So I'd like to start, if I may, by asking you some questions.

讓我先從問各位幾個問題開始。

If you've ever lost someone you truly love,

你是否曾失去深愛的人、

ever had your heart broken,

曾經心碎、

ever struggled through an acrimonious divorce,

曾因撕破臉的離婚過程而心力交瘁，

or been the victim of infidelity,

或曾是伴侶外遇的受害者，

please stand up.

請起立。

If standing up isn't accessible to you, you can put your hand up.

如果你不方便站，可以舉手。

Please, stay standing,

請繼續站著，

and keep your hand up there.

把手舉著。

If you've ever lived through a natural disaster,

如果你經歷過天災，

been bullied or been made redundant,

或是曾被霸凌、裁員，

stand on up.

請起立。

If you've ever had a miscarriage,

如果你曾流產、

if you've ever had an abortion

墮胎，

or struggled through infertility,

或因為不孕受苦，

please stand up.

請起立。

Finally, if you, or anyone you love,

最後，如果你或是你愛的人，

has had to cope with mental illness, dementia,

曾需面對心理疾病、失智、

some form of physical impairment,

某種肢體障礙，

or cope with suicide,

或自殺，

please stand up.

請起立。

Look around you.

請大家看看四周。

Adversity doesn't discriminate.

逆境不挑人。

If you are alive,

如果你活著，

you are going to have to, or you've already had to,

未來你必然，或是你早就已經

deal with some tough times.

面對一些艱難時刻。

Thank you, everyone, take a seat.

謝謝大家，請坐。

I started studying resilience research a decade ago,

我從十年前開始研究韌性，

at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia.

當時我在費城的賓夕法尼亞大學。

It was an amazing time to be there,

在那裡做研究很棒，

because the professors who trained me

因為訓練我的教授

had just picked up the contract to train all 1.1 million American soldiers

才剛簽了一份合約， 要訓練 110 萬名美軍，

to be as mentally fit as they always have been physically fit.

讓他們的心智 就跟他們的身體一樣健康。

As you can imagine,

各位可以想像，

you don't get a much more skeptical discerning audience

說到多疑又有好眼力的聽眾，

than the American drill sergeants returning from Afganistan.

沒有人比得過從阿富汗 返美的教育班長。

So for someone like me,

所以對像我這樣的人，

whose main quest in life is trying to work out

這輩子首要之務是

how we take the best of scientific findings out of academia

把科學中發現的精華帶出學術界，

and bring them to people in their everyday lives,

然後帶進大家的日常生活中，

it was a pretty inspiring place to be.

因此那裡會是非常鼓舞人心的地方。

I finished my studies in America,

我在美國做完研究，

and I returned home here to Christchurch

就回到在基督城這裡的家，

to start my doctoral research.

開始我的博士研究。

I'd just begun that study

我剛開始研究沒多久，

when the Christchurch earthquakes hit.

基督城地震就發生了。

So I put my research on hold,

所以我先把研究放在一邊，

and I started working with my home community

開始在我的社區服務，

to help them through that terrible post-quake period.

幫助他們度過那個可怕的震後期。

I worked with all sorts of organizations

我和各種不同的組織合作，

from government departments to building companies,

從官方部門到建築公司，

and all sorts of community groups,

還有各式各樣的社區組織，

teaching them the ways of thinking and acting

教他們能夠增強韌性的 思考和行動方式，

that we know boost resilience.

我以為那是我的天命。

I thought that was my calling.

把我研究毫不保留 拿出來用的好時機。

My moment to put all of that research to good use.

很遺憾的是我錯了。

But sadly, I was wrong.

我自己的考驗是在 2014 年，

For my own true test came in 2014

那個週末是英女皇壽辰假期。

on Queen's Birthday weekend.

我們和另外兩個家庭決定

We and two other families had decided

要去奧豪湖，然後馳騁於 Alps 2 Ocean 自行車道。

to go down to Lake Ohau and bike the outs to ocean.

要出發前的最後一刻，

At the last minute,

我可愛的 12 歲女兒艾比 決定跳上另一臺車，

my beautiful 12-year-old daughter Abi

那臺車上有她最要好的朋友 艾拉，她也 12 歲，

decided to hop in the car with her best friend, Ella, also 12,

還有艾拉的媽媽莎莉， 是我非常要好的朋友。

and Ella's mom, Sally, a dear, dear friend of mine.

