Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.

歡迎來到 "今夜秀"，各位。

We are here from Studio 6A in New York City!

我們是來自紐約市6A工作室的記者!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Thank you so much for watching.

謝謝你的觀看。

Thanks for being here. Let's get to the news and jokes.

謝謝你來這裡。讓我們進入新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, it's been five days since the election was called,

好了，夥計們，它已經五天 因為選舉被宣佈。

and President Trump still has no plans to concede.

而特朗普總統仍然沒有讓步的打算。

Pretty soon, we're going to need

很快，我們就會需要

Vladimir Putin to stage an intervention.

弗拉基米爾-普京進行干預。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Russian accent ] "Look, it actually isn't my birthday.

[俄羅斯口音]"你看，這其實不是我的生日。

We -- We're worried about you."

我們... 我們很擔心你。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Normal voice ] Yeah, we could be working

[正常聲音] 是啊，我們可以工作

on the pandemic or the economy,

對流行病或經濟。

but instead, we had to lure Trump out of the White House

但我們卻要把特朗普引出白宮。

like a cat burrowed under the couch.

就像一隻貓鑽進了沙發底下。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Ss, ss, ss, ss, ss, ss!

Ss, ss, ss, ss, ss, ss, ss!

Trump's pretty much refusing to leave the house.

特朗普幾乎是拒絕出門的。

He's basically turning into the old man from "Up."

他基本上變成了 "上位 "中的老男人。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"I should've put helium in these balloons.

"我應該在這些氣球裡放上氦氣。

Why -- Why did I choose water?"

為什麼--為什麼我選擇了水？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, yesterday, a reporter asked

嗯，昨天，有記者問

President-elect Biden about Trump's refusal to concede

當選總統拜登談特朗普拒不讓步一事

and what it means for the country,

以及它對國家的意義。

and here's what he had to say.

而這裡的他不得不說。

-I just think it's an embarrassment, quite frankly.

-坦白說，我只是覺得這是個尷尬。

-Trump heard that and was like,

-特朗普聽到這話，就像。

"That's what you thought was embarrassing?"

"這就是你認為的尷尬？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"A porn star sued me."

"一個色情明星起訴我。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"What about when I tossed paper towels like free throws

"那我把紙巾當做任意球扔的時候呢？

at the hurricane victims?

在颶風受害者？

This is embarrassing? Okay. Okay."

這很尷尬嗎？好吧，好吧。好吧。"

That's right, Biden called Trump an embarrassment.

沒錯，拜登稱特朗普為尷尬。

Then he left the podium and spent 20 minutes

然後他離開講臺，花了20分鐘時間

trying to find the opening in the curtain.

試圖找到窗簾的開口。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"You gotta be kidding me."

"你一定是在跟我開玩笑。"

But it's been a pretty rough couple of weeks for Trump.

但這幾周對特朗普來說是相當艱難的。

Has there been any good news for him?

他有什麼好消息嗎？

-NBC News has projected President Trump

-NBC新聞預測特朗普總統

as the winner of the state of Alaska.

作為阿拉斯加州的贏家。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-When the news broke, Steve Kornacki was like,

當消息傳出時，史蒂夫-科納基就像：

"You woke me up for this?!"

"你把我叫醒就是為了這個？"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"It's three electoral votes!"

"是三張選舉人票！"

Trump needs like 63 electoral votes, and he got 3.

特朗普需要63張選舉人票，而他得到了3張。

It's like asking your friend for 20 bucks,

這就像問你的朋友要20塊錢一樣。

and they're like, "I have a Canadian loonie."

他們很喜歡， "我有一個加拿大的loonie。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But Trump appreciated the victory.

但特朗普對這場勝利表示讚賞。

Today, he said, "I want to thank Alaska

今天，他說："我要感謝阿拉斯加。

and their leader, Queen Elsa."

以及他們的領袖艾爾莎女王"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, this is interesting. Most Republicans

嗯，這很有趣。大多數共和黨人

haven't congratulated Biden on his win,

還沒有祝賀拜登獲勝。

but they have been talking to his good friend,

但他們一直在和他的好朋友哈拉。

Democratic Senator Chris Coons. Listen to this.

民主黨參議員Chris Coons聽聽這個

-What are they telling you behind the scenes?

-他們在幕後告訴你什麼？

-Um -- [ Chuckles ] -- bluntly, that they accept that --

-嗯 - - [笑] - - 直截了當地說，他們接受了 --

I mean they call me to say, you know, "Congratulations.

