Of course you've seen him on Conan.

你當然在柯南上見過他。

Please welcome all the way from India, Vir Das.

請歡迎來自印度的維爾-達斯一路走來。

Vir, thank you so much for being here.

維爾，非常感謝你能來這裡。

Hey man, it was no effort at all.

嘿，夥計，這一點都不費力。

I walked six feet from the bedroom over to this chair

我從臥室走了六英尺到這把椅子上

and I'm happy to be here. (laughing)

我很高興能在這裡。（笑）

It's the easiest I've done.

這是我做過的最簡單的。

Put your hat on. Yep.

把你的帽子戴上好的

No work went into this,

沒有工夫去做這個。

this is great. None at all.

這是偉大的。完全沒有。

I am not wearing underwear.

我沒有穿內衣。

I haven't had a haircut in six months

我已經半年沒理髮了。

and this is a, yeah, it's pretty easy.

這是一個，是的，這是很容易的。

Are you growing the hair out?

你的頭髮長出來了嗎？

I've been growing out.

我已經長出來了。

I'm in that awkward, like I just have like a,

我在那個尷尬的，就像我只是有像。

it's like emo things, right now.

這就像emo的東西，現在。

Yeah.

是啊。

I'd say I'm in the, I think, yeah,

我想我是在，我想，是的。

I think I hate my parents, but I don't know,

我想我恨我的父母，但我不知道。

like I'm in that phase right now, so yeah.

像我在這個階段 現在，所以是的。

Yeah.

是啊。

We know we still desperately depend on them,

我們知道，我們還在拼命地依賴他們。

but we hate them.

但我們討厭他們。

I listen to five indie bands

我聽五個獨立樂隊的歌

and you don't know any of them.

而你卻不認識他們中的任何一個人。

That's the haircut, basically.

基本上就是這個髮型。

It'd be like their first stuff.

這就像他們的第一件事。

Whenever the first thing was we haven't heard it

每當第一件事是我們還沒有聽說過

cause our parents won't let us.

因為我們的父母不會讓我們。

But you, you saying, did you go through an emo phase?

但你，你說，你是不是經歷了一個情緒化的階段？

Outside of the big emo phase that the world is going

在這個世界正在經歷的大情緒階段之外。

through right now? No.

通過現在？不知道

Yeah.

是啊。

Outside of this 6 billion people, existential crisis

在這60億人之外，生存危機。

that we live in right now.

我們現在的生活。

No, it's been all right.

不，它一直都很好。

Like I was telling someone,

就像我告訴別人。

I think comedians,

我覺得喜劇演員。

especially like those of us who spend

特別是像我們這些花

a lot of time on the road,

大量的時間在路上。

we're pretty well trained for a lockdown.

我們很好地訓練了一個鎖定。

Aren't we?

我們不是嗎？

Like we just.

就像我們剛剛。

Yeah

是的，是的

you know, we're in our hotel all day.

你知道，我們在我們的酒店整天。

We come out for an hour

我們出來一個小時

and even then we don't like the people we meet

即使如此，我們也不喜歡我們遇到的人。

and then we leave for 10 minutes and go back home.

然後我們離開10分鐘就回家了。

Isn't that life right now for everyone?

這不就是大家現在的生活嗎？

That's it.

就這樣吧

You're on for 10 minutes,

你在10分鐘內。

you're locked up in the hotel.

你被鎖在酒店裡。

It has been weird though.

雖然一直很奇怪。

Not having shows at night for me,

晚上沒有演出對我來說。

because I usually get away with like wasting

因為我通常擺脫像浪費

the entirety of the morning.

整個上午的時間。

It's like the work is at night

就像在晚上工作一樣

and then 8:00 PM rolls around, you're like,

然後晚上8點左右，你就像，

Oh, I didn't do anything.

哦，我什麼都沒做。

Yeah.

是啊。

And then you have to kind of deal with family and be like,

然後，你必須種處理 與家庭和喜歡。

Oh, these people have dreams as well

哦，這些人也有夢想

and lives that I have missed out on this entire time.

