"The Tonight Show,"

"今夜秀"，

coming to you live here.

來你這裡住。

[ Cheering and applause ]

[歡呼和掌聲]

Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, in public, President Trump hasn't given up

好了，夥計們，在公開場合，特朗普總統還沒有放棄。

on the election, but the big story is,

在選舉上，但最大的故事是。

in private, he's been telling people

私下裡，他一直在告訴人們

he wants to start his own

他想自立門戶

right-wing conservative media network to take on Fox News.

右翼保守派媒體網絡對福克斯新聞。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Finally, a chance to hear what Trump has to say.

終於有機會聽聽特朗普怎麼說了。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, Trump wants to take on Fox News.

是的，特朗普想對福克斯新聞下手。

Let me just say, good luck trying to replicate

我只想說，祝你好運，試圖複製。

the electricity that is Neil Cavuto.

尼爾-卡武託的電。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Seriously, you're going to try to beat this Lou Dobbs bit?

說真的，你要去試著打這個Lou Dobbs的位子？

-The caravan, of mostly Central American immigrants,

-主要由中美洲移民組成的大篷車；

is now in the Mexican city

現在在墨西哥城市

of "Hualjeda" tonight. [ Huixtla ]

今晚的 "Hualjeda"。[Huixtla]

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-Good luck. Good luck.

-祝你好運 祝你好運好運。

This is fun -- the Trump network already has the catchy slogan...

這很有趣--特朗普網絡已經有了朗朗上口的口號......

[ As Trump ]

[作為特朗普]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right, Trump will base his new network

沒錯，特朗普將以他的新網絡為基礎。

in the media capital of the world --

在世界媒體之都

the Four Seasons Total Landscaping in Philadelphia.

四季總景觀在費城。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Listen to this -- I heard that Joe Biden

聽聽這個... 我聽說喬-拜登...

is going to stop building Trump's border wall.

是要停止修建特朗普的邊境牆。

Yep, and that, after four years,

是的，而且，在四年後。

Trump only got 12 miles of new wall built.

特朗普只建了12英里的新牆。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Mexico is like, "12 miles?

墨西哥就像，"12英里？

We'll pay for that."

我們會付錢的。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

What's your Venmo?

你的Venmo是什麼？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

When history looks back at presidential accomplishments,

當歷史回顧總統的成就。

everyone will remember the New Deal, Social Security,

大家都會記得新政，社保。

and Trump's 12 miles of border wall.

和特朗普的12英里邊境牆。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

12 miles? I've shopped

12英里？我買過東西

at Costcos bigger than that.

在Costcos比這更大。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Trump's like a dad who promises to build the tree house

特朗普就像一個承諾要建樹屋的爸爸一樣

and, now, there's just a pile of wood in the backyard

而且，現在，只有一堆木頭在後院。

and three rungs of a ladder going up the tree.

和三條梯子的梯子上樹。

It's like, "You're too old for a tree, anyway."

這就像，"你太老了一棵樹，反正。"

I wasn't when you started.

你開始的時候我還沒有

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, president-elect Biden is already getting to work.

是的，當選總統拜登已經開始工作了。

He's starting to select members for his cabinet

他開始為他的內閣挑選成員了

and, last night, he filled

而且，昨晚，他填補了

an important role. Watch this.

一個重要的角色。看這個。

-Overnight, Joe Biden making his first major decision

一夜之間，喬-拜登做出了他的第一個重大決定。

as president-elect, naming his right-hand man,

當選總統，任命他的得力助手。

tapping long-time adviser Ron Klain

挖掘長期顧問羅恩-克萊恩

to be his chief of staff.

擔任他的參謀長。

-And, if everything goes well,

-而且，如果一切順利，

you'll never hear that guy's name again.

你永遠不會聽到那傢伙的名字了。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

When Klain moves into his office,

當克萊恩搬進他的辦公室時。

he'll find a desk, two chairs,

他會找到一張桌子，兩把椅子。

and 50 empty bottles of whiskey.

