Then I will just say I'm gonna welcome my friend Pete Holmes to the show.

那我就說我要歡迎我的朋友皮特-霍姆斯來參加節目。

AP.

AP：

That's it.

就這樣吧

That's it.

就這樣吧

Okay, great.

好的，很好。

I am welcomed.

我很歡迎。

I feel welcome.

我覺得很受歡迎。

It's so nice to see you.

見到你真好

I miss you, man.

我想你，夥計。

I really dio a lot of work.

我真的做了很多工作。

Goes into a short late night stand upset.

陷入短暫的深夜站立不安。

Join me, J.

加入我，J。

P.

P.

Buck.

巴克。

As I spotlight the comedians who came up with some of my favorite coin sets, this'd is the set up.

當我聚焦於那些想出一些我最喜歡的硬幣套裝的喜劇演員時，這個d就是設置。

Please.

求你了

Welcome to very funny Pete Holmes.

歡迎來到非常有趣的皮特・霍姆斯。

E had been submitting sets.

E一直在提交集。

I really wanted to be on Conan by the time I was 30.

我真的想在30歲的時候上《柯南》。

It was It was one of the very few, um, specific.

這是... ...這是少數幾個，嗯，具體的之一。

Like, actual goals.

比如，實際的目標。

I had certain goals, but they were all sort of like rainbows.

我有一定的目標，但都有點像彩虹。

They were vague and I don't know some magical feeling in the future, but I was like, I want to do Conan by the time I'm 30 and I based that on almost nothing.

他們是模糊的，我不知道未來的一些神奇的感覺，但我想，我想做柯南的時候，我30歲，我根據幾乎沒有。

And I was 31.

而我當時31歲。

I used to joke that I blamed my divorce because that's sort of like eight a year of my life.

我曾經開玩笑說，我責怪我的離婚，因為這算是我人生中一年八。

It sort of slowed me down, but I was right.

它有點讓我慢下來，但我是對的。

I was right on time.

我是準時的。

When I was trying to get on Letterman, you'd send them a five minute tape and then they'd be like, We like it.

當我想上Letterman的時候，你會給他們發一盤5分鐘的錄音帶，然後他們會說，我們喜歡。

Except maybe this joke.

也許除了這個笑話。

Then you'd send them another.

那你就再給他們發一個。

It would take another month to get a five minute tape that you liked with that joke removed in this one in where I'm like, if you just sent a longer tape, you could be like, Yeah, okay.

這將需要再花一個月的時間來得到一個五分鐘的錄音帶，你喜歡的那個笑話刪除在這一個在哪裡我想，如果你只是發送一個較長的錄音帶，你可以像，是啊，好吧。

You want a different 30 seconds.

你想要一個不同的30秒。

Here you go.

給你

But that's not even what got it for me is then you happen to be at the improv on Melrose And I was doing I was going on last, and I was so happy that you were there because this is what everybody thinks.

但這還不是我的目的，然後你碰巧在梅爾羅斯的即興表演，我正在做，我是最後一個，我很高興你在那裡，因為這是大家的想法。

Show business is like the Booker for Conan will be in the crowd.

演藝圈就像柯南的布克會在人群中。

And you were there and we had been exchanging tapes and stuff and you watched me and I did the Google bit.

你也在那裡，我們一直在交換錄音帶之類的東西，你看著我，我做了谷歌位。

And then this is such good timing.

然後這就是這麼好的時機。

It's like you liked the Google bet and you wanted to premier it on Conan, which was like the best news ever.

就好像你喜歡谷歌的賭局，想在《柯南》上首播一樣，這簡直是最好的新聞。

And I had already taped it for the John Oliver Show, which is what Conan plugs in the intro.

而且我已經為約翰-奧利弗秀錄好了，這就是柯南在開場時插播的內容。

So I'm like, Isn't it funny?

所以我想，這不是很有趣嗎？

We're plugging the show that features the bit that's breaking on this show to beat that show.

我們插播的節目，特色是在這個節目中打破的位，打那個節目。

I was like, Any time if you're pitching a TV show or a set or any idea if there's anything that can put a clock on it, that could be like We need to do this before this.

我當時想，任何時候，如果你要投拍一部電視劇，或者一套或者任何想法，如果有什麼東西可以放一個時鐘，那可以像我們需要在這之前做這個。

It's always helpful, and I feel like that Grease the wheels.

它總是有幫助的，我覺得像輪子上塗油。

It actually kind of works that I'm wearing this terrible shirt.