他們開在湯普森線道上，

On the way down, as they traveled through Rakaia

穿越拉凱阿鎮的時候，

on Thompsons Track,

有輛車在該暫停的路口加速通過，

a car sped through a stop sign,

撞上他們那臺車，

crashing into them

他們三人當場死亡。

and killing all three of them instantly.

一轉眼間，

In the blink of an eye,

我發現我的世界天翻地覆，

I find myself flung to the other side of the equation,

一覺醒來已經是完全不同的人。

waking up with a whole new identity.

我從研究韌性的專家

Instead of being the resilience expert,

突然間變成了悲傷的母親。

suddenly, I'm the grieving mother.

醒來不知道自己是誰，

Waking up not knowing who I am,

試著理解這難以置信的消息，

trying to wrap my head around unthinkable news,

我的世界支離破碎。

my world smashed to smithereens.

突然間，我是坐在專家對面 聽所有建言的那個人。

Suddenly, I'm the one on the end of all this expert advice.

我可以跟各位說，

And I can tell you,

他們講的我一點也不喜歡。

I didn't like what I heard one little bit.

艾比死後那段日子裡，

In the days after Abi died,

我們聽說，我們是 家庭分居的頭號人選。

we were told we were now prime candidates for family estrangement.

我們有可能會離婚，

That we were likely to get divorced

患有精神疾病的風險很高。

and we were at high risk of mental illness.

「哇！」我記得當時心想，

"Wow," I remember thinking,

「多謝提供資訊，我以為 我的人生已經夠悲慘了。」

"Thanks for that, I though my life was already pretty shit."

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

傳單上列出悲傷的五個階段：

Leaflets described the five stages of grief:

生氣、討價還價、 拒絕、憂鬱、接受。

anger, bargaining, denial, depression, acceptance.

支援受害者的人到我家門前，

Victim support arrived at our door

告訴我們可以預期 未來五年都用來悲傷。

and told us that we could expect to write off the next five years to grief.

我知道那些傳單和資源都立意良善。

I know the leaflets and the resources meant well.

但所有那些建議

But in all of that advice,

都讓我覺得自己是個受害者。

they left us feeling like victims.

完全無法招架未來的人生旅程，

Totally overwhelmed by the journey ahead,

無力對我們的悲傷發揮任何影響力。

and powerless to exert any influence over our grieving whatsoever.

不必跟我說，情況有多糟。

I didn't need to be told how bad things were.

相信我，我已經知道有多悲慘了。

Believe me, I already knew things were truly terrible.

我最需要的是希望。

What I needed most was hope.

我需要一段能夠度過這一切悲傷、

I needed a journey through all that anguish,

痛苦和渴望的旅程。

pain and longing.

最重要的是，

Most of all,

我想成為自己悲傷歷程中的 積極參與者。

I wanted to be an active participant in my grief process.

所以我決定不管他們的建議，

So I decided to turn my back on their advice

然後自己進行一個自我實驗。

and decided instead to conduct something of a self-experiment.

我做過研究，我有工具，

I'd done the research, I had the tools,

我想知道這些東西 對現在的我有多少幫助，

I wanted to know how useful they would be to me now

在我要攀越這座巨山之際。

in the face of such an enormous mountain to climb.

現在，我得要坦承，

Now, I have to confess at this point,

我其實之前不知道 這些東西有沒有用。

I didn't really know that any of this was going to work.

喪子之痛是公認

Parental bereavement is widely acknowledged

最難以承受的痛。

as the hardest of losses to bear.

但我可以跟各位說，過了五年，

But I can tell you now, five years on,

我早就從研究裡知道的幾點。

what I already knew from the research.

像是你可以從逆境中站起來、

That you can rise up from adversity,

有些方法很有效、

that there are strategies that work,

完全有可能

that it is utterly possible

讓自己用某種方式思考和行動，

to make yourself think and act in certain ways

幫助自己度過難關。

that help you navigate tough times.

有一大堆研究在講要怎麼做。

There is a monumental body of research on how to do this stuff.

