I'm from Philly.

- Aw that's great.

Brennan where are you from?

- I'm from New York.

- Ugh, that awful place.

- Helltown for bastard people.

(laughing)

Patrick what about you?

- Oh, I'm from Cincinnati, Ohio.

- I bet that's nice.

- Why do you bet that's nice?

- It's his hometown.

I was just trying to be polite.

- You weren't polite about where I'm from.

You called it a helltown for bastard people.

- Yeah Brennan, you're from New York.

It's okay to be rude when you're talking

about New York.

- I mean it is a rotten tattered asshole

full of wretched horrors.

- I went there once on a four hour field trip

and it wasn't what I liked.

- I went there once and there was a trash on the ground.

- A whole trash?

- A whole trash on the ground.

- Okay, what about the subway?

- [Ally] The subway.

- [Patrick] Don't get me started on the subway.

- Brennan are you listening?

We're making fun of the place where your family lives

and the place that made you who you are

because it has the subway, which we don't like.

- Interesting.

Rekha, how does Philly handle its 24-hour

public transit system?

- Oh, well we don't have 24-hour public trans-

- Oh you don't have that?

Fascinating, you don't have that.

See in New York, we have a public transit system

that transports millions of passengers everyday,

seven days a week,

365 days a year.

Patrick, what about the one horse russ-bucket

piece of shit you crawled out of?

They got covered wagons there yet?

- Hey man, that's my hometown you're talking about.

- Exactly.

I've got a hometown too,

but you know what I have to do?

I have to listen to every gap-toothed yokel

with a ticket for the Circle Line

talk about their disappointing trip to M&Ms world.

Meanwhile, I say word one about whatever strip mall

you hay seeds you tumbled out of and I'm the asshole.

- Hay seeds?

We're all from cit-

- Don't you dare say cities.

I've had more people up the crack of my ass

in a goddamn elevator ride than you bumpkins

have got in your quaint little hamlets put together.

- Hamlet? Cincinnati is not a hamlet.

We have several museums.

- Several museums?

Well, several museums, you don't say?

Buddy, I got museums on my block like you've

got Cracker Barrel's on your interstate.

You read me?

- Yes.

- New York is crowded.

- Yeah, 'cause you looky-loos keep coming.

Stay home and it'll be less crowded.

- New Yorkers never smile.

- Why would we?

You're there.

- Yeah, but everyone's so drunk and angry.

- That's true, but those people aren't New Yorkers,

they're from Long Island.

- Well, then why is everyone always talking shit

about New York?

Nobody ever talks shit about Cincinnati.

- That's actually a great point.

You never hear people talk shit about Mudville either.

- Mudville?

- Precisely.

You wanna know the real reason you guys all talk

shit about New York?

(lullaby music)

You wanna know why?

Because deep down, you wanted to love it,

but you couldn't.

Because you weren't strong enough.

Oh, my apartment's so small.

It's not comfy enough.

There's not little trees on my little block.

Oh, I'm scared because I saw a little rat lay

a little egg inside a little vagrant's open knife-wound.

- Brennan, isn't this kind of proving our point?

- Of course it is.

(suspenseful music)

Of course it's proving your point.

You think I don't know my own hometown?

You think I don't know what it's like?

I have seen crust punks suck each other off

in the open guitar case of a weeping busker.

I have stepped in puddles so deep,

and so cold, that I was barely the same person

by the time I stepped out.

And one time, I accidentally went outside

during SantaCon.

And I loved every second of it.

You don't like New York?

Fine.

Good.

More for me.

It's not for you anyway.

But just because you saw my hometown in your

favorite movie doesn't give you the right

to talk shit about it right to my face.

Be decent.

I don't want to have to come for whatever mid-range

zip code spawned your country mouse ass

after I look up how to roast it in the encyclopedia

of places nobody gives a shit about.

(slurping)

- Okay, well Brennan, if you love New York so much,

why are you in L.A.?

- I mean I had to get out of there.

- I mean, can I just say it?

The grind.