其實我穿著這件糟糕的襯衫也是一種工作。

It's like a smoke for painting.

就像畫畫用的煙。

It's just like like nobody tells you what to wear.

這就像沒有人告訴你該穿什麼一樣。

Like I just kind of came in that shirt and it's it's too big.

就像我剛來的那種襯衫，它的... ...它太大了。

And but that that helped, because when I say I'm not a cool guy, I don't know if you could tell by my overall vibe.

而且，但這有助於，因為當我說我不是一個很酷的傢伙，我不知道你是否可以告訴我的整體氛圍。

That's the first joke.

這是第一個笑話。

I don't think they would have laughed if I hadn't done something sort of fumbling bumbling up top, and that actually included how I looked like if I was wearing a suit or something and I said, I don't know if you could tell I'm not a cool guy.

如果不是我在上面做了某種摸爬滾打的事情，我想他們是不會笑的，這其實也包括了我穿西裝什麼的樣子，我說，我不知道你能不能看出來我不是一個很酷的人。

If I looked like Mulaney or something, you'd be like, No, you seem like a pretty cool guy like you're sharp and well dressed.

如果我長得像木蘭尼什麼的，你就會說，不，你看起來是個很酷的人，像你很聰明，穿得很好。

So even the the outfit was sort of telling the first joke.

所以，即便是這套衣服也算是講了第一個笑話。

E think it was Seinfeld or maybe Chris Rock that talked about you always waved, waved to the host and wave to the band.

E想是Seinfeld或者Chris Rock說到你總是揮手，向主持人揮手，向樂隊揮手。

And they were like, That's the quickest way to look like a professional.

他們說，這是最快的方式 看起來像一個專業。

Yeah, that was exciting.

是啊，那是令人興奮的。

Uh, how's it going, everybody?

呃，怎麼樣了，各位？

It came out and I just wanted them to laugh at me, smiling, standing there.

它出來了，我只想讓他們笑我，笑著站在那裡。

And when they didn't, I'm sort of like, How are you?

當他們沒有的時候，我有點像，你怎麼樣？

I'm trying to establish up top, which, of course, you do live.

我想在上面建立，當然，你確實住。

But it's even more important, I think, for TV sets, it's like I'm you're watching me, but I'm watching you.

但我覺得更重要的是，對於電視機來說，它就像我你在看我，但我在看你。

I don't want to feel like I'm showering on stage and you're watching me.

我不想讓人覺得我在舞臺上洗澡，而你在看我。

I wanna be like I say this to crowds.

我想成為像我這樣對眾人說的人。

I go, you're you're evaluating me.

我去，你你在評價我。

I'm evaluating you like I'm going to talk to other people about how you were.

我評價你，就像我要跟別人說你如何如何。

Things is not, and that's and that's to get them sort of in a performative place.

事情不是，那是，那是讓他們那種在表演的地方。

I want to get this out of the way.

我想把這個事情解決掉。

Right up top.

就在上面。

I'm not a cool person.

我不是一個很酷的人。

I don't know if you can tell already.

不知道你是否已經看出來了。

From my overall vibe, I don't know if this is gonna make sense, but I'm 31 years old.

從我的整體氛圍來看，我不知道這是否會有意義，但我已經31歲了。

I don't have any kids, but I'm already kind of like a fun dad.

我沒有孩子，但我已經有點像個有趣的爸爸了。

Can you get that sense for me?

你能幫我找找感覺嗎？

Just like the dorky dad at a barbecue?

就像燒烤時的呆萌老爸？

Just like you fresca that guy singing hip hop Wrong to Children Just like I'll say, You can have whatever you need.

就像你的fresca那個傢伙唱嘻哈，錯給孩子們 就像我說的，你可以有任何你需要的。

Yeah, Snacks on, Dad.

是啊，小吃上，爸爸。

Potro no.

不是馬駒。

Put your own fun, Dad.

把你自己的樂趣，爸爸。

Like I don't have kids.

就像我沒有孩子一樣。

But if I did, I would be the kind of dad.

但如果我做了，我會是那種爸爸。

They're having a sleepover.

他們在過夜

Keep barging in.

繼續突擊。

Embarrassing them with a tray of food.

用一盤食物讓他們難堪。

Just like tuna melts.

就像金槍魚融化一樣。

Dance style.

舞蹈風格。

That's extra me.

這是額外的我。

Oh, if you like it, then you should put some cheese on it.

