WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."

歡迎回到 "深夜秀"。

LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE.

讓我們向先生問好。JON BATISTE.

HELLO, JON!

你好，喬恩！

>> Jon: HELLO, HELLO!

>> 你好，你好！

YES, YES, INDEED.

是的，是的，確實如此。

>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE PLANS FOR THE HOLIDAYS?

>> 史蒂芬：假期你有計劃嗎？

ARE YOU GOING BACK TO KENNER?

你要回肯納了嗎？

>> Jon: NO, I'M GOING TO BE IN THE NORTH.

>> 喬恩。不，我要去北方。

I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET BACK HOME, BUT I'M GOING TO TRY TO

我不能回家了，但我要試著回家。

GET DOWN THERE FOR CHRISTMAS ♪ I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS ♪

下去過聖誕節 我將回家過聖誕節

>> Stephen: I KNOW YOUR MOM WOULD MISS YOU IF YOU WEREN'T

>> 我知道如果你不在，你媽媽會想你的。

THERE.

在那裡。

YOUR DAD WOULD, TOO, BUT YOU GOTTA BE THERE FOR MOM.

你爸爸也會的，但你要陪著媽媽。

>> Jon: MOM, YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE.

>> 喬恩。媽媽，是的，是的，就是這個。

>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING YOU CAN PLAY, A LITTLE

>> 史蒂芬：你有什麼東西可以玩嗎？

HOLIDAY MUSIC TO GET US GOING?

節日音樂讓我們去？

IT'S ALREADY IN ALL THE DEPARTMENT STORES.

它已經在所有的百貨商店。

>> Jon: OH, YEAH, YEAH ( "O CHRISTMAS TREE )

>> 喬恩：哦，是啊，是啊 （"O CHRISTMAS TREE"）。

>> Stephen: I CAN HEAR THE NEEDLES FALLING OFF THAT TREE.

>> 我可以聽到樹上掉下來的針頭。

BA-DA-BA-DO!

BA -DA -BA -DO！

E STJON BATISTE EVERYBODY.

E STJON BATISTE每個人。

YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME CARBO-LOADING THE DAY'S BIGGEST

你知道，我花了很多時間的碳水化合物加載的一天最大的。

STORIES, GROIN-STRETCHING WITH THE MOST VITAL HEADLINES, AND

故事，用最重要的頭條新聞串聯腰部，以及。

CAREFULLY APPLYING THE MOST INFORMATIVE, EDUCATIONAL NIPPLE

謹慎地應用最INFORMATIVE、教育性的NIPPLE。

TAPE TO POWER MYSELF THROUGH THE NEWS MARATHON THAT IS MY

錄音帶讓自己在新聞馬拉松的過程中發揮力量，這是我的。

MONOLOGUE.

獨白：

BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, NOT ALL THE TIMES, JUST SOMETIMES.

但有時，有時，不是所有的時間，只是有時。

I LIKE TO DOWN A FIFTH OF BOURBON, RUN AROUND THE HOUSE

我喜歡喝下五分之一的波旁酒，在屋子裡跑來跑去。

'TIL I'M DIZZY, COMMANDEER ONE OF THE

"直到我暈頭轉向，COMMANDEER之一的

NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS' BIKES, AND RIDE IT INTO THE LAKE FOR THE

鄰居家的孩子們的自行車，並騎到湖裡去，為孩子們的健康保駕護航。

RECKLESS MISDEMEANOR TRIATHLON OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

RECKLESS MISDEMEANOR TRIATHLON的新聞，這是我的部門。

"QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN "STORIES

"QUARANTINE-WHILE！"QUARANTINE-WHILE，在 "故事 "中。

YOU CAN ASSUME HAPPENED IN TEXAS," "A DOG IN PLANO SHOT A

你可以假設發生在得克薩斯州"，"一隻狗在普拉諾射殺了一隻狗"。

MAN IN THE LEG."