和50瓶空威士忌。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

When Trump heard Biden

當特朗普聽到拜登

hired a chief of staff, he was like --

聘請了一個參謀長，他就像 --

[ As Trump ] Ah, yes, you always remember your first.

啊，是的，你總是記得你的第一次。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Actually, I don't. What was -- Who was my first?

其實，我不知道。誰是我的第一個？

Was it Reince Prius?

是靈斯-普銳斯嗎？

[ Laughter ] Reese's Pieces?

[笑] 里斯的作品？

[ Laughter ] Reince?

[笑聲]Reince?

Trump was like -- [ As Trump ] Don't worry. If it's not a great fit,

特朗普就像... - 別擔心。如果它不是一個偉大的適合。

you can always hire three more.

你可以多僱三個人

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Trump's had four chiefs of staff.

特朗普有四位幕僚長。

One quit, one was fired,

一個辭職，一個被開除。

one has COVID, and the fourth went out

一個有COVID，第四個出去了。

to get a pack of cigarettes and never came back.

去拿一包煙，就再也沒有回來。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Of course, people are still talking about the election.

當然，人們還在談論選舉。

Trump still refuses to concede,

特朗普仍然不肯讓步。

even though there's been no proof of voter fraud.

即使沒有證據證明選民舞弊，

Meanwhile, Trump's supporters

與此同時，特朗普的支持者

are planning to flood Washington, D.C.

正在計劃淹沒華盛頓特區。

to protest Biden's election.

以抗議拜登的當選。

Also, there's -- -Man, I'm tired of the news.

還有，還有... ...天啊，我已經厭倦了新聞。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-What was that, Tariq?

-那是什麼，塔裡克？

-I said I'm tired of the news, man.

-我說我厭倦了新聞，夥計。

It's always so upsetting.

它總是那麼令人不安。

Can we talk about something not in the news?

我們能不能談點不在新聞裡的事？

-Fine with me. What do you want to talk about?

-我沒問題你想談什麼？

-I don't know.

-我不知道

What's like the most random, harmless thing?

最隨意、最無害的事情是什麼？

How about doorbells?

門鈴呢？

-Sure, love doorbells.

-當然，我喜歡門鈴

They're on doors.

他們在門上。

You push them and --

你推他們，然後...

♪♪

♪♪

I'm sorry, Tariq. We just got breaking news.

對不起，塔裡克。我們剛剛得到的突發新聞。

[ Laughter ] -What is it?

[笑聲] 這是什麼？

[ Laughter ] -What?!

[笑聲] 什麼？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Okay, fine. Let's talk about something else.

好吧，好吧。讓我們來談談別的事情。

How about lettuce?

那生菜呢？

-Sure, sure. I love lettuce.

-當然，當然我喜歡生菜。

Iceberg, chopped, Romaine --

冰山，切碎，羅馬菜 --

♪♪

♪♪

Sorry, Tariq, We have more breaking news.

對不起，塔裡克，我們有更多的重大新聞。

-Please don't read it. -I have to.

-請不要讀它.-我必須讀.

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I have to. It's my job.

我必須這麼做這是我的工作。

I'm a comedy news person.

我是一個喜劇新聞人。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Oh, come on!

-哦，來吧！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

How about dogs?

那狗呢？

♪♪ [ Laughter ]

[笑]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Coffee mugs?

-咖啡杯？

♪♪ [ Laughter ]

[笑]

-Ahh!

-啊！

All the news is so bad,

所有的新聞都是如此糟糕。

you might as well just go back to talking about voter fraud.

你還不如回去談選民欺詐。

-No, no. Come on.

-不，不來吧。

What do you want to talk about?

你想談什麼？

-I don't know.

-我不知道

What's the most random thing ever?

最隨意的事情是什麼？

Um, how about that rare bird from New Zealand,

嗯，那紐西蘭的珍稀鳥類怎麼樣。

the kiwi pukupuku?

