WELCOME BACK!

歡迎回來!

LET'S SAY HELLO TO OUR FRIEND MR. JON BATISTE.

讓我們向我們的朋友先生問好。JON BATISTE.

HELLO, JON.

你好，喬恩。

>> Jon: YOU GOTTA HAVE A VISION, A VISION, A REVELATION.

>> 你必須有一個願景，一個願景，一個啟示。

>> Stephen: I'M HAVING A VISION, A REVELATION FOR MONDAY.

>> 史蒂芬：我有一個異象，週一的啟示。

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I GET TO DO MONDAY, JON?

你知道我週一要做什麼嗎，喬恩？

>> OH, MY GOODNESS, I HEARD.

>> 哦，我的天哪，我聽到了。

>> Stephen: I'M GOING DOWN TO WASHINGTON, D.C., TO INTERVIEW

>> Stephen:我要去華盛頓，華盛頓特區，採訪

THIS MAN-- MR. BARACK OBAMA-- ABOUT HIS NEW BOOK "A PROMISE

這個人 -- 奧巴馬先生 -- 關於他的新書《一個承諾》。

LAND."

土地。"

I GOT SO MANY DECISIONS O MAKE.

我有很多決定要做。

OBVIOUSLY, WHAT DO YOU ASK HIM?

很明顯，你要問他什麼？

THAT'S A BIGGIE.

這是一個大的。

BUT WHAT DO I WEAR?

但我該穿什麼？

DO I WEAR A SUIT?

我應該穿西裝嗎？

HE'S THE FORMER PRESIDENT.

他是前總統。

DO I WEAR A SUIT?

我應該穿西裝嗎？

EVY SAYS I WEAR A SUIT.

每個人都說我穿西裝。

>> NO TIE.

>> 不打結。

>> Stephen: SUIT, NO TIE MARX SAYS.

>> 斯蒂芬：西裝，不打領帶馬克思說。

WHAT DO YOU SAY.

你說什麼。

>> Jon: I SAY SUIT, NO TIE, UNBUTTON THE TOP BUTTON.

>> 喬恩：我說西裝，不打領帶，解開上面的扣子。

CASUAL BUT FORMAL.

隨意但正式。

>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT NO SHIRT, GO HARRY STYLES.

>> Stephen:不穿襯衫如何，去哈瑞的風格。

>> Jon: THAT WOULD BE A GOOD THING TO DO.

>> 喬恩。這將是一個很好的事情。

>> Stephen: ANYWAY, VERY EXCITED.

>> Stephen: ANYWAY, VERY EXCITED.

WOULD LOVE TO KNOW ANY QUESTIONS YOU WANT ME TO ASK HIM.

我想知道你想讓我問他的任何問題。

PLEASE, HIT ME, UP, OKAY.

請，打我，好嗎。

>> Jon: ASK HIM ABOUT THAT JUMPER FROM THE CORNER?

>> 喬恩，問他角落裡那個跳樓運動員的事？問他那個角落裡的跳樓者是怎麼回事？

YOU SEE HIM SINK THAT 3?

你看到他把那三塊錢沉下去了嗎？

>> Stephen: I WILL, I WILL.

>> 史蒂芬：我會的，我會的。

>> Jon: HOW MANY TAKES.

>> 喬恩：有多少人採取。

>> Stephen: I THINK THAT'S WHY BIDEN WON.

>> Stephen:我想這就是為什麼BIDEN會贏。

I THINK THAT WAS IT.

我想就是這樣

>> Jon: OH, SHOT HEARD AROUND THE WORLD.

>> 喬恩。哦，槍聲傳遍了全世界。

>> Stephen: IT WAS MAGIC.

>> Stephen:它什麼魔力。

DO YOU HAVE ANY MUSIC TO SET THE SCENE FOR REST OF THE SHOW, SIR?

先生，你有什麼音樂來為接下來的演出做鋪墊嗎？

>> Jon: LET'S SEE...

>> 喬恩。讓我們來看看...

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

JON BATISTE,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

女士們，先生們，

THANK YOU, JON.