和生活，我一直錯過了這段時間。

But that's been fun.

但這很有趣。

Other people?

其他的人？

other people.

其他的人。

Yeah.

是啊。

Are you going crazy a little bit not being able to travel?

你是不是有點瘋瘋癲癲的不能旅行了？

Yeah.

是啊。

This is the longest I've been in one place in 15 years,

這是我15年來在一個地方呆的時間最長的一次。

like a decade or 15 years.

像十年或十五年。

So I've gotten to know my wife again.

所以我又認識了我的妻子。

That's been interesting, like it's.

這很有趣，就像它的。

Right.

好吧，我知道了

Did you learn her middle name yet?

你知道她的中間名了嗎？

No, but we've unlocked like new levels of fighting.

沒有，但我們已經解鎖了像新的戰鬥水準。

Which is nice.

這是很好的。

I feel like normally we'd fight

我覺得平時我們會吵架

and I'd have to like go on the road

我必須像去的道路上。

or we'd fight and I'd have to go do a thing.

否則我們就會打架，我就得去做一件事。

Now we fight this time then plot revenge and shit man.

現在，我們打這一次，然後策劃復仇和狗屎的人。

So it's like,

所以這就像。

(laughing)

（笑）

Right.

好吧，我知道了

I'm so glad you brought this up

我很高興你提出這個問題

because this has been happening to me.

因為這一直髮生在我身上。

I'm locked out with my girlfriend

我和我女朋友被鎖在外面

and I'll notice that I'm fighting

我會注意到，我正在戰鬥

just because I have the time to fight.

只是因為我有時間去戰鬥。

Like before I would just give up,

像以前我就會放棄。

like I gotta go on the road.

就像我得走在路上。

You win.

你贏了

She's gonna win anyway.

反正她會贏

So it's just like, end it.

所以它只是喜歡，結束它。

But now honestly, the other night I was like,

但現在說實話，有一天晚上我很喜歡。

Oh yeah, you would say that, you're exactly like your mom.

哦，是的，你會這麼說，你和你媽媽一模一樣。

(laughing)

（笑）

I don't know that to be true at all.

我根本不知道這是真的。

I'm just trying to pass a Thursday.

我只是想度過一個星期四。

I think also you go through like five reactions

我想你也會經歷五種反應。

to what they say,

對他們說的話。

and then you kinda go, Oh, COVID.

然後你有點去，哦，COVID。

And then it's done,

然後就完成了。

where we're all seeing stuff that we just like,

我們都看到的東西，我們只是喜歡。

we were fighting the other day

前幾天我們還在吵架

and she was like, you know what?

她很喜歡，你知道嗎？

Burn in hell.

下地獄去吧

Which is like, that's a powerful thing to say.

這就像，這是一個強大的事情說。

when you're fighting about like Parmesan cheese

當你像帕爾馬乾酪一樣打架的時候。

or something like that

諸如此類

and I was just like, this is jeez,

我只是想，這是天哪。

hell okay, COVID.

地獄還好，COVID。

That's what this is.

就是這樣的。

And then you kind of let that go.

然後你就會放下這一切。

But you could just use that as a cop out for everything.

但你可以把這句話當做一切的藉口。

Just like listen.

就像聽。

Yeah.

是啊。

I cheated on you.

我對你不忠

But you know, COVID.

但你知道，COVID。

Man, I'm going to milk this thing

夥計，我要去擠奶了

for at least three more years.

至少再過三年。

Like as long as, I don't care, if I'm freshly vaccinated,

就像只要，我不在乎，如果我剛打過疫苗。

I'm still milking this thing.

我還在擠這個東西。

Yeah.

是啊。

Are you doing the, like are you doing the elbow

你做的，喜歡你做的肘部，

when you meet people or are you doing like distant wave?

當你見到別人的時候，你是在做像遠方的波？

Yeah.

是啊。

Yeah.

是啊。

So a couple of things I'm doing like the, the elbow bumps,

所以我在做的幾件事，比如，肘部的撞擊。

some people are going for handshakes and I'm like no.