我的意思是，他們打電話給我說，你知道，"恭喜你。

Please convey my well wishes to the President-elect,

請轉達我對當選主席的良好祝願。

but I can't say that publicly yet."

但我還不能公開說。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Is this the third grade?

-這是三年級嗎？

It's like, "Can you tell Emily

這就像，"你能不能告訴艾米麗，

that I have a crush on her friend Ruby?"

我對她的朋友魯比有好感？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, assuming Trump does leave office,

同時，假設特朗普真的離任。

the intelligence community is worried that he might reveal

情報部門擔心他可能會洩露出

some of the country's most classified secrets,

一些國家最機密的祕密。

possibly in exchange for favors.

可能是為了換取好處。

It's already not a great sign that the White House

這已經不是什麼好兆頭了，白宮。

Domino's guy is like, "I know some things."

多米諾的傢伙是這樣的，"我知道一些事情。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"I've seen some things."

"我見過一些東西。"

Yeah, America's gone from thinking,

是啊，美國人已經不愛思考了。

"How could he not read intelligence memos?"

"他怎麼可能不看情報備忘錄？"

to, "Thank God he didn't read intelligence memos."

到，"感謝上帝，他沒有讀情報備忘錄。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I wouldn't worry, though. You know the Pentagon

我不會擔心，雖然。你知道五角大樓

probably made stuff up just to see if he was listening.

可能做的東西只是為了看看他是否在聽。

It's like, "Sir, this is highly classified, but at night,

這就像，"先生，這是高度機密，但在晚上。

the Natural History Museum comes alive."

自然歷史博物館活靈活現。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"What?!" "Shh! Just don't tell."

"什麼！？""噓！不要說出去就行。"

Speaking of Trump's life after the presidency,

說到特朗普當上總統後的生活。

here's something that should make him feel a little better.

這裡的東西，應該讓他感覺更好一點。

-President Trump could land a $100 million book deal

-特朗普總統可能會獲得1億美元的圖書合約。

about his time in the White House.

關於他在白宮的時間。

"The New York Post" reports the President has been bombarded

"紐約郵報 "報道說，總統已經被轟炸了

with offers for book and TV deals.

有書和電視交易的優惠。

The White House has not commented.

白宮未予置評。

-$100 million.

-1億美元。

When he heard that, Trump didn't just concede, he quit.

聽到這句話，特朗普不僅沒有認輸，還退出了。

He's like, "I'm out. It's 100 mil."

他說，"我不幹了。這是100米。"

Meanwhile, Melania was like,

同時，梅拉尼婭就像。

"Just when I thought I was out, he pulls me back in."

"就在我以為我出局的時候，他又把我拉了回來。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

$100 million is a lot,

1億美元是個大數目。

'cause you know Trump's just gonna print out

因為你知道特朗普只是要打印出

all his tweets and staple them together.

所有他的微博和訂書機他們在一起。

"Done. Pay me. There you go.

"搞定了。給我錢。給你了。

There's my book." [ Laughter ]

這是我的書。"[笑聲]

In the meantime, I read the Trump administration,

同時，我讀懂了特朗普政府。

though, wants to make the U.S. citizenship test

雖然，想讓美國公民身份考試。

more difficult so it's harder to become a citizen.

更加困難，所以成為公民更難。

They even had President Trump try it out,

他們甚至讓特朗普總統試了一下。

but I think they might have made it a little too tough.

但我覺得他們可能把它做得有點太難了。

I mean, check out his answers.

我是說，看看他的答案。

For example, when asked, "To win an election,

例如，當被問及 "為了贏得選舉。

you need the most blank," Trump wrote down, "Lawyers."

你最需要的是空白。"特朗普寫下："律師"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Next, for the question, "Where was the Constitution signed?"

接下來，對於 "憲法是在哪裡簽署的？"這個問題。

Trump wrote down "Four Seasons Total Landscaping."

特朗普寫下了 "四季總景觀"。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

What?

什麼？

Not a good start.

不是一個好的開始。

Next up, for, "What is the U.S. motto,

接下來，對於，"美國的座右銘是什麼。

which can be found on the dollar bill?"

哪些可以在一元紙幣上找到？"

Trump wrote, "Nobody out-pizzas the Hut."

特朗普寫道："沒有人比Hut的披薩更厲害。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

So close. [ Chuckles ]

好險[笑]

Next up, for, "What did the Declaration of Independence do?"

