You could point at me all you want.

你可以隨便指著我

I stand on my argument.

我堅持我的觀點。

Hello.

你好啊

Welcome to a late show.

歡迎來到晚間節目。

I'm sorry about that.

我很抱歉

I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

我是你們的主持人，斯蒂芬・科爾伯特。

If you're watching this at home right now, thank you.

如果你現在在家看這個，謝謝你。

Please stay there because the pandemic is worse than ever.

請留在那裡，因為疫情比以往任何時候都嚴重。

And I'll tell you all about it in tonight's installment of Catch A Third Wave.

而我將在今晚的《抓住第三次浪潮》中告訴大家。

Endless bummer.

無盡的無賴。

Get out, Get out!

滾出去，滾出去！

Experts warned us this would be a dark winter on.

專家警告我們，這將是一個黑暗的冬天，在。

Experts were right, because yesterday, American Cove in 19 deaths and Hospitalizations set records.

專家是對的，因為昨天，美國科夫在19個死亡和住院的記錄。

This is a time to try men's souls, but if we could just get through it, we can get back to setting fun records like World's Biggest pancake.

這是一個考驗男人靈魂的時刻，但如果我們能熬過去，我們就可以回去創造世界最大的煎餅等有趣的記錄。

Most old ladies stuffed in a bouncy castle.

大多數老太太都塞在充氣城堡裡。

Most flammable banjo Still dangerous.

最易燃的班卓琴還是很危險的。

But your fun things were so bad that yesterday Ohio reached a 15% positivity rate and issued a new travel advisory so strict that the state is recommending Ohioans avoid traveling to Ohio.

但你好玩的事情太糟糕了，昨天俄亥俄州的積極性達到了15%，併發布了新的旅遊警告，非常嚴格，州政府建議俄亥俄州人避免去俄亥俄州旅遊。

And those entering Ohio after traveling from Ohio are advised to self quarantine in Ohio.

而從俄亥俄州旅行後進入俄亥俄州的人，建議在俄亥俄州進行自我檢疫。

For 14 days, they've reached Mobius Quarantine.

14天了，他們已經到了莫比斯隔離區。

Ohio's got its own tail in its mouth.

俄亥俄州的嘴裡有自己的尾巴。

It's a coroner or a Boris.

這是一個驗屍官或鮑里斯。

It's all explained in the state's new tourism campaign.

這一切都在國家新的旅遊宣傳中得到了解釋。

Welcome to Ohio.

歡迎來到俄亥俄州。

Don't come and never leave.

不要來，也不要走。

But despite the record breaking numbers, some folks are throwing caution to the wind.

不過，儘管數字破了紀錄，但有些人卻把謹慎的態度拋向了風口浪尖。

Like Secretary of State and King of Pump Tober fest Mike Pompeo, Pompeo is hosting a big party at the State Department.

就像國務卿、泵託伯盛會之王邁克-蓬佩奧一樣，蓬佩奧在國務院舉辦了一場盛大的派對。

How big?

有多大？

He's inviting 900 people.

他邀請了900人。

900 people.

900人。

I wasn't invited, really, do they?

我沒有被邀請，真的嗎？

Do they know him on the cover of Vanity Fair?

他們知道他是《名利場》的封面人物嗎？

What?

什麼？

What?

什麼？

I know that I know that this how it's supposed to be all the cool people do it this way.

我知道，我知道這應該是所有酷人都這樣做的。

Look at that.

你看那個。

I wouldn't go.

我不會去。

I mean, I wouldn't go.

我的意思是，我不會去。

But 900 people who think they're just throwing me an invitation.

但有900人認為他們只是在向我扔邀請函。

Just be polite.

禮貌點就好。

Let's see what?

讓我們看看什麼？

It's not even a good idea.

這甚至不是一個好主意。

Toe have 900 people, not during Cove It 900 people is not a party.

要有900人，而不是在科夫它900人不是一個黨。

900 people is an airport terminal.

900人就是一個機場航站樓。

Republicans aren't the only ones ignoring the CDC.

共和黨人並不是唯一無視疾控中心的人。

In a disappointing show of bipartisanship, California Governor Gavin Newsom in San Francisco Mayor London Breed both traveled to Napa Valley recently for birthday dinners last month at the French Laundry.

