗的4個州的選舉情況

FRAUDULENT.

金光黨。

WHICH IS A WEIRD SELF-OWN.

WHICH IS A WEIRD SELF-OWN.

IT'S LIKE BEING AT THE ALTAR.

這就像在祭壇上。

SHE SAYS, "I DO," AND YOU'RE LIKE, "REALLY?

她說，"我做的，"你想，"真的嗎？

WHY?" SO, I THINK IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT

為什麼？"所以，我認為這是很公平的。

THESE 18 EITHER RECOGNIZE THE ELECTION AS VALID OR BE

這18個國家既不承認選舉有效，也不承認選舉無效。

CONSISTENT AND SAY THAT THEIR WINS WERE FRAUDULENT.

始終如一的說他們的勝利是騙人的。

PUT IT TO A FLOOR VOTE ON DAY ONE.

把它放在第一天的現場投票。

"RESOLVED: THE ELECTIONS IN PENNSYLVANIA, MICHIGAN, GEORGIA,

"決議：賓夕法尼亞州、密歇根州、喬治亞州的選舉，

AND WISCONSIN WERE FREE AND FAIR.

和威斯康星州是自由和公平的。

THEREFORE, WE WILL SEAT OUR 18 COLLEAGUES."

是以，我們將坐下我們的18個合作者。"

THAT WAY, THE G.O.P. EITHER HAS TO VOTE THAT BIDEN WON FAIRLY,

這樣一來，G.O.P.既要投票認為比登贏得公平。

OR VOTE THAT THESE 18 IDIOTS LOSE THEIR JOBS.

或者投票讓這18個白痴丟掉工作。

EITHER WAY, IT'S A WIN-WIN.

無論哪種方式，都是雙贏。

IN THE END, EVEN HAVING A SPINELESS LACKEY HEADING THE

在最後，甚至有一個旋轉的LACKEY上司的

JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WASN'T ENOUGH TO LET THIS PRESIDENT

司法部沒有足夠的能力讓這個總統。

STEAL THE ELECTION.

竊取選舉。

BECAUSE MOMENTS AFTER BIDEN CLINCHED THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE,

因為在比登奪取選舉學院後的一段時間。

THE PRESIDENT ANNOUNCED THAT ATTORNEY GENERAL BILL BARR

主席宣佈律政司鮑磊先生宣佈："鮑磊先生，你是我的朋友。

RESIGNED.

辭去職務。

IT'S A FITTING END TO MR TOADIE'S WILD LIES.

這是對塗鴉先生的謊言的一個恰當的結束。

IN A BID FOR ATTENTION, THE PRESIDENT TWEETED, "BILL WILL BE

為了引起大家的注意，主席在推特上說："條例草案將會是......"。

LEAVING JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS WITH HIS

在聖誕節前離開，和他的家人一起過節。

FAMILY."

家庭。"

IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMETHING CALLED "VACATION" SO YOU DIDN'T

如果有一種叫做 "假期 "的東西就好了，所以你不需要。

HAVE TO QUIT YOUR JOB IN THE ADMINISTRATION TO SEE YOUR

必須辭去行政部門的工作才能看到你的。

FAMILY FOR CHRISTMAS.

聖誕節的家庭。

HOPEFULLY, BARR WILL LEAVE OFFICE BY BEING SEIZED BY

希望巴爾會因被查封而卸任。

ANONYMOUS FEDERAL AGENTS AND BEING STUFFED INTO AN UNMARKED

隱姓埋名的聯邦特工和被塞進一個沒有標記的箱子裡。

VAN.

VAN：

THIS DOESN'T COME AS A HUGE SURPRISE.

這並不是一個巨大的驚喜。

SOURCES SAY THE PRESIDENT WAS FRUSTRATED WITH BARR OVER HIS

有消息稱，總統對巴爾在他的問題上感到憤怒。

RECENT COMMENTS THAT THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT HAD FOUND NO EVIDENCE

最近有評論稱，司法部沒有發現任何證據。

OF WIDESPREAD ELECTION FRAUD.

選舉舞弊的廣泛傳播。

SO, BARR HAD TO LEAVE BECAUSE HE REFUSED TO DO WHAT THE PRESIDENT

所以，巴爾不得不離開，因為他拒絕執行總統的要求。

WANTED.

想要：

A REWARD USUALLY RESERVED FOR HIS WIVES.

獎勵通常是給他的妻子們的。

I HATE TO TELL YOU, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU CAN'T MAKE AN

我不想告訴你，先生。主席，你不能做任何事情。

ENTIRE CABINET LEVEL AGENCY DO YOUR BIDDING.

整個櫥櫃級代理公司做你的投標。

IT'S THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE, NOT JUST-YOU.

是司法部，不是你。

IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING IF BILL BARR WOULD DISTANCE HIMSELF

如果你想知道比爾-巴爾是否會離開自己

FROM THE ADMINISTRATION, HIS RESIGNATION LETTER MAKES IT

從行政部門，他的辭職信使其

CLEAR HE WON'T.

清楚他不會。

HE WRITES, "YOUR RECORD IS ALL THE MORE HISTORIC BECAUSE YOU

他寫道，"你的記錄更具有歷史意義，因為你

ACCOMPLISHED IT IN THE FACE OF RELENTLESS, IMPLACABLE

在無情、無力的情況下完成了它。

RESISTANCE.