今天，我只想和各位分享三個策略。

Today, I'm just going to share with you three strategies.

這些是我必備的三個策略，

These are my go-to strategies that I relied upon

在最黑暗的時刻拯救了我。

and saved me in my darkest days.

我的所有研究由這三個策略構成，

They're three strategies that underpin all of my work,

很易讀，也很容易上手，

and they're pretty readily available to us all,

每個人都可以學，

anyone can learn them,

各位今天就可以在這裡學。

you can learn them right here today.

第一，

So number one,

有韌性的人了解，人生難免有鳥事。

resilient people get that shit happens.

他們知道受苦是人生中的一部分。

They know that suffering is part of life.

這不代表他們真的歡迎苦難降臨，

This doesn't mean they actually welcome it in,

他們也不是在幻想。

they're not actually delusional.

只是在碰到難關的時候，

Just that when the tough times come,

他們似乎知道

they seem to know

苦難是每個生命存有的一部分。

that suffering is part of every human existence.

知道這點會讓你碰到難關 不會覺得自己受到差別待遇。

And knowing this stops you from feeling discriminated against

我不只一次心想：

when the tough times come.

「為什麼是我？」

Never once did I find myself thinking,

其實我記得自己想：

"Why me?"

「為什麼不是我？

In fact, I remember thinking,

壞事發生在你身上，

"Why not me?

就像每個人都會碰到壞事一樣。

Terrible things happen to you,

現在這是你的人生，

just like they do everybody else.

成敗只能靠自己。」

That's your life now,

真正悲哀的是

time to sink or swim."

我們似乎大都忘了這點。

The real tragedy

我們似乎活在一個時代，

is that not enough of us seem to know this any longer.

人人都被賦予完美人生，

We seem to live in an age

社群網站上閃耀、 快樂的照片是常態，

where we're entitled to a perfect life,

但事實上，

where shiny, happy photos on Instagram are the norm,

如同各位在我演說一開始所表達的，

when actually,

事實完全相反。

as you all demonstrated at the start of my talk,

第二，

the very opposite is true.

有韌性的人

Number two,

很擅於小心選擇 他們要把注意力放在哪裡。

resilient people

他們習慣根據事實評估情況，

are really good at choosing carefully where they select their attention.

基本上能夠聚焦在 他們可以改變的事情上，

They have a habit of realistically appraising situations,

然後以某種方式 接受他們無法接受的事。

and typically, managing to focus on the things that they can change,

這很重要，也是能夠 習得的韌性技巧。

and somehow accept the things that they can't.

身而為人，我們很擅於

This is a vital, learnable skill for resilience.

注意威脅和弱點。

As humans, we are really good

我們內建負面思想。

at noticing threats and weaknesses.

我們真的非常擅長注意這些事。

We are hardwired for that negative.

負面情緒像魔鬼氈黏著我們，

We're really, really good at noticing them.

而正面情緒和經驗似乎 總像鐡氟龍一樣不沾黏。

Negative emotions stick to us like Velcro,

有這種內建的線路 其實對我們來說是好的，

whereas positive emotions and experiences seems to bounce off like Teflon.

從進化的觀點來說，對我們有利。

Being wired in this way is actually really good for us,

想像一下，我是山頂洞人，

and served us well from an evolutionary perspective.

我早上走出洞穴，

So imagine for a moment I'm a cavewoman,

一邊是張牙舞爪的劍齒虎，

and I'm coming out of my cave in the morning,

另一邊是美麗的彩虹。

and there's a saber-toothed tiger on one side

我為了存活要付出代價， 就是注意到那隻老虎。

and a beautiful rainbow on the other.

問題是，

It kind of pays for my survival for me to notice this tiger.

現在這個時代，

The problem is,

整天都有威脅不斷襲來，

we now live in an era where we are constantly bombarded

我們可憐的大腦把每個威脅

by threats all day long,

都看成是老虎。

and our poor brains treat every single one of those threats

我們的威脅聚焦， 我們對壓力的反應，

as though they were a tiger.

這些都已經長久內建在身體裡。

Our threat focus, our stress response,

有韌性的人不會貶低負面的事，

is permanently dialed up.

