[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

...Studio 6A in New York City.

...紐約市6A工作室。

Thank you, Roots. Let's get to the news and jokes.

謝謝你，"根"。讓我們來看看新聞和笑話吧。

Well, guys, as of this afternoon,

好了，夥計們，從今天下午開始。

some states are still counting their votes,

有些州還在計票。

but the numbers are looking good for Joe Biden.

但喬-拜登的數據看起來不錯。

Yep, it seems like America --

是的，看起來像美國...

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Seems like America is just about ready

看來美國已經準備好了

to socially distance from President Trump.

以在社交上與特朗普總統保持距離。

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Yep, as more votes came in today,

是的，因為今天有更多的票數進來了。

the coronavirus put on its hat and coat

冠狀病毒穿上它的帽子和外套。

and thought, "Well, it's been a good run.

心想："好吧，這一路走來，還算順利。

Good day to you all." [ Laughter ]

你們好。"[笑聲]

That's right, as of now, it's looking like

是的，目前看來

the GOP strategy of "Hope no one notices the global pandemic"

政府黨 "希望沒人注意到全球大流行 "的策略。

didn't turn out so well. [ Laughter ]

沒有轉出這麼好。[笑聲]

At this very moment, Biden is smiling from ear to ear.

此時此刻，拜登正笑得合不攏嘴。

At least I think he is. It's hard to tell

至少我認為他是。很難說

since he's wearing a mask!

因為他戴著面具！

You should wear a --

你應該穿...

You could tell Biden's feeling good, though.

不過你可以看出拜登的感覺不錯。

He spent most of the day

他花了大半天的時間

putting the finishing screw-ups on his acceptance speech.

把他的獲獎感言做了最後的修改。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Later, Biden was seen swigging Ocean Spray

後來，有人看到拜登喝了海洋噴霧劑。

while hanging off the back of an Amtrak train.

而掛在Amtrak列車後面。

♪ Thunder only happens when it's raining ♪

雷霆只發生時，它的下雨

♪♪

♪♪

Was he drinking while singing? I don't know what he --

他是一邊喝酒一邊唱歌嗎？我不知道他...

Well, he's going so fast that there's no liquid --

他的速度太快了，沒有液體... ...

-Right, exactly. -It's a lot of space work,

-對，沒錯-這是個很大的空間工作,

but trust me, it makes sense.

但相信我，這是有道理的。

Here's how confident Biden is feeling.

這就是拜登的自信。

He just called Trump to say,

他只是給特朗普打電話說。

"Hey, that crap about Hunter's laptop?

"喂，那個關於亨特筆記本的廢話？

All true. Bye!"

都是真的。再見！"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

What you gonna do?

你打算怎麼做？

Yeah, the only people happier than Biden's staff is Trump's.

是啊，比拜登的幕僚更開心的只有特朗普的幕僚。

"Oh, my God. It's almost over. Thank goodness.

"哦，我的天啊，快結束了。快結束了。謝天謝地。

Gosh, that was a long four years."

天哪，那是漫長的四年。"

I'm not saying Trump is in trouble,

我不是說特朗普有麻煩了。

but he was just sent straight to voicemail by the MyPillow guy.

但他只是被MyPillow的人直接轉到了語音信箱。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But this is nice -- Trump's inner circle

但這是很好的 -- 特朗普的內部圈子。

is trying to cheer him up.

是想讓他振作起來。

They're like, "Yes, you may be losing the White House,

他們說："是的，你可能會失去白宮。

but on the bright side, you can now focus

但從好的方面看，你現在可以聚焦

on that cool billion you owe."

在那酷億你欠。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, Eric Trump was like, "If Biden is president,

同時，埃裡克-特朗普還說："如果拜登是總統。

does that mean he's my new dad?"

這是否意味著他是我的新爸爸？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, nothing is definite,

是的，沒有什麼是確定的。

but the outcome feels pretty inevitable right now.

但現在的結果感覺很不可避免。

Vladimir Putin is like, "Oh, well.

弗拉基米爾-普京是這樣的，"哦，好吧。

You rig some, you lose some."

你操縱一些，你就會失去一些。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

You rig some, you lose some. Trending on Twitter right now.

你操縱一些，你失去一些。現在微博上的趨勢是：

That's right, things are looking pretty good for Biden,

沒錯，拜登的情況看起來很不錯。

but we're still waiting for a final call,

但我們還在等待最後的電話。

'cause a few swing states are still counting final votes.

因為有幾個搖擺州還在計算最後的票數。

Seriously, this is getting crazy.

說真的，這越來越瘋狂了。

It's like we're living through that dramatic pause

我們就像活在那個戲劇性的停頓中一樣。

before they give out a rose on "The Bachelorette,"

在她們在 "單身女郎 "上送出一朵玫瑰之前，

but for two full days.

但整整兩天。

You're like, "Okay --

你想，"好吧 -

[ Breathing heavily ]

[喘著粗氣]

Okay-y-y-y. [ Drum roll ]

好吧，y-y-y-y。[鼓聲]

[ Drum roll stops ]

[鼓聲停止]

Ah... [ Drum roll ]

啊... [鼓聲]

Will you accept -- Eh..."