在令人失望的兩黨合作中，加州州長加文-紐森（Gavin Newsom）在舊金山市長倫敦-布萊德（London Breed）都在上個月前往納帕谷，在法國洗衣店參加生日晚宴。

Some people might think the name French Laundry means the restaurant is squeaky clean.

有些人可能認為法國洗衣店這個名字意味著餐廳是吱吱作響的。

But remember, it's French laundry, so there's a lot of tongue so delicious.

但記住，這是法國洗衣店，所以有很多舌頭，所以美味。

Governor Newsome apologized.

紐森州長道歉了。

Sort of.

算是吧

A soon as I sat down at the larger table, I realized I was a little larger group, uh, than I had anticipated on I made a bad mistake.

我一坐到大一點的桌子上，我就意識到我是一個大一點的群體，呃，比我預期的我犯了一個嚴重的錯誤。

Instead of sitting down, I should have stood up.

與其坐著，不如站起來。

Yeah, virus can't get you If you're standing, you conjugate Whoa, whoa, whoa, Yeah, Thankfully, vaccine is on the way, but people might not take it.

如果你站著，病毒就不會傳染給你，你就會被感染 哇哦，哇哦，哇哦，是的，幸好，疫苗已經在路上了，但人們可能不會接受。

Do too crazy conspiracy theories on social media that claimed the vaccine is a clever cover for various forms of population control by a government, deep state, private philanthropists or even Satan.

在社交媒體上做太瘋狂的陰謀論，聲稱疫苗是政府、深國、私人慈善家甚至撒旦各種形式的人口控制的巧妙掩護。

While there's precedent for the devil pushing immunization, he gave Eve the apple, and we all know that keeps the doctor away.

雖然有魔鬼推行免疫的先例，但他把蘋果給了夏娃，我們都知道這讓醫生望而卻步。

Thankfully, former presidents Barack Obama, George W.

值得慶幸的是，前總統奧巴馬、喬治?

Bush and Bill Clinton have all volunteered to get the coronavirus vaccine publicly to prove it safe, with Obama saying I may end up taking it on TV.

布什、比爾-克林頓都曾主動公開接種冠狀病毒疫苗，以證明其安全性，奧巴馬說，我最終可能會在電視上服用。

Oh, yes, that's must see baby.

哦，是的，那是必看的寶貝。

Forget the man DeLorean people really wanna watch next year's biggest hit someone else's doctor's appointment?

忘了人迪羅蘭大家真的想看明年最大熱門別人看病嗎？

Turn your head for justice, CBS.

為正義而轉頭，CBS。

But listen, If Obama, Bush and Clinton want to get vaccinated on TV, that's where I work.

但聽著，如果奧巴馬、布什和克林頓想在電視上接種疫苗，那就是我工作的地方。

Come on over, guys.

來吧，夥計們。

You wouldn't be the first.

你不會是第一個。

Elvis Presley in 1956.

1956年，貓王-普雷斯利。

There he is, backstage at the Ed Sullivan Show.

他在那裡，在艾德沙利文秀的後臺。

What is he doing?

他在做什麼？

He's getting the polio vaccine.

他正在注射小兒麻痺症疫苗。

So President Bush, President Clinton, President Obama, Put your antibodies where your mouth is.

所以，布什總統，克林頓總統，奧巴馬總統，把你們的抗體放在你們的嘴裡。

Come on my show and drop trial backstage with the Ed Sullivan Theater in My Late Show.

來我的節目，在《我的晚間秀》中與艾德-沙利文劇院一起降試後臺。

Immuno tabula ex presidential Jabba Rama, featuring physician's assistant Snoop Dog.

免疫塔布拉前總統賈巴-拉瑪，由醫生助理史努比-狗主演。

You are going to get the vaccine, Essel believe, is what Snoop might say in this joke.

你要去打疫苗了，埃塞爾相信，這是斯諾普在這個笑話中可能會說的話。

Of course, we're fixing to get another ex president pretty darn soon.

當然，我們很快就會有另一位前總統了。

And even though we can't get him to admit that, let's learn the latest And CBS is long running segment.