但他們也發展出一種方式，

Resilient people don't diminish the negative,

去留意週遭的好事。

but they also have worked out a way

有天我被懷疑的感覺壓得喘不過氣，

of tuning into the good.

我清楚記得自己心想：

One day, when doubts were threatening to overwhelm me,

「你不必被這種感覺吞噬。

I distinctly remember thinking,

你要活下來。

"No, you do not get to get swallowed up by this.

還有很多值得你活下來的事。

You have to survive.

選擇活下來，不要死。

You've got so much to live for.

不要讓你現在還擁有的

Choose life, not death.

也一併失去。」

Don't lose what you have

在心理學中，我們稱此為 尋找正向意義。

to what you have lost."

在我勇敢面對的新世界裡，

In psychology, we call this benefit finding.

也包括了我要試著找出要感恩的事。

In my brave new world,

至少我們的小女孩

it involved trying to find things to be grateful for.

沒有因為生病長期飽受煎熬而死。

At least our wee girl

她死得很突然也很快，

hadn't died of some terrible, long, drawn-out illness.

讓她和我們都少了點痛苦。

She died suddenly, instantly,

我從親友那邊得到很多的社會支持，

sparing us and her that pain.

他們幫我們度過難關。

We had a huge amount of social support from family and friends

最重要的是，

to help us through.

我們還要為兩個美好的兒子活下來，

And most of all,

他們現在需要我們，

we still had two beautiful boys to live for,

而且他們值得擁有 我們能夠給予的正常生活。

who needed us now,

把注意力的焦點轉換到

and deserved to have as normal a life as we could possibly give them.

也接納好的事情，

Being able to switch the focus of your attention

這點在科學上已證實 是很強大的策略。

to also include the good

馬汀．塞利格曼和他同事 在 2005 年做了一個實驗。

has been shown by science to be a really powerful strategy.

他們給大家任務只有一個，

So in 2005, Martin Seligman and colleagues conducted an experiment.

就是每天想三件 發生在自己身上的好事。

And they asked people, all they asked people to do,

他們在六個月的研究中發現，

was think of three good things that had happened to them each day.

那些人更感恩、

What they found, over the six months course of this study,

更快樂，

was that those people showed higher levels of gratitude,

也更少憂鬱了， 就在這六個月的研究過程中。

higher levels of happiness

你經歷悲痛的時候，

and less depression over the course of the six-month study.

也許需要有人提醒，

When you're going through grief,

也許需要得到感到感恩的許可。

you might need a reminder,

我們在廚房掛了張亮粉紅色的海報，

or you might need permission to feel grateful.

提醒我們要「接受」好事。

In our kitchen, we've got a bright pink neon poster

在美國軍隊裡，

that reminds us to "accept" the good.

他們採取不太一樣的方式。

In the American army,

他們告訴軍隊要獵捕好事。

they framed it a little bit differently.

運用對你有效的語言，

They talked to the army about hunting the good stuff.

不管你怎麼做，

Find the language that works for you,

有意、蓄意、不斷努力，

but whatever you do,

留意你週遭的好事。

make an intentional, deliberate, ongoing effort

第三，

to tune into what's good in your world.

有韌性的人會自問：

Number three,

「我現在做的是幫助自己 還是在害自己？」

resilient people ask themselves,

在好的療程裡常問這個問題。

"Is what I'm doing helping or harming me?"

而且這個問題真的很強大。

This is a question that's used a lot in good therapy.

這是我在女兒過世後的 日子裡必問的問題。

And boy, is it powerful.

我會反覆自問。

This was my go-to question

「我要去審判現場見那個駕駛嗎？

in the days after the girls died.

這是在幫我還是害我？」

I would ask it again and again.

這問題我不用想就知道，

"Should I go to the trial and see the driver?

所以我選擇不去。

Would that help me or would it harm me?"

但我老公崔弗後來 決定去見那位駕駛。

Well, that was a no-brainer for me,

我發現自己有時候會在深夜 翻出所有艾比的老照片，

I chose to stay away.

然後變得更加沮喪。

But Trevor, my husband, decided to meet with the driver

我自問：

at a later time.

「這樣真的是在幫你嗎？ 還是其實是在害你？

Late at night, I'd find myself sometimes poring over old photos of Abi,

把照片收起來，

getting more and more upset.