There are so many thousands of things

有這麼多成千上萬的東西

that I've loved about doing this job

我喜歡做這份工作的原因

over the past 16 seasons.

在過去的16個賽季裡，。

One thing in particular though,

不過有一點特別的是。

I should share with you,

我應該和你分享。

NBC has a giant satellite dish

NBC有一個巨大的衛星天線

atop 30 Rockefeller Plaza.

洛克菲勒廣場30號頂上。

This thing is huge.

這個東西是巨大的。

It gets hundreds of television networks

它得到了上百家電視臺的支持

you've never heard of.

你從來沒有聽說過的。

And what we've done over the years

而我們這些年所做的

is sometimes we've shared some of these odd channels,

是有時候我們已經分享了一些這種奇怪的管道。

that no one ever sees,

沒有人看到的。

with the viewing public.

與觀看公眾。

Well, we thought tonight

嗯，我們認為今晚

we'd show you some of the channels that we've checked out.

我們會給你看一些我們已經檢查過的管道。

Some of our favorites here at Late Night,

我們在 "深夜 "的一些最愛。

over the past many years.

在過去的很多年裡，。

The first one we wanted to show you,

第一個我們想給你看的。

let's bring the monitor down.

讓我們把顯示器下來。

It almost kills me every time.

每次都快把我給嚇死了。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Why it has a knife edge here

為什麼這裡有刀刃

I'll never understand.

我永遠不會明白。

This is a channel,

這是一個管道。

usually we pretend I have a remote control.

通常我們假裝我有一個遙控器。

There's one there but I'm just gonna use my thumb

那裡有一個，但我只想用拇指。

'cause I don't really operate anything here.

因為我在這裡並沒有真正的經營什麼。

This first one's a channel we checked out once,

這第一個是我們曾經查過的一個頻道。

people seem to really like it.

人們似乎真的很喜歡它。

It's called the John Tesh animal planet show.

這就是所謂的約翰-泰什動物星球秀。

And it's now showing when Teshes attack.

而現在顯示的是泰斯攻擊時。

[Narrator] Fierce and powerful,

[旁白]凶猛而強大的。

the Tesh is one of the most dangerous predators

特什族是最危險的掠奪者之一。

in nature.

性質上。

With the Tesh's ability

以特希的能力

to blend in to its surroundings

與周圍環境融為一體

and it's powerful jaws,

以及它強大的下巴。

the laws of natural selection work

物競天擇

at a fevered pitch.

在狂熱的音調。

(ominous music)

(不祥的音樂)

Occasionally Teshes become disoriented

偶爾會有泰舍人迷失方向的時候

and wander into an urban setting.

並徜徉在城市環境中。

(people screaming)

（人們尖叫）

(Teshes shouting)

(Teshes shouting)

Perhaps the Tesh's most lethal killing weapon

也許是特什最致命的殺傷性武器。

is it's music.

是它的音樂。

(piano playing)

(鋼琴演奏)

The Tesh's music releases neurotoxins in the brain,

特什的音樂會在大腦中釋放神經毒素。

which instantly leads to paralysis

瞬間癱瘓

and then death.

然後死亡。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

(audience applauding)

(觀眾鼓掌)

This next channel is called toddlers

下一個頻道叫幼兒

with too much responsibility channel.

與太多的責任管道。

Thank you so much for watching the house for me.

非常感謝你為我看房。

I really appreciate it Marjorie.

我真的很感激它馬喬裡。

What can I tell you?

我能告訴你什麼？

The security code is eight, six, four,

安全密碼是8、6、4。

then just press enter.

然後按回車鍵即可。

You've got the car keys.

你已經拿到了車鑰匙。

And if you need any of the phone numbers,

如果你需要任何一個電話號碼，

they're on the refrigerator.

他們在冰箱上。

Thanks again.

再次感謝。

Have a great weekend.

祝你週末愉快

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

What the hell are you doing?

你到底在做什麼？

He's flat lined.

他是平襯的。

Crack his chest and restart his heart,

敲開他的胸膛，重新啟動他的心臟。

let's go.

我們走吧

(machine ringing)

（機鈴聲）

Here.

給你

Ah, I'm hit!

啊，我中槍了！

I mean, go after him please,

我的意思是，去追他，請。

go get him.

去找他。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Oh god.

哦，上帝。

Go get him!