雖然我們不能讓他承認，我們來學習最新的And CBS是長期運行的段子。

Ah, I am a bitchy, sniffy, teeny, teeny orange General Mussolini, did you steal your election away the road from the White House?

啊，我是一個賤賤的，嗅嗅的，十幾歲的，十幾歲的橙子墨索里尼將軍，你是在白宮的路上把你的選舉偷走了嗎？

Tell them what they've won over the last four years.

告訴他們在過去的四年裡，他們贏得了什麼。

We've occasionally talked about this administration, you know when it was appropriate and some of the crazy, you know, Norm smashing They've done not often, but sometimes.

我們偶爾會談論這個政府， 你知道，當它是適當的， 一些瘋狂的，你知道，規範粉碎 他們已經做了不經常，但有時。

But now that it's about to be over the president's team or leaving it all in the field after they burned down the stadium.

但現在馬上就要結束了，總裁的團隊還是在他們燒燬了球場後，把一切都留在了場上。

But now I'm not scared about it or angry about it.

但現在我不害怕了，也不生氣了。

I'm just in all at the sheer majesty of their stupidity.

我只是在所有在他們的愚蠢的純粹的威嚴。

Case in point.

案例中。

Former national security adviser and man plotting to steal every damn shrimp from that buffet.

前國家安全顧問，陰謀偷吃自助餐裡的每一隻蝦。

Michael Flynn.

Michael Flynn

On Tuesday, the general tweeted and add calling on the president to invoke limited martial law.

週二，將軍在推特上發文並補充呼籲總統援引有限的戒嚴法。

Yes, limited that mean tanks will crush dissidents, but only at participating Arby's.

是的，有限的，意味著坦克會粉碎異見者，但只有在參與的阿比的。

Don't worry, it's not forever.

別擔心，這不是永遠的。

Coup.

射。

Flynn is calling on the president to temporarily suspend the Constitution that might help.

弗林正在呼籲總統暫時中止可能有助於的憲法。

It was like, Hamilton said in the Federalist Papers.

就像，漢密爾頓在《聯邦黨人文件》中說的那樣。

Are you having trouble with your democracy?

你的民主有問題嗎？

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

你有沒有試過把它關掉再打開？

But one associate of the president still takes the crazy cake, and that's attorney and hungover sweet potato Rudy Giuliani.

但有一位總統的助手仍然佔據了瘋狂的蛋糕，那就是律師和宿醉的紅薯魯迪-朱利安尼。

Rudy has been traveling the country trying to convince state legislators to throw out the votes, has not going that well to start off.

魯迪一直在全國各地遊走，試圖說服州議員拋出選票，一開始並不順利。

Rudy and his team held unofficial hearings in Arizona and Pennsylvania hotels.

魯迪和他的團隊在亞利桑那州和賓夕法尼亞州的酒店舉行了非正式的聽證會。

I believe holding an unofficial hearing is also what Rudy claims he was doing in another hotel, a hearing and feeling.

我相信舉行非正式的聽證會也是魯迪聲稱他在另一家酒店所做的事情，是一種聽證和感受。

But yesterday, Rudy finally had a chance to allow his argument in front of actual legislators when he appeared in front of a Michigan House oversight Committee hearing.

但昨天，魯迪終於有機會在實際的議員面前允許他的論點，他出現在密歇根州眾議院監督委員會的聽證會前。

Yes, he finally got someone official to take him seriously, and he blew it literally because listen to this actual recording of Giuliani proving his case to the Legislature.

是的，他終於得到了官方的認真對待，他把它吹的字面意思，因為聽這個朱利安尼向立法機構證明他的案子的實際錄音。

The answer that I gave you is they didn't bother to interview a single witness.

我給你的答案是他們不屑於採訪一個證人。

Wow, Rudy made a tooty, sounded fresh and fruity.

哇，魯迪做了一個嘟嘟，聽起來很新鮮，很有水果味。

We laugh, but he was just citing the important legal precedent established in the landmark case of Smelt.

我們笑了，但他只是在引用具有里程碑意義的Smelt案中建立的重要法律先例。

It dealt it.

它處理它。

God, can we please go back to When things were on Lea leaking out of Rudy's head?

