Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, the election is five days away,

好了，夥計們，選舉還有五天就開始了。

and President Trump is busy on the campaign trail.

而特朗普總統正忙於競選活動。

At one of his rallies, he tried to describe

在他的一次集會上，他試圖用 "我 "來形容。

what would happen if Joe Biden wins.

如果喬-拜登贏了，會發生什麼。

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-If you vote for Biden, it means no kids in school,

-如果你投拜登一票，就意味著沒有孩子上學。

no graduations, no weddings, no Thanksgiving,

沒有畢業典禮，沒有婚禮，沒有感恩節。

no Christmas... -[ Crowd booing ]

沒有聖誕節...-[人群噓聲]

-...and no Fourth of July together.

-...也沒有一起過國慶節。

Other than that, you have a wonderful life.

除此以外，你有一個美好的生活。

-Yeah. Yeah, a wonderful life.

-是啊是啊，一個美好的生活。

[as George Bailey] "Merry Christmas,

[作為喬治貝利]"聖誕快樂。

closed-down movie theaters!

關閉的電影院！

Uh, w-- Merry Christmas, boarded-up schools!

呃，w -- 聖誕快樂，寄宿學校！

Merry Christmas, abandoned gyms!"

聖誕快樂，廢棄的健身房！"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's already a wonderful life, except every time a bell rings,

這已經是很美好的生活了，除了每次鈴聲響起的時候。

someone gets COVID.

有人得到COVID。

[ Crew groaning ]

[船員呻吟]

No Christmas?

沒有聖誕節？

Does Trump think he's running against Biden or the Grinch?

特朗普認為自己的對手是拜登還是鬼靈精？

Later, Trump was like,

後來，特朗普就像。

"A vote for Biden mean no Toyotathon!

"投拜登一票，就意味著沒有託尼松!

No Happy Honda Days.

沒有快樂的本田天。

No Lexus December to Remember."

沒有雷克薩斯12月的記憶。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

According to Trump, electing Biden

按照特朗普的說法，選舉拜登

will lead to riots in the streets,

會導致街頭騷亂。

an economy in the tank, and no holidays,

經濟不景氣，也沒有假期。

but, also, he's a sleepy politician

但是，他也是一個昏昏欲睡的政客。

who can't get anything done.

什麼都做不了的人。

But this is interesting. Today, Trump and Biden

但這很有意思。今天，特朗普和拜登

were both campaigning down in Tampa, Florida.

都在佛羅里達州的坦帕市競選。

People in Tampa were like, "Come on. We just

坦帕市的人都說："別這樣，我們只是... ...我們只是

lost the World Series. Now we got to deal with this?"

失去了世界系列賽。現在我們要處理這個？"

I'm glad both guys were in the same place 'cause

我很高興兩個人都在同一個地方，因為... ...

it finally ends my uncle's conspiracy theory that Trump

我叔叔的陰謀論終於結束了，他說特朗普的陰謀。

and Biden are actually the same lizard person.

和拜登其實是同一個蜥蜴人。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, Trump went to Tampa. And this was nice --

是的，特朗普去了坦帕。這很好...

he brought some frozen Nebraska supporters

他帶來了一些冷凍的內布拉斯加支持者

so they could thaw out.

所以他們可以解凍。

Isn't that nice?

這不是很好嗎？

As for Trump, you can tell his campaign

至於特朗普，你可以告訴他的競選活動。

is low on money 'cause he asked Biden

因為他問拜登，所以錢少了

if he wanted to split an Uber back to the airport.

如果他想分一個Uber回機場。

In a new poll, I saw that Biden is up 4 points in Florida.

在一項新的民調中，我看到拜登在佛羅里達州上升了4個百分點。

Meanwhile, Tucker Carlson claims that he has polls

同時，塔克-卡爾森聲稱，他有民調。

that show Trump ahead, but they got lost in the mail.

顯示特朗普領先， 但他們在郵件中丟失。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Of course, the other big story is the pandemic,

當然，另一個大新聞是流行病。

and it just came out that it's even affecting the Space Force.

而且剛出來的時候，甚至影響到了航天部隊。

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-One of the highest-ranking members of the Space Force

-太空部隊最高級成員之一。

has tested positive for the coronavirus.

已檢測出冠狀病毒的陽性。

The Vice Chief of Space Operations,

空間業務副主任。

General David D. Thompson, diagnosed yesterday.

大衛-D-湯普森將軍，昨天被診斷為。

-Yeah. I hope he's alright.

-是的，我希望他沒事。

But I think the country will be okay.

但我認為國家會好起來的。

Vice President of the Space Force

空間部隊副主席

is like being the vice president of a darts league.

就好像是飛鏢聯盟的副主席一樣。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But this is smart --

但這是聰明的...

just to play it safe, the rest of the Space Force

為了安全起見，太空部隊的其他成員

will be working from home

將在家工作

instead of their usual strip-mall office.

而不是他們慣用的帶狀商場辦公室。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Why do I feel like we're one day away from hearing,

為什麼我感覺我們還有一天就能聽到。

"My fellow Americans, the coronavirus is now in space.

"美國同胞們，冠狀病毒現在在太空中。

Been one hell of a ride."

一直是一個地獄的旅程。"

I like the way the anchor said "Space Force."

我喜歡主播說 "太空部隊 "的方式。

She was almost, like, mocking it or something, right?

她幾乎，就像，嘲笑它什麼的，對不對？

-Together: Space Force!

-一起來吧太空部隊！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Dave, could we -- Dave, can we play that

-戴夫，我們能不能... 戴夫，我們能不能玩這個？

one more time and hear that again?

再來一次，再聽一次？

-One of the highest-ranking members of the Space Force

-太空部隊最高級成員之一。

has tested positive...