謝謝你，喬恩。

>> Jon: YES, INDEED.

>> 喬恩。是的，確實如此。

LAY IT ON.

躺在。

>> FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME TRACKING THE

>> 夥計們，你們知道嗎，我花了很多時間來跟蹤這一切。

TEMPERATURE AND FLOWERING PATTERNS OF THE MAPLE TREE OF

楓樹的溫度和花型。

TOPICAL STORIES SO THAT I CAN KNOW THE EXACT PEAK MOMENT TO

主題故事，所以我可以知道準確的高峰期，以。

TAP IT WITH MY SPILE.

用我的飛碟拍打它。

I CAREFULLY OBSERVE THE FLOW OF STORY SAP INTO THE BUCKET AND

我小心翼翼地觀察著故事的流動，SAP進入籃子和

THEN TRANSFER THE INITIAL RUN TO ANOTHER STORAGE UNIT USING

然後將初始運行轉移到另一個存儲單元，使用的是

CHEESECLOTH TO FILTER OUT ANY FOREIGN MATERIAL.

芝士布過濾掉任何外國材料。

I THEN DIG A SMALL OUTDOOR FIRE PIT AND BOIL THE STORIES UNTIL

然後，我挖了一個小的戶外火坑，並煮的故事，直到。

THEY ARE GOLDEN IN COLOR, BRING THEM INSIDE FOR A SECOND BOIL,

它們是金色的，把它們帶進去再煮一次。

WHICH I CAREFULLY MONITOR UNTIL IT REACHES 7 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT

我小心翼翼地監測，直到它達到7度的法倫希特。

PAST THE BOILING POINT OF WATER AT MY CURRENT ELEVATION.

在我現在的高度，已經過了水的沸點。

THEN, THEN I REMOVE ANY SEDIMENT, FILTER IT ONE LAST

然後，然後我去掉所有的沉澱物，最後一次過濾。

TIME, AND TRANSFER IT TO BLOWN GLASS BOTTLES TO CREATE THE

時間，並將其傳輸到吹玻璃瓶中，以創造出的。

GRADE-A MAPLE NEWS SYRUP THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

楓葉新聞糖漿，是我的獨白。

BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE TO JUST HEAD OUTSIDE WITH A FORK

但有時候，有時候我喜歡拿著叉子往外走。

AND SCRAPE SOME OF THE CRUSTED SAP OFF THE NEAREST PINE, MIX IT

然後把附近的松樹上的硬皮刮掉一些，混在一起。

WITH THE SODA AND BACKWASH LEFT IN A DENTED CAN OF FANTA ON THE

與蘇打水和BACKWASH留在一個凹凸不平的FANTA罐上。

COUNTER, THEN DRIZZLE IT ON YESTERDAY'S PANCAKES TO CREATE

櫃檯，然後把它滴在昨天的煎餅上，以創造出。

THE DRIFTER'S BREAKFAST TOPPING OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

DRIFTER's BREAKFATE TOPPING OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

"QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, AN ART

"QUARANTINE-WHILE！"QUARANTINE-WHILE, AN ART(一種藝術)

RESTORATION IN PALENCIA, SPAIN, HAS GONE TERRIBLY AWRY.

西班牙PALENCIA的修復工作已經變得非常糟糕。

SEE THE LADY SMILING AT HER ANIMALS AND HARVEST FRUIT?

看到這位女士對她的動物們微笑，並收穫水果？

WELL, AFTER THE RESTORATION, SHE NOW LOOKS LIKE THIS:

好了，經過修復，她現在看起來像這樣。

WHAT'S SPANISH FOR "FRYING PAN FACE?"

什麼是英文 "FRYING PAN FACE"？

IT'S LIKE SOMEONE SLAPPED A BUTTER SCULPTURE ON A HOT DAY.

就像有人在炎熱的天氣裡拍了一副奶油雕塑。

THIS SEEMS TO BE A REAL PROBLEM IN SPAIN.