天啊，我們能不能回到 "當事情發生在Lea身上時，魯迪的腦袋裡就會洩露出來"？

Rudy wasn't the only person ruining his case because this was his star witness.

魯迪不是唯一一個毀掉他案子的人，因為這是他的明星證人。

The pull book is completely off.

拉本完全脫落。

Completely off that 3000, I'd say that pull book is off by over 100,000, she concluded her testimony by saying, I would like to speak to America's manager.

完全偏離了這3000，我說拉賬偏離了10多萬，她在證詞的最後說，我想和美國的經理談談。

I'll wait because I know you have it in a size six.

我會等，因為我知道你有6號的。

I'll wait.

我等著

Grain that that woman there is alleged contractor for Dominion voting systems and lady at the brunch, butchering the phrase huevos rancheros.

穀物，那個女人有據稱承包人 多米尼克投票系統和女士在早午餐，但chering的短語huevos rancheros。

Melissa Karen.

梅麗莎-凱倫

Turns out Melissa had a lot to say.

原來梅麗莎有很多話要說。

That pull book.

那個拉書。

Why don't you look at the registered voters on there?

你為什麼不看看上面的登記選民？

How many registered voters air on there?

有多少登記的選民在上面廣播？

Did you do you even know the answer to that?

你知道答案嗎？

I guess I'm trying to get to the 000 Congratulations to all of you who didn't travel for Thanksgiving.

我想我正在努力達到000 恭喜你們所有感恩節沒有旅行的人。

You still get to see your cousin.

你還能見到你的表妹。

Start a fight after three memos is if Nana loved you so much.

三次備忘錄後開始吵架是如果娜娜這麼愛你。

How many of her marble coasters did she leave you?

她給你留了多少個大理石杯墊？

00 Okay, I got three.

00 好吧，我有三個。

The red one, the one with the swirly lines and the red one.

漩渦紋和紅色的那個。

Suck it, Brenda.

吮吸它，布倫達。

Zero.

零。

But Melissa didn't spend the whole time accusing poll workers of messing with the vote count.

但梅麗莎並沒有一直指責投票站工作人員搞亂選票統計。

She also accused the legislatures and ghosts.

她還指責立法機構和鬼。

Are we saying that the poll book is either wildly off or that they are filling in names?

我們是說民調本要麼是瘋狂的偏差，要麼是他們在填名字？

It's wildly off and dead people voted.

這是很瘋狂的偏差，死人投票。

My question is why we're not seeing the poll book off by 30,000 votes.

我的問題是，為什麼我們沒有看到投票簿上的3萬票的偏差。

That's nothing.

這沒什麼。

What did you guys do?

你們做了什麼？

Take it and do something crazy to it?

拿著它做一些瘋狂的事情？

Why is she biting her lip?

她為什麼咬著嘴脣？

What crazy thing does she think they did to the books?

她認為他們對書本做了什麼瘋狂的事情？

What did you dio?

你做了什麼？

Did you take the books to a fancy hotel room, order some strawberries and champagne, give it a little back rub, and then do something crazy to it kind of thing?

你是不是把書帶到了高級酒店的房間裡，點了一些草莓和香檳，給它做了一些背部按摩，然後對它做了一些瘋狂的事情？

Your boyfriend Brian is too scared to try.

你的男友布萊恩不敢嘗試。

I would like to talk to Brian's manager now.

我現在想和布萊恩的經理談談。

Somebody's little girl.

有人的小女孩。

Now, why should we believe her?

現在，我們為什麼要相信她？

Well, according Thio Melissa, because she signed a piece of paper.

好吧，根據Thio Melissa，因為她簽了一張紙。

I know what I saw there feeling.

我知道我看到那裡的感覺。

I know what I saw.

我知道我看到了什麼。

And I sign something saying that if I'm wrong, I could go to prison.

我簽了一些東西，說如果我錯了，我可能會進監獄。

Did you?

你有嗎？

Unassailable argument clinching rejoinder from the rostrum.

不可動搖的論點緊要從講臺上反駁。

You sign a piece of paper, Mr.

你籤一張紙，先生。

And now, if you're ever wrong, you go to prison.

現在，如果你錯了，你就得進監獄。

That's the law.