有些人要去 握手，我想沒有。

Yeah.

是啊。

One guy the other day he was doing,

有一天，一個人他在做。

I was do this like virtual show

我是做這個像虛擬秀

and then he was the guy checking in

然後他就是那個報到的人

and they'd tell me when to go.

他們會告訴我什麼時候去。

Listen.

名單：

He would pull the mask off.

他會把面具拉下來。

You'd be like,

你會像。

so we're just gonna have you guys come in and out

所以，我們只是要去有 你們進來和出來。

and then, what was that?

然後，那是什麼？

Like, he could hear out of his mouth.

就像，他能從嘴裡聽到。

What are you doing?

你在做什麼？

What's the protocol, bumps?

有什麼協議，疙瘩？

I mean, we've had the namaste for years, right?

我的意思是，我們已經有了很多年的Namaste，對不對？

And now there's like American people

現在有像美國人

and British people doing the namaste and I'm like, no,

和英國人做Namaste和我一樣，沒有。

you don't get to do it.

你沒有得到這樣做。

I'm sorry.

我很抱歉

This is, I know there's a pandemic,

這是，我知道有一個流行病。

but I, no this is cultural appropriation.

但我，不這是文化挪用。

Absolutely not.

絕對不是。

We're not doing yoga.

我們不是在做瑜伽。

White people have wanted to do this forever.

白人一直想這樣做。

For so long.

這麼久以來。

Like, without signing up for yoga,

就像，沒有報名參加瑜伽。

you don't get to do it, no.

你沒有得到這樣做，沒有。

Right.

好吧，我知道了

Bowing, can you just bow,-No hands but just bow?

鞠躬，你能不能只鞠躬，--不動手，只鞠躬？

You can bow.

你可以鞠躬。

I don't know, I feel like that's too much respect

我不知道，我覺得那是太尊重人了

to show someone.

給人看。

Yeah.

是啊。

Like, who's the last person you met

比如，你最後遇到的人是誰？

and you were like, you know what,

你很喜歡，你知道嗎，

they deserve a bow?

他們值得一鞠躬？

I can't think of.

我想不起來了

(laughing)

（笑）

Like, this person is awesome.

喜歡，這個人是真棒。

People at the gas station.

加油站的人。

Yeah, maybe.

是啊，也許吧。

I haven't found anyone bow worthy

我還沒發現有誰能配得上弓

in a very long time.

在很長一段時間內。

Yeah.

是啊。

When the lockdown happened,

當封鎖發生時。

so in India we have,

所以在印度我們有：

household help is a bigger thing in India.

在印度，家政服務是一件比較大的事情。

Right?

對吧？

So everybody has like staff that kind of lives with them

所以每個人都有喜歡的工作人員 那種生活與他們

in the house.

在房子裡。

I mean we learned that from you guys,

我的意思是，我們從你們那裡學到的。

but you kind of forgot about it

但你卻忘記了

on the way that we just kind of kept it going.

在路上，我們只是一種保持它去。

Yeah.

是啊。

But you pay your staff.

但你給你的員工發工資。

In America, we are in a lot of trouble not paying

在美國，我們有很多的麻煩，不支付

the people that worked in the house.

在家裡工作的人。

So then, when the lockdown happened,

所以後來，當封鎖發生時。

every Indian person was like, look at me,

每個印度人都喜歡，看我。

I'm cleaning my own kitchen

我在打掃自己的廚房

and I'm doing my own dishes

我自己洗碗

and I'm sweeping my own floor.

而我在掃我自己的地。

And I'm like, it took a global pandemic

我想，它花了一個全球性的大流行，

to make you behave like every European

讓你像所有歐洲人一樣

and every American in the world right now.

和每一個美國人現在在世界上。

There's nothing special about you doing dishes.

你洗碗沒什麼特別的。

Quit posting that shit on Instagram right now.

別再在Instagram上發那些狗屁資訊了。

I'm suspicious of people with clean apartments.

我很懷疑有乾淨公寓的人。

I think getting apartments should get shut down.