這似乎是一個真正的問題在西班牙。

WE ALL REMEMBER THAT COUNTRY'S OTHER FAMOUSLY BOTCHED

我們都記得那個國家的其他著名的錯誤的

RESTORATION JOB: POTATO JESUS.

恢復工作：洋芋耶穌。

WHAT EXACTLY IS THE VETTING PROCESS FOR ART RESTORERS IN

中國藝術修復師的審核程序到底是什麼？

SPAIN?

西班牙？

"SORRY, ESTABAN, I'M AFRAID IT APPEARS YOU HAVE A MASTERS IN

"對不起，艾斯塔班，我恐怕你有一個碩士學位，你有一個碩士學位，你有一個碩士學位，你有一個碩士學位，你有一個碩士學位，你有一個碩士學位，你有一個碩士學位，你有一個碩士學位，你有一個碩士學位，你有一個碩士學位。

FINE ART, BOTH YOUR HANDS AND EYES, AND YOU'VE SEEN THE

精緻的藝術，你的手和眼睛，你已經看到了。

ORIGINAL PIECE.

原件。

THAT KIND OF THING MIGHT FLY IN FRANCE, BUT WE'VE DECIDED TO GO

這種事在法國可能會成功，但我們已經決定去了。

WITH AN INSANE MACAQUE HOLDING A PAINTBRUSH IN ITS TAIL."

與一個瘋狂的獼猴舉行 PAINTBRUSH在我的尾巴。"

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN BAD NEWS NEWS, MULTIPLE PEOPLE HAVE

QUARANTINE--雖然，在壞消息新聞中，很多人都有。

TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID-19 ON A CRUISE SHIP IN THE CARIBBEAN.

在加勒比海的一艘遊輪上對COVID-19檢測呈陽性。

THAT HEADLINE AGAIN: "THING EVERYONE KNEW WOULD HAPPEN,

那頭條："大家都知道會發生的事情。

HAPPENS."

發生。"

( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, VIDEO HAS GONE

（笑） 夸父，視頻已經走了，

VIRAL OF A HELICOPTER CARRYING A HEART FOR A TRANSPLANT PATIENT

一架直升機為移植病人運送心臟的病毒。

THAT CRASHED ON THE ROOF OF AN L.A. HOSPITAL.

墜毀在洛杉磯醫院的屋頂上。

NO ONE WAS SERIOUSLY HURT, AND THE HEART WAS RECOVERED FROM THE

沒有人受到嚴重的傷害，心臟也恢復了正常。

WRECKAGE AND HANDED OFF TO THIS DOCTOR, OKAY, WHO TREATED IT

損傷和交給這個醫生，好吧，誰治療它的。

WITH THE CARE AND CAUTION IT DESERVES-- THERE'S THE HANDOFF.

謹慎小心，它應該... ... 這就是移交。

HE TRIPPED LIKE A CARTOON WAITER, SPILLING THE HEART ON

他像個卡通服務員一樣，把心灑在了地上。

THE HELIPAD.

HELIPAD：

CALM DOWN!

冷靜點！

CALM DOWN!

冷靜點！

EVERYONE'S FINE.

大家都很好。

GOOD NEWS: THE TRANSPLANT WAS A SUCCESS--

好消息：移植成功--------。

>> IT WAS DIRTY.

>> 它是骯髒的。

>> Stephen: BUT IT WOULD BE FUN TO BE THAT PATIENT.

>> Stephen:但是，這將是有趣的病人。

YOU'RE GETTING AHEAD OF MY PUNCH LINE.

你比我的打線早了一步。

( AS DOCTOR ) "YOUR PROCEDURE WENT GREAT,

（作為醫生）"你的程序很好。

THANKS TO YOUR CARDIOLOGIST, LARRY, AND HIS ATTENDINGS, MOE,

感謝你的心內科醫生LARRY和他的主治醫生MOE。

AND CURLY.

和捲曲的。

YOU MAY HAVE SOME DISCOMFORT IN YOUR CHEST, BUT THAT'S JUST THE

您的胸部可能會有一些不適，但這只是其中的原因。

WET LEAVES AND HELICOPTER FUEL."