你能不能接受--呃......"

At this point, Americans are like, "Let's go.

這時，美國人就會說："我們走吧。

We've got no things to do, and no people to see."

我們沒有事情可做，也沒有人可看。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I heard Zog's laugh at it. That's --

我聽到了佐格對它的笑聲。那是...

[ Laughter ] But this is interesting.

[笑]但這是有趣的。

I heard that each ballot is processed by two volunteers,

聽說每張選票都由兩名志願者處理。

one Democrat and one Republican.

一個民主黨人和一個共和黨人。

And if they fall in love,

如果他們相愛了。

they star in a Hallmark movie called "Count on Love."

他們出演了一部名為 "愛的計數 "的Hallmark電影。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Imagine being a ballot counter, though.

想象一下，雖然是個點票員。

You're stuck inside a room full of people

你被困在一個滿是人的房間裡。

during a global pandemic, paper cuts all over your hands,

在全球大流行期間，紙張會劃傷你的手。

and the rest of the country is like,

和全國其他地區一樣。

"What the hell is taking so long?!

"到底怎麼這麼久？

I don't hear any counting in there, Gretchen."

我沒聽到裡面有什麼數數，格雷琴。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Gretchen.

-格雷琴

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It would be a Gretchen. -It feels like it, right?

應該是Gretchen.-感覺是這樣的，對吧？

You can tell Trump's starting to panic about the results,

你可以看出特朗普對結果開始恐慌了。

'cause this morning, he tweeted, "STOP THE COUNT!"

因為今天早上，他在推特上說，"停止計數！"

In response, The Count from "Sesame Street" tweeted,

對此，"芝麻街 "裡的伯爵在微博上表示。

"You've lost ONE, TWO, THREE swing states!

"你已經失去了一個、兩個、三個搖擺州!

AH AH AH"

AH AH AH"

♪♪

♪♪

Then a little later in the day,

然後在今天晚一點。

Trump also tweeted, "STOP THE FRAUD!"

特朗普還在推特上寫道："STOP THE FRAUD！"

Yeah, "STOP THE COUNT!" then "STOP THE FRAUD!"

是啊，"停止計數！"然後 "停止欺詐！"

Soon he's going to tell us to stop, collaborate, and listen.

很快，他就會告訴我們停下來，合作，傾聽。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

♪♪

♪♪

What -- I was trying to do his dance move,

什麼... ... 我是想做他的舞蹈動作。

but does he have a --

但他是否有一個 -

Oh, yeah, it was. It was a lot of --

哦，是的，它是。這是一個很大的 -

-A lot of --

-很多...

-A lot of, like, chain flying?

-很多，比如，鏈子飛？

♪♪

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-It's not skipping rope.

-這不是跳繩

-I'm skipping rope, but still, it's --

-我在跳繩，但還是... ...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Wait, do it again. Do it again. Do it again.

-等等，再來一次再來一次再來一次

♪♪

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-I'm double dutching. I'm double dutching.

-我是雙份的我是雙份的

I don't know what I'm doing. Sorry, Vanilla.

我不知道我在做什麼。對不起，香草。

Sorry.

對不起，我不知道

But he's not just tweeting.

但他不只是在發微博。

Trump's campaign started taking legal action yesterday.

特朗普的競選團隊昨天開始採取法律行動。

Check it out.

看看吧

-Legal challenges are already under way.

-法律挑戰已經開始。

The Trump campaign has filed lawsuits in Pennsylvania,

特朗普競選團隊已在賓夕法尼亞州提起訴訟。

Michigan, and Georgia, and the campaign is pursuing

密歇根州和佐治亞州，而競選活動正在追求。

a recount of the vote in Wisconsin.

在威斯康星州重新計票。

-You know you're in trouble when your master plan

-你知道當你的總計劃有問題時，你就有麻煩了

starts with, "Get me Rudy Giuliani on the phone."

開始時說 "給我接魯迪-朱利安尼的電話"

[ Laughter ] Yeah, as we speak,

[笑]是啊，因為我們說話。

Trump is assembling a dream team of lawyers

特朗普正在組建一支夢寐以求的律師團隊。

who all claim they were tucking in their shirts.

誰都聲稱他們在掖著襯衫。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Of course --

當然...

Of course he's suing. I get the feeling

當然，他要起訴。我有種感覺

when Trump didn't get the Christmas gift he wanted

當特朗普沒有得到他想要的聖誕禮物時。

as a kid, he was like, "Better lawyer up, Nana.

作為一個孩子，他是這樣的，"更好的律師了，娜娜。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Better lawyer up, Nana."

還是請律師吧，娜娜。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Trending on Twitter. That's a good one.

推特上的趨勢。這是一個很好的。

"Better lawyer up, Nana."

"還是請律師吧，娜娜。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, I read that Trump is upset

同時，我讀到特朗普很不高興

that Fox News called Arizona for Biden on election night.