下一個問題是 "獨立宣言做了什麼？"

Trump put "Separated Harry and Meghan from England."

特朗普把 "把哈里和梅根從英國分開"。

I mean -- [ Laughter ]

我的意思是 - [笑]

Why would he keep taking the test if he's --

如果他... 他為什麼要繼續參加考試？

But, up next, "If the president

但是，接下來，"如果總統

and vice president can no longer serve,

和副總裁不能再擔任。

who becomes president?"

誰當總統？"

Trump put down "Colonel Sanders."

特朗普放下 "桑德斯上校"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Next up, it says, "What does the president's cabinet do?"

接下來說："總統的內閣是幹什麼的？"

Trump said, "Hold the president's snacks."

特朗普說："拿著總統的點心"。

I mean, at this point, he should stop taking the test.

我的意思是，在這一點上，他應該停止參加考試。

Why would they even have him --

為什麼他們會讓他...

But he continued to answer more questions.

但他繼續回答更多的問題。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

For the question, "Who do we thank on Veterans Day?"

對於 "退伍軍人節我們該感謝誰？"這個問題。

Trump somehow wrote, "Doctors who take care of animals."

特朗普不知怎麼寫道："照顧動物的醫生"。

That's not veterans. [ Laughter ]

這不是老兵。[笑聲]

And finally, Trump answered one more question

最後，特朗普又回答了一個問題

before they took away his pen,

在他們奪走他的筆之前。

for, "What is the supreme law of the land?"

因為，"國家的最高法律是什麼？"

He wrote, "Eat, tweet, repeat." There you go.

他寫道："吃飯，發微博，重複。"這就對了

Actually he did better than I expected.

其實他的表現比我想象的要好。

Some business news. I saw that Chipotle is opening

一些商業新聞。我看到Chipotle要開張了

its first-ever digital-only restaurant,

它的第一家數字專屬餐廳。

where customers have to order ahead and pick up their food.

在這裡，顧客必須提前點餐，然後取餐。

I'm just afraid, because of these changes,

我只是害怕，因為這些變化。

eating Chipotle will no longer feel

吃Chipotle不會再覺得

like an authentic Mexican experience.

就像一個正宗的墨西哥體驗。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

When the cashier calls out, "Steak burrito for Greg!"

當收銀員叫道："牛排捲餅給格雷格！"

a lot of customers will be like, "Whoa! How did you know?"

很多顧客會說："哇，你怎麼知道？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Here's some more tech news.

這裡還有一些科技新聞。

Uber is launching a new feature. Check this out.

Uber推出了一項新功能。來看看這個。

-Uber is launching a new service to try to attract

-Uber正在推出一項新的服務，試圖吸引。

more customers during the pandemic.

在大流行期間，更多的客戶。

The new option is called Uber Reserve.

新的選項叫做Uber Reserve。

Customers can now reserve rides up to 30 days in advance,

現在，客戶可以提前30天預約乘車。

and they can pick their favorite driver for the trip.

並且他們可以選擇自己喜歡的司機出行。

-Who has a favorite Uber driver?

-誰有最喜歡的Uber司機？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's like having a favorite subway conductor.

就像有一個喜歡的地鐵售票員一樣。

Now Uber drivers are gonna be the ones thinking,

現在Uber司機要想。

"I hope this guy doesn't murder me."

"我希望這傢伙不要謀殺我。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Also, 30 days? Who's like, "Okay.

還有，30天？誰的喜歡，"好吧。

I'm gonna be drunk in Brooklyn on a street corner

我要在布魯克林的街角喝得爛醉如泥。

30 days from right now"? [ Laughter ]

從現在起30天"？[笑聲]

And, finally, in Spain, a 19-year-old climber

最後，在西班牙，一名19歲的登山者。

made it to the top of a 660-foot crane

在660英尺高的吊車頂上完成的

and then decided to hang out naked.

然後決定裸著身子出去玩。

Here's the photo.

這是照片。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Everyone on the street below was like, "That guy's nuts!"

下面街上的人都說："這傢伙瘋了！"

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

[ Rim shot ]

[Rim shot]

When people told him no one wants to see his testicles,

當人們告訴他沒有人想看他的睪丸時。

he was like, "In Spain,

他說，"在西班牙。

it's actually pronounced 'tethicles.'"

其實它的發音是'tethicles'。"

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]