溼葉和直升機燃料。"

CAN'T ACTUALLY TALK.

不能實際說話。

YOU SAID ESSENTIALLY THE PUNCH LINE.

你說的是必不可少的打線。

MAYBE YOU SHOULD WRITE IT.

也許你應該寫出來。

( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

（笑）謝謝你在這裡。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, WE WERE ALL EXCITED ABOUT THE NEWS OF

夸父--雖然，我們都在興奮地等待著關於 "我 "的新聞。

MODERNA'S NEW VACCINE.

MODERNA的新疫苗。

AND IT TURNS OUT "DOLLY PARTON PARTLY FUNDED MODERNA'S COVID

而事實證明 "多莉-帕頓為現代的科維德提供了資金"。

VACCINE RESEARCH."

VACCINE RESEARCH"。

WHICH EXPLAINS WHY THE VACCINE ( TO TUNE OF "9 TO 5" )

這解釋了為什麼疫苗（"九五之尊 "的調子）。

♪ WORKING 95 PERCENT OF THE TIME.

工作95％的時間。

JOKE IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

笑話是基於一個真實的故事。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE TWITTER WORLD IS A-TWATTING OVER THE

QUARANTINE--雖然，Twitter世界是A-TWATTING OVER THE S.A.A.。

NEWS THAT "TWITTER JUST INTRODUCED 'FLEETS,' 'FLEETING

新聞說，"TWITTER剛剛引入'FLEETS'，'FLEETING'。

TWEETS' THAT DISAPPEAR FOREVER AFTER 24 HOURS," THE PERFECT

24小時後永遠消失的微博"，"完美的

OPTION FOR USERS WHO FEEL REMORSE ABOUT SOMETHING THEY

為對自己所做的事情感到後悔的用戶提供的選擇。

POSTED."

發佈了。"

JUST WHAT TWITTER NEEDS: PEOPLE SAYING THINGS TOO AWFUL TO

微博需要的是：人們說的東西太可怕了。

REMAIN ON TWITTER.

保持在微信上。

NOW, IF YOU'RE NOT ENTHUSED ABOUT THE IDEA OF FLEETS, DON'T

現在，如果你對船隊的概念不感興趣，請不要。

WORRY, BECAUSE TWITTER SAYS ITS MAIN "GLOBAL TOWN SQUARE"

擔心，因為TWITTER說我的主要 "全球城市廣場"

SERVICE REMAINS ITS MARQUEE PRODUCT.

服務仍然是我的旗艦產品。

REALLY?

真的嗎？

I GOT TO SAY, TWITTER MAKES FOR A PRETTY CRAPPY TOWN SQUARE.

我得說，微信讓一個漂亮的城市廣場變得很糟糕。

"HEAR YE!

"聽到了嗎？

HEAR YE!

聽到了嗎？

( BELL RINGING ) TOASTER STRUDELS ARE BETTER THAN

烘烤餅是更好的比

POP TARTS.

POP TARTS.

AND ANYONE WHO DISAGREES IS A LIBERAL CUCK.

任何不同意的人都是自由主義的混蛋。

AND NOW, ENJOY A PICTURE OF MY BUTT."

現在，請欣賞我屁股的照片。"

( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS DAMN LOUD.

（笑）這是非常響亮的。

YOU CAN TALK ANY TIME YOU WANT DURING THIS.

你可以在這個過程中隨時說話。

I APOLOGIZE.

和道歉。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, CBS NEW YORK JUST BROKE THIS STORY RIGHT HERE

QUARANTINE，CBS紐約剛剛打破了這個故事就在這裡。

IN THE BIG APPLE.

在大蘋果。

>> ANOTHER ILLEGAL GATHERING IS BUSTED IN NEW YORK CITY.

>> 紐約市又一非法集會被查獲。

THIS TIME, INVESTIGATORS SAY A SO-CALLED FIGHT CLUB WAS

這個團隊，調查員說一個所謂的拳擊俱樂部是。

OPERATING INSIDE OF A CROWDED BRONX WAREHOUSE.