這就是法律。

How do I know that?

我怎麼知道？

That's the law.

這就是法律。

I signed a piece of paper that says that's the law.

我簽了一張紙，上面寫著這是法律。

And if I'm wrong.

如果我錯了

Why aren't I in prison?

我為什麼不在監獄裡？

Did you?

你有嗎？

This testimony was so not helpful that at one point Rudy Giuliani tried to stop her.

這個證詞非常無益，以至於魯迪-朱利安尼一度試圖阻止她。

Yes.

是的，我知道

How many?

有多少人？

Wait, What about?

等等，怎麼了？

What about How?

那如何呢？

What about About the turnout, right?

那關於投票率呢，對吧？

120%.

120%.

It's a bad sign.

這是個壞兆頭。

What?

什麼？

Rudy Giuliani thinks you're going over the top.

魯迪-朱利安尼認為你太過分了。

It's like the Hulk pulling you aside and saying, Hulk, think you need anger management, Hulk.

就像綠巨人把你拉到一邊說，綠巨人，覺得你需要憤怒管理，綠巨人。

Not like you when you angry.

不像你生氣的時候。

The president is trying to convince us that what we see and hear.

總統試圖讓我們相信，我們所看到和聽到的。

Excuse me.

對不起，請原諒

Excuse me.

對不起，請原諒

Order in the court, Your Highness.

殿下，宮中秩序。

I'm sorry.

我很抱歉

This is one of my writers.

這是我的一個作家。

Eliana Court Lor Eliana, what are you doing here?

Eliana Court Lor Eliana, 你在這裡做什麼？

What are you doing here, sir, Do you even know the answer to that?

你在這裡做什麼，先生，你知道答案嗎？

Look, I I know she's a fun character to play, but that doesn't mean you could just interrupt the monologue.

聽著，我知道她是個有趣的角色，但這並不意味著你可以隨便打斷她的獨白。

Me?

我？

Excuse me.

對不起，請原諒

Object Hman.

對象Hman。

Ariel, this is my head writer Ariel Dumas.

Ariel，這是我的首席作家Ariel Dumas。

Ariel, please.

艾瑞爾，拜託

Not you too.

不是你也是。

Honestly, Eliana is impression is off by 100,000 like 120%.

老實說，伊蓮娜的印象是偏離了10萬，像120%。

She has zero blonde hair.

她的金髮是零。

Zero uh, no fair.

零呃，不公平。

I sign something that says if I'm wrong, I goto present.

我籤的東西說，如果我錯了，我就得到了現在。

And I wrote it on lipstick on this cocktail nap.

而我在這次雞尾酒會上用口紅寫的。

Get okay if you two could just let me finish my mommy.

如果你們兩個能讓我完成我的媽媽，就會好起來。

Excuse me.

對不起，請原諒

If anyone gets to play the fun drunk lady, it's the most Irish person.

如果有人能扮演有趣的醉酒女，那就是最愛爾蘭的人。

Kate, you can't even pretend to be drunk.

凱特，你甚至不能假裝喝醉。

You're pregnant.

你懷孕了

Hey, I'm allowed one pretend.

嘿，我可以假裝一次。

Drink with dinner, okay?

吃飯時喝，好嗎？

You're all very talented, but I did not ask any of you Miss me.

你們都很有才華，但我沒有要求你們任何一個人小姐我。

Oh, my God, Philippe.

哦，我的上帝，菲利普。

You just wanted to do the impression, didn't you?

你只是想留下印象，不是嗎？

I've been doing an impression.

我一直在做一個印象。

I'm just drunk at work.

我只是在工作中喝醉了。

Debt.

債務：

People are writing this show.

人們在寫這個節目。

Merry Hanukkah.

光明節快樂。

My riders, everybody.

我的騎手們，各位。

My trunk Drunk riders.

我的後備箱 醉酒的車手。

We've got a great show for you tonight.

我們今晚為你準備了一場精彩的演出。

I'm gonna be talking to the former director of cybersecurity and infrastructure Security Agency, Christopher Krebs.

我要和前網絡安全和基礎設施安全局局長克里斯托弗-克雷布斯談談。

The guy Trump fired.

特朗普開除的那個人。