獼猴桃pukupuku？

[ Laughter ] -I would love to talk

[笑] 我很想談談

about the kiwi pukupuku, instead of voter fraud.

關於獼猴桃pukupuku，而不是選民欺詐。

♪♪ [ Laughter ]

[笑]

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-I give up, man.

-我放棄了，夥計

I'll just go back to not listening

我還是不聽了吧

to your monologue, as usual.

對你的獨白，像往常一樣。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-What?

-什麼？

-Hmm?

-嗯？

-Tariq Trotter, everyone. Tariq --

-塔裡克・特洛特，各位Tariq --

[ Cheering and applause ]

[歡呼和掌聲]

Tariq Trotter! Tariq Trotter, everyone!

Tariq Trotter!塔裡克・托特,各位!

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Uh, hey listen to this.

呃，嘿，聽這個。

Ticketmaster is working on new plans

淘票票正在制定新計劃

to make concerts safe

使音樂會安全

during the COVID era. Check it out.

在COVID時代。看看吧

-According to Billboard, fans who need to prove

-根據Billboard的數據，需要證明的粉絲。

they've been vaccinated or tested negative

接種過疫苗或檢測結果為陰性

24 hours before an event.

活動前24小時。

Their status would appear on the Ticketmaster app.

他們的狀態會出現在Ticketmaster應用上。

-Come on. Half the fun of going to a concert

-來吧來吧，去音樂會的一半樂趣

is not knowing what you're going to catch.

就是不知道自己會釣到什麼。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It backfires when you see sketchy guys

當你看到粗俗的傢伙時，它就會反過來。

selling negative COVID tests outside the arena.

在競技場外出售陰性的COVID測試。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, so, now, when you're passing around a joint

是的，所以，現在，當你傳來傳去的接頭時

with strangers at a music festival,

與陌生人在音樂節上。

you can finally think,

你終於可以思考了。

"This is safe."

"這裡很安全。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, I heard that, after the election,

是的，我聽說了，在選舉之後。

one industry got a big boost. Take a look at this.

一個行業得到了很大的提升。看看這個。

-Liquor store owners in Washington, D.C. say

-華盛頓特區的酒類店主說：

they saw more champagne sold on Saturday, November 7th,

他們在11月7日星期六看到了更多的香檳酒銷售。

than on the past two

比過去兩屆

New Year's Eve celebrations combined.

除夕夜的慶祝活動相結合。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-You can tell things are going well

-你可以說事情進展順利

because, when they heard, the champagne industry

因為，當他們聽說，香檳業

had nothing to celebrate with.

沒有什麼好慶祝的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I'll let you get there.

我會讓你到那裡。

I'll let you get there, yeah.

我會讓你到那裡，是的。

Yep, the champagne industry has been struggling

是的，香檳行業一直在掙扎著。

during the pandemic, which makes sense,

在大流行期間，這是有道理的。

because no one's ever been like, "I took a shower

因為沒有人曾經像，"我洗了個澡

and put on pants."

並穿上褲子。"

[ Pop ] [ Laughter ]

[流行] [笑聲]

[ Laughter intensifies ]

[笑聲加劇]

That's the sound effect we got for the champagne?

這就是我們為香檳酒找來的音效？

[ Laughter ] [ Pop ]

[笑聲] [流行]

Man. [ Laughter ]

男人：[笑聲]

It's usually more like a -- "Whsss!" you know, like that.

它通常更像一個 - "Whsss！"你知道，這樣的。

It's like -- [ Pop ]

這就像 - [流行]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Sssss! Sssss! -Congratulations.

-Sssss！Sssss！-恭喜你

It's like the most boring champagne.

這就像最無聊的香檳。

Probably like, "Dude, we just won $80 million!"

可能會說："哥們，我們剛贏了八千萬！"

[ Pop ] [ Laughter and applause ]

[流行] [笑聲和掌聲]

-This bottle of champagne is flat!

-這瓶香檳是平的!

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-Wow.