哦，如果你喜歡它，那麼你應該把一些奶酪上。

If you get out here dab if you like it, then you shouldn't put your feet on it.

如果你喜歡就出來沾沾自喜，那你就不該把腳放在上面。

Seriously, Kyle, The ottoman is decorative.

說真的，凱爾，長椅是裝飾品。

So you didn't know you didn't know things bit at this point I believe in your career was longer.

所以你不知道你不知道的事情位在這一點上我相信在你的職業生涯是比較長的。

Remember, there's a non smoking queen joke.

記住，有一個不吸菸女王的笑話。

Yeah, no, it was longer.

是的，不，它是更長的時間。

The non smoking queen thing was when John Mulaney he and I were touring together on I was checking into a hotel and this is just really they said One of our rooms is a non smoking queen and I went, That's May, and that's when John said, You're like a fun dad.

不吸菸女王的事情是當約翰-穆蘭尼... ...他和我一起巡演的時候... ...我在一家酒店登記入住，他們說我們的一個房間是不吸菸女王，我說："那是梅，"約翰說："你就像一個有趣的爸爸。

And I said, This is what any comedian should say when another comedian makes fun of them.

我說，這是任何一個喜劇演員應該說的，當另一個喜劇演員取笑他們的時候。

Can I have that on?

我可以戴上嗎？

It wasn't we re created it on crashing.

這不是我們重新創建的，在崩潰。

We had Jamie's character say to me, You're like, If I'm Dad because I wanted to show that that's where often jokes come from is instead of having your feelings hurt when another comedian, it's like if another commune makes fun of you, get out your note pad like this is how the world sees you.

我們讓傑米的角色對我說，你就像《如果我是爸爸》，因為我想表明，這就是經常開玩笑的地方，而不是當另一個喜劇演員時，你的感情受到傷害，就像如果另一個公社取笑你，拿出你的記事本，就像這是世界如何看待你。

This is probably how the audience doesn't know.

這大概是觀眾怎麼也不知道的。

Maybe they see you, but when you say it, you go like Oh, right, that that's a great line.

也許他們看到你，但當你說出來的時候，你就會覺得哦，對，那是一句很棒的臺詞。

Eso I have a night telephone, Have a night telephone trying to get into this.

所以我有一個夜間電話，試圖進入這個。

Thank you real quick.

謝謝你真的很快。

You was a hotline.

你是一個熱線。

That was the hotline at the love I telephone is a silly little laugh the top.

那是在愛我電話的熱線電話，是一個傻乎乎的小笑頂。

But here this moment where you grab the mic, you actually requested a certain Mike.

但在這裡你搶到話筒的這一刻，你其實是要求某個邁克。

I said like you have a handheld, you have wireless lav mic that your hands are free.

我說像你有一個手持機，你有無線lav麥克風，你的手是自由的。

But you would said to me I want a wireless mic on a mic stand because I need to lean into this.

但你會對我說，我想要一個無線話筒放在話筒架上，因為我需要靠這個。

Yeah, you said it's the physical physicality of you.

是啊，你說這是你的身體體質。

Stepping forward on this bit was very important.

在這一點上邁出了非常重要的一步。

It's like grabbing a lever or something like it's this thing and I haven't touched it.

就像抓住了一個槓桿什麼的，就像它這個東西，我還沒摸到。

The whole set, No, for the most part, and it almost looks like a dance partner like you're taking it like you're gonna dip it and then it gives you this like it also feels like a weapon.

整個套路，不，大多數情況下，它幾乎像一個舞伴一樣，你拿著它就像要去浸泡它，然後它給你這個像也感覺像武器。

Now it's like I I'm armed.

現在，它就像我我的武裝。

I have this this, like spear, and there's, like, heavy based mace that I'm gonna like and the the energy my energy completely shifts.

我有這個這個，就像矛，還有，就像，沉重的基礎法杖，我要去喜歡和能量我的能量完全轉移。

And knowing that I could grab the sort of Merlin staff and go like, alright, motherfuckers, you listen to me because you sat through that silliness and you stayed with me.

我知道我可以抓住那種梅林的工作人員，並去像，好吧，混蛋，你聽我的，因為你坐在通過愚蠢的，你留在我身邊。

I love you now, and my hope is to give you something that we can all enjoy.

我現在愛你，我的希望是給你一些我們都能享受的東西。

But like I'm not around anymore, you know, I have Google on my phone.

但就像我不在身邊了，你知道，我的手機上有谷歌。

I'm guessing a lot of you dio I've Google on my phone Now that's ruining our lives.

