I'm Stephen Colbert.

我是Stephen Colbert

I take slight exception to the way we announced share tonight.

我對今晚公佈份額的方式略有異議。

John Oliver share.

約翰-奧利弗分享。

No, it's John Oliver share Did share.

不，是約翰-奧利弗的股份，確實如此。

Do something to our announcer share share.

做某事我們的當播音員分享分享。

Alright, chair share.

好吧，椅子分享。

I'm so excited about share.

我很興奮的分享。

John Oliver is nice, folks.

約翰-奧利弗是不錯的，夥計們。

We are 23 ish minutes away from November 3rd the day we've all been hope dreading while laugh screaming at our dooms growing.

我們距離11月3日還有23分鐘的時間，這一天我們都在希望害怕，同時笑著尖叫著我們的厄運在增長。

Tomorrow night we will be live on Showtime at 11 PM for our Election Night Special.

明晚11點，我們將在Showtime直播我們的選舉之夜特別節目。

If you don't have Showtime, just sign up for the free trial.

如果你沒有Showtime，只需註冊免費試用。

It's free.

這是免費的。

And who doesn't love a trial?

誰不喜歡審判呢？

I like to throw a free one for Trump next year at The Hague.

我喜歡明年在海牙給特朗普免費扔一個。

Serve.

上菜。

Just think of the ratings.

想想收視率就知道了。

A lot of Americans air nervous right now, and I get that this is the most high stakes election of my lifetime, and I include when Ruben Studdard beat Clay Aiken.

很多美國人現在都很緊張，我知道這是我一生中最高風險的選舉，我包括魯本-斯圖達德擊敗克萊-艾肯的時候。

There were riots stores had to be boarded up with, you know, would over their windows and everything.

有暴動的商店不得不用木板封起來， 你知道，會在他們的窗戶和一切。

That's a board of things right with wood.

這是一板一眼的東西正確的與木頭。

Circuit City Blockbuster never recovered, but personally, I'm oddly calm.

電路城大片從未恢復，但本人奇異的平靜。

I'm approaching tomorrow with the language placidity of the blue whale.

我以藍鯨的語言平和的態度對待明天。

My heart beats, but eight times a minute I'm the most relaxed I've been for months because it 11 38 the night before the election.

我的心臟跳動，但每分鐘8次，我是幾個月來最放鬆的，因為它11 38選舉前夜。

What you gonna do?

你打算怎麼做？

I think we can officially say we have given Donald Trump a chance.

我想我們可以正式說，我們已經給了唐納德-特朗普一個機會。

Jared, you have 22 minutes to achieve Middle East peace.

賈裡德，你有22分鐘來實現中東和平。

Get them to agree that Hamas is delicious and just build from there.

讓他們同意哈馬斯是美味的，並從那裡建立。

You see, I think everyone has made up their mind back in 2017.

你看，我想大家早在2017年就已經下定決心了。

In fact, have you seen Trump's approval numbers?

其實，你看過特朗普的支持率嗎？

That's flatter than the Black Rock Desert?

這比黑石沙漠還平坦？

You could set a land speed record on 44%.

你可以用44%的速度刷新陸地速度記錄。

So to quote Jim Lovell from Apollo 13 Isaac Newton is in the driver's seat.

所以引用阿波羅13號的吉姆-洛弗爾的話說，艾薩克-牛頓在駕駛座上。

Now we're in the grip off the gravitational forces of democracy, which air pulling us toward the results.

現在，我們正處於民主的引力的控制下，它的空氣將我們拉向結果。

It's like our country is a deep space object falling toward a black hole.

我們的國家就像一個深空物體向黑洞墜落。

Either we're gonna get sucked over the event horizon into a well of corruption that not even votes can escape from or will use this gravity well toe sling shot and pick up speed and go off in an entirely new direction.

要麼我們會被吸在事件的地平線上，陷入連選票都無法逃脫的腐敗之井，要麼就會利用這個重力井腳尖的彈弓，加快速度，朝著一個全新的方向走去。

Maybe that planet where Baby Yoda lives.

也許是尤達寶寶生活的那個星球。

He's cute.

他很可愛

This is a test of the strength of American voters, but also of the institutions we have built.

