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  • Welcome, welcome to the "The Tonight Show," everybody.

    歡迎,歡迎來到 "今夜秀",各位。

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

    讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

  • Well, guys, the election is five days away,

    好了,夥計們,選舉還有五天就開始了。

  • and President Trump is busy on the campaign trail.

    而特朗普總統正忙於競選活動。

  • At one of his rallies, he tried to describe

    在他的一次集會上,他試圖用 "我 "來形容。

  • what would happen if Joe Biden wins.

    如果喬-拜登贏了,會發生什麼。

  • Listen to this.

    聽聽這個。

  • -If you vote for Biden, it means no kids in school,

    -如果你投拜登一票,就意味著沒有孩子上學。

  • no graduations, no weddings, no Thanksgiving,

    沒有畢業典禮,沒有婚禮,沒有感恩節。

  • no Christmas... -[ Crowd booing ]

    沒有聖誕節...-[人群噓聲]

  • -...and no Fourth of July together.

    -...也沒有一起過國慶節。

  • Other than that, you have a wonderful life.

    除此以外,你有一個美好的生活。

  • -Yeah. Yeah, a wonderful life.

    -是啊是啊,一個美好的生活。

  • [as George Bailey] "Merry Christmas,

    [作為喬治貝利]"聖誕快樂。

  • closed-down movie theaters!

    關閉的電影院!

  • Uh, w-- Merry Christmas, boarded-up schools!

    呃,w -- 聖誕快樂,寄宿學校!

  • Merry Christmas, abandoned gyms!"

    聖誕快樂,廢棄的健身房!"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • It's already a wonderful life, except every time a bell rings,

    這已經是很美好的生活了,除了每次鈴聲響起的時候。

  • someone gets COVID.

    有人得到COVID。

  • [ Crew groaning ]

    [船員呻吟]

  • No Christmas?

    沒有聖誕節?

  • Does Trump think he's running against Biden or the Grinch?

    特朗普認為自己的對手是拜登還是鬼靈精?

  • Later, Trump was like,

    後來,特朗普就像。

  • "A vote for Biden mean no Toyotathon!

    "投拜登一票,就意味著沒有託尼松!

  • No Happy Honda Days.

    沒有快樂的本田天。

  • No Lexus December to Remember."

    沒有雷克薩斯12月的記憶。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • [ Applause ]

    [掌聲]

  • According to Trump, electing Biden

    按照特朗普的說法,選舉拜登

  • will lead to riots in the streets,

    會導致街頭騷亂。

  • an economy in the tank, and no holidays,

    經濟不景氣,也沒有假期。

  • but, also, he's a sleepy politician

    但是,他也是一個昏昏欲睡的政客。

  • who can't get anything done.

    什麼都做不了的人。

  • But this is interesting. Today, Trump and Biden

    但這很有意思。今天,特朗普和拜登

  • were both campaigning down in Tampa, Florida.

    都在佛羅里達州的坦帕市競選。

  • People in Tampa were like, "Come on. We just

    坦帕市的人都說:"別這樣,我們只是... ...我們只是

  • lost the World Series. Now we got to deal with this?"

    失去了世界系列賽。現在我們要處理這個?"

  • I'm glad both guys were in the same place 'cause

    我很高興兩個人都在同一個地方,因為... ...

  • it finally ends my uncle's conspiracy theory that Trump

    我叔叔的陰謀論終於結束了,他說特朗普的陰謀。

  • and Biden are actually the same lizard person.

    和拜登其實是同一個蜥蜴人。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Yep, Trump went to Tampa. And this was nice --

    是的,特朗普去了坦帕。這很好...

  • he brought some frozen Nebraska supporters

    他帶來了一些冷凍的內布拉斯加支持者

  • so they could thaw out.

    所以他們可以解凍。

  • Isn't that nice?

    這不是很好嗎?

  • As for Trump, you can tell his campaign

    至於特朗普,你可以告訴他的競選活動。

  • is low on money 'cause he asked Biden

    因為他問拜登,所以錢少了

  • if he wanted to split an Uber back to the airport.

    如果他想分一個Uber回機場。

  • In a new poll, I saw that Biden is up 4 points in Florida.

    在一項新的民調中,我看到拜登在佛羅里達州上升了4個百分點。

  • Meanwhile, Tucker Carlson claims that he has polls

    同時,塔克-卡爾森聲稱,他有民調。

  • that show Trump ahead, but they got lost in the mail.