在人滿為患的布朗克斯倉庫內運作。

>> Stephen: WELL, IT MAKES SENSE THAT THIS GOT OUT.

>> Stephen:好了，它是有道理的，這出了。

IT'S JUST LIKE TYLER DURDEN SAYS:

就像TYLER DURDEN說的那樣。

>> THE FIRST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB IS:

>> 格鬥俱樂部的第一條規則是：

TELL CBS NEWS ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!

告訴CBS新聞關於FIGHT CLUB！

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: BUT THE FIGHTING

（笑） >> 斯蒂芬：但戰鬥

ISN'T EVEN WHAT WILL SHOCK YOU MOST ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING ON AT

甚至不是最讓你震驚的是什麼在什麼地方發生的。

FIGHT CLUB.

拳擊俱樂部。

>> INVESTIGATORS SAY THEY FOUND TWO HANDGUNS, DRUGS, AND

>> 調查員說他們發現了兩把手槍、毒品和。

UNLICENSED ALCOHOL.

未經許可的酒精。

THEY ALSO SAY VERY FEW PEOPLE WERE WEARING MASKS.

他們還說，很少有人戴著面具。

>> Stephen: PLEASE, EVERYONE.

>> Stephen:求你了，每個人。

THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, WEAR A MASK WHILE YOU SMASH YOUR FELLOW

這個節日，戴上口罩，你就可以把你的朋友打碎。

MAN'S FACE INTO A PULPY MUSH.

男人的臉變成了漿糊。

IT'S JUST COURTESY.

這只是禮貌。

ALSO, NO BRINGING NANA TO FIGHT CLUB.

另外，沒有帶娜娜到拳擊俱樂部。

SHE'S IN A VULNERABLE GROUP.

她在一個脆弱的群體中。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, I'D LIKE TO MOVE ON TO MY ULTRA-RARE

QUARANTINE--雖然，我想繼續我的超罕見的。

QUARANTINE-WHILE SUBSEGMENT: "NAUGHTY POPE NEWS."

QUARANTINE -WHILE SUBSEGMENT: "NAUGHTY POPE NEWS."

( LAUGHTER ) TODAY'S NAUGHTY POPE NEWS: IT

(笑) 今天的不雅新聞。它

APPEARS THE POPE JUST LIKED THIS PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM.

看來教皇只是喜歡這張照片在INSTAGRAM。

NOW, PEOPLE HAVE POINTED OUT THAT THE POPE DOES NOT

現在，人們已經指出，教皇並沒有。

NECESSARILY CONTROL HIS OWN INSTAGRAM FEED, BUT FRANCIS

必須控制他自己的INSTAGRAM飼料，但弗朗西斯。

STILL OFFERED THIS COMPELLING EXPLANATION:

仍然提供了這個令人信服的解釋。

>> (translated): MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS,

>> 我的兄弟姐妹們我的兄弟姐妹們，

REGARDING MY RECENT INSTAGRAM INCIDENT, I WANT TO ASSURE YOU

關於我最近的INSTAGRAM事件，我想向你保證... ...

THAT I LIKE BIG BUTTS, AND I CANNOT LIE.

我喜歡大屁股，我不能說謊。

YOU OTHER BROTHERS-- BY WHICH I MEAN MONKS-- CAN'T DENY, WHEN A

你們這些其他的兄弟--我指的是僧侶--不能否認，當一個... ...

GIRL WALKS IN WITH AN ITTY-BITTY WAIST AND A ROUND THING IN YOUR

女孩走了進來，帶著一個ITTY-BITTY腰部和一個圓形的東西在你的。

FACE, YOU MUST EXAMINE YOUR CONSCIENCE.

臉，你必須檢查你的意識。

>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A LOOK AT THE VICE

>> 我們馬上回來，看看副總統的情況。

PRESIDENT-ELECT'S FASHION.

競選主席的時尚：

SORT OF.

某種程度上。