已檢測出陽性...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Space Force!

-空間力量！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I saw that Bed Bath & Beyond just made a big announcement

我看到Bed Bath & Beyond剛剛發佈了一個大消息

about their famous coupons. Take a look.

關於他們著名的優惠券。看看吧

-Bed Bath & Beyond planning to scale back these coupons

-Bed Bath & Beyond計劃縮減這些優惠券的規模

in an effort to boost profits

謀利

and be more competitive on pricing.

並在價格上更具競爭力。

Don't worry, though --

別擔心，不過...

the coupons promising 15% or 20% off,

承諾15%或20%的優惠券。

they're not going away entirely.

他們不會完全消失。

They just might not appear in your mailbox quite as often.

他們只是可能不會經常出現在你的郵箱裡。

-Ah. That's devastating

-啊啊。 這是毀滅性的

'cause now parents will have nothing to jam

"因為現在的父母將沒有什麼卡住

in the corner of their kitchen counters.

在他們廚房櫃檯的角落裡。

Yep, in 2020, even your junk drawer

是的，在2020年，甚至是你的垃圾抽屜

is going through an identity crisis.

正在經歷一場身份危機。

"Without the coupons, who...am I?"

"沒有優惠券，我......是誰？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's kind of sad 'cause if Pottery Barn stops

這是一種悲哀，因為如果Pottery Barn停止。

sending catalogs, then there will be no more mail.

發送目錄，那麼就不會再有郵件了。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Now, this is interesting --

現在，這是有趣的 -

Harley-Davidson just introduced something new,

哈雷戴維森剛剛推出了新的東西。

and it's taking a lot of people by surprise. Watch this.

而這讓很多人感到意外。看這個。

-Harley-Davidson has a new product.

-哈雷戴維森有了新產品。

It is an electric bike, but look at that.

雖然是電動自行車，但你看那。

It's not an electric motorcycle. It's an electric bicycle!

這不是電動摩托車。是電動自行車！

-Yeah, Moms heard that and were like,

-是啊，媽媽們聽到了，就像。

"Yeah, it's still a no."

"對，還是不行。"

"But I'm 48!"

"但我已經48歲了！"

"Yeah, no."

"是的，沒有。"

I'm actually looking forward to seeing the first biker gang

其實我很期待看到第一個機車幫。

that takes breaks for matcha-tea smoothies.

這需要休息的抹茶茶冰沙。

Yeah, you don't look quite as badass

是啊，你看起來沒那麼壞了

in a Hell's Angels jacket

穿著地獄天使的外套

when you're riding Peewee Herman's bike.

當你騎著Peewee Herman的自行車時。

[as Peewee] Hah-hah! [Giggles]

[皮蔚]哈哈！[笑聲]

♪♪

♪♪

No hands! No hands! Hah-hah! Hmm-hmm!

沒有手！沒有手！哼哼！

[Peewee giggle]

[Peewee giggle]

[ Questlove laughing ]

[Questlove笑]

-Wait. Stop.

-等一下停止。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-I broke him. I broke him. This is cool right here.

-我讓他崩潰了我打垮了他這是很酷的權利在這裡。

There's going to be a blue moon on Halloween this year.

今年的萬聖節會有一個藍月亮。

So Denny's is celebrating by selling

所以，Denny's正在慶祝通過銷售

a ham, egg, and cheese sandwich with blue bread. Look at this.

火腿，雞蛋，和奶酪三明治 與藍色麵包。看看這個。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Ah, yes, the classic color

啊，是的，經典的顏色

everyone associates with Halloween -- blue.

每個人都和萬聖節聯繫在一起... 藍色

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

So, remember, even though Halloween is basically canceled,

所以，記住，雖然萬聖節基本取消了。

you can still make it much, much worse.

你還可以讓它變得更糟糕，更糟糕。

But get this. Even though some people are skipping

但要明白這一點。即使有些人跳過

Halloween, sales of candy and chocolate

萬聖節，糖果和巧克力的銷售

are up more than 8% compared to last year.

與去年相比增長超過8%。

Yep, the only chocolate bar that isn't selling well

是的，唯一賣得不好的巧克力棒。

is Hershey's Whatchamacovid.

是好時的Whatchamacovid。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Not selling.

不賣。

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

And, finally, you got see this.

最後，你得看看這個。

To make trick-or-treating safer during the pandemic,

為了使大流行期間的 "不給糖就搗蛋 "更加安全。

a lot of people have built candy cannons.

很多人都造過糖果炮。

Candy cannons. Take a look at this.

糖果炮。看看這個。

-John Downs built this candy cannon.

約翰-唐斯造了這個糖果炮。

He says it is designed to keep kids safe and socially distant.

他說這是為了保證孩子們的安全和社交距離。

The cannon is 12 feet tall.

大炮高12英尺。

At the press of a button, it uses a shop vacuum

只要按下按鈕，它就會使用工廠中的房間真空。

to shoot the candy down the tube.

把糖果射進管子裡。

-That's a weird phrase.

-這是一個奇怪的詞組。

"To keep trick-or-treating safe, we're introducing cannons."

"為了保證不給糖就搗蛋的安全，我們要引進大炮。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Personally, I'll be loading gumballs

就我個人而言，我會裝上膠球。

into a pitching machine.

變成了一臺投球機。

FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO!

FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO!

In other news, Candy Cannons will be dancing

其他新聞，糖果大炮將會跳舞。

on the main stage tonight

在今晚的主舞臺上

at Stiletto's in East Rutherford.

在東盧瑟福的Stiletto的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

We have a great show. Give it up for The Roots, everybody!

我們有一個偉大的演出。為 "根 "樂隊歡呼吧，各位！