我猜你們很多人都在手機上裝了谷歌，這可毀了我們的生活。

I don't know if you've noticed it's ruining life because we know everything.

我不知道你是否注意到了，它毀了生活，因為我們什麼都知道。

But we're not a lick smarter for it.

但我們並沒有是以變得更聰明。

We just know you don't know something.

我們只知道你不知道什麼。

Wait two seconds.

等兩秒鐘。

You will know having Google on your phone is like having a drunk.

你會知道手機上有谷歌就像有一個醉漢。

No, it all in your pocket.

不，這一切都在你的口袋裡。

There's no time for mystery or wonder.

沒有時間去神祕和好奇。

You're just like, how do they make glass And you know, But the time between not knowing and knowing is so brief that knowing feels exactly like not knowing.

你只是想，他們是怎麼做玻璃的，你知道，但不知道和知道之間的時間是如此短暫，知道的感覺就像不知道一樣。

So life is meaningless, Theo.

所以生命是沒有意義的，提奧

Craziest thing about this joke is that it was a fresh take.

這個笑話最瘋狂的地方在於，它是一個新鮮的話題。

Like when I say I have Google on my phone.

比如我說我手機上有谷歌。

That was kind of a newer thing that meant like I have a fancy phone.

那是一種較新的東西，意思是說像我有一個漂亮的手機。

And on Lee, probably 33% of the crowd probably had a smartphone at that time.

而在李先生身上，當時大概有33%的人群可能有智能手機。

So it was like breaking news.

所以，這就像是突發新聞。

Like I I especially when I first started telling the joke.

像我我特別是剛開始講這個笑話的時候。

I have literally been in bed in the morning alone, just like, where's Tom Petty from?

我真的一直在床上 在早晨獨自一人，只是喜歡， 哪裡的湯姆-佩蒂從？

Mm.

嗯。

But I feel nothing because there was no time to not know.

但我覺得沒什麼，因為沒有時間不知道。

Listen to me, there was a time, and I don't mean to get all Andy Rooney on you, but there was a time that if you didn't know where Tom Petty was from, you just didn't know on you felt that yearning and that deficit in your being and you'd go around and ask actual people like, Where's Tom Petty from?

聽我說，曾經有一段時間，我並不想把安迪-魯尼說得天花亂墜，但曾經有一段時間，如果你不知道湯姆-佩蒂從哪裡來，你就不知道，你就會感到那種渴望，你就會到處去問實際的人，比如，湯姆-佩蒂從哪裡來？

I don't know.

我不知道。

I don't know.

我不知道。

I don't know.

我不知道。

And now I'm impregnated with wonder.

而現在，我被奇蹟所浸染。

And then they go and ask people until one fateful day.

然後他們就去問別人，直到某一天。

You see a girl wearing ah Heartbreakers T shirt.

你看到一個女孩穿著啊心碎的T桖。

You rush up to her and you're like, Hey, where's Tom Petty from?

你衝向她，然後說，嘿，湯姆-佩蒂從哪裡來？

And she tells you Florida and a wave of endorphins and pleasure and meaning would wash over you, and you felt something.

她告訴你，佛羅里達州和內啡肽和快樂和意義的浪潮 將沖刷你，你覺得東西。

And that's how you met your wife.

你就是這樣認識你的妻子的。

Do you understand?

你明白嗎？

Your wedding song was refugee.

你的婚禮歌曲是難民。

This'll was the first sort of joke that I was like, I will not forget how I feel about smartphones and Google because I care and and that's where the grabbing the mic and that's when I'm yelling.

這將是第一個排序的笑話，我當時想，我不會忘記我對智能手機和谷歌的感覺，因為我關心和，這就是搶麥克風的地方，這就是我大喊大叫的時候。

But it's earned and and the pace picks up.

但這是賺了，而且速度也加快了。

I'm watching one man struggle with his search for Tom Petty, which is so inconsequential because what you're gonna do this information.

我看著一個人在尋找湯姆-佩蒂的過程中苦苦掙扎，這是很不重要的，因為你要做什麼，這些資訊。

But then, at the end of the office, look, that was That was a click moment for me was to try and tie it back to something human like It's not just that you want to know.

但是，在辦公室結束時，你看，那是一個點擊時刻對我來說是嘗試，並將其與一些人性化的東西，如它不只是你想知道。

It's that the conversation leads to meeting someone because not knowing leads you to going up to a woman in a shirt so that that was like That's when I realized it was a bit, you know, you had a rant and then you were like, Oh, there's a moment where they'll they'll clap?