去抓他！

(audience clapping)

（觀眾鼓掌）

This next channel revives a comedy classic,

這下頻道重現喜劇經典。

it's called the year long spit take channel.

這就是所謂的長年吐槽拿管道。

The year long spit take channel.

長年累月的吐槽拿管道。

So anyway, I took my kids to see

所以無論如何，我帶著孩子們去看

the reptile exhibit at the zoo this past weekend.

上週末在動物園舉辦的爬行動物展。

Turns out the main attraction was my mother-in-law.

原來主要吸引我的是婆婆。

(man spitting loudly)

（男人大聲吐痰）

(man spitting loudly)

（男人大聲吐痰）

(man spitting loudly)

（男人大聲吐痰）

Good one.

好一個。

Thanks.

謝謝你

(audience clapping)

（觀眾鼓掌）

This is one of our favorites,

這是我們的最愛之一。

the sexual harassing skeleton network.

性騷擾骷髏網。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Hmm, what have we here?

嗯，我們這裡有什麼？

Hey, do me a favor muffin,

嘿，幫我一個忙，鬆餅。

file this caboose under S,

把這臺車歸入S。

for sweet.

為甜蜜。

(skeleton laughs)

（骷髏笑）

That's it!

就是這樣！

And then he touched my butt.

然後他摸了摸我的屁股。

How could I touch her but?

我怎麼能碰她呢？

I don't have muscles in my hands.

我的手沒有肌肉。

She says you ogled her.

她說你對她虎視眈眈

Oh, with what?

哦，用什麼？

My empty eye sockets.

我空蕩蕩的眼窩。

Need I point out, Mr. Jeffreys, that I'm a skeleton.

需要我指出嗎，傑弗里斯先生，我是一具骷髏。

Oh my, I didn't know melons were in season.

哦，我的天，我不知道瓜子是季節性的。

Gross.

毛。

Don't mind if I do.

不要介意我這樣做。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Mr Jeffreys!

傑弗里斯先生！

Take it easy and shut up.

放鬆點，閉嘴。

So what do you have to say for yourself now?

那麼你現在有什麼想說的呢？

I don't have genitals.

我沒有生殖器。

Mr. Jeffreys, will you please point out to this gold digger

傑弗里斯先生，請你向這位淘金者指出來。

that I am a skeleton.

我是一具骷髏

And I'll see you in the copy room, sugar lumps.

我們在複印室見，糖塊。

Skeleton.

骨架。

(audience applauding)

(觀眾鼓掌)

Lot of people asked us about this one.

很多人問我們這個問題。

We thought we'd show it again.

我們想再給大家看看。

The men without hats conversation channel.

沒有帽子的男人對話頻道。

You want some toast.

你想要一些吐司。

♪ We'll make toast if you want to ♪

我們將使敬酒，如果你想

♪ We can leave your friends behind ♪

我們可以離開你的朋友背後

♪ 'Cause your friends don't toast ♪

"因為你的朋友不敬酒

♪ And if they don't toast ♪

? 如果他們不烤?

♪ Well they're no friends of mine ♪

好吧，他們不是我的朋友

I want a divorce.

我想離婚。

♪ We'll get divorced if you want to ♪

我們會得到離婚 如果你想

♪ We can get divorced on time ♪

我們可以得到離婚的時間

Dave, could you file this for me, please?

戴夫，你能幫我把這個存檔嗎？

♪ We could file if we want to ♪

我們可以提交，如果我們想

♪ We could file this right on time ♪

我們可以提交這個正確的時間

♪ 'Cause your friends don't file ♪

"因為你的朋友們不提交

♪ And if they don't file ♪

如果他們不提交

♪ Well they're no friends of mine ♪

好吧，他們不是我的朋友

You're fired.

你被解僱了

Would that be all?

就這樣嗎？

May I bring the check for you, sir?

我可以幫你拿支票嗎，先生？

♪ Bring the check if you want to ♪

帶上支票，如果你想

♪ You can bring the check right now ♪

你可以把檢查現在

♪ Because your friends don't check ♪

因為你的朋友不檢查

♪ And if they don't check well they're-- ♪

如果他們不檢查好，他們是 - - ?

(audience applauding)

(觀眾鼓掌)

He had it coming.

他自找的。

(audience applauding)

(觀眾鼓掌)

We have an affinity for animals here at Late Night.

在深夜，我們對動物情有獨鍾。

Check out this next channel,

接下來看看這個頻道。

dog ventriloquist channel.