    顯示特朗普領先, 但他們在郵件中丟失。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Of course, the other big story is the pandemic,

    當然,另一個大新聞是流行病。

  • and it just came out that it's even affecting the Space Force.

    而且剛出來的時候,甚至影響到了航天部隊。

  • Listen to this.

    聽聽這個。

  • -One of the highest-ranking members of the Space Force

    -太空部隊最高級成員之一。

  • has tested positive for the coronavirus.

    已檢測出冠狀病毒的陽性。

  • The Vice Chief of Space Operations,

    空間業務副主任。

  • General David D. Thompson, diagnosed yesterday.

    大衛-D-湯普森將軍,昨天被診斷為。

  • -Yeah. I hope he's alright.

    -是的,我希望他沒事。

  • But I think the country will be okay.

    但我認為國家會好起來的。

  • Vice President of the Space Force

    空間部隊副主席

  • is like being the vice president of a darts league.

    就好像是飛鏢聯盟的副主席一樣。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • But this is smart --

    但這是聰明的...

  • just to play it safe, the rest of the Space Force

    為了安全起見,太空部隊的其他成員

  • will be working from home

    將在家工作

  • instead of their usual strip-mall office.

    而不是他們慣用的帶狀商場辦公室。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Why do I feel like we're one day away from hearing,

    為什麼我感覺我們還有一天就能聽到。

  • "My fellow Americans, the coronavirus is now in space.

    "美國同胞們,冠狀病毒現在在太空中。

  • Been one hell of a ride."

    一直是一個地獄的旅程。"

  • I like the way the anchor said "Space Force."

    我喜歡主播說 "太空部隊 "的方式。

  • She was almost, like, mocking it or something, right?

    她幾乎,就像,嘲笑它什麼的,對不對?

  • -Together: Space Force!

    -一起來吧太空部隊!

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -Dave, could we -- Dave, can we play that

    -戴夫,我們能不能... 戴夫,我們能不能玩這個?

  • one more time and hear that again?

    再來一次,再聽一次?

  • -One of the highest-ranking members of the Space Force

    -太空部隊最高級成員之一。

  • has tested positive...

    已檢測出陽性...

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -Space Force!

    -空間力量!

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • I saw that Bed Bath & Beyond just made a big announcement

    我看到Bed Bath & Beyond剛剛發佈了一個大消息

  • about their famous coupons. Take a look.

    關於他們著名的優惠券。看看吧

  • -Bed Bath & Beyond planning to scale back these coupons

    -Bed Bath & Beyond計劃縮減這些優惠券的規模

  • in an effort to boost profits

    謀利

  • and be more competitive on pricing.

    並在價格上更具競爭力。

  • Don't worry, though --

    別擔心,不過...

  • the coupons promising 15% or 20% off,

    承諾15%或20%的優惠券。

  • they're not going away entirely.

    他們不會完全消失。

  • They just might not appear in your mailbox quite as often.

    他們只是可能不會經常出現在你的郵箱裡。

  • -Ah. That's devastating

    -啊啊。 這是毀滅性的

  • 'cause now parents will have nothing to jam

    "因為現在的父母將沒有什麼卡住

  • in the corner of their kitchen counters.

    在他們廚房櫃檯的角落裡。

  • Yep, in 2020, even your junk drawer

    是的,在2020年,甚至是你的垃圾抽屜

  • is going through an identity crisis.

    正在經歷一場身份危機。

  • "Without the coupons, who...am I?"

    "沒有優惠券,我......是誰?"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • It's kind of sad 'cause if Pottery Barn stops

    這是一種悲哀,因為如果Pottery Barn停止。

  • sending catalogs, then there will be no more mail.

    發送目錄,那麼就不會再有郵件了。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Now, this is interesting --

    現在,這是有趣的 -

  • Harley-Davidson just introduced something new,

    哈雷戴維森剛剛推出了新的東西。

  • and it's taking a lot of people by surprise. Watch this.

    而這讓很多人感到意外。看這個。

  • -Harley-Davidson has a new product.

    -哈雷戴維森有了新產品。

  • It is an electric bike, but look at that.

    雖然是電動自行車,但你看那。

  • It's not an electric motorcycle. It's an electric bicycle!

    這不是電動摩托車。是電動自行車!