我認為得到公寓應該被關閉。

You see someone cleaning they're prepping for a party.

你看到有人在打掃衛生，他們在為聚會做準備。

Yeah, I think so.

是的，我想是的。

Just gonna get people out.

只是要把人救出來。

Is that not allowed over there?

那邊不允許這樣嗎？

Are you not allowed to have like gatherings,

你是不是不允許有喜歡的聚會。

like people over, is that.

喜歡的人過，是。

Not allowed, but it's also America.

不允許，但這也是美國。

So, anything that's the rule people are like,

所以，任何事情，都是人們喜歡的規則。

well, it's my right.

嗯，這是我的權利。

So, there's a lot of States here

所以，這裡有很多國家。

that have not locked down at all.

根本沒有鎖定的。

Like, at all?

喜歡，在所有？

For the last six months?

在過去的六個月裡？

Like they've "locked down",

好像他們已經 "鎖定 "了。

but they've really never locked down.

但他們真的從來沒有鎖定下來。

Like Florida never did a lockdown.

就像佛羅里達州從來沒有做過封鎖。

Wow.

哇哦

Also Florida doesn't do a lot of stuff that America does.

另外佛羅里達州也沒有做很多美國人做的事情。

It's really its own.

它真的是自己的。

(laughs)

（笑）

I wonder if India has a Florida equivalent,

我想知道印度是否有佛羅里達州的對應機構。

is there a state or a region that people are just like,

是否有一個國家或地區的人就像。

this is everything we're fairest about?

這就是我們最公平的一切？

The appendix in your body, isn't it Florida?

你身體裡的闌尾，是不是佛羅里達州？

It's just never worked for anything.

只是從來沒有什麼用處。

And you haven't been able to.

而你還沒有能夠。

We don't need it.

我們不需要它。

Yeah.

是啊。

We don't even know about it until it becomes a major pain.

我們甚至不知道它，直到它成為一個重大的痛苦。

It could destroy the rest.

它可以摧毀其餘的。

No. I think this is controversial,

不，我認為這是有爭議的。

but we feel about,

但我們覺得關於。

I feel like India and Pakistan feel about each other,

我覺得就像印度和巴基斯坦對彼此的感覺。

how you feel about Florida.

你對佛羅里達的感覺如何？

Maybe that's the way that this goes.

也許這就是這條路。

Yeah. Okay.

是啊。好吧，我知道了

Like,

喜歡。

Yes.

是的，我知道

The fact that you said that, yeah.

事實上，你說，是的。

Certain regions can be the Florida.

某些地區可以是佛羅里達州。

Like Florida is your Pakistan.

就像佛羅里達州是你的巴基斯坦。

Florida is America's Pakistan.

佛羅里達州是美國的巴基斯坦。

That should be the flag.

這應該是旗幟。

That should be the tagline.

這應該是標語。

Welcome to Florida America's Pakistan.

歡迎來到佛羅里達美國的巴基斯坦。

(laughing)

（笑）

I'm sure Florida would love the comparison.

我相信佛羅里達州會喜歡這種比較。

Yeah, it is.

是的，它是。

We have this like idea of like everyone in Indian accent,

我們有這種喜歡的想法，喜歡大家的印度口音。

at least in media here,

至少在這裡的媒體。

that everyone is Indian accent is a genius.

每個人都是印度口音是一個天才。

Yeah.

是啊。

So, anyone that's in a heist movie,

所以，凡是演過搶劫片的人。

which was cool when you were in that show,

這是酷 當你在那個節目中。

a whiskey cavalier spike crime show you're in these like

一個威士忌騎兵穗犯罪節目 你在這些喜歡

three piece suits, you get to actually kick ass.

三件套，你可以真正踢屁股。

You're not the guy in the van,

你不是貨車裡的那個人。

which usually you get typecast as that, because America

通常你會被打成那樣，因為美國的原因

is just here that you're like, this guy is genius.

只是在這裡，你喜歡， 這傢伙是天才。

Yeah.

是啊。

Or he's in the Simpsons.

或者他在《辛普森一家》裡。