福克斯新聞在大選當晚為拜登致電亞利桑那州。

And yesterday, Trump's supporters came to his defense.

而昨天，特朗普的支持者也來為他辯護。

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-[ Chanting ] Fox News sucks! -[ Chanting ] Fox News sucks!

-[誦經] 福克斯新聞很爛！-[誦經] 福克斯新聞很爛！

-And they're actually chanting "Fox News sucks.

-他們居然在高呼 "福克斯新聞很爛"。

Fox News sucks."

福克斯新聞很爛。"

-Yeah. [ Laughter ]

-是的。是啊。 [笑]

Trump's supporters were like,

特朗普的支持者就像。

"We only trust one real news outlet -- Facebook memes."

"我們只相信一家真正的新聞機構--Facebook備忘錄。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

You can tell everyone is on edge.

你可以看出大家都很緊張。

Sean Hannity just had an unscaleable wall built

肖恩-漢尼迪剛建了一堵不可逾越的牆。

around his studio.

在他的工作室周圍。

♪♪

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

♪♪

♪♪

It's "DeShay"?

是 "DeShay"？

DeShay revolves it? -Yep.

DeShay把它轉過來？-是的

-It's DeShay, right?

-是DeShay，對吧？

Yeah.

是啊。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That was a really loud "Yep" from Mark.

馬克的 "Yep "聲真的很響亮。

-How'd he -- Yeah, how'd he know that?

-他怎麼... 是啊，他怎麼知道的？

-The rest of The Roots just looked at me.

-剩下的 "根 "的人只是看著我。

Mark goes, "Yep. That's right, it's DeShay."

馬克說："對，沒錯，是德西"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Wow.

哇哦

"Check out the hook while DeShay revolves it."

"看看鉤子，而德帥旋轉它。"

-Oh, my God.

-哦，我的天

-Yo, I never -- I thought he said "deejay."

-我從來沒有... 我以為他說的是 "DJ"。

-Nah.

-不 不

-I thought it was, "Check out the hook while my deejay re--"

-我還以為是 "看看我的DJ在唱什麼..."

But, yeah. -No, you'd think that.

但是，是的-不，你會這麼想

-Yeah, one would think. -One would.

-是的，人們會這麼想-是的，有人會這麼想

-Yeah. -And one wouldn't, you know?

-是的，我不知道，你知道嗎？

-Yep, yep.

-是的，是的。

You rig some, you lose some.

你鑽井，你失去了一些。

[ Laughter, applause ]

[笑聲，掌聲]

-That's right.

-沒錯

"Better lawyer up, Nana."

"還是請律師吧，娜娜。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Oh, and here's something you don't hear every day.

哦，這裡有一些東西你不是每天都能聽到的。

A man was banned from Yellowstone National Park

一名男子被禁止進入黃石國家公園。

for trying to fry chickens in the hot spring.

因為想在溫泉裡炸雞。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

You see, these are the stories we can focus on

你看，這些都是我們可以關注的故事。

during a Biden presidency.

在拜登任總統期間。

Not Trump. [ Cheers and applause ]

不是特朗普。[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Fried chickens in the hot --

炒雞在熱 -

I'm too lazy to microwave a Lean Cuisine.

我懶得用微波爐加熱瘦菜。

This guy goes to Wyoming to cook a 12-piece.

這傢伙去懷俄明州做了12件。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Here's a big business story --

這是一個大的商業故事 --

The owner of Arby's and Buffalo Wild Wings

Arby's和Buffalo Wild Wings的老闆。

is buying Dunkin' Donuts and Baskin-Robbins.

正在收購Dunkin' Donuts和Baskin-Robbins。

Wow, they now have a monopoly on clogged arteries.

哇，他們現在壟斷了堵塞的動脈。

Here's the plan -- Dunkin' for breakfast, Arby's for lunch,

計劃是這樣的... 早餐吃Dunkin', 午餐吃Arby's,

Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner, Baskin-Robbins for dessert,

晚餐吃水牛城野雞翅，甜點吃巴斯金羅賓斯。

then you drop your kids back off at their mother's house.

然後你把你的孩子送回他們的母親家。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"I'm dating again, Susan."

"我又開始約會了，蘇珊。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And finally, a car in Wisconsin was just pulled over

最後，威斯康星州的一輛車剛剛被攔下。

for a pretty interesting reason. Watch this.

有一個很有趣的原因。看這個。

-The state trooper had pulled over a driver

-州警攔下了一名司機

who thought it was a good idea

誰說的

to strap a snowmobile to the top of his car.

把雪地車綁在他的車頂上。

The 23-year-old driver explained that it, "looked sketchy,"

23歲的司機解釋說，"看起來很簡陋"。

but said that he strapped it down

卻說他把它綁了起來

and he shook it to make sure it was secure.

他搖了搖它，以確保它是安全的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-In his defense, that's how

-在他的辯護中，那是如何

every New Yorker installs an air conditioner. Yeah.

每個紐約客都會安裝空調對啊