  • -Yeah, Moms heard that and were like,

    -是啊,媽媽們聽到了,就像。

  • "Yeah, it's still a no."

    "對,還是不行。"

  • "But I'm 48!"

    "但我已經48歲了!"

  • "Yeah, no."

    "是的,沒有。"

  • I'm actually looking forward to seeing the first biker gang

    其實我很期待看到第一個機車幫。

  • that takes breaks for matcha-tea smoothies.

    這需要休息的抹茶茶冰沙。

  • Yeah, you don't look quite as badass

    是啊,你看起來沒那麼壞了

  • in a Hell's Angels jacket

    穿著地獄天使的外套

  • when you're riding Peewee Herman's bike.

    當你騎著Peewee Herman的自行車時。

  • [as Peewee] Hah-hah! [Giggles]

    [皮蔚]哈哈![笑聲]

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • No hands! No hands! Hah-hah! Hmm-hmm!

    沒有手!沒有手!哼哼!

  • [Peewee giggle]

    [Peewee giggle]

  • [ Questlove laughing ]

    [Questlove笑]

  • -Wait. Stop.

    -等一下停止。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -I broke him. I broke him. This is cool right here.

    -我讓他崩潰了我打垮了他這是很酷的權利在這裡。

  • There's going to be a blue moon on Halloween this year.

    今年的萬聖節會有一個藍月亮。

  • So Denny's is celebrating by selling

    所以,Denny's正在慶祝通過銷售

  • a ham, egg, and cheese sandwich with blue bread. Look at this.

    火腿,雞蛋,和奶酪三明治 與藍色麵包。看看這個。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Ah, yes, the classic color

    啊,是的,經典的顏色

  • everyone associates with Halloween -- blue.

    每個人都和萬聖節聯繫在一起... 藍色

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • So, remember, even though Halloween is basically canceled,

    所以,記住,雖然萬聖節基本取消了。

  • you can still make it much, much worse.

    你還可以讓它變得更糟糕,更糟糕。

  • But get this. Even though some people are skipping

    但要明白這一點。即使有些人跳過

  • Halloween, sales of candy and chocolate

    萬聖節,糖果和巧克力的銷售

  • are up more than 8% compared to last year.

    與去年相比增長超過8%。

  • Yep, the only chocolate bar that isn't selling well

    是的,唯一賣得不好的巧克力棒。

  • is Hershey's Whatchamacovid.

    是好時的Whatchamacovid。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Not selling.

    不賣。

  • [ Applause ]

    [掌聲]

  • And, finally, you got see this.

    最後,你得看看這個。

  • To make trick-or-treating safer during the pandemic,

    為了使大流行期間的 "不給糖就搗蛋 "更加安全。

  • a lot of people have built candy cannons.

    很多人都造過糖果炮。

  • Candy cannons. Take a look at this.

    糖果炮。看看這個。

  • -John Downs built this candy cannon.

    約翰-唐斯造了這個糖果炮。

  • He says it is designed to keep kids safe and socially distant.

    他說這是為了保證孩子們的安全和社交距離。

  • The cannon is 12 feet tall.

    大炮高12英尺。

  • At the press of a button, it uses a shop vacuum

    只要按下按鈕,它就會使用工廠中的房間真空。

  • to shoot the candy down the tube.

    把糖果射進管子裡。

  • -That's a weird phrase.

    -這是一個奇怪的詞組。

  • "To keep trick-or-treating safe, we're introducing cannons."

    "為了保證不給糖就搗蛋的安全,我們要引進大炮。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Personally, I'll be loading gumballs

    就我個人而言,我會裝上膠球。

  • into a pitching machine.

    變成了一臺投球機。

  • FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO!

    FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO!

  • In other news, Candy Cannons will be dancing

    其他新聞,糖果大炮將會跳舞。

  • on the main stage tonight

    在今晚的主舞臺上

  • at Stiletto's in East Rutherford.

    在東盧瑟福的Stiletto的。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • We have a great show. Give it up for The Roots, everybody!

    我們有一個偉大的演出。為 "根 "樂隊歡呼吧,各位!

Welcome, welcome to the "The Tonight Show," everybody.

歡迎,歡迎來到 "今夜秀",各位。

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特朗普認為拜登會取消假期|《今夜秀》節目組 (Trump Thinks Biden Will Cancel Holidays | The Tonight Show)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2020 年 10 月 30 日
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