這是談話導致滿足的人，因為不知道導致你去了一個女人在襯衫，所以這是像，當我意識到這是一個有點，你知道，你有一個咆哮，然後你就像，哦，有一個時刻，他們會他們會鼓掌？

Because they'll know that it's over because you brought the beginning to the end.

因為他們會知道，這一切都結束了，因為你把開始帶到了結束。

Life is meaningless.

生命是沒有意義的。

And before it used to be like this eso It's super super exciting.

而之前它曾經是這樣的eso這是超級超級刺激。

Blank and Empty says this would be funnier if he wasn't wearing that shirt it is funnier because I'm wearing a terrible shirt.

空和空說，如果他不穿那件襯衫，這將是有趣的它更有趣，因為我穿著一件可怕的襯衫。

Well, we can agree that it's a terrible shirt is yes, I think everyone that lands on the side of it's a terrible shirt.

好吧，我們可以同意，這是一個可怕的襯衫是的，我想每個人的土地上的一側，這是一個可怕的襯衫。

It's now my bedspread.

現在它是我的床罩。

I it's very soft.

我它很軟。

This is from a radical Muslim.

這是一個激進的穆斯林說的。

I like the guy.

我喜歡這個傢伙。

He makes great skits on Comedy Central, and he's a good actor, a good public speaker with a lot of important things to say.

他在《喜劇中心》上的小品很精彩，他是一個好演員，一個好的公眾演說家，有很多重要的事情要講。

But he's not that funny for the most part.

但他大部分時間並不那麼有趣。

Oh, I you know, there's my favorite story.

哦，你知道，這是我最喜歡的故事。

E don't know who the comedian was, but it was it.

我不知道那個喜劇演員是誰，但就是它。

Stand up, New York, I think Melanie told it to me.

站起來，紐約，我想是梅蘭妮告訴我的。

I don't know if he saw it firsthand, but he was killing and there was one guy in the front that wasn't laughing.

我不知道他是否親眼所見，但他在殺人，前面有一個人沒有笑。

And the guy in the middle of a set leaned down to the guy that wasn't laughing.

而那個在套路中的傢伙卻向那個沒有笑的傢伙靠了過去。

And he said, I agree with you, but we're outnumbered.

他說，我同意你的觀點，但我們人多勢眾。

That's sort of how I feel when somebody's like that.

這就是我的感覺，當有人這樣的時候。

Wasn't that funny?

這不是很有趣嗎？

I'm like, I agree with you, but we're outnumbered.

我想，我同意你的觀點，但我們人數太多。

Thankfully, we're outnumbered.

幸好我們人多勢眾。

I think more people like the Gable says, always thought this guy was a bozo, but he's actually quite funny here and I've been an asshole.

我想更多的人是喜歡高博說的，一直覺得這傢伙是個笨蛋，但其實他在這裡很有趣，我一直是個混蛋。

Hashtag I'm sorry, Pete Holmes.

我很抱歉，皮特・霍姆斯。

Oh my God, let's get that trending I That to me is is extra special.

哦，我的上帝，讓我們的趨勢，我 這對我來說是特別的。

There's nothing better than somebody.

沒有什麼比某人更好的了。

I've had that, too, where you're just like maybe you look like somebody you look like my ex boyfriend or or you look like this guy that bullied me.

我也有過這樣的經歷，在那裡你只是喜歡也許你看起來像某人... ...你看起來像我的前男友或... ...或者你看起來像這個傢伙，欺負我。

There's all of this projection going on that way.

有這一切的投射都在那邊進行。

Prejudge people and we don't give them a chance.

先入為主的人，我們不給他們機會。

And I do it every single day to.

而我每天都在做，以。

But when someone can win them over and find some common ground, that's what laughing is.

但當有人能贏得他們的信任，找到一些共同點時，這才是笑的意義。

You know, it's so special to get everybody laughing together.

你知道嗎，能讓大家一起笑是多麼特別。

But if there's somebody that came in that was like this guy and then at the end, there like that was okay.

但是，如果有一個人，進來的是像這個傢伙，然後在最後，有像這是好的。

That's sort of like one of the rarest jewels in the stand up cave, and and that's extra special.

這有點像立洞中最稀少的一顆寶石，而且而且是特別的。

E never thought that this that would lead to all the things that we've done together, and that doesn't include our you know, our dates to industry events where you've been plus one JP always brought me is this plus one.