這是對美國選民力量的考驗，也是對我們所建立的機構的考驗。

This president has exposed a lot of weaknesses in our government, but it just needs to hold together for one last run.

這位總統已經暴露了我們政府的很多弱點，但它只需要堅持最後一次運行。

Our democracy is like the Millennium Falcon.

我們的民主就像 "千年隼"。

She ain't pretty.

她不漂亮

But remember when she passed the Voting Rights Act in 12 parsecs?

但還記得她在12秒內通過投票權法案的時候嗎？

Who could forget the immortal words of Lyndon Johnson when he signed it?

誰能忘記林登-約翰遜簽字時的不朽名言？

Biden continues to lead the national polls by 8 to 10 points, depending on who you ask, but it's closer in the swing states fat.

拜登繼續在全國民調中領先8到10個百分點，這取決於你問誰，但在搖擺州肥更接近。

In fact, last night's FiveThirtyEight Nate Silver bluntly stated, I'm here to remind you that Trump can still win.

其實，昨晚的《FiveThirtyEight》內特-西爾弗直言，我在這裡提醒你，特朗普仍然可以獲勝。

Thanks for the reminder, Nate.

謝謝你的提醒，內特。

It's something that hadn't occurred to me while I stared unblinking of the ceiling for the past four years.

這是我在過去四年裡目不轉睛地盯著天花板時沒有想到的。

But if Trump does end up losing, I'm sure he will be gracious when he pretends that he won because, according to Axios, Trump plans to declare premature victory.

但如果特朗普最終真的輸了，我相信他假裝自己贏了的時候一定會很親切，因為據Axios報道，特朗普計劃提前宣佈勝利。

Premature is no surprise.

早熟並不奇怪。

Like he always says to his ladies, I was first I win sex.

就像他經常對他的女人說的那樣，我是第一個，我贏了性。

Now Trump has issued a non denial denial about premature victory declarations.

現在，特朗普已經對過早宣佈勝利發表了不否認的聲明。

But he said he doesn't want any of the mail in ballots, which appear to be leaning heavily Democratic, to be counted after November 3rd.

但他說，他不希望在11月3日之後統計任何郵寄的選票，這些選票似乎在很大程度上傾向於民主黨。

So he's just redefining, premature as any time he's not winning.

所以他只是重新定義，過早的定義為任何時候他都不會贏。

I think it's a terrible thing when ballots could be collected after an election.

我認為，如果選舉後可以收集選票，那是一件很可怕的事情。

I think it's a terrible thing when people are states are allowed to tabulate ballots for a long period of time after the election is over.

我認為，當人們在選舉結束後，各州被允許長期製表選票時，這是一件可怕的事情。

What he doesn't understand is that democracy is not done until all the votes are counted.

他不明白的是，在所有的選票統計出來之前，民主是沒有完成的。

You definitely don't want Trump cooking the Thanksgiving turkey.

你絕對不希望特朗普做感恩節的火雞。

It's turkey sashimi.

是火雞刺身。

Keep chewing.

繼續咀嚼。

The gobbling means it's fresh.

咕咚咕咚的意思是說很新鮮。

And for all of his vague denials, he has admitted he's going to try to shut down the count.

而對於他的含糊其辭的否認，他已經承認他要嘗試關閉計數。

We're going to go in tonight of as soon as that elections over.

我們將在今晚的選舉結束後儘快進入。

We're going in with our lawyers.

我們要和律師一起進去

The people have spoken and they better lawyer up because my attorney is going to sue them for libel.

人們已經說了，他們最好請律師，因為我的律師要告他們誹謗。

At a rally in Pennsylvania, Trump painted a dark picture of an America that counted all the votes November 3rd is going to come and go and we're not going to know.

在賓夕法尼亞州的一次集會上，特朗普描繪了一幅美國的黑暗畫面，11月3日算上所有的選票，就要來了，我們也不知道。

And you're gonna have bedlam in our country, and you're gonna have this period of nine days or seven days or whatever it is and many bad things, Really.

我們國家會有混亂，你會有這9天或7天的時間，或者不管它是什麼，還有很多不好的事情，真的。

You've been president for four years.

你已經當了四年的總統了。

We've spent the last eight months without human contact and holding our breath so we won't murder Nana.

我們在過去的八個月裡沒有與人接觸，屏住呼吸，所以我們不會謀殺娜娜。

I think we can handle many bad things for seven and nine days.