抵抗力：

FEW COULD HAVE WEATHERED THESE ATTACKS, MUCH LESS FORGE AHEAD

很少有人能經受住這些攻擊，更不用說是進取了。

WITH A POSITIVE PROGRAM FOR THE COUNTRY.

為國家制定了積極的方案。

YOU BUILT THE STRONGEST AND MOST RESILIENT ECONOMY IN AMERICAN

你們建立了美國最強大和最穩定的經濟。

HISTORY."

歷史。"

ADDING "YOUR ASS IS THE SOFTEST AND SUPPLEST HEINIE MY LIPS HAVE

添加 "你的屁股是我嘴脣最柔軟和最柔軟的海尼埃"。

EVER SMOOCHED.

曾經SMOOCHED。

IT HAS A VELVETY RICHNESS WITH FAINT NOTES OF JACKBOOT AND

它具有豐富的皮革感，並帶有淡淡的牛仔褲的味道，同時也是一個很好的選擇。

PEPPERMINT."

PEPPERMINT。"

OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT ISN'T THE ONLY SCOURGE THAT'LL

當然，總統不是唯一的禍害，將

HOPEFULLY BE GONE SOON.

希望很快就會消失。

THERE'S ALSO COVID, AND I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S

還有科維德，我會在今晚的節目中告訴你最新的消息。

EDITION OF "CATCH A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."

"捕捉第三波：無盡的繁榮 "的版本。

>> SURF'S UP, DUDE.

>> SURF'S UP，DUDE。

OH, NO!

哦，不！

I'M AFRAID OF NEEDLES!

我害怕針頭！

AAH!

啊！

>> Stephen: HE'S GOT A NEEDLE AND TEETH.

>> Stephen:他有一個針和牙齒。

WE'VE SPENT NINE MONTHS IN HIDING FROM A VIRUS

我們已經花了九個月的時間來躲避一個病毒

THAT CONTINUES TO DEVASTATE OUR COMMUNITIES, BUT FRIDAY NIGHT,

繼續破壞我們的社區，但週五晚上。

WE FINALLY GOT THE NEWS WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR: THE F.D.A.

我們終於得到了我們一直在等待的消息：F. D. A.

ANNOUNCED AN EMERGENCY USE AUTHORIZATION FOR THE FIRST

宣佈第一次緊急使用授權。

COVID-19 VACCINE.

COVID-19 疫苗。

AND, THIS MORNING, THE FIRST AMERICAN WAS VACCINATED: SANDRA

今天早上，第一個美國人被打了疫苗： 桑德拉。

LINDSAY, A CRITICAL CARE NURSE IN QUEENS, WHICH WAS THE

琳賽，皇后區的一名重症護理護士，這是最重要的。

EPICENTER OF THE PANDEMIC IN THE SPRING.

春天的潘德米克中心。

[ APPLAUSE ] >> Stephen: THAT FEELS REALLY

[掌聲] >> Stephen:這感覺真的

GOOD TO SEE.

好看。

I MEAN, THAT IS MOVING.

我的意思是，這是移動的。

THIS IS THE MOST EXCITED I'VE BEEN TO WATCH SOMEONE ELSE'S

這是我看過的最興奮的一次。

DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT SINCE EVEL KNIEVEL GOT A ROUTINE

醫生的任命，因為EVEL KNIEVEL得到了一個規律。

PHYSICAL OVER SNAKE RIVER CANYON.

蛇河峽谷上空的物理學。

NURSE LINDSAY HAD AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FOR AMERICANS.

林賽護士有一個重要的消息給美國人。

>> I FEEL LIKE HEALING IS COMING.

>> 我覺得自己好像痊癒了。

I WANT TO INSTILL PUBLIC CONFIDENCE THAT THE VACCINE IS

我想讓公眾相信疫苗是安全的。

SAFE.

安全。

WE'RE IN A PANDEMIC, AND SO WE ALL NEED TO DO OUR PART TO PUT

我們在一個大恐慌，所以我們都必須做我們的一部分，以消除。

AN END TO THE PANDEMIC AND TO NOT GIVE UP SO SOON.

結束PANDEMIC，不要這麼快就放棄。

>> STEPHEN: ABSOLUTELY.

>> 當然。

UNTIL THIS IS OVER FOR GOOD, WE CAN'T GIVE UP ON MASK WEARING

在這一切徹底結束之前，我們不能放棄戴面具

AND SOCIAL DISTANCING.

和社會距離。

EVERYTHING ELSE, I'VE ALREADY GIVEN UP ON: EATING AT A TABLE,

其他的一切，我已經放棄了。在桌子上吃飯。

WORKING AT A TABLE, WEARING PANTS BELOW THE TABLE.

在桌子上工作，穿褲子在桌子下面。

PLUS, THEY UNVEILED THE BRAND NEW POST-SHOT STICKER: "CRUSHING

此外，他們還發布了全新的POST-SHOT貼紙："CRUSHING"。

COVID-19, GOT MY VACCINE."

COVID -19，得到了我的疫苗。"

A MUCH BETTER RHYME THAN 1885'S "IMMUNE FROM CHOLERA, NOW BACK

比1885年的 "膽囊炎免疫，現在又回來了 "好得多的韻律詩。

TO A LIFE OF SQUALOR-A."

"走向不平等的生活"

BEFORE YOU GET YOUR JAB, THERE ARE SOME GUIDELINES.

在你得到你的刺拳之前，有一些指南。

SPECIFICALLY, THE VACCINE IS ONLY RECOMMENDED FOR PEOPLE 16

特別是，本疫苗只推薦給16歲以上的人使用。