腿上的男人。"

NOW, HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BAD MAN, AND KNOW THE BEST WAY TO

現在，他可能是一個壞人，並知道最好的方法，以實現。

STOP HIM WAS A GOOD BOY WITH A GUN!

阻止他，他是個拿槍的好孩子！

WHO'S A GET BOY?

誰是GET BOY？

WHO'S GOT A GUN?

誰有槍？

YOU, DO!

你，做！

APPARENTLY, THE MAN HAD "A PISTOL TUCKED INSIDE HIS

顯然，這名男子 "在他的身體裡塞了一把手槍"。

WAISTBAND, AND WHILE PICKING UP HIS DOG, A PAW GOT LODGED IN

腰帶，而當他撿起他的狗，一個爪子陷入了

THE TRIGGER AND FIRED HIS WEAPON, SENDING A BULLET INTO

扳機發射了他的武器，把子彈射入了

AND THROUGH HIS THIGH."

並通過他的大腿。"

SEE, THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS RIGHT

你看，這就是狗和貓的區別吧

THERE.

在那裡。

CATS DON'T MISS.

貓不會錯過。

( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACCORDING TO A

（笑） 夸父，根據一個。

NEW SURVEY, "A SURPRISING PERCENTAGE OF YOUNG AMERICANS

新的調查，"令人吃驚的美國年輕人的百分比

SAY THEY HAVE NEVER SEEN A COW IN PERSON."

說他們從來沒有見過一頭牛的人。"

KIDS THESE DAY, I'LL TELL YOU.

孩子們這些天，我會告訴你。

IN MY DAY, YOU USED PAY PHONES, YOU LOOKED THE NUMBER UP IN A

在我的時代，你使用付費電話，你看數字在一個。

PHONE BOOK, THEN YOU PUT THE PHONE BOOK BACK ON TOP OF THE

電話簿，然後你把電話簿放回上面。

COW-- 'CAUSE THE CITIES WERE LOUSY WITH 'EM.

牛... ... 因為城市裡有很多牛。

WE ALL HAD TO PUT OUT COW TRAPS.

我們都不得不把牛的陷阱。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "AN UNEMPLOYED MAN FOUND A NEW JOB BY POSTING

QUARANTINE-WHILE，"一個失業的男人通過發帖找到了一份新工作。

HIS RESUME ON A TRUCK," AND "THE MAN WAS OFFERED A NEW POSITION

他的履歷在卡車上，"和 "該男子被提供了一個新的職位。

TWO DAYS AFTER HIS C.V. HIT THE ROAD."

"他的車在路上撞了兩天後"

I'M HAPPY FOR THE GUY, AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEW HISTORY

我為他高興，我也等不及要看新的歷史了。

CHANNEL SERIES: "ICE ROAD HUMAN RESOURCES DEPARTMENT."

頻道系列："冰路人力資源部"。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN MAYONNAISE WEDDING NEWS, THE "HELLMAN'S

QUARANTINE-WHILE，在MayonNAISE婚禮新聞中，"HELLMAN'S"（地獄人）。

COMPANY SURPRISED A COUPLE WHOSE LAST NAMES WERE "HELMS" AND

公司驚訝於一對姓 "HELMS "和 "HELMS "的夫婦。

"MAYO" ON THEIR WEDDING DAY WITH MAYONNAISE."

"MAYO "在他們的婚禮上與MAYONNAISE。"

SO BEAUTIFUL.

如此美麗的。

RIGHT UP THERE ON THE LIST OF THINGS PEOPLE HOPE FOR ON THEIR

就在人們希望的事情清單上。

WEDDING DAY: GOOD WEATHER, NO TRAFFIC, AND SURPRISE

婚禮當天：好天氣，無交通，有驚喜。

MAYONNAISE.

MAYONNAISE.

THEY'RE REALLY GRATEFUL, BUT HONESTLY, THEY REGISTERED FOR

他們真的很感激，但老實說，他們註冊的...