我想七天九天很多不好的事情我們都可以處理。

Plus is the New York Times and every other publication in existence?

另外就是《紐約時報》和其他所有的刊物都存在嗎？

Points out, we have never had final results on Election Day.

指出，我們從未在選舉日有過最終結果。

There's a reason Inauguration Day used to be.

以前的就職典禮日是有原因的。

In March, the votes used to be loaded on ox carts and hey, wanes and driven to the county seat so they could be tabulated on the birch bark and then hold on canal boats to the capital.

三月裡，選票曾經被裝在牛車上，嘿嘿，娃子們被趕到縣城，這樣就可以在樺樹皮上製表，然後扶著運河船去京城。

The day of things, just a made up television network event.

事情的一天，只是一個編造的電視網絡事件。

There's absolutely no precedent for a president to actually, I win.

絕對沒有先例，一個總統居然，我贏了。

E one unexpected swing state this year is Texas.

今年有一個出乎意料的搖擺州是德州。

Some Texans aren't into the swinging lifestyle because on Friday a bus carrying Biden Harris staffers were surrounded by a group of armed Trump supporters and pickup trucks who tried to run them off the road.

一些德州人並不喜歡搖擺的生活方式，因為上週五，一輛載有拜登-哈里斯工作人員的巴士被一群武裝的特朗普支持者和皮卡包圍，他們試圖將他們趕出道路。

Well, it took two years, but Texas is finally being menaced by Trump's terrorist caravan.

好吧，花了兩年時間，但德克薩斯終於被特朗普的恐怖分子大篷車威脅到了。

That is chilling.

真是讓人不寒而慄。

And I believe we have a wider shot of it, don't we, Jim?

我相信我們有一個更廣闊的鏡頭，不是嗎，吉姆？

Oh, black way.

哦，黑道。

This kind of highway hooliganism has no place in a free country.

這種高速公路上的流氓行為在自由國家是沒有地位的。

So obviously Trump was super into it.

所以很明顯特朗普是超級喜歡的。

Did you see the cars today?

你今天看到那些車了嗎？

The from all over the place?

來自各地的?

They had the thing with these.

他們有這些東西。

Really?

真的嗎？

I'd say very good people.

我想說是非常好的人。

They were riding along the highway and you had sleepy jobs Bus.

他們在公路上騎著車，你有睏倦的工作巴士。

So they escorted the bus and the radical left.

於是他們護送大巴車和激進的左派。

I don't want a horrible thing that is, to escort the bus.

我不希望一個可怕的事情，是，護送公車。

Clearly false.

顯然是假的。

But I'm guessing not the first time Trump has lied about an escort.

但我估計特朗普不是第一次在護衛隊的問題上撒謊了。

Now all of this is happening in the face of the surging pandemic.

現在這一切都發生在洶湧澎湃的疫情面前。

The United States just passed 230,000 deaths and set a new record for single day infections.

美國剛剛突破23萬死亡人數，並創造了單日感染的新紀錄。

100,000.

100,000.

And the large campaign rallies held by patient zero in chief are not helping.

而零號病人總管舉行的大型競選集會也無濟於事。

In fact, a group of Stanford University economists estimate that There have been a least 30,000 coronavirus infections and 700 deaths as a result of 18 campaign rallies.

事實上，斯坦福大學的一組經濟學家估計，由於18次競選集會，至少有3萬例冠狀病毒感染和700人死亡。

President Trump held Trump doesn't have a campaign.

特朗普總統舉行特朗普沒有競選。

He's got the touring company of Typhoid Mary Poppins.

他有傷寒瑪麗-波平斯的旅遊公司。

And hey, if you need a cooling balm to apply to your stress induced mild to severe plaque psoriasis, take a moment right now and let me prescribe you this video off former President Barack Obama E O.

嘿，如果你需要一個冷卻的香膏適用於你的壓力引起的輕度到嚴重的斑塊狀銀屑病，現在花點時間，讓我給你開這個視頻關閉前總統奧巴馬E O。

That's what I do.

這就是我的工作。

Oh my God, He got hotter.

哦，我的上帝，他變得更熱。

Our country's ex boyfriend got hotter.

我國的前男友更火了。

Is he doing peloton?