狗口技師頻道。

(dog barks)

（狗叫聲）

(dog barking)

（狗叫聲）

(dog barking)

（狗叫聲）

(dog barking)

（狗叫聲）

(dog howling)

（狗嚎叫）

(dog barking)

（狗叫聲）

(audience applauding)

(觀眾鼓掌)

(dog howling)

（狗嚎叫）

Had to show this one.

不得不給大家看這個。

Clive Clemens' inappropriate response channel.

克利夫-克萊門斯的不當反應管道。

Yeah, so I spent the weekend in Connecticut

是啊，所以我花了週末在康涅狄格州。

with my grandmother.

與我的祖母。

Ooh, kinky!

哦，古怪！

(man laughs mischievously)

（男人調皮地笑）

What?

什麼？

(rock guitar playing)

(搖滾吉他演奏)

[Narrator] Inappropriate!

[旁白]不合適！

Wow, coffee sure is good today.

哇，今天的咖啡果然不錯。

Thank God for Saddam Hussein.

感謝上帝賜予薩達姆-侯賽因。

(whispering) What?

（耳語）什麼？

(rock guitar playing)

(搖滾吉他演奏)

[Narrator] Inappropriate!

[旁白]不合適！

Dad, I hit my first home run today.

爸爸，我今天打出了我的第一個全壘打。

Check this out.

看看這個。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

(rock guitar playing)

(搖滾吉他演奏)

[Narrator] Inappropriate!

[旁白]不合適！

(audience applauding)

(觀眾鼓掌)

This next segment haunts me

接下來的這段話讓我很糾結

in my dreams.

在我的夢裡。

Potato judge channel.

洋芋法官頻道。

My client is a loving mother of two,

我的客戶是一個有兩個孩子的慈母。

who merely forgot to put money in the meter.

誰只是忘了把錢放進電錶。

And a parking ticket says that she's to be sentenced

違章停車罰單上寫著她將被判刑

to death.

至死。

There has to be a mistake.

一定是搞錯了。

Guilty!

有罪！

(crying) This is insane.

(哭)這太瘋狂了。

It's horrible. No!

太可怕了不！

You'll have to come with me.

你必須和我一起去。

Oh god, I don't wanna die. I'll call you.

哦，上帝，我不想死。我會打電話給你。

Your Honor please.

法官大人，請。

The police picked up my client,

警察接走了我的客戶。

charging her with the murder of J. R. Ewing,

指控她謀殺了J. R. 尤因。

a fictional character, please.

一個虛構的人物，請。

Kill her, she's guilty!

殺了她，她是有罪的！

That's a potato.

這是一個洋芋。

I know.

我知道，我知道

No, it's a potato.

不，這是一個洋芋。

(crying) It's a potato, it's a potato.

（哭）這是一個洋芋，這是一個洋芋。

Your Honor please.

法官大人，請。

My client is a young boy

我的客戶是一個年輕的男孩

who came to the police station

來警察局的人

to report his bike stolen

報警稱自己的自行車被盜

and he has to be sentenced to life at hard labor.

而他必須被判處終身苦役。

(ominous music)

(不祥的音樂)

Guilty!

有罪！

I didn't do anything!

我什麼都沒做！

Come on kid, it's okay. I didn't do anything!

來吧，孩子，這沒關係。我什麼都沒做！

(audience applauding)

(觀眾鼓掌)

And finally,

最後是：

I really wrestled with my conscience on this last one

我真的很糾結，我的良心在最後一個問題上

but I'm going to show it.

但我要展示它。

Ladies and gentlemen, it's called

女士們，先生們，這叫

Lincoln money shot channel.

林肯拍錢頻道。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

(sultry music)

（悶騷的音樂）

♪ Money shot ♪

*錢射 *

(sultry music)

（悶騷的音樂）

(sultry music)

（悶騷的音樂）

(man breathing heavily)

(男人喘著粗氣)

♪ Money shot ♪

*錢射 *

(audience applauding)

(觀眾鼓掌)

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

(audience applauding)

(觀眾鼓掌)

Our head writer, Mike Sweeney.

我們的首席作家Mike Sweeney

Your best work, we'll take a break,

你最好的工作，我們休息一下。

when we come back, our friend Bob Saget, stopping by.

當我們回來的時候，我們的朋友鮑勃-薩吉特，順便來看看。