-哇。

Clean, clean pop!

乾淨利落的爆款!

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, this made me laugh.

嗯，這讓我笑了。

A statue in Spain -- Did you see this?

西班牙的一座雕像 -- 你看到了嗎？

-Yes. Yes. -Oh, my gosh.

-是的，是的是的 我的天啊

-Classic. -This is unbelievable.

-經典-這真是令人難以置信

A statue in Spain is getting a lot of attention

西班牙一座雕像備受關注

after a botched restoration.

拙劣的修復後。

Take a look at the statue before.

看看之前的雕像。

This is real.

這是真實的。

Then it got restored. Here it is after.

然後就恢復了。這是後。

[ Laughter ] -Yes! Yes!

是的，是的！

-Oh!

-哦！

-I love to see it.

-我喜歡看

[ Pop ]

[流行]

[ Laughter ] Oh, yeah.

[笑]哦，是的。

Meanwhile, the gargoyle around the corner was like --

同時，角落裡的小龍怪就像 --

[ Smoker's voice ] I'd still hit that.

我還是會打那個。

[ Laughter ] Hey, wait, come on.

[笑] 嘿，等等，來吧。

No.

不知道

It's like the difference between working

這就像工作的區別

for "Restorations"

用於 "恢復"。

and "Restorations Total Landscaping."

和 "修復總景觀"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Can we take another look at the statue

我們能不能再看一下雕像

before it was restored?

在它被修復之前？

And now the new one again?

現在又是新的？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Jeez.

天啊

Well, a lot of people are speaking out about the update,

嗯，很多人都在說更新的事情。

including the statues themselves.

包括雕像本身。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

First, the original statue said...

首先，原像說... ...

The new statue said...

新雕像說...

[ Hello! That hurts my feelings. I'm beautiful! ]

[你好，這傷了我的感情，我很美！]

[ Laughter ] Then, the original statue was like...

[笑] 然後，原來的雕像就像...

Then, the new statue was like...

然後，新的雕像就像... ...

[ No! I like my face! You're just jealous! ]

[不，我喜歡我的臉，你只是嫉妒！]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Then, the Jesus painting from Borja, Spain,

然後，西班牙博爾哈的耶穌畫。

spoke up and said...

大聲說...

[ Yeah! Leave her alone! She's perfect! ]

[是啊，別管她，她是完美的！]

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Then, this old statue of the Fonz showed up and was like,

然後，這個老方士的雕像出現了，就像。

"Errrrr!" [ Laughter ]

"Errrrrr！"[笑聲]

[ I agree! Don't change for anyone! ]

[我同意，不要為任何人改變！]

And, finally, this plaque of Elvis Presley said...

最後，這塊貓王的牌匾說... ...

[ Keep your head up! You're a hunka hunka burning love! ]

抬起頭來，你是一個Hunka hunka燃燒的愛！

[ Cheering and applause ]

[歡呼和掌聲]

They're all very supportive.

他們都很支持我。

And, finally, the holiday season is almost here.

最後，節日快到了。

You guys psyched for the holidays?

你們為假期感到興奮嗎？

[ Cheering and applause ] We're going to make it good.

[歡呼聲和掌聲] 我們要讓它好。

Well, a Christmas tree in Cincinnati's Fountain Square

辛辛那提噴泉廣場的一棵聖誕樹。

has been getting a lot of attention

備受關注

for its unique look. Here it is.

為其獨特的外觀。在這裡，它是。

[ Laughter ] -Oh.

[笑]哦。

-Yeah. When asked about the tree,

-是的當被問及那棵樹時

the statue from Spain said,

來自西班牙的雕像說。

"Ermahgerd! That tree looks perferct!"

"Ermahgerd!那棵樹看起來很不錯！"

♪ Er, Christmas tree ♪

呃，聖誕樹

♪ Er, Christmas tree ♪

呃，聖誕樹

♪ Er there's yer birds ♪

# Er there's yer birds #

♪ Er branches ♪

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