他是在做佩洛頓嗎？

Look at that.

你看那個。

But put that in tennis shorts.

但把它放在網球短褲裡。

Why did we ever stop dating this guy?

為什麼我們不再和這個傢伙約會？

He's swishing three pointers in church shoes while our new boyfriend needs two hands to drink water.

他穿著教會鞋揮舞著三分球，而我們的新男友需要兩隻手喝水。

Take a breath.

深吸一口氣。

It's fine.

沒事的

I'm sure there are plenty of videos of our new boyfriend playing basketball.

我相信有很多我們新男友打籃球的視頻。

Okay, we gotta dump this loser, but just one bit of advice.

好吧，我們得甩掉這個失敗者，但只有一點建議。

Barack Obama.

巴拉克-奧巴馬

You know I love you, but your Biden's wingman Now you follow him out of rooms, okay?

你知道我愛你，但你的拜登的僚機 現在你跟著他出房間，好嗎？

He's the one America's supposed to want to go home with when the bar closes.

當酒吧關門時，他是美國人應該想回家的人。

Quit draining threes.

別再放水了

Just stand back and cheer when Joe gets yacht Sea.

喬得到遊艇海的時候，就站在後面歡呼吧。

Now, with the election coming up tomorrow, all the nervous anticipation might make it hard to sleep tonight.

現在，明天就要選舉了，所有緊張的期待可能會讓今晚難以入睡。

It might feel like Christmas Eve.

可能感覺就像平安夜一樣。

If last Christmas Santa took a dump down your chimney, I'm sure a lot of you wish you could just relax and skip ahead to when all the votes were counted.

如果去年聖誕節聖誕老人從你的煙囪里拉了一泡屎，我相信你們很多人都希望自己能放鬆一下，然後跳到所有選票被計算的時候。

Well, thankfully, the Late Show has a new sponsor who can help anxious about the election overwhelmed by worry?

好吧，值得慶幸的是，《晚間秀》有了一個新的贊助商，他可以幫助對大選憂心忡忡不知所措的人?

Wish you could know the results sooner than ask your doctor about.

希望你能早點知道結果，而不是問醫生。

Drink it in the only prescription strength formula to mix rye and corn mash, then aged them in oak barrels.

用唯一的處方強度配方將黑麥和玉米泥混合，然後在橡木桶中進行陳釀，飲用。

To create a rich balanced finish, Drink it in targets.

營造出濃郁平衡的後味，喝在目標。

Election stress by reducing tension, lowering inhibitions and eliminating all awareness of the Electoral College.

通過減少緊張，降低抑制，消除對選舉團的一切認識，從而減輕選舉壓力。

And if you can't rest until every vote is counted, drink it ins.

如果你不能休息，直到每張票都被計算出來，就把它喝進去。

Time release formula will release you from time by entering your body into a non medically induced coma.

時間釋放配方會讓你的身體進入非藥物誘導的昏迷狀態，從而釋放你的時間。

Side effects may include headache, liver, a loss of vision, loss of car keys, loss of friends, drowsy mouth, sudden heart repeating yourself, meal pattern blandness, Late onset karaoke.

副作用可能包括頭痛、肝、視力下降、丟失車鑰匙、失去朋友、口渴、突然心臟重複自己、飯型平淡、遲發性卡拉OK。

Repeating yourself.

重複自己。

Restless genital syndrome and upset spouse Do not consume.

不安的生殖器綜合症和配偶不高興不要消耗。

Drink it in if you are pregnant thinking of becoming pregnant or checking instagram to see if your ex is pregnant.

如果你正在考慮懷孕，或者在instagram上查看你的前任是否懷孕，就喝下去吧。

Election strength.

選舉實力。

Drink it in.

喝進去。

Drink your election blues away.

喝掉你的選舉憂鬱。

Or maybe the election reds.

也可能是選舉紅人。

Oh, God, Who's gonna win this thing?

哦，天啊，誰會贏呢？

We've got a great show for you tonight.

我們今晚為你準備了一場精彩的演出。

Later, I'll be talking to share, But when we come back, John Oliver's here.

稍後我會和大家分享，但我們回來時，約翰-奧利弗在這裡。

Stick around.

呆在這裡。

Yeah, Come.

是啊，來吧。