I guess I should work on being more patient with people.

Is that a good enough answer? Can I go now?

My resolution is to stop thinking so much, but how am I even going to quantify that?

How will I know if I'm succeeding?

Maybe I should pick something else. Uh...

I really should focus on tightening my budget and saving money this year, but I also want to go on a few trips, but they're small.

I think I can make it work.

Just Europe, Africa, Asia, South America, stuff like that.

I might also go back to school.

I might also take salsa lessons.

Not making salsa but salsa dancing.

But maybe I can learn how to make salsa too.

Can't be that hard right?

Well, I guess I need to think more and react less.

At least, that's what the judge told me.

That is a great question.

I've actually, I've got it here with me.

I've got it broken down into long-term goals, short-term goals, and then more existential ones.

I need to stop being so hard on myself and just be positive.

If I go on a date and it's really horrible, it's just a happy little accident.

Make a mistake at work that could cost me my job?

Happy little accident.

Feeling totally adrift in my life and without purpose?

Happy little accident.

Why do you want to know, huh?

You gonna keep tabs on me?

Wait for me to fail?

Get outta here.

I'm going to work on having more self-confidence.

Is that stupid? You can tell me if you think it's a stupid resolution.

I'm gonna be less hard on people.

Everyone gets a fresh start with me this year except for Timmy.

That little (bleep) knows what he did.

I need to stop taking all my time catering to other peoples' needs.

Oh, sorry, my phone just went off.

Uh. it's my grandma; just give me one second, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Grandma, can I call you right back?

Um, no, I don't remember what your Netflix password is.

Didn't you write it down?

Look, grandma, can't this wait a second?

Grandma, I'm in the middle of something,

Let me call you back.

I don't do New Year's Resolutions; I mean what's the point?

If you really cared about making a change in your life, you wouldn't wait until an arbitrary date on the calendar, now would you?

I need to stop saying yes to everything and just take it a little slower and just recharge my batteries a bit more this year.

But first there's the New Year's Eve Party, and that often turns into a New Year's Day party.

And then in a few weeks is the big MLK Day rager.

How could I miss that?

I'm going to be less competitive because apparently the way I play Monopoly is "threatening to tear this family apart."

Losers.

I'm gonna focus more on myself because I deserve it, but tell me about you.

I'm going on and on about myself, blah, blah, blah, me, me, me.

Tell me about you.

I can't tell you my resolution. What if I fail?

And then you become witness to my shame.

My resolution is to be more awesome.

I know what you're thinking: "He was so awesome last year, how is he gonna top it this year?".

But trust me I'll get it done.

Existential goals, whatever that means.

That little fudger knows what he did.

Can I get outta here now? Can I get this mic off?

Are we done?