MIRACLE WHIP.

神奇的WHIP。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A MILITARY CARRIER PIGEON MESSAGE HAS

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A MILITARY CARRIER PIGEON MESSAGE HAS.

TURNED UP 110 YEARS AFTER IT WAS SENT."

發出後110年才被發現。"

JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU HOW HARD LIFE WAS BEFORE CELL

只是讓你知道，在細胞之前，生活是多麼的艱難。

PHONES.

電話：

"WHERE WERE YOU, MAN?

"你在哪裡，夥計？

I WAS WAITING FOR YOU OUTSIDE THE MOVIE THEATER FOR 110

我在電影院外等了你110天。

YEARS!" "SORRY, MY PIGEON GETS NO

年！""對不起，我的小豬沒有得到。

SERVICE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD."

在這附近的服務。"

IS THAT WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO?

這就是我應該做的嗎？

WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO NOTES TO THE TWO GUYS OR WAS I SUPPOSED

我是該給那兩個傢伙做筆記還是該給他們做筆記？

TO BE LIKE, "HEY, WHAT WERE YOU DOING?"

要像，"嘿，你在做什麼？"

WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?

我應該這樣做嗎？

ARE WE STILL...

我們還在...

THE MISSING MESSAGE TURNED UP IN NORTHEASTERN FRANCE AND "WAS

丟失的消息在法國東北部被發現，並 "被"。

SENT FROM ONE GERMAN MILITARY OFFICER TO ANOTHER IN 1910,"

1910年一個德國軍官給另一個軍官的信"

THOUGH "THE SCRIPT IS DIFFICULT TO DECIPHER."

儘管 "經文很難理解"

EXPERTS WERE JUST ABLE TO MAKE OUT THIS MUCH:

專家們只是能夠做出來這一點。

( GERMAN ACCENT ) "ZIS LETTER IS CURSED.

"ZIS的信被詛咒了

IF YOU DON'T FORWARD ZIS TO SEVEN PEOPLE IN 48 HOURS,

如果你不在48小時內把ZIS轉給7個人，

DEUTSCHLAND VIL FALL UNDER THE RULE OF A PSYCHO PAINTER FROM

德意志村落落在一個精神畫家的統治下，他來自

VIENNA.

維也納：

UND YOU'LL GAIN TEN POUNDS!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACCORDING TO A

你會得到10磅！"QUARANTINE--雖然，根據一個。

NEW STUDY, UNLIKE CATS AND DOGS WHO FORM SPECIAL BONDS WITH

新的研究，不像貓和狗會與人形成特殊的紐帶。

THEIR OWNERS, "HORSES DON'T LOVE SPECIFIC HUMANS."

他們的主人，"馬不愛特定的人類。"

IT'S ALMOST LIKE RIDING ON SOMETHING'S BACK FOR HOURS WHILE

這就像騎在一個東西的背上幾個小時，而。

WHIPPING IT AND POKING IT IN THE SIDE WITH METAL HEEL-SPIKES

擦拭它，並用金屬鞋釘戳它的側面。

ISN'T A BONDING EXPERIENCE.

並不是一種結合的體驗。

ALSO, THERE'S A LOT GOING ON RIGHT NOW.

另外，有很多事情正在進行。

DO WE REALLY NEED TO BE PUTTING EFFORT INTO TESTING WHICH

我們是否真的需要在測試中付出努力？

ANIMALS DON'T LOVE US?

動物不愛我們？

( AS SCIENTIST ) "WELP, NO CURE FOR COVID YET,

（作為科學家）"WELP，沒有治癒的COVID的呢。

BUT WE HAVE DISCOVERED THAT BUNNIES THINK YOU'RE KIND OF A

但我們已經發現，兔子認為你是一個善良的

BITCH."

賤人。"

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HUGH GRANT.

我們馬上就回來和